People who never go to work events?

[badhabit]

Do you judge people who never attend work social activities? Whether because they can’t due to other commitments or simply because they don’t want to?

I’ve been working at my job for a long time and I never attend anything. I’ve been invited to events like culture nights, X-mas dos, social events and other activities with the rest of my department and wider company but I never attend. I’m a competitive athlete and have an intense training schedule and simply don’t have the time to go to a bowling night, or cocktail party, or any other event. But even if I did have the time, I don’t think I would want to. It’s just not my thing and I don’t enjoy it. And I don’t see why I should spend my free time doing activities I frankly don’t want to! I sometimes meet up with my friends outside of work but I don’t like corporate or official social events and the majority of my life and friendships outwith work are through sports and training anyway.

I would also never expect anyone to come to any of my events if I were to suggest it as obviously I don’t attend theirs.

I’m known in the office as the one who can never attend but most people are fine with it and understand why. I contribute to every single office communal gift, and I get along really well with everyone and am not anti-social, I just don’t go to the events. Other people are similar although the majority do attend events.

But over the last few years, a few colleagues have passed comments that it’s poor form of me not to bother or at least attend once every so often, and that never attending is anti-social and rude. I’ve been in the company for a long time and I’ve never bothered, but it’s made me wonder now if my judgment is clouded and I am being rude and antisocial.

Is that so bad?

Having other things to do is not the same as better things, it doesn’t mean I’m not interested in you as a person, nor does it mean I think I’m above socialising with you. Those are assumptions based on nothing. I don’t go because I hate loud bright places. I’m ND but my work colleagues don’t know that. I NEED my down/alone time to have the ability to do my job well.

I think that often the people who move up the ranks in organizations to positions that decide these things are extroverts. I think that sometimes they don't understand that for those of us who are introverts being "on" after work hours is just more work.

I have lots of friends whom I met at work. I’m not friends with everyone I’ve ever worked with. Surely this is normal. I’d go out with some people I work with now, not others.
Ive never worked anywhere where socials were totally funded by the company and the socials were held during works time. If I had then I would have felt differently about going. Paying for yourself and going in your own time us totally different.

I get paid little enough as it is. It’s unpaid overtime in my opinion. I work hard, I see you and socialise with workmates more hours in the week than I do my own family. Leave me alone!!!!

I’m not saying those assumptions are correct or fair. But they are there.

Because the message you are sending is that you have no interest in them as people, you’ve got better things to do than spend time with them, you don’t especially care about oiling the wheels of your working relationship and you’re ‘above’ socialising with them because they’re ‘just’ people you work with. Funnily enough, people feel hurt and offended by that.

It's really most of the time not about other people though. They are taking personally something which isn't a reflection on them.

It could be because when/if colleague friends fall out, all manner of secrets, experiences, private conversations.... come out very publicly. I have seen this play out many times.

I have to prioritise childcare favours (there is no suitable paid childcare available locally post-pandemic) for work. I can't just swan off to a social event.

@miniaturepixieonacid I feel similarly but that might partly be because I've been with my current employer for a (very) long time. I wouldn't have stayed nearly so long if I didn't genuinely like (and occasionally want to socialise with) my colleagues, many of whom have also been there for a long time.

It's becoming increasingly unusual to spend more than say 5 years in the same firm so perhaps a consequence of this is that as people expect to move around more they are less likely to make lasting friendships with colleagues.

🤣🤣🤣

Why are you even asking the question as all of your answers clearly show that you vehemently believe you're in the right & aren't going to attend anything anyway?!

The only work things i attended we done in the break room on my shift - like pizza on someones last day or birthday

No way would i give up my time to go to a work party out of hours

Aren’t most work social events just things that colleagues sort themselves as opposed to structured ‘work’ events. Hey we’re going for a few drinks at the Pig & Whistle after work if you’re interested. And that’s it. It’s not organised by the CEO or sent out as a work memo. It’s casual, it’s see you there if you want to come. So apart from maybe a works Christmas do, what are these structured, name count, social do’s people are expected to attend with lots of tutting and looking down on if you don’t attend?

@badhabit I'm with you, bloody hate out of work social events…I’d rather get up and go for my run in the mornings. I have young twin toddlers and live far away from the office so think they understand when I decline or leave early, but I still feel guilty inside.
I do try to make the effort as it is important for building relationships and I am in a role that requires me to build good working relationships and exert influence. I do often wonder how many people hate the social events and look forward to them being cancelled 😅

You can network in work time, coffee, lunches, having a chat in the corridor/lift/kitchen etc. You don't need to be getting drunk at night to network.

You can even network online, there are several very successful networking groups that have their meetings online following covid.

It could be because when/if colleague friends fall out, all manner of secrets, experiences, private conversations.... come out very publicly. I have seen this play out many times

Indeed. About a decade ago two colleagues of mine fell out over a post on Facebook. I decided after that not to have colleagues as Facebook friends, with only a very few exceptions.

It's not even about introvert or extrovert with me, it's the fact I need my sleep and I don't want to be on a late night train, keeping my husband up as well because he has to come and collect me from the railway station and then still having to be up normal time the next day for work. And I don't even have small children to add into the mix.

A quick drink after work is potentially fine and I do do that, but even that wouldn't be for people who have to get back to collect their kids from childcare.

I do go to work events but not always, and whenever I go I feel its such a waste of time even though I enjoy myself. My colleagues are nice but I see more than enough of them. I have friends outside work and family who I'd rather spend my time with.

Well as an adult, you get to decide how you spend your time. It's not really anyone's business whether you attend events and why. If people have a problem with it then it's their issue. Let these few individuals get back worrying about their own social status at work, you're not here to fall in line with their social expectations and it's actually rude of them to question it. They have no idea why someone might not attend something social. Why are people so affected by this sort of thing, it's bizarre. Focus on being those who drastically change their social habits as there might be something actually worrying going on there

I'd love a colleague like you! First I'm impressed that you are a competitive athlete, plus that means you have a big commitment and a training schedule. There's no way I'd want you to sack that off to come to get pissed down the pub or whatever. I might come to one of your races to cheer you on though!

Also I have a hilarious work colleague who announced pretty much the first week that he joined that while our workplace was pretty cool it was nowhere near cool enough for him to be near it in his leisure time. Well I found it hilarious. Much respect to him!

What's wrong with not answering the doorbell, or getting into your PJ's at 4pm? Strange observation.

I have colleagues who haven't attended any work social events as far as I am aware. No one questions it, because they're exceptional at their jobs. People are there to work and fulfil their contracts, not to attend events.

"What's wrong with not answering the doorbell, or getting into your PJ's at 4pm? Strange observation."

I think both of those would be unusual in the normal run of things....I'd always answer the door bell...and PJs at 4 - only if ill.

@LoveLifeBeHappy I agree with you that how well people do their jobs is what matters. I'd only think it wrong if people are flaky and drop out last minute instead of declining to begin with.

As it happens I am going to my work Christmas do this year but that's because the stars aligned and it's also my husband's Christmas do the same night, so we have booked a hotel near the respective venues and don't have to worry about getting home afterwards.

So I do show my face occasionally!

Not at all. Some people have caring responsibilities. Some have their own health issues. Some are just introverted. Some have tense relationships with specific colleagues, or are even bullied, and would prefer to avoid social events involving these colleagues (especially if alcohol is involved). Some are skint.

I attend some events, but not every possible one, and no one has blamed me either for attending or not attending.