People who never go to work events?

[badhabit]

Do you judge people who never attend work social activities? Whether because they can’t due to other commitments or simply because they don’t want to?

I’ve been working at my job for a long time and I never attend anything. I’ve been invited to events like culture nights, X-mas dos, social events and other activities with the rest of my department and wider company but I never attend. I’m a competitive athlete and have an intense training schedule and simply don’t have the time to go to a bowling night, or cocktail party, or any other event. But even if I did have the time, I don’t think I would want to. It’s just not my thing and I don’t enjoy it. And I don’t see why I should spend my free time doing activities I frankly don’t want to! I sometimes meet up with my friends outside of work but I don’t like corporate or official social events and the majority of my life and friendships outwith work are through sports and training anyway.

I would also never expect anyone to come to any of my events if I were to suggest it as obviously I don’t attend theirs.

I’m known in the office as the one who can never attend but most people are fine with it and understand why. I contribute to every single office communal gift, and I get along really well with everyone and am not anti-social, I just don’t go to the events. Other people are similar although the majority do attend events.

But over the last few years, a few colleagues have passed comments that it’s poor form of me not to bother or at least attend once every so often, and that never attending is anti-social and rude. I’ve been in the company for a long time and I’ve never bothered, but it’s made me wonder now if my judgment is clouded and I am being rude and antisocial.

Is that so bad?

Really depends on your job. Senior management are expected to attend. And with all those social events being organised by the company it does sound like you work somewhere that socialising is expected. Are these events paid for by the company?

Nope not after being singled out by senior manager infront of my co workers cos I dont drink. So I refuse to go now.

This is slightly better than my reply several years ago when asked why i wasn't going to the Christmas party. "You're my colleagues, not my friends". I stand by it.
Or another colleague when asked if he was going to end of term drinks: "No, I don't need to spend more time with these people". Fair enough I thought.

My husband says he hates work socialising, yet feels obliged to go. I dont get it. Life's too short.

If you’re in a smallish team then people do take notice and it’s widely seen as a negative thing, particularly in places like my work where it’s only maybe twice a year, they try to couple it with a CPD or client event and make it an early kick off so it doesn’t eat too much into your downtime.

It’s even more important with home working as well because we don’t have anywhere near the amount of contact we used to when we were in the office, and much of what we do retain is perfunctory. There was a guy who started with us and there were a few events which he dipped out of, even with others making a real effort to attend to meet him and get to know him better. Surprise surprise he was reluctant to contact those same people when he needed help or advice because there was zero rapport there, despite our efforts. He lasted six months.

In a lot of industries you’ll reach a certain level where attending events outside of your normal hours is needed to get on. That might be working late in a surge, attending an industry function, training, client entertainment or a social event. If you’re not willing to sacrifice an evening a few times a year then, yes, in some professions you will reach a ceiling.

I despite the assumption that child free people don’t have as busy or important lives as people with young children.

Important? Everyone’s life is important. But busy…? No-one, no-one is as busy as parents of 0-3yos. They just aren’t. And if you say otherwise, it’s because you haven’t been there.

My dc are long past 7pm bedtimes or needing one parent to read to the toddler while the other fed the baby etc but there is zero way I would expect someone to attend a work do with all of that going on.

I have also spent a fair amount of time around horses and so yes, I do know what that involves and it is nothing like small children. Nothing. You can definitely get someone else to muck them out on the day of the Christmas party if you want to.

Work events are fine if you like all, or enough, of your colleagues, and aren't hampered by caring responsibilities where nobody's available to fill in for you. Loads of people would probably prefer to go out for dinner with workmates for a change than look after elderly relatives or young children, but the choice isn't always there.

Most of mn is anti social introverts. Aren't up to 3/4 of people supposed to be extroverts? Not on mn! Extreme introvert seems to be the norm on mn, whereas I'm quite extrovert, an Ambivert.

I do find it puzzling that humans are supposed to interact, say more than other species in the animal kingdom. but you spend more time at work each day than at home, 9-5 for many. Many only see Dh's or dc for an hour in the morning over breakfast, 4 hours in the evening. So you spend more time at work than you do at home. But you don't engage /socialise with colleagues. You see a friend for how many hours a week or month? No engagement with colleagues, the people you spend most of your waking hours with, is this not strange? When you think about it mathematically isn't that a bit odd?

I actually think it’s better for team building or team morale if people go to none than people who cherry pick one a year.

I used to work with a woman who I quite liked, but other people judged her strongly because the only night out of the year she attended was the bosses birthday. No other birthdays, no Christmases, no weddings, nothing. But the boss was one who liked a night for his birthday every year and every year she was there. People viewed that as sucking up to the boss and really judged it. (I thought it harsh of them tbh - he was a pain about his birthday do).

There was also a woman who would never commit until the week before in case she got a better offer from her “actual friends” or family. I always admired her honesty.

I had similar discussion on mn during covid and wfh. It's different if you are introverted, naturally. Or say 50, teen dc, wfh some of the week, put a load of washing on whilst working at home, Great. But for my ds's, who are starting working life, I don't want them in a bedroom working from home exclusively. When ds1 finishes Uni, I want him in the office at least some of the time. Chatting, engaging, team work, being mentored. Going to work drinks, bowling etc. I wonder if OP would recommend not going to any works do to graduates/ young people?

But for my ds's, who are starting working life, I don't want them in a bedroom working from home exclusively. When ds1 finishes Uni, I want him in the office at least some of the time. Chatting, engaging, team work, being mentored. Going to work drinks, bowling etc.

I think a lot depends on the teen.

One of my DDs has had the bulk of her Uni online and her job is wfh. After a while the isolation made her work out what she wanted and she went out and built a social life around interests and hobbies.

Shes now got a very varied group of friends that share interests and I think she’s actually in a better position than my other DD whose friends are mostly Uni and work related - so their commonalities are likely to change/be lost in the next few years.

Yetmore, I didn't say so, but I agree of course, ideally a bit of both : some work interaction at least, from your manager , colleague, someone who understands your job, because that is an important part of our life for many. Plus friends and other people we meet in life through hobbies and interests aswell. A balance ideally.

Surely that's the very best reason not to socialise after work? * *I would much rather spend my free time with my family, friends or even alone. That time is precious so why lose any of it in order to spend yet more time with the people you've just spent a big chunk of the day with? Most people probably have little or no choice over who they work with so may well have nothing else in common with them, but hopefully have a much closer bond with their family and friends.
I had a colleague who was always pressing me to "have a night off from the kids" but I didn't need a break from them, I saw too little of them if anything - I needed a break from work!

I think it's a bit rude to NEVER attend. Once in a while isn't that much of an ask.

Perhaps it's easier to view work socializing as "networking"? Most people don't need to do tons of it and most colleagues won't become close friends, but building those connections can be helpful and actually pleasant sometimes!

It's abit like getting to know your neighbours - I'm not close friends with any of my neighbours, but I chat to them and invite them to the occasional barbecue and vice versa.

I think Xmas and perhaps a leaving do (for those you worked closely with) are the minimum. It's just a social nicety I suppose.

As PP have said, MN is the anti-social holy grail, so you will get a resounding YANBU.

I used to love work social events (in fact, they’re how DH and I got together back in the mists of time).

Now though, I rarely bother. Not because I’m anti-social, but because I’d rather socialise with actual friends and family.

However, I do make an effort. I go along occasionally, and always try to go to at least one Christmas do.

To NEVER go to ANYTHING is of course going to raise eyebrows and even comments. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Either do something about it, or make your peace with it, OP.

As as for the PP who reference DHorse - WTAF?? 😂 Just write ‘horse’, you weirdo!

You’re paid to do your job, your job doesn’t involve wasting your free time if you don’t want to. Until such time as you’re contractually obliged to show up, continue doing what you want.

I used to get grief for refusing to go to socials when I worked in retail. I just told them I’d rather study (working way through uni) than go to bingo/casino/spoons etc. They didn’t understand, but I worked hard and not being fond of the same pursuits of my mostly middle-aged* colleagues wasn’t a sackable offence.

• I was 18, they were all over 45.

I'd rather pull my own teeth out than socialize outside work with 90 percent of the people I work with
Do what you want to do , op!
Don't blame you at all

Yes! We spend most of our waking lives with colleagues, and the social crew want more from my pound of flesh?

I get you. I WFH now, thankfully. I used to work somewhere where I was expected to go on holiday with the bosses. Think a very tight-knit academic department. Never again

I think you could squeeze in 2 a year - say Christmas do and something in the summer just to show willing. Your 'I'm a competitive athlete' is a bit condescending regarding other people's time and effort to interact with colleagues.

It would be up to the dept director or budget owner who would be able to get it redirected from their budget by putting in an expense claim and negotiating with finance to get it approved. And most directors would if you can show them it's justifiable and important to team performance and the benefits outweigh the cost. It's how it works in the private sector too, no one just gets a budget to splurge on social events anymore. But money can be unlocked when needed and many managers put the effort in to do so for at least one team social event a year.

It really isn't this way in the public sector at all. There is no money for socialising. None.

I'm a bit mixed on this one. I don't really enjoy socialising with colleagues mostly. When I joined my current workplace I had a baby and a toddler and didn't have the time or energy for socialising (with anyone actually, not just colleagues) so now, 10 years later, I'm not part of the core group who go out on a Friday for drinks. That works well for me as I'll go occasionally but it never feels expected of me. I also make an effort for leaving dos for people I particularly like or respect.

To the poster who commented on the type of jobs where you don't have to do this networking activity, it's central government/civil service type jobs. The pay is shite but one of the things i like about it is the fact that theres no networking, no clients, and efforts are made to be inclusive of people who wouldn't want to set foot in a pub, drink alcohol etc, or who have disabilities. there really is minimal expectation that people give up their free time outside of workjng hours.

Why is it ok for people with small children to be excused and not people with other commitments in their life??

Just a reminder that the OP didn’t ask if it was reasonable not to go to work events. She asked if she will be judged for it.

I think yes. Whether she’s comfortable or not with that is up to her.