People who never go to work events?

[badhabit]

Do you judge people who never attend work social activities? Whether because they can’t due to other commitments or simply because they don’t want to?

I’ve been working at my job for a long time and I never attend anything. I’ve been invited to events like culture nights, X-mas dos, social events and other activities with the rest of my department and wider company but I never attend. I’m a competitive athlete and have an intense training schedule and simply don’t have the time to go to a bowling night, or cocktail party, or any other event. But even if I did have the time, I don’t think I would want to. It’s just not my thing and I don’t enjoy it. And I don’t see why I should spend my free time doing activities I frankly don’t want to! I sometimes meet up with my friends outside of work but I don’t like corporate or official social events and the majority of my life and friendships outwith work are through sports and training anyway.

I would also never expect anyone to come to any of my events if I were to suggest it as obviously I don’t attend theirs.

I’m known in the office as the one who can never attend but most people are fine with it and understand why. I contribute to every single office communal gift, and I get along really well with everyone and am not anti-social, I just don’t go to the events. Other people are similar although the majority do attend events.

But over the last few years, a few colleagues have passed comments that it’s poor form of me not to bother or at least attend once every so often, and that never attending is anti-social and rude. I’ve been in the company for a long time and I’ve never bothered, but it’s made me wonder now if my judgment is clouded and I am being rude and antisocial.

Is that so bad?

Its irrelevant whether someone has small, medium sized or grown up children and it’s also irrelevant if they have other caring responsibilities. If someone doesn’t want to socialise out of work that’s up to them regardless of why. It’s probably just because they would rather stay home. But no one should be made to feel bad as it could be one of the reasons above or an overbearing partner, financial problems, other plans, alcohol issues, social awkwardness. Invite everyone and if someone can’t come don’t worry about it and don’t judge them either.

I really hate the expression “judged” as it is always used so negatively. It seems you either have to have no opinion on anything or you are “judging” and of course that is a very bad thing to so.

So my opinion, I would notice it and I would think you were not very sociable. That’s it.

Exactly. It’s not about cosying up to your highest managers and winning your own team over because your superiors have found money in the budget somewhere for a team jolly.

There is literally no budget for social fun in the public sector, whatever label it gets. I don’t think this is news for anyone. There hasn’t been an in line with inflation pay rise for about a decade in the public sector (in our part anyway) so why would there be any budget for cake, booze, drinks or meals out or activities?

if people want any kind of work socials even in work hours- a goodbye for ten minutes in office hours standing around a desk in the office- then they pay for them entirely from their own pocket.

Managers are expected to buy drinks for their teams at Christmas which if they work full time is reasonable due to a pay differential. But that is objectively unfair when managers work part time and earn less than their team members and they are still expected to do it.

It’s a male- framed expectation that’s unfair on part time women working at senior levels. It is always women working at those senior levels part time. I have never met or heard of a man doing that, unfortunately.

Nobody’s saying that team building isn’t important but it’s much more complex to organise or attend social team building events at work when the team have to fund it entirely by themselves.

I’m not desperately keen on going to big organised do’s but went when I was younger as I was new to the area and my colleagues were the nearest thing I had to friends at the beginning. I’m still proper, been on holiday with type, friends with some of them 30 years later.

some people never came, for lots of reasons, or we didn’t know the reason, and that was fine. My favourite was the older lady who just firmly would just say, no, I’m going to hang out with my real friends.

are you judged, a bit maybe, but it’s a choice….

now in a very small workplace,we go out once in A blue moon and we all ok with that…

Dh struggles a bit n his workplace, nothing in common really, and just goes to a few of their very regular work night out to show willing.

This! I love my job and my colleagues but attending stuff in the evenings isn't always practical due to DCs and pick-ups/sports clubs etc. Pre-kids and even when I had younger DCs I went to more. I would always go to the Christmas do or a clse colleague's leaving do though.

Oh dear at my last place of work I hardly attended anything. I had family commitments. My hours fitted around my family and the boss knew that. I had to get home to care for my young family. Dh worked very long hours- main breadwinner and so I was the carer.
I wasn’t interested in working my way up. It was a job which allowed me to work school hours. So many, many occasions being asked can you stay and do x, y z? Unpaid of course in an already very low paid job. My answer was always the same. No I have to go home to look after my children.
If they wanted me to stay then they could pay me but they never did. Same with unpaid lunch break. Can you stay and do x y z? Am I getting paid - no. Well no I can’t then.
Socials were never free, we always had to pay for everything. Was it worth disrupting the dcs routine, stopping their hobbies, paying a babysitter just so I could spend money to be with people who didn’t care about me?
Hardly any of my colleagues in the same role as me attended. Most people worked there for the same reasons as I did, school hours to fit around our lives.

I've had several colleagues through the years like you. A few just liked keeping their own time for themselves, one hated mixing work and private life so didn't enjoy chit chat after work, a few with kids and no help/babysitter and one who had a medical condition affecting her energy levels who could drag herself through the day but that was it.

I always had a lot of respect for people who have clear boundaries.

OP if it helps, I try mostly to join in or suggest lunch time socials. I do a Christmas thing and try to make it to anyone's leaving do, but really it all depends on the culture where you work. It's certainly another stress of horse ownership I didn't fully appreciate! Well, I'm not sure I fully appreciated the impact of a particularly needy/disaster prone horse with a tonne of "manageable" health issues. It's not always easy to find someone to help but actually it's good to have someone else familiar with their care so I try to see it and budget it in as a dry run for emergencies.

I dont judge anyone it's their business what they do, but yes I do think its a bit rude when someone refuses to do anything with colleagues full stop. It's saying you don't like them enough, which doesn't make the best relationships.

I used to attend work events when I was younger but not since I had DD. I haven't been to a work event since 2019 now and possibly never will again. I just cba and don't really drink anymore. I don't think anyone really cares, Ignore that person - you're there to work and are under no obligation to attend outside social events.

Are all the events outside of working hours? That's also poor form from your workplace.

There's a mixture at our work. Many are in an evening for sure, but there's also some at lunch and occasionally the team will get an entire afternoon. We do other things like - a breakfast catch-up, and coffee and cakes etc etc The 'during working hours' ones are to include people who otherwise wouldn't be able to attend.

Why not suggest a team event during working hours to the colleagues who take issue with you never attending?

Just to add if you work in a local authority, as I do, all spending over £500 has to be published and therefore revealed if requested under FOI so no, in the current climate public sector employers like local authorities do not have budgets for team socialising when local authorities nationally are struggling to cover social care responsibilities

Important? Everyone’s life is important. But busy…? No-one, no-one is as busy as parents of 0-3yos. They just aren’t. And if you say otherwise, it’s because you haven’t been there.

And people who are caring for a relative? I'd argue that many of those are. I've never been so busy in my life as when I cared for my grandmother with dementia and COPD. It was incessant.

We have a non attendee. She’s a really good friend and colleague. But just never comes. Grown up kids, no caring responsibilities. I’m a bit torn on how I feel, it’s almost like saying she can’t bear to socialise with us.

The work relationship is very weird on MN and not a true reflection of the work world I have experienced

On MN people are aghast that you can be friends with colleagues. “They are colleagues, not friends” is mentioned at least once on threads like this. Weirdly some of my closest friends are people I have met in different jobs, as well as people from school, people from the gym. You spend a lot of your time at work, it would be weird to me not to find at least one person that you have something in common with

Anyway back to the OP yes I would think it’s a bit odd that your team have such regular events and you can’t go to one across a year. Rightly or wrongly it would be mentioned in passing in any end of year rating conversations when looking at the full team in any company I have worked.

And you can definitely get childminders on the day of the Christmas party if you want to aswell!

and if you really had spent time around horses you would understand that at a certain level it’s not just about mucking them out- it’s about travelling every weekend to compete, it’s about schooling 6+ horses a night, it’s about juggling vets/farriers/dentists and every other type of care possible. Yes- I chose this life, just as people choose to have children. But personally I find my life now much, much busier.

Christ almighty, I actually didn’t know whether you were being serious or not. Stop assuming your circle is reflective of everyone.

I have been there, and I know others who have, and we are saying otherwise.

When I was working 100+ hour weeks with massive commutes and juggling caring for a family member on top- yes, I was busier than with young children. I have colleagues who are working several jobs and studying, often to pay their bills, on top of spending hours commuting because nobody can afford to live here. And I have friends who had to juggle work with their own chronic health issues on top of caring for sick family members. Yes, they agree are busier than when they had young children. Or people with older children with SEN? Can you not see that it’s invalidating to say that only people with young children could possible be so busy and get a free pass?

of course people with young children are busy- nobody was denying that- but other people can be busier, Jesus Christ.

I never did understand the entire socialise with people you spend all day every day with.

It seems like something men thought up so they can get pissed and don't have to go home until after the kids are already in bed.

I never understand this apparent need for team building. I WFH now but when I worked with other people, I still managed to do my job well without having to crawl up my colleagues' backsides so that we could "bond" and I generally got along very well with them. We're working in an office, not having to trek 500 miles together through the wilds of Alaska after surviving a plane crash.

I think it all depends on the culture, and in some respects the industry.

In my company it’s implied that everyone goes to the Xmas party, but I don’t think anyone really notices who doesn’t, or can even remember who didn’t the day after (not because of of alcohol, because in the scheme of things it’s inconsequential)

No, I wouldn't think anything of it. If we can accept that some people really enjoy these events, it goes without saying that others will really dislike them. Were I to give it a second thought I'd probably assume that your athletics involved a clean living, disciplined life style and that after work piss ups don't quite fit in with that.

If my lunch break is unpaid I’m not spending it with colleagues! It’s meant to be a break.

It’s like the “Lunch and Learning” I’ve encountered at a few workplaces. At one place that wanted feedback on initiatives I suggested “Lunch and Actually Eating My Lunch Away From My Desk and Colleagues” instead. (Anonymously obv, because I knew there would be judgement.)

Ignore them. Just carry on not going if that is what you prefer. Why do they even care if you’re there or not? I stopped going to work events a few years ago because I’d simply had enough of them and I used to love them when I was younger. Nothing would make me go to one now.

@SisterNancy I am also public sector, we paid for our own Christmas lunch and it was in our own time! Not for me thank you.

I’ve always wondered if those who judge people badly for not attending are those live to work rather than work to live kinda people

or do they not have family or friends that are not from work so would just be alone yet extroverted.

Some people will judge you but frankly why would you want to be friends with someone who doesn’t understand and respect your own boundaries for a work/life balance that suits you.

Maybe if works hosted curry nights or whatever at lunch time during your paid for hours more would actually even want to attend rather than always asking for your Friday night or Saturday.

If people judge me for not attending work events, I can live with that. If they want to get to know me, the first thing they should know is that I really, really don’t want to go. If they don’t care about that and think I should go anyway, then why should I want to hang out with them and get to know them better?