People who never go to work events?

[badhabit]

Do you judge people who never attend work social activities? Whether because they can’t due to other commitments or simply because they don’t want to?

I’ve been working at my job for a long time and I never attend anything. I’ve been invited to events like culture nights, X-mas dos, social events and other activities with the rest of my department and wider company but I never attend. I’m a competitive athlete and have an intense training schedule and simply don’t have the time to go to a bowling night, or cocktail party, or any other event. But even if I did have the time, I don’t think I would want to. It’s just not my thing and I don’t enjoy it. And I don’t see why I should spend my free time doing activities I frankly don’t want to! I sometimes meet up with my friends outside of work but I don’t like corporate or official social events and the majority of my life and friendships outwith work are through sports and training anyway.

I would also never expect anyone to come to any of my events if I were to suggest it as obviously I don’t attend theirs.

I’m known in the office as the one who can never attend but most people are fine with it and understand why. I contribute to every single office communal gift, and I get along really well with everyone and am not anti-social, I just don’t go to the events. Other people are similar although the majority do attend events.

But over the last few years, a few colleagues have passed comments that it’s poor form of me not to bother or at least attend once every so often, and that never attending is anti-social and rude. I’ve been in the company for a long time and I’ve never bothered, but it’s made me wonder now if my judgment is clouded and I am being rude and antisocial.

Is that so bad?

I don’t understand those that judge or will think ‘why does X never come along to these things?’ You go to work to work. Why do you have to go to social events every now and again? I’m not a fan of making friends with people that I work with tbh.

I start a new job on Friday and I’ve already been invited to a social event. I’ll go because I don’t want to appear anti social but that’s the first and last event that I’ll go too

Occasionally I go, but I have hearing loss, and to be honest, meals and events out with large groups of people just don’t work for me, and I end up not really participating properly anyway, and feeling awful about it.

I don't even have an excuse! lol

I'm not rude, and I'm not anti- social. But I never go to work events because I despise the people who organise them. If you'd met them, you'd despise them too. Just because one works somewhere doesn't mean that you have to socialise with them. If I met any of them outside work, I'd have nothing to do with them. In work I'm professional, and that's it. But having your line manager try to force you out of your job and all your colleagues turn a blind eye in case she starts on them next will do that for you. Especially after you just saved their jobs from said manager in the first place. The next time she goes after them, she can have them.

I have issues with binge drinking, I used to decline work nights out and was finally persuaded to go to one. Got blackout drunk and didn't go to work the following day. And I guess now everyone knows why I don't do that stuff.

No it's enforced fun which is not fun. My work have just stared understanding that. I can't see why we can't go out for a lunchtime meal. Id still be giving up my unpaid time but I'm absolutely not giving up my evenings or weekend to go out and talk about work. Fortunately my not wanting to go on is stronger than my concern about what anyone thinks about it.

Everytime they go out there's always some drama and bitching and quite frankly I cba with it.

Are you horsey by any chance OP? Very common issue I'd say if so!

Adding fun to the workplace - do they socialise and go out during office hours? Or are they being asked to donate their own time to this fun?
Most people despise it and see it as a chore and only go for fear of judgement.

Interesting responses- mix of opinion it seems!

It doesn’t impact my job or progression at all by not attending, although I understand that in other industries it may be more important for social interactions and building a rapport and such.

I’ve always been promoted based on my work- I come in and give 100% during my paid hours and my office seniors have been happy with me for the last decade. I get along well and have great working relationships with my colleagues but I am absolutely not interested in going bowling, or for cocktails, or for quizzes with them.

We usually have these types of event every 2 months or so and I don’t make a fuss around not attending, nor do I string them along and cancel closer to the event. I simply say thanks, but no thanks.

I used to go along to many and various work things when i was young, free and single but when kids came along I much preferred to go home and spend my very precious free time with my family. I worked full-time in a stressful environment, which was mostly fine but 50+ hours a week plus commute was more than enough.
As I got older I got tired of the brown-noses and bores who could be very self-righteous about work socialising. And I found I can do without middle-management types loudly holding forth at the bar surrounded by their acolytes. (Never saw senior managers ...)
Then we merged with a U.S.-oriented outfit who were ultra keen on 'voluntary' softball Saturdays in some park in SE London while I lived in NW. Said I'd come if they gave a day off in the week in lieu. Luckily it soon dwindled to a small group, mostly the bores and brown-noses.
So glad I'm retired.

Yes I am! Without a doubt, I am known as the weird middle-aged office horse lady who attends no social events. ;-)

I'd rather work with people who make the effort once in a while. I work with nice people. Nobody expects you to drink. You get to know your colleagues a bit better which makes for a better working environment.

I'll go if it's within work hours and paid for by the company.

I don't go if it's evening/weekend and would cost me money.

Luckily most of my team are the same so it's fine. We get on well at work, but most of us hate enforced fun work stuff.

Why do they care?!?! People who want to pass comment on this need to get a life and stop trying to make trouble cos really, it doesn’t matter. If they’re judging it reflects more on them.
I totally understand if someone doesn’t want to spend their free time with colleagues, even if some of them are friends. You spend enough time with them! it makes sense you want to catch up with other friends or do other activities of your choosing when you’re not working.

Yeah - I would judge (and I rarely go to the events, cos I dread them, but I do go to some). Not turning up to one ever, over the course of years is poor form. Most people don’t want to go, they do it because it’s part of team building. You could find the time for one.

The only free pass I’d give is people with very young children. They get extra points if they show up but I would never expect them to.

Another one who hates most work dos. I get on with all my colleagues but I don’t have enough in common with any of them to socialise outside of work hours. I also don’t drink which can make boozy dos even harder to deal with when everyone is drunk. I do make the effort to go to anything paid for by the company (so Xmas do and maybe one other thing per year) but apart from that no. Work is work and I don’t like the line being blurred where giving up your free time and money is quietly expected in order to be more accepted

I've said YANBU and I personally wouldn't judge you, but I do think it depends a bit on the office culture.
I've worked in different places over the decades, and - especially before I know people - I'd try and make an effort to join in what is happening sometimes as part of the getting to know you / fitting in process.
But then, I've never worked anywhere where people go out with colleagues that regularly, so one "do" a year is fine.

‘You could find the time for one’ Until my horses are trained to use the toilet I’ll have to continue mucking out their stables every evening so I’m afraid I can’t find the time.

I despite the assumption that child free people don’t have as busy or important lives as people with young children. Plenty of people with young children could attend but choose not to which is perfectly reasonable. And plenty of people without young children cannot attend which is also reasonable- disabilities, commitments, financial problems are 3 big barriers for attending.

People just have no idea @badhabit of the time constraints/total sacrifices you make to have a DHorse. I say no a lot and feel endlessly guilty until I eventually cave in and pay for DHorse to be done for me. Then feel guilty about the cost/not doing DHorse myself so I don't do it very often and round and round the guilt cycle we go 😂

@eyope i completely agree that it’s more important in sone industries then others and can be extremely helpful where redundancy is a possibility

DH and I both make an effort to attend some work events, certainly not every single one, but it’s not a bad thing to be “visible” and we both have former colleagues who have moved to other companies or set up their own companies. You never know when that contact could be helpful.

Plus, we’ve both made real friends through socializing with colleagues and that’s always nice.

I don't judge but I do think you miss out on building rapport with colleagues if you don't participate in nights out.

Nope, couldn't care, everyone has different reasons, I no longer go to work dos.

It's broadly true in life that people who are judging and critical are doing it because of their own issues and to make themselves feel better! Me too!

I think anyone who is criticial is likely thinking one of two things either they wished they had the self confidence to not go to the boring work stuff (as lets face it most of work socialising is a bit boring and you rarely would choose the people you work with as close friends) or
they wished they had the interesting life that they imagine you have that means you don't feel a need to depend on the work social stuff to pad it out!

I'm retired now but I never used to go to anything after work if I could help it. Whilst I liked most of my colleagues none of them were close friends and I am essentially a fairly antisocial person who dislikes large gatherings. I have plenty of hobbies and interests but mainly things i do alone or with a small number of people and I'm not comfortable in large groups. I also don't drink alcohol and a lot of post work socialising involved quite heavy drinking so if I did go I was usually ill at ease. I used to make excuses but I don't suppose anyone really believed I had an ill child or no childcare every single time there was a social occasion so eventually I just started saying "no thank you". I retired during Covid so managed to avoid any pressure to have a leaving and I don't anticipate being invited back for anything now.
If you enjoy social occasions then after work events are probably great, but I don't think anyone should be pressured to attend anything that they don't want to go to and I wish I had had the confidence to just say that much earlier in life!

I dont go to social events either, in the beginning I would blame childcare or logistics (because i stay a bit further out) but after a couple of years there I just admitted I am an unsociable cow and it just wasnt my thing. Sometimes blame my tinnitus/hearing and not being able to hear in noisy spaces.

I do go out for a meal when I have visitors to my location who need to stay over (would be rude to leave them alone) but thats my lot.

Does anyone judge? No idea and dont care anyway.