To ask you if you would perceive what I said as racist.

[Offensiveapprently]

I always belive in giving people complements. There is a woman who is black and works behind the till in Aldi, I see her to pass the time of day occasionally say hi and ask her how she is. Today was with a friend (both of us white if that matters).
The woman working behind the till has had her hair done in lovely braids with wooden beads at the end it's a new hair do. I told her I liked the braids and her beads ( no hair touching or pointing) friend stopped off in the car park and remarked how embarrassed she was at me for being racist and commenting on how nice her hair was. Am I missing something am I now longer able to complement people on their hair. Ready for some home truths if I am wrong.

I am white and once complimented a black colleague on her hair as she had styled it in a different way, and I thought it looked nice. I had and would do the same with other colleagues of all races. At a training session a few months later, she commented that she hated people saying her hair looks nice as it’s offensive. I have stopped mentioning anything to anyone on that basis, as it really wasn’t my intention to offend or come across as racist.

Then you get diversity training at work that says similar but also saying to a black colleague that their presentation was good or they were articulate in a meeting, that’s a micro aggression too.

Has this actually happened though? As in you've sat through training and been told that you shouldn't tell a black person that their presentation is good? Seriously? Because I don't believe you.

I really hate this. Just seems like another attempt to divide us all.

What state will we be in when a young black girl can watch everyone else around her who isn’t black, be complimented on their work or new style choice, but is met with stony silence when she does a good job/tries out something new.

I’ve been shouted down for saying this before, but I think the ‘hyper-vigilance’ of the perpetually offended is doing far more damage than good. In fact I think it is increasing racism. Especially when it starts marking out innocent and positive interactions between people as unacceptable or hateful, purely based on the race of the participants.

Yes.

The trainer said that it would imply that you hadn't expected it to be.

No it doesn’t. That’s such a pile of horseshit.

there is no implication. It’s simply telling someone they were articulate and job well done.

These diversity trainers aren’t going to earn their fee by telling people to be decent and respectful. They have to deliver a load of codswallop that just serves to create awkwardness at best and resentment at worst.

I totally agree @magpieshine !

Where does this end though?

the other end of a compliment is criticism/feedback…..”I feel you could have been more articulate/better prepared etc”

is racist to deliver this? I ask this because it would never have occurred to me that by praising someone on being articulate I’d be seen as racist. I run meetings regularly in work and I always compliment people if they do well.

I don't know. The woman doing the training was so aggressively offended by everything that I didn't feel able to challenge her.

I came out of the session feeling as though I shouldn't ever speak to anyone again in case I inadvertently offended them.

Another way to treat black people differently!

As mentioned earlier, I'm the mum of black step children. I'm white.

I refused to go on a diversity course. I've been on a number over the years. I do not need to be told how to talk to someone with a different skin colour.

I like to think I treat everyone the same, ie with respect!

It’s difficult isn’t it. I have also received similar training and been told that telling anyone from a different race that they are articulate is a micro aggression. I presume giving feedback that they could have been more articulate would be perceived the same way.
Just googled for a quick example of what we were told so people can see it does exist in this type of training -
fpg.unc.edu/sites/fpg.unc.edu/files/resource-files/RacialMicroaggressionsPerpetuateInequity.pdf

But this thing that white people can't compliment black people or say they did well - surely that means it's also wrong to give black people oscars or book deals or applaud at their gigs if you're white or a mostly white organisation? But those things don't seem to be a problem and in fact they are always being celebrated and encouraged. But that's telling someone they've done well isn't it?

Does it apply to other ethnicities too or is it only white people who can't?

The Americanisation of global culture is so depressing and divisive.
A nice living for a few though I suppose.

I hear you, but, as a white woman I would not want to ask a black woman (unless a close friend) this question as that would feel like putting them in yet another situation where they have to explain it - and what I’ve read and heard recently about this is that it’s yet another instance of making it a black woman’s emotional effort to explain it to us. Anonymously, where people can engage or walk away, is one thing, in person or directly is another entirely.

So yes, there are crappy people around and good people that are misguided, and everything beyond and in between, but being able to talk is good. If we stop that because of the obligatory idiots, then, what?

I’m sorry you don’t believe me - don’t know what to say to that really! It happened.

I'm cringing at your friend.

Tell her you have talked to experts in the field who have pointed out that either the person running the course she did was shite, or she wasn't listening properly, and the fact that she came up with this sort of interpretation demonstrates that she is herself inherently racist.

White people not being able to black people is complete rubbish.

My black step daughter does modelling. She's also very humble. She often has people telling her she's beautiful and she will just say something like "thank you, that's really kind".

Why would you think someone doesn't like to hear that?!

Ok , so I’m really confused by this comment.
No judgement here if it’s a misunderstanding, how comes you are describing your son as white? If he has a parent that is Egyptian, he is also North African?

With Regard to OP, this is where people need to use common sense and context:
in this situation, the lady who was complimented was someone you knew, have small talk with. You noticed something new that you liked - if you had changed your hair/ top etc she probably compliment you.

at work - your colleague, as most people need to be careful about what conversations they have (unless if the topic naturally arises about hair/ culture / food/ they are speaking to is someone they have become good friends and know well enough )
I’ve callled out a Spanish colleague who was annoyed with children laughing at her accent - by mimicking another accent to show them it’s not nice - that as the adult she could be in trouble.

at my work place, we had a laugh with my about my 5 year old son who had stroked his friends Afro hair. We are not white, He told my brother randomly how soft it was/ and my brother explained to him - you can’t touch people, their skin, their hair or any part of them - even if you feel like it. My friend said if an adult touched her Afro hair, she’d be livid.
it’s important that this situation doesn’t mean people don’t still check themselves,
it’s always good to review our own internal prejudices and not just to do with race:

But it wouldn't be racist? My hair desperately needs cutting and colouring, being done next week, so people can't say it look nice?

@Snoken my hair has t been in it's natural state for years!

It should be grey and frizzy, but I dye and straighten it...... I then get compliments on it.

Am I offended .......no!

How bizarre.

I can understand how commenting on how articulate someone one was (in a meeting, for example) might be problematic, but to be told you can't say 'that was a great presentation' to a black person is astounding. Did anyone challenge it? I mean, how are you meant to do appraisals/performance reviews?

Surely racism it is the intent behind the words? If you want to hurt/harm or single out someone in a derogatory manner then that is racist? If your intent is to be kind and compliment then that can’t be racism? Can someone please explain why it might be seen as micro-aggression?!

I'm cringing at black people being referred to as aliens.

It's good to know that one person speaks for everyone in a group. Problem is that I'm not sure which specific one person I should listen to, as there are other opinions too. Or should I just say fuck it and continue to treat every one decently...equally? Perhaps others who mind so much will learn to get over themselves.