To ask you if you would perceive what I said as racist.

[Offensiveapprently]

I always belive in giving people complements. There is a woman who is black and works behind the till in Aldi, I see her to pass the time of day occasionally say hi and ask her how she is. Today was with a friend (both of us white if that matters).
The woman working behind the till has had her hair done in lovely braids with wooden beads at the end it's a new hair do. I told her I liked the braids and her beads ( no hair touching or pointing) friend stopped off in the car park and remarked how embarrassed she was at me for being racist and commenting on how nice her hair was. Am I missing something am I now longer able to complement people on their hair. Ready for some home truths if I am wrong.

The webs we weave....your friend is the one that sounds racist. She wouldn't complement a women's hair because the woman is black?

Fucking stupid that it's got to this.

I'm a black woman with an Afro, my hair looks terrible and I know it does so yes I'd be offended if I got braids to hide it and someone who had never said it looked nice before suddenly thought that was an improvement.

You were not racist. But you friend is stupid.

But it was an improvement, you just said so…..

This sort of thing is why people are becoming terrified to speak to people different to themselves. It’s a pity.

My DH attended a meeting on equality in the workplace. Some women there said it was racist to complement a black woman on their hair because it was bring attention to the fact that she has "black" hair.

Even though you got braids because presumably you thought it made your hair look better?

That’s just absurd. Over thinking much?!?

I am mixed race and straighten my hair. Sometimes it looks frizzy. If a white person said it looked nice when it looked nice, I’d take the compliment in the way it was intended.

if someone said “wow I didn’t know hair like yours could look so nice”, then yes I’d be offended.

But I doubt the OP did that.

Would you feel the same if the person complimenting was black vs white? Genuine question I promise, I’m just thinking (I’m white) about how I know what you mean about when I have my hair done or have lost weight or whatever, or actually, the worst - worn makeup! Even when it’s a genuine compliment I have the thought you’re referring to. I know it’s me, vs their intent but still.

If you said "I like you hair and beads" that's a compliment.

If you said "I prefer your hair in braids" or "that looks better/neater/more stylish than your natural hair" then you are insulting a black woman's natural hair and making a racist comment.

Was the woman happy about what you said?

The problem with that train of thought is that you are making the assumption that the person thought your Afro did not look nice and was judging you beforehand. This is based on your feelings that your hair looks terrible, confirmation bias perhaps?

going from braids to an Afro is a change of appearance, eg it might make you look different as it brings out the features of your face more/less. It could be a genuine compliment, separate to your old hairstyle. It doesn’t necessarily mean they think it’s a massive improvement for you to hide the Afro.

No, you're just fine. I think your friend was conflating the idea of touching a woman of colour's hair (invasive, othering and proprietorial) with complementing it (totally fine and a nice thing to do)

I take it from this that it's not safe to complement anyone on their hair anymore as it insinuates it doesn't normally look as good. . I just don't understand this view!

Maybe you embarrassed your friend for actually being cheery and talking to someone.

I don't understand it either. It seems very divisive.

To be honest most complements to anyone could be taken that way if it's someone you knew before the change "You look lovely today" "Your house looks lovely" "Your skin looks amazing" (never said that to anyone in my life) "You look smart" etc etc they could all be taken as "you look crap before" I guess.
What a shame though.

Funny. Second thread in the last couple of days where someone has "innocently" asked about a situation that didn't happen where they know they will be told of course they aren't racist. I wondered if I was being too cynical on the last one, and then it got deleted. Just seems very easy for another poster (or indeed the same one under a different name) to come and say "well all of mumsnet said it isn't racist, even black people, so I think it's perfectly OK to go up to a random black person in the street and touch their hair. I'm being nice!"

Well I'd see it as they could have said I like you're necklace, perfume, boots, but why something so personal. Its like saying you look a bit more normal now, if a white woman lies in the sun all day I don't say how nice you look now you're more brown.

That's a bit weird, is no allowed to have a different opinion you? We all like different things, how could someone possibly know that you dont think it's an impvement and would be offended by them thnking you look nice

Are you generally hard work?

Maybe it came over as patronising

anyway we don’t know we were not there so it’s not for us to decide it may have not been intentional but I can’t tell you how this lady felt

Although it's fair enough for amazingG to feel like that about her own hair. Obviously she only speaks for herself though.

@amazingG

I don't understand your logic.

You change your hairstyle because YOU think it looks better but people aren't allowed to compliment you on it?

I kind of get how you could infer that because they've never mentioned your afro before but are commenting on your braids that there is a judgement there. However, could it just be that they are commenting positively on your hair because you've changed it? If you've had the same hair style for 20 years and suddenly change it, people are going to notice and it's generally the polite thing to compliment a person on it.

I can see how them saying "your braids look better than your afro" is insulting and racist but a "love your hair!" comment isn't automatically
saying that.

Someone at my work place has the most amazing afro. I don't know her but I know there is a lot of politics and social history around black women's hair so would never randomly compliment her on it but I always want to!

She had a new hair do... you said you liked it. Whatever ethnicity anyone is, why would that be offensive? It was a compliment.
Your friend is bonkers.

You'd be offended if you did your hair differently to make it look better and someone commented on the fact it looked nice? Is that not the point?

I'm guessing he thought you were just complimenting her on her hair which was in a style associated with black people.....as opposed to you complimenting because you are familiar with her and knew that the style was new.

Either way, no, you were not racist and he sounds completely OTT.