To ask you if you would perceive what I said as racist.

[Offensiveapprently]

I always belive in giving people complements. There is a woman who is black and works behind the till in Aldi, I see her to pass the time of day occasionally say hi and ask her how she is. Today was with a friend (both of us white if that matters).
The woman working behind the till has had her hair done in lovely braids with wooden beads at the end it's a new hair do. I told her I liked the braids and her beads ( no hair touching or pointing) friend stopped off in the car park and remarked how embarrassed she was at me for being racist and commenting on how nice her hair was. Am I missing something am I now longer able to complement people on their hair. Ready for some home truths if I am wrong.

As a teacher, I've given children compliments on a new hair style, or a piece of work or for walking nicely in the corridor, regardless of skin colour.

Clearly, I'll have to remember that giving the black children any positive comments is a sign of micro aggression and, as such, will stop praising them immediately. I'll only praise the kids who are the same colour as me. You know, just to prepare them for the "real world".

If we are constantly too scared to make a perfectly normal comment/ complement to someone of a different colour then we ll all be walking around on egg shells.

Agree and I hate to say it but this is why I avoid them, It just seems the safest option because the consequences of getting it wrong despite good intentions are too risky.

I think these courses take things to the extreme .

Your average every day person is not going to be offended by you saying "your hair looks nice/you've done a good job"

It is sad really that people don't feel they can compliment black women on their appearance or say / ask anything that might be percieved as racist or a micro aggression. I saw a young black women recently who had a fabulous afro. She looked amazing. My instinct, as it would be to anyone who had hair or clothes I loved, would be to say I absolutely love your hair. But I stopped myself from doing it. It's all so divisive now. And definitely not worth the risk of making the wrong call if someone is going to take offense. And you don't know if they are going to until the words have left your mouth.

My take from that would be why then did you treat her differently/ feel the need to treat her differently because shewas black?

I'm not saying your racist by the way I'm just trying to understand why.

I treat everyone the same .I treat everyone the same way I wish to be treated .

If they get offended that on them not you

Lol I'm assuming this is a joke. Or a troll post

Is this satire?

Because the message being pushed is not to comment on these things. Through diversity training, through how some people respond on here. And once I definitely would have made a comment on something I love to anyone whoever they are. But nowadays I'm much more careful. If people get offended then sure that's on them. But it doesn't feel worth it for an exchange that doesn't need to happen. I don't particularly want to invite conflict towards myself when I don't need to. And in this scenario I definitely don't need to.

And as I look back on the comment from Dotjones this is one example of many as to why I don't anymore. 🤷‍♀️ It's not worth this sort of response that people like Dotjones might give.

That wasnt a genuine post by dotjones .

Possibly not. But there are plenty of other posts across Mumsnet and on here, telling people not to make comment. I've had diversity training delivered by black women saying pretty much the same thing.

Anyway it doesn't mean I won't be polite and friendly. It simply means I won't make comments about appearance unless I am invited to 🤷‍♀️

@pococurante I think the non confident use of black is sometimes from people like me, for whom 'coloured' was 'polite' and black was very rude. I was a child in the 70's and I know things have changed a lot, but having it drilled into you as a child, it runs deep.

MN certainly doesn't help. So many people take offence at so many things on here, it's hard to know what's what. It would be easier just not to say anything to anyone. But that's not a world I want to live in, I'll talk to anyone! If I compliment someone or comment on something that I think is fine & they take offence, then that's just life.

if people compliment me on things I feel infer that I looked fatter, a mess, my hair was a mess, I looked wrecked before doing something to change it, it sometimes stings, but I take as they intended it & deal with my own insecurities.

if I complimented a black woman on her braids it wouldn't be a reflection on her previous style. *Some Afro hair looks amazing, but I wouldn't have the confidence to say so (these days).

• like only 'some' non Afro hair looks amazing. Currently my brunette going grey straggly hair looks far from amazing. Im getting it seriously chopped soon & if no one comments on how much better it looks (for fear of offending me because of the state it's in now) I'll be really put out!!

As long as boundaries were kept and it was purely a compliment rather than touching etc taking place then no, it's not racist to compliment another human being on their hair.

Is your friend white by any chance? The reason I ask is because all the People of Colour I know personally or professionally wouldn't bat an eyelid about this but certainly get frustrated by 'white saviour' behaviour like this and I can see why. By making everything racist, it normalises actual racist insensitivities and creates rather than heals divides in our society.

My initial reaction to this thread was that I thought it was not racist.

But then I thought as a bloke I don't randomly comment on women's appearance, except for friends. I suppose it isn't really that much different?

No, you were complimenting her on a new hairstyle. Hell of a stretch to call that racist.

But that's you. Some people are more out going and are happy to interact with strangers like that

When I used to work for a big multi-national, our diversity policy advised strong caution against commenting on or complimenting anyone on their appearance, regardless of race, gender ability. We all thought it was a bit of a giggle (e.g. the new haircut that must not be mentioned) but in hindsight it covered all bases, and presumably made any harassment complaints easier and fairer to manage.

Not everyone enjoys compliments, especially from strangers or people they don't know that well.

Not exactly the same but people often comment and compliment me on my small frame. No one who knows me well though, because I have a history of eating disorders. I smile politely, because (ironically) I don't want to offend, but I really wish they wouldn't do this.

Black hair has a complex history. Perhaps it's best to just keep unsolicited comments about it in your head.

See my comment above.

With a friend like that, OP, you'll always be in the wrong.

If you'd told her that "I was going to compliment the woman in the shop on how lovely her hair was, but I didn't because she was black" I'm sure your friend would (understandably) have a problem with that too, but by not acknowledging her skin colour and simply complementing someone with nice hair, that makes you racist?

Yeah, nah. You're fine, your friend has a saviour complex that has gone too far

I'm very outgoing and very interactive though, I am just aware that it's a problem for some people and there are other ways you can interact and engage with people

@OneTC she is someone who I pass the time of day with frequently while shopping whether she is out in the shop floor or behind the till mostly so not a complete stranger. I don't know her personally but she will ask about my son who is frequently with me or tell me briefly what she was up to over the weekend.

I'm not saying that I think you did anything wrong. You paid a compliment, the recipient was happy, no harm done. Your mate was weird reacting the way they did having seen how it was received.

But I can see the point some are making about how it could have been perceived.

So do I. People - all people - deserve accurate feedback when doing both well and not so well.

I you don't give that how can they lear to recognise their strengths so that they can build on them, or become aware of their weaknesses so that they can work on overcoming them?

Surely what is racist is to have different reactions/ responses to people based on their colour/ethnicity?