To ask you if you would perceive what I said as racist.

[Offensiveapprently]

I always belive in giving people complements. There is a woman who is black and works behind the till in Aldi, I see her to pass the time of day occasionally say hi and ask her how she is. Today was with a friend (both of us white if that matters).
The woman working behind the till has had her hair done in lovely braids with wooden beads at the end it's a new hair do. I told her I liked the braids and her beads ( no hair touching or pointing) friend stopped off in the car park and remarked how embarrassed she was at me for being racist and commenting on how nice her hair was. Am I missing something am I now longer able to complement people on their hair. Ready for some home truths if I am wrong.

I have really thick frizzy hair. I decided to straighten it a few days ago. I bumped into my next-door neighbour today, and she said, 'you have straight hair; it looks really nice'.

I wasn't offended because she is right; my hair does look nice when I can be bothered to straighten it.

Some people are just too sensitive and need to chill.

Same. The black woman running the course said that we should NEVER mention a black woman's hair because it was 'othering'.

I don't think it was racist but it's probably best to steer clear of paying black people compliments on their appearance altogether to be on the safe side.

Is it frothing or is it good to be able to talk about these things somewhere anonymous and where a wide group of opinions can be sought? I do question myself to try to make sure I don’t inadvertently behave in an appropriate, racist or disrespectful way. Sure, on nearly every thread there will be posters behaving in a disruptive way, but does that mean these discussions shouldn’t even happen?

Isn’t that “othering”?

Rubbish! Absolutely nothing wrong with telling a black person you like their hair! And I say this as a black person with bum length locs.

Sounds like your friend has some internalised issues that she needs to deal with because there is no decent course on diversity that would say telling someone they have nice hair is a micro-agression.

Are people aren’t saying that you cannot compliment a black woman on any aspect of her appearance in the same way you would a white woman? If I like your hair, I like your hair. If I like how you’ve done your eyebrows then I like how you’ve done your eyebrows.

is that where we’re really at? Is a compliment really laced with aggression and racism? Or is it as simple as it seems?

Damn, I just read back some of the more recent comments and now I'm like WTF? "The black woman running the course said that we should NEVER mention a black woman's hair because it was 'othering'.

Othering? That can't be all she said because that makes no sense whatsoever! Context is everything...

2023, and this is where we are at.
Fucking hell.

These posts tend to descend into a stream of 'you can't say anything nowadays' posts (see above), which only serve to reinforce divides. Ironic given this post was created by a white woman, after a comment from another white woman.

They rarely lead to any sort of intelligent or enlightening discussion.

BigButtons
That's ridiculous. Most women don't have 'natural hair'. Most women do 'something' to their hair whether that be colour, straightening, curling etc. Most women don't like their hair in it's natural state, they don't like the texture, waves, frizz, colour.

Yes totally this ☝️

Well-that’s great for black women- no compliments for them then.

I think that is where things are heading, but I also think it’s wrong.

I’m not sure what happened. I actually felt really hopeful re: racism in the 90’s.

It obviously still existed but there wasn’t this regressive concerted push to get us to all segregate, stay in our own communities and view anyone not like us as ‘other’ and needing to be treated differently. Just based on their skin colour.

It feels like racism against all races is getting worse. And I mean proper racism, like hating, believing negative behaviour traits are linked to race, treating someone differently, because they are a different race. Not these ‘micro aggression’s’ that seem to primarily be made up for tiktok victim points.

So would it have been OK if she was white? Or still a microagression? In which case it still wouldn't have been racist...

Another funny yet sad thing i noticed among both parties is that once one or two black people say/do something, suddenly every black person feels the same way.😳

It couldn't just be about that one person you had an experience with, nope!

"So does this mean black people think...?"

"So should I stop saying xyz to black people....?"

I'd take a look at yourself and those generalisations based on individual experiences, unless you've heard from every black person.

Not different from a man thinking suddenly all women can't xyz because one or two women said something to him.

We have a long way to go.

I think you're fine. I changed the colour of my hair a couple of years ago and loads of people commented/complimented. If you'd been trying to touch her hair or said it was 'exotic' or something then that would be different but you didn't. And I'm one of those woke twats who find offence in everything 😂

Well no, it was a 2 hour session so of course there was more to it. She explained that black hair had a long and difficult history, and that one shouldn't mention it at all, good or bad, because that was drawing attention to the fact that it was different to a white person's hair - and therefore = a racist micro aggression.

But - if I can compliment my white friends on their hair and not my black friends, isn't that othering?

Possibly ridiculously, I felt that I couldn't ask that question because I was worried that she would say I didn't understand because I am white. And then my brain exploded.

I agree @Guiltycat . It all seemed more harmonious and that inclusion and acceptance were really going somewhere; I can’t see how offence and anger over small things helps matters.

We all know when someone is being either rude or racist or both, but surely complimenting hair is just a compliment? My hair is disastrously straight, so I’m always admiring of anything curly; I’ll keep my trap shut from now on!

You've done nothing wrong! I've had similar! I have a lovely colleague who is also a bit of a friend, known her 3 years and we get on well. I complimented her new hair do. We chatted about it and other things for a while as normal. Afterwards, my woke apprentice (who I've moaned about on here before) who had been in our work place about a month and doesn't know any of my colleagues very well pulled me up on it. She said I was being racist and I shouldn't comment on black people's hair. Mumbled something about colonialism and how they'd been discussing this very issue at university and she knows it's not right and I should pay attention to my white privilege. Utter nonsense.

I absolutely hate racism in all forms, but complimenting a friend or colleague is not racist. Some people have gone slightly mad since COVID! I think it's a vaccine side effect!! 😉

Can you imagine being the only black woman in the office. And whenever someone changes their hairstyle, all of the others go "Oh WOW! That colour/ cut/ style really suits you!'

And you change your hair - and everyone is silent.

How "othering" would that be?

@ThighMistress says surely complimenting hair is just a compliment? We are kind to each other because we like each other and want to make each other feel good. Being complimentary and supportive towards each other bonds a group - it doesn't break it. As my grannie would have said - "It's nice to be nice".

if I am told as a white woman by a black woman that complimenting another black woman’s appearance is always a micro aggression then I will make sure I don’t do it - she’s not some loon off the Internet, she’s in my mostly white social circle from uni (my job is in quite a diverse company in London and school is diverse too) but then if most people don’t think that then isn’t it still safer not to? Then you get diversity training at work that says similar but also saying to a black colleague that their presentation was good or they were articulate in a meeting, that’s a micro aggression too.

i know it’s not black people’s job to teach us about racism but I am not getting it right and I don’t want to be the dick who upsets people because they don’t give a shit.

This.

Then you get diversity training at work that says similar but also saying to a black colleague that their presentation was good or they were articulate in a meeting, that’s a micro aggression too.

Yep, I've had that training too.

God almighty!

So you can't even tell someone they've done a great job with our offending the, now.

*without