To ask you if you would perceive what I said as racist.

[Offensiveapprently]

I always belive in giving people complements. There is a woman who is black and works behind the till in Aldi, I see her to pass the time of day occasionally say hi and ask her how she is. Today was with a friend (both of us white if that matters).
The woman working behind the till has had her hair done in lovely braids with wooden beads at the end it's a new hair do. I told her I liked the braids and her beads ( no hair touching or pointing) friend stopped off in the car park and remarked how embarrassed she was at me for being racist and commenting on how nice her hair was. Am I missing something am I now longer able to complement people on their hair. Ready for some home truths if I am wrong.

Actually this reminds me of a post on here a few years ago.

A man posted that he went up to a woman he didn't know in soft play and complimented her on how she looked. She was standoffish and he was offended that she wasn't grateful.

Most people commented that they don't like to be complimented by random men, especially at somewhere like soft play.

A few woman got very angry at being complimented by anyone at any time. They argued that a compliment diminished their value as a person and made them into objects only to be looked at. They thought any complement was full of judgement and only placed their value on how they looked.

Could your friend have meant that it wasn't appropriate to compliment someone on their appearance while they are at work?

But the question was whether the comment could be perceived as racist, not whether it could potentially upset the recipient for any reason. Because presumably you'd have the same feelings if you were a white woman with terrible hair, who was only told 'your hair looks great' after having a total restyle. Or if someone only complimented you on your figure after you'd lost a load of weight. Or if you usually go bare faced and someone only told you 'you look really pretty today' when seeing you in full makeup for the first time.

Don’t they just, my late MIL said very innocently to a school mum that her daughters hair had some lovely red tones in it, genuinely thought she was paying a compliment regarding the child’s beautiful hair, for the mum to stomp off saying the child was definitely her husbands!

@Cocochat Please would you not describe light skin as pasty! I have very fair skin and am really fed up with it being described in this pejorative way. “Pasty” implies unattractive.

Of course it’s not racist.

I work with a Nigerian woman and she frequently changes her hair. I often compliment her, in the same way as I would compliment any other workmate's different hairstyle.

It's not racist to tell someone their hair looks nice.

I agree that if you said ‘that looks better/neater/more stylish than your natural hair’ then it would be questionable. But I wouldn’t have thought expressing a preference such as ‘I prefer your hair in braids’ would cause offence. I’ve recently had my hair cut short after a few years of wearing it long, and have been told several times by friends that they prefer it short. I don’t find that offensive, but I’m prepared to accept that the style has nothing to do with race and braids could be regarded as ethnic.

Why? If I like a woman's dress, I like her dress. If a white woman wore it, I'd like it. If a black woman wore it, I'd like it.

It makes me really sad that the woman wearing the dress who happens to be black would see my compliment as trying to assert my dominance as a white woman.

As someone who once held a door open for a person of colour to go through first, I feel deeply offended by your comment on behalf of the assistant. You need to check your privilege, and your friend was absolutely right to call out your attempt at cultural appropriation. Can’t believe you’re doubling down on this, you need to get back there immediately and profusely apologise to the assistant and track down any customer that might have seen you looking at the beads and apologise to them too. Take a page out in a newspaper too and post a video to TikTok of yourself crying remorsefully. Then never shop in any Aldi ever again. Or Lidl either. Or any store or restaurant that employs black people, they need to be protected from your micro aggressions.

Part of the problem with discourse today is exhibited in the number of posters who say “I don’t think this is racist, it’s a compliment like you’d give to anyone else (I.e.: a hairstyle), but I’m prepared to be corrected BECAUSE I’m white.”

What a ridiculous way of engaging in a debate. Be prepared to be corrected by logic or a reasoned approach drawing on experience, not simply because of your skin colour.

It might be a short hand way of expressing “because I don’t have the lived experience of a black person and am prepared to listen to and understand their experience and reconsider if my view is ill informed”, but expressing it as being wrong without qualification on the basis of being white is the sort of dialogue that adds to much of the population becoming more right wing.

For what it’s worth, I often compliment my friends with afro hair on all sorts of hairstyles, and they complain me on mine - it’s not an issue. It would be racist if I only complimented my white friends and stonily ignored my black friends when they’ve clearly changed a hairstyle.

You almost had me there

If someone had recently got their hair done then it’s nice to compliment it.

People get their hair done so it looks nice.
There is no way it can be seen as offensive to compliment it, as that’s the reason they got it done (so it looks nice).

There is no way it can be racist.

I came on to ask because I am white and obviously can't comment on what people should or shouldn't be offended by.
@amazingG I genuinely value your input you are offering a different view point to any id thought of. I was complementary because I noted she had changed it and not because I thought it looked worse before.
No offence was meant @ReindeerSkull I didn't point , gesture ir touch her hair I'm not that dim.
I didn't come on to be told I'm not racist I just came on to ask about perspectives. I'm not so thick headed to think I can't reflect ir change my opinion. This is why I'm perfectly happy to accept if I'm wrong. I just don't want yo have hurt or embarrassed anyone.

I wouldn't have seen that as racist, just seen it as a compliment.

This reminds me of a video uploaded to YouTube a while ago. An American actress (can’t remember who) was waiting for a flight in the airport lounge when a man came up to her and commented that the dress she had on was beautiful and really suited her. She went utterly ballistic and followed him through the airport berating him for being sexist and telling him he had no right to comment on her appearance whatever he thought. It’s batshit, and if it continues we’re all going to end up isolated and lonely because people will be too scared to open their mouths.

Good for you for giving compliments to people! Brightens people’s day. I comment on clothing/hairstyles/shoes/jewellery that look great, and have had people do the same to me, always a pleasure, skin colour doesn’t come into it.

I'm thinking your friend is racist to be honest.

But would you find it racist?

(The rest of your post is otherwise a bit weird and you might want to consider CBT)

Michele Obama talked about a lot of black women feeling they have to make their hair more socially acceptable to white people eg by using weaves or straightening etc. She said that a lot of black women don't feel like they are seen as professional etc if they wear their hair natural.

Last night I watched The Craft (I know!) and one of the witches was black and her kinky hair was being compared to pubic hair by bullies.

I think that is why a white woman telling a black woman that she prefers her hair styled in a certain way gets questionable. It becomes about how the white woman feels about her hair and a judgement rather than just a compliment.

As someone who has experienced racism several times, I don't think there's anything racist about that remark.

When did people get so touchy? There can never be true equality if we hold back from normal pleasant conversation with someone just because they are of a different race to us. Would it have been racist if a black customer had said this to a white till worker?

You did nothing wrong - and you said yourself that she was pleased. Ignore your friend.

Not racist in anyway. She had nice hair, you liked it and complimented her. How she has found anything racist in that is bonkers!

What????!!!!

Saying "I like your hair" is still a judgement but it's not stating that you think she is more valuable with certain hair.

"I like your hair" ie "your hair looks nice to me".
Vs
"I prefer your hair like that" ie "whether you care or not, I am telling you my preference of your hair style and subtly putting pressure on you and using my power to keep it that way" or "your previous hair was awful"

It was fine, why did your friend think it was racist?