To avoid this woman based on 1 incident years ago?

[YetMoreNewBeginnings]

I can sometimes be quite tunnel vision-ed, and I can't really discuss this with RL friends so I'm after opinions.

My youngest DD is disabled. Five years ago she had a horrible fall in a supermarket disabled loo. Her condition was deteriorating, but we didn't quite know what we were dealing with yet. I popped her on the loo as normal and as I turned to get wipes she had a seizure and fell forward. She cracked her head on the floor, lots of blood, and broke her arm. The seizure went on to be the longest she'd ever had at that point.

My 7yo DS was standing outside waiting so I opened the door and sent him to customer service to alert them to the fact I was calling an ambulance (due to the seizure going on and on). A lovely member of staff came with a first aid box and blanket and we were focussed on DD.

While we were waiting a woman came along with her DS and asked if we were going to be long. She wanted to use the loo as her DS needed, he didn't like going into the ladies with her as he was too old, but she didn't want him in the gents. He was 7/8 looking. The staff told her we were waiting on an ambulance and she went away.

In the twenty minutes or so we waited on the ambulance she came back three times. Her DS clearly bursting more and more. The last time she came she actually tutted and said "Oh, you're still hogging the toilet". My DD was in the midst of another seizure so I snapped and said "Either take him into the ladies or let him into the gents ffs. We're waiting on an ambulance and we'll be here until they get here." She called me rude, the staff member asked her to walk away and tbh I never really thought anymore about her until recently. She made a scary event so much more stressful.

I take my DS to an event once a month, it's our time together away from the stresses of him living with his sister. It's purely our thing. He's been quite friendly with another boy there, who came with his Dad, but it's never been suggested that they meet up away from the event. At the weekend the boy came with his Mum. It's the woman from the supermarket.

She suggested that the boys could get together at other times since they get on well and that maybe we could have coffee - she clearly doesn't have any recognition of me (which is understandable). DS is absolutely non-plussed by the suggestion. At his age he does a lot of his organising on his own with his friends. I have absolutely zero inclination to have anything more to do with this woman - at best she was having a bad day and behaved like a dick. At worst she has zero empathy.

AIBU to discourage any suggestion of this friendship pf DS's being anything more than it is purely because of the woman?

Oh and the reason I can't really discuss it with RL friends is that a couple have kids that attend the same event, and I have no idea what other activities the boy goes to so I don't want to bad mouth his Mum and potentially impact other friendships for him. I don't think that's fair as he's a lovely lad.

She sounds pretty awful or at least thick.
However, it sounds like your sons can be friends without you having to interact much with her so I would let them get on with it

Gosh how scary for you and what a complete cow.

I say if your DS actively wants to be friends with the boy and makes his own plans to meet him, then let it happen (you say he does his own organising anyway) but you certainly don’t need to do anything yourself to progress it. And as for having coffee… !!!

That was absolutely awful of her.

I would want feel I could never forgive her.

However, for DS's sake I would think about allowing just one meet up.

If anything at all goes wrong with that I would tell DS a version of the previous event and strongly discourage the friendship.

Christ!!

I've resigned myself to the fact that some people are just in a world of their own. No one normal or sane would react the way she did. So utterly selfish and entitled.

It's easier said than done but I would suggest just trying to forget about it. She was completely in the wrong.

And absolutely don't let her near your son, I wouldn't feel safe with my child hanging with someone like that

It's easier said than done but I would suggest just trying to forget about it. She was completely in the wrong.

Tbh I hadn't thought about it for a long time until she walked in. It's not something that's hung in my thoughts for years or been stewed over or anything.

I have zero issues with DS being friendly with her lad at the event. I don't even have an issue with him organising things himself if it's possible.
I just have zero inclination to encourage a friendship that will include more involvement with the mother (we're quite rural so parental lifts are a regular thing).

Awkward. There are really some horrible people about. I would probably let any chats about meet-ups just tail away.

The boys may make their own arrangements if still friendly when older.

If your DS is now 12/13 I'd leave him to do any socialising he chooses.

I definitely would get actively involved in meet ups with her or arranging any for the kids.

I would let your son be friends with the other lad, it's not fair otherwise. But try to let it happen in such a way as your interaction with her is kept to a minimum.

Or you could always bring it up with her and say how stressful you found it? Give her a chance to apologise? For all you know she may have been feeling bad all these years and it might help you lay that memory to rest?

Orrrr....it may turn out it's not her after all!

Bless you. That sounds like an extremely upsetting encounter and no she’s not someone you should want to go for a coffee with. Just try and keep out of her way as best you can. I wouldn’t keep the kids apart though.

I would have to say something to her. “Gosh maybe you don’t remember but your son needed to use the disabled toilet when mine had an accident and we were waiting on an ambulance. Do you recall? It was in xx supermarket in 20xx. What a coincidence”

hopefully she will have the good grace to be highly embarrassed and apologetic

What a bitch, your son is 12?
So old enough to make friends.himself i.have a disabled child so have some understanding of how ignorant people can be ( my child has no.history of seizures thankfully) I wouldn't want to.meet.up.with her either .

I wouldn’t want anything to do with her either. And I probably would have literally chased her away screaming at her when it happened so I think you were pretty restrained! (Which I mean in an inspirational way!)

That's not really fair on either boy though if they get on well, personally I would just leave the boys to.it and have little to do with the mother .

Yes exactly this! Hopefully she will have the good grace to blush and understand why you do not want to meet up with her.

Yanbu. I am pleased you won't discourage the boy's friendship or discuss the incident with other mum's there that is very decent of you. There is no reason to have coffee with the mum. Perfectly unreasonable not to want to.

My MIL is a raging self-centred arsehole who I could absolutely envisage behaving how the woman behaved in your OP. DH is a wonderful person and an amazing friend (partially because he’s so aware of meeting other people’s needs because his mother is such a raging self-centred arsehole). I wouldn’t write this child off because of his mother - I’d just not develop a friendship with her myself and let DS get on with it as he pleases. Facilitate his friendship but don’t involve yourself with her. She sounds like a dick but that doesn’t mean her DS is.

You don't need to be involved. Your son can make his own friends

OMG, she's not right in the head!!

And how odd to be arranging playdates for a 12 year-old.

My worry would be that if the boys become friends and there is a degree of parental facilitation with lifts etc, at some point the penny will drop - so in fact you are probably better off going with a variation on @LapinR0se's suggestion! (But without the word 'needed' - he didn't need to use the disabled loo, his mother wanted him to).

Op.do you actually want to confront her ?
if not just let the boys do their own thing,bringing it up now however awful her behavior was is just going to make it awkward for everyone .

What she done was disgusting & horrendous.

she could have been having a really bad day, or time in general back then. Does it excuse her behaviour, no of course not, but there may be a chance she is much better than this so I would consider giving her the benefit of the doubt.

I would hate to be judged on my behaviour on my worst day for the rest of my life, but you are under no obligation to welcome her in your life, I understand why you wouldn’t want to.

I think I'd agree to go for coffee once. Use it as an opportunity to educate her on how tough life can be for people living with a disability and their families. Then if you feel she gets it you can meet again. If not, don't bother as she won't understand your life. As your DS is able to arrange his own meet ups he might also try one meet up (as they at least have one interest in common) and if he doesn't want to take it further he doesn't need to - he can be busy!