To avoid this woman based on 1 incident years ago?

[YetMoreNewBeginnings]

I can sometimes be quite tunnel vision-ed, and I can't really discuss this with RL friends so I'm after opinions.

My youngest DD is disabled. Five years ago she had a horrible fall in a supermarket disabled loo. Her condition was deteriorating, but we didn't quite know what we were dealing with yet. I popped her on the loo as normal and as I turned to get wipes she had a seizure and fell forward. She cracked her head on the floor, lots of blood, and broke her arm. The seizure went on to be the longest she'd ever had at that point.

My 7yo DS was standing outside waiting so I opened the door and sent him to customer service to alert them to the fact I was calling an ambulance (due to the seizure going on and on). A lovely member of staff came with a first aid box and blanket and we were focussed on DD.

While we were waiting a woman came along with her DS and asked if we were going to be long. She wanted to use the loo as her DS needed, he didn't like going into the ladies with her as he was too old, but she didn't want him in the gents. He was 7/8 looking. The staff told her we were waiting on an ambulance and she went away.

In the twenty minutes or so we waited on the ambulance she came back three times. Her DS clearly bursting more and more. The last time she came she actually tutted and said "Oh, you're still hogging the toilet". My DD was in the midst of another seizure so I snapped and said "Either take him into the ladies or let him into the gents ffs. We're waiting on an ambulance and we'll be here until they get here." She called me rude, the staff member asked her to walk away and tbh I never really thought anymore about her until recently. She made a scary event so much more stressful.

I take my DS to an event once a month, it's our time together away from the stresses of him living with his sister. It's purely our thing. He's been quite friendly with another boy there, who came with his Dad, but it's never been suggested that they meet up away from the event. At the weekend the boy came with his Mum. It's the woman from the supermarket.

She suggested that the boys could get together at other times since they get on well and that maybe we could have coffee - she clearly doesn't have any recognition of me (which is understandable). DS is absolutely non-plussed by the suggestion. At his age he does a lot of his organising on his own with his friends. I have absolutely zero inclination to have anything more to do with this woman - at best she was having a bad day and behaved like a dick. At worst she has zero empathy.

AIBU to discourage any suggestion of this friendship pf DS's being anything more than it is purely because of the woman?

@thisplaceisweird i’ve always imagined it to mean ‘not fussed’ which is perhaps what I was meaning 😅

Point taken! 🤗

12/13 DS

She is essentially suggesting a play date?

Ha! Let’s see what they say about that 😂

Wouldn't touch her with a barge pole, op.

The boys can be friendly without you having to have anything to do with her.

Her behaviour was awful.

This.

I'd have to mention it, for my own sanity and possibly to give her a lesson in humanity. You can't be *rude and not do the coffee thing without some type of reason, I'd be incredulous in my delivery of this news to her!

(You're obviously not rude!

YANBU. I'd judge her for that one incident, too. You don't need to make time in your life for rude idiots.

She’s shown you the type of person she is. She is not friend material. Let your son be friends with hers but leave it at that. I don’t think I’d ever be able to forgive her personally.

What are you on about?

It's not 'gaslighting' to check with the OP that she is absolutely sure that she's got this right, before offering advice, as requested, as to how she should move on from here.

It's a long time to be so sure about someone you only met once briefly. OP explained about the unusual name, accent, etc and why she was so sure and I responded to her. Why are you trying to start an argument?

You've also quoted me alongside another poster who is not me, making it look like it's all from the same post. Why?

Weird post

It's a hard lesson to learn but some people completely lack empathy and I would also not want to engage with her. You're not in any way a bad person for avoiding her like the plague and I hope that it doesn't spoil the enjoyment of your activity too much as you both really deserve that. 🌸

I'll never forget about 4 years ago I was walking home from work in our town centre when a man came up to another guy riding on a bike, wacked him hard on the head so the guy on the bike crumpled to the floor. I was so horrified, I was the only one around and despite being a woman between 2 strange men who were possibly going to have a violent encounter, but I stared at the other guy who went off, stayed with this guy, waited until he got help, waited around to speak to the police, all while I had a baby at home to get back to.

A couple of months later I was walking to work when a guy in a car (I had to walk down a long main road through the centre with lots of car parks on the side) starts making a beeline for me in his car, shouting out at me about how gorgeous I am and making gross noises, tried to cut me off the path I was walking by pulling his car up in front of me. It was the same guy. He has no fucking recollection of how much I had helped him, or didn't care, I was just a piece of meat to him. It really stung me and has resonated with me since that some people just do not give a fuck about other human beings.

Years ago I worked as a mother's help and the boy I looked after was the kind of child who was too young to go into the gents on his own (7 years old if I remember correctly) but absolutely refused point blank to go into the women's loos with me. Huge screaming tantrum if I tried to take him in. I've met mothers whose children are equally inflexible and who have ended up having to use disabled loos as a result.

So perhaps you might consider the possibility that she was driven to her wits' end by a child who would rather have wet his trousers than use either of the viable options. Perhaps she kept coming back out of desperation and that it was desperation that made her seem so odd and unsympathetic.

Go and have a coffee with her and suss her out. She wouldn't be the first person to have behaved badly when stressed out.

People can change a lot in 5 years, she may not be such an awful person any more. I'd just be polite but keep her at arms length until you can suss out what she is like now.

It's not her son's fault, though I would have nothing to do with her.

Wtf?
the Ops child was lying in the floor having seizures covered in blood h.and this women keeps coming in !
No.matter how stressed she was nothing excuses that kind of behaviour take the child outside for a wee

I would not discourage the friendship as that would be confusing for him. But yes avoid coffee her at all costs.

Agree with deflecting because you're busy and the boys can arrange stuff between them.

If she gets pushy you could always say "I have a disabled daughter so I have hardly any free time". And keep repeating as necessary.

I'd really struggle not to tell her exactly why it won't be happening, or to look her straight in the eye when telling her you have a disabled daughter and add "but if course you know that", but I totally understand why you don't want to do this.

Hope his dad comes with him in the future and this naturally goes away...

Even if we assume her DS was about to pee on the floor because he wouldn't go in the ladies...

1. She came over, would have seen DD on the floor, blood, the member of staff etc. You'd just walk away. Offer to take DS for a hot chocolate. If you were too dense and actually wanted to push the injured kid out of the way so your son could pee, you're a pretty self absorbed person

1. She came back THREE times. Having been told they were waiting for an ambulance, having clearly loitered long enough to see, being able to see DD was still in the loo injured and no paramedics were about, it was bloody obvious the loo still wasn't free. If you're still trying to get them to take a seizing child out of the loo so you can step over the puddle of blood to pee, you're a bloody idiot.

1. She could have walked into men's with him. Bodily carried him into the women's. Taken him outside for a wild pee. Taken him home. Let him pee himself. ALL of those options are more acceptable than keep coming back to harass a women who's child is clearly in a bad way when you KNOW they're waiting for an ambulance.

1. The only people coming over should be qualified medics, or someone offering help with DS.

1. She accused op of HOGGING the toilet by having her disabled and very poorly and injured daughter who was bleeding and seizing on the floor. A TUT and HOGGING!! wtaf. That's not a bit self absorbed or a bit thick. That shows a lack of empathy and compassion that's bordering on frigging psychotic.

If she brings it up again I'd say 'Oh goodness, me organising play dates for ds goes down very badly now, he's at that age where he likes to organise his own social life'.

I’d not confront her about it either. She sounds so self centred that she’d just start another row about it in front of everyone.

If your son is surprised the other boy wants to play with him is take it that he’s not bothered about him and I’d try and engineer more activities with existing friends if you can, and “just not having a spare moment” to meet up with them.

How traumatic - you have my sympathies and understanding. Would you be willing to raise what happened? I wouldn’t be able to stop myself - what she did was incredibly inhumane and compounded your distress. There are situations I would let lie, but not this. Perhaps she needs the opportunity to know the deep and lasting impact the encounter had on you.

I think if the boys get on and give you are rural, I wouldn’t stop DS from interacting - her DS can’t be accountable for his cunty mother’s actions. However, I agree that you’ll come across her again and again in this situation.

Wishing you and your DD well.

The one thing I will absolutely not be doing is considering if she was having a bad day or putting myself in her shoes. Fuck that.

She could have hopped in her car and found somewhere else if the idea of the women or mens toilets were too problematic for her.

My DD was in a puddle of blood and was either fitting or screaming between fits. Her arm was very obviously broken. My DS was sat on a chair crying.
It was a horrific sight for anyone. Staff members in the shop still recognise me to this day.

There are NO excuses for what she did. None.

I would let the boys be friends, but no way would I have a coffee with her, and like you, I wouldn't' bother saying anything either. It's not your job to make her a better person.

I live semi-rurally and have to drive my boys about a lot, but I have no interaction with their friend's parents anymore. I just drop them off and pick them up.

Tbh I'd probably pull a Catherine Cawood and confront her over the coffee. "Don't you remember me Susie? I had to shout at you from the floor of asda's disabled loo back in 2014 because you came back three times to huff that I was still "hogging the loo" while my disabled DD was having her third consecutive seizure and we waited for an ambulance. I believe your issue was your son needed to take a piss with his mother's supervison, because he didn't want to go to the ladies and you didn't want to go to the gents. Now I'll say it again just so we're clear: do piss off dear. You're either thick as shit or you have no empathy. I've no time for either."

Fuck. Her.

I have a child with a complex disability and one that hasn't. I completely understand you need to keep something to dedicate time to your son. In your situation, I'd just make a comment about your time being tight and that the boys are free to meet up themselves if they want to. That way, you are not leaving her hanging for an answer and you have shown (politely) that you have no intention of meeting her, but you are not being rude. You are also stating that their friendship should be led by them and not engineered by you two, as mothers.

do not get involved with her. politely decline everything. i could never forgive someone like that.

There are NO excuses for what she did. None.

Exactly. I can't even imagine a scenario where my 'bad day' resulted in me behaving like she did.

If feel the same.