To avoid this woman based on 1 incident years ago?

[YetMoreNewBeginnings]

I can sometimes be quite tunnel vision-ed, and I can't really discuss this with RL friends so I'm after opinions.

My youngest DD is disabled. Five years ago she had a horrible fall in a supermarket disabled loo. Her condition was deteriorating, but we didn't quite know what we were dealing with yet. I popped her on the loo as normal and as I turned to get wipes she had a seizure and fell forward. She cracked her head on the floor, lots of blood, and broke her arm. The seizure went on to be the longest she'd ever had at that point.

My 7yo DS was standing outside waiting so I opened the door and sent him to customer service to alert them to the fact I was calling an ambulance (due to the seizure going on and on). A lovely member of staff came with a first aid box and blanket and we were focussed on DD.

While we were waiting a woman came along with her DS and asked if we were going to be long. She wanted to use the loo as her DS needed, he didn't like going into the ladies with her as he was too old, but she didn't want him in the gents. He was 7/8 looking. The staff told her we were waiting on an ambulance and she went away.

In the twenty minutes or so we waited on the ambulance she came back three times. Her DS clearly bursting more and more. The last time she came she actually tutted and said "Oh, you're still hogging the toilet". My DD was in the midst of another seizure so I snapped and said "Either take him into the ladies or let him into the gents ffs. We're waiting on an ambulance and we'll be here until they get here." She called me rude, the staff member asked her to walk away and tbh I never really thought anymore about her until recently. She made a scary event so much more stressful.

I take my DS to an event once a month, it's our time together away from the stresses of him living with his sister. It's purely our thing. He's been quite friendly with another boy there, who came with his Dad, but it's never been suggested that they meet up away from the event. At the weekend the boy came with his Mum. It's the woman from the supermarket.

She suggested that the boys could get together at other times since they get on well and that maybe we could have coffee - she clearly doesn't have any recognition of me (which is understandable). DS is absolutely non-plussed by the suggestion. At his age he does a lot of his organising on his own with his friends. I have absolutely zero inclination to have anything more to do with this woman - at best she was having a bad day and behaved like a dick. At worst she has zero empathy.

AIBU to discourage any suggestion of this friendship pf DS's being anything more than it is purely because of the woman?

I've a feeling she may not have realised how serious the situation was

Your need to give her credit is interesting.

She knew it was serious. She could see the blood and the fitting. Even if she missed the obvious atm.

She was told the first time we were waiting for an ambulance. And the second. And then had her hogging whinge the third time.

Her son was also happy to go into the gents loos. She was the one that had an issue with that. She had options. I had none. Her chosen option was to tut and moan that my injure daughter was hogging the toilet.

so no, I won’t be giving her the benefit of the doubt.

Children being angsty about using the toilet is one thing g.a child lying on the floor covered in blood and fitting is on a whole different scale ,even someone who.is completely self absorbed would think they should probably take their angsty child else where .

Your little girl was fitting on the toilet floor, head split open and covered in blood, and all this woman could do was moan at you that you were occupying a facility she had no right to be in anyway, that is abhorrent behaviour!! I'm disgusted.
I'm afraid I'd say no and tell her exactly why! Actions have consequences!
Any normal person, especially someone with a child the same age, would have comforted and chatted to your DS not made it worse.
If DS wants to be friends with the boy then great, it's not his fault his mother is a sociopath, but I'd do nothing to encourage it.

It's the hogging comment that made it so bad. A lot of women are scared of using loos or changing rooms with men so it's ok for someone to be scared of sending their son on their own and the boy may not have wanted to use the women's. She probably should have just gone with her son in the men's. The hogging comment is just ridiculous and awful

That’s the clincher for me that I can’t get by.

I totally understand why she didn’t want him in the men’s on his own. I’ve 6 kids myself and I get it. And I know there’s that crossover point where you want them in the ladies with you but they resist. In the times she kept coming bank she had time to drive elsewhere.

She had choices. I had none. And her choice was to be a dick toward me.

I don’t want someone like that anywhere near my life.

Your choice obviously.

Just like it's your choice to come on here and be an absolutely twat.

Absolute. You are an absolute twat, of course.

A bad human, just like the woman. Probably are her, to be fair.

If the boys wanted to meet I wouldn't stop a friendship but wouldn't have anything to do with her, she sounds awful even if she was having a bad day.. no empathy, all about her.

There's just something very visceral about the sight of another person covered in blood, especially a child. Even if you're under a lot of stress, even if you're not that nice a person it's something that should really stop you in your tracks and make you think "yeah you're definitely in a much worse situation than me right now". It's not normal to behave the way she did.

Having a different opinion on whether or not you'd give this woman a chance doesn't make you a twat.

OP I would do nothing to facilitate this friendship. She told you clearly what she was, take notice. Absolutely awful.

I mean, being judged by someone like you is absolutely fine.

Ironic that you speak of compassion.

Just following up on this thread, before being peri I suffered with PMDD and on the worst day of it at its height when I've been wanting everyone on earth to fuck off I cannot imagine i would ever, ever behave how that woman did.

How is the situation now OP?

Have you spoken to her?

I get it and I wasn’t defending her in any way. But there is always the chance that she got herself over stressed to the point of not recognising how unreasonable she was being at the time, and at least the OP has given it a chance. I acknowledge that she would have to have been pretty far gone not to recognise that a fitting child in a pool of blood waiting for an ambulance takes precedence over her little cherub not wanting to use the gents or the ladies !! I’m disabled and a wheelchair user and to my mind, this lady didn’t have the right to use the disabled loo for her child at all - he wasn’t disabled and disabled loos shouldn’t be viewed as a viable alternative if you don’t like the facilities on offer !! As a wheelchair user I don’t have the option of using a normal stall if some selfish twat is in the disabled toilet when they shouldn’t be - they’re not offered as an alternative to be used by able bodied people just because there’s a minor inconvenience and they feel entitled. I have waited anxiously in queues for disabled toilets because they’ve been occupied by mothers with children, mothers breastfeeding/changing babies, kids playing about while gormless parents are waiting in line for able bodies loos, and on one memorable occasion, two teenagers smoking pot. I get it.

I haven’t spoken to her. She doesn’t have (and won’t be getting) my number.

She brought it up at the event at the weekend and i just said DS generally doesn’t meet up with people from that group because they all come from wide distances.

If she’s there at the next one I can see her bringing it up again. Hopefully it’ll be back to his dad bringing him next time. He’s been bringing him since after lockdowns ended and never once brought up meeting outwith the event.

Well, it's pretty resolved now anyway.

Spoke to DS on the school run this morning (one upside to a bus no-show is 40 mins in the car where he can't escape!) and he's not remotely bothered/interested in organising meeting up with the other lad away from the monthly event.

Hadn't even been something he'd considered until the mother mentioned it. So on that basis I'm just going to politely turn down any future suggestions on the basis that DS has a busy social life as it is, and I don't have any spare time due to caring commitments.

Thanks for all the replies and suggestions though - really helped settle that I wasn't being OTT/unfair.