To avoid this woman based on 1 incident years ago?

[YetMoreNewBeginnings]

I can sometimes be quite tunnel vision-ed, and I can't really discuss this with RL friends so I'm after opinions.

My youngest DD is disabled. Five years ago she had a horrible fall in a supermarket disabled loo. Her condition was deteriorating, but we didn't quite know what we were dealing with yet. I popped her on the loo as normal and as I turned to get wipes she had a seizure and fell forward. She cracked her head on the floor, lots of blood, and broke her arm. The seizure went on to be the longest she'd ever had at that point.

My 7yo DS was standing outside waiting so I opened the door and sent him to customer service to alert them to the fact I was calling an ambulance (due to the seizure going on and on). A lovely member of staff came with a first aid box and blanket and we were focussed on DD.

While we were waiting a woman came along with her DS and asked if we were going to be long. She wanted to use the loo as her DS needed, he didn't like going into the ladies with her as he was too old, but she didn't want him in the gents. He was 7/8 looking. The staff told her we were waiting on an ambulance and she went away.

In the twenty minutes or so we waited on the ambulance she came back three times. Her DS clearly bursting more and more. The last time she came she actually tutted and said "Oh, you're still hogging the toilet". My DD was in the midst of another seizure so I snapped and said "Either take him into the ladies or let him into the gents ffs. We're waiting on an ambulance and we'll be here until they get here." She called me rude, the staff member asked her to walk away and tbh I never really thought anymore about her until recently. She made a scary event so much more stressful.

I take my DS to an event once a month, it's our time together away from the stresses of him living with his sister. It's purely our thing. He's been quite friendly with another boy there, who came with his Dad, but it's never been suggested that they meet up away from the event. At the weekend the boy came with his Mum. It's the woman from the supermarket.

She suggested that the boys could get together at other times since they get on well and that maybe we could have coffee - she clearly doesn't have any recognition of me (which is understandable). DS is absolutely non-plussed by the suggestion. At his age he does a lot of his organising on his own with his friends. I have absolutely zero inclination to have anything more to do with this woman - at best she was having a bad day and behaved like a dick. At worst she has zero empathy.

AIBU to discourage any suggestion of this friendship pf DS's being anything more than it is purely because of the woman?

I don’t understand how you can possible be sure this is the same woman you saw briefly while distressed five years ago. There is no way you can be certain it’s her.

You met this woman five years ago, in an extremely stressful situation, haven't seen her since, but you are 100% sure it's her?

It's 100% her.

Firstly I'd remember her face anywhere. I could also tell you exactly what she was wearing. Her image is burned into my brain.

Secondly she has an accent that stands out and her son has an unusual name.

It's her.

I think you can let him be friends with the boy and he can make his own meet up arrangements, but make sure that you let him know you won't get in to a situation of giving lifts to anyone else. It is a you and him thing, even on the commute you value this time together, and then just crack on. If she is there when you are, avoid her. If her husband asks for the favour of a lift then decline politely. There is no need to get in to a 'why'

She seems irrational. I wouldn't want my DC near someone who couldn't use their own logic and thinking skills to give someone space (and respect!) in an emergency. How utterly self absorbed would you have to be to be blinded to a CHILD being unwell on a bathroom floor just because her DC preferred not to use the other free toilets. What will her next drama be? I'd be worried something normal happens and she'd be quick to blame my DC for it etc. Not worth the hassle.

To reiterate - I'm not going to bring it up with her.

I can ignore it at the event as it's busy and chat is very limited. If I bring it up and she downplays it, or worse reiterates her annoyance I'll snap and tell her what I think of her.

I have a couple of friends who take their children to the same thing and they're very protective (we've had a very tough time. DD's prognosis is very poor.) and I know they'll just point blank refuse to talk to her. I don't want her son's time at the events spoiled - I just don't want her (and unfortunately that likely means him) to be part of our life at any other point.

I'm mostly just hoping it goes back to his Dad bringing him as he never brought up meeting up. In fact he barely chats at all.

Thanks for the opinions.

The fact that she doesn't remember you would piss me off greatly and make me even more wary of her. Harassing a mother in the middle of a frightening health-related situation with a child and not even giving it enough headspace to recall it? No thanks.

I would decline and coffee and tell her why.

If you don't want to address it then I would just make up an excuse. What she did was a shitty thing to do.

OP, I'm sorry to hear about the poor prognosis for your DD. You sound like you are a thoughtful person and kind mother. I hope it goes back to the Dad taking the boy to the event and you can breathe more easily again. All best wishes to you.

I may be against the grain, but I’m wary of friendships with the children of nutters like this. In the long run there tends to either be more issues with the parent that drive you mad, or then older the child gets the more they become like their parents and the less like an innocent child.
I’d probably just be passive and not facilitate. There’s plenty of friends out there. Find if they happen to cross paths, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to bring them together

I was team "you don't remember me do you? You son Banjo needed to use the toilet whilst I was stuck in it with my daughter having a fit...." but I understand your point for not. What happens if she just flat out denies it, which seems most likely or as yo u said, laughs it off.

So as such, I'd just dismiss it. Oh thanks but I'm very busy at the moment. Oh thanks but DS already has a lot going on. Then walk away.

I’d let your son organise his own social life and just not get involved, it’s not really fair to him or the other boy otherwise.

The incident you described sounds absolutely awful and you don’t have to engage with this woman at all. But given your son’s age it’s up to him.

Non-plussed means "so surprised and confused that one is unsure how to react."

OK, fair enough.

In that case, in your position, I would not be nice to her or facilitate the friendship between your sons, and I would tell her exactly why (in a polite way but making it clear).

This isn't internet bravado, btw, this is in fact what I would do in real life in your situation.

I'm sorry about your daughter.

She’s shown you how she behaves towards others. I wouldn’t want my child in her house. There are plenty of other boys your son could be friends with.

Same here.

Is it only this activity that brings the boys together? They don't attend the same school do they? If it is only this activity then there is a fair chance that their friendship won't progress much beyond the acquaintance stage. If they are also at school together then you might have more difficulty limiting things.

If the boys should become friends and want to meet up occasionally then I would try to facilitate it as far as I could whilst keeping the other mum at arm's length. I certainly wouldn't want to go for coffee with her. If she were to ask why then I would remind her about the incident (it may be possible that she hasn't recognised you??) and see how she responded to that. Her initial reaction would tell you everything you need to know about her.

Nothing excuses her behaviour towards you on the day of the incident with your poor DD. I would hope that she would have the grace to be apologetic and embarrassed, and to know that she could easily have taken her DS to one of the other toilets under the circumstances.

I wouldn't get in the way of a friendship between the children, but I would make it perfectly clear I wasn't up for coffee with the mother,

DS is absolutely non-plussed by the suggestion. At his age he does a lot of his organising on his own with his friends. I have absolutely zero inclination to have anything more to do with this woman

Your Ds isn't bothered and if he is can arrange it himself and you don't want anymore interactions with this woman - I don't see the issue be vey vague or avoid her going forward.

If your DS becomes closer friends or was really keen - then it might follow you'd have more interactions but as that's not the case I'd just ignore it all.

But in reality you wouldn't ,being parent of a disabled child is stressful enough ,and thankfully whilst my chi!d had complex needs, he doesn't suffer with seizures ,I can well understand why the aOp.doesn't want confrontation.

I'd have probably gone with telling her I knew her from before and enjoy watching her squirm but your thoughtfulness towards both her, as undeserving as she is, her son who is blameless, and towards your friends' loyalties is commendable.
You are far nicer than I am, that's for sure.
See if the Dad returns the next session and if he does, all is well.

Typical MN gas lighter lol.

Often goes hand in hand with arguing black is white about ridiculous things.

Do you not think the Up had enough t contend with them playing silly games and making people squirm ?🙄

I would carry that grudge forever, to be perfectly honest. She was in the wrong for so many reasons, and she was as unhelpful as a person can be whilst you were in the middle of one of the worst moments of your life.

If your DS wants to meet up with her DS, I wouldn't stand in his way. But I wouldn't be going out of my way to encourage this, and it doesn't sound like anything will happen unless you push it. If she raises the issue, I'd say that your DS makes his own decisions about who he wants to hang out with now he's this old, but hopefully (ha!) the two of them will gravitate towards each other as friends without involvement from either of you. Breezily bat her away.

I know how stressful being a parent of a disabled child is thanks. And I also understand why she doesn't want to hence I put "but I understand your point for not"

The kids can be friends without you liking or having anything to do with the mum. Let the kids organize outside meetups if you want.

But telling your son not to be friends with the kid is just not on.

Are you only RL friends one that have children attend the same event?!

I think you'd be best off nodding, smiling and saying you're very busy, too busy for anything like that.