To avoid this woman based on 1 incident years ago?

[YetMoreNewBeginnings]

I can sometimes be quite tunnel vision-ed, and I can't really discuss this with RL friends so I'm after opinions.

My youngest DD is disabled. Five years ago she had a horrible fall in a supermarket disabled loo. Her condition was deteriorating, but we didn't quite know what we were dealing with yet. I popped her on the loo as normal and as I turned to get wipes she had a seizure and fell forward. She cracked her head on the floor, lots of blood, and broke her arm. The seizure went on to be the longest she'd ever had at that point.

My 7yo DS was standing outside waiting so I opened the door and sent him to customer service to alert them to the fact I was calling an ambulance (due to the seizure going on and on). A lovely member of staff came with a first aid box and blanket and we were focussed on DD.

While we were waiting a woman came along with her DS and asked if we were going to be long. She wanted to use the loo as her DS needed, he didn't like going into the ladies with her as he was too old, but she didn't want him in the gents. He was 7/8 looking. The staff told her we were waiting on an ambulance and she went away.

In the twenty minutes or so we waited on the ambulance she came back three times. Her DS clearly bursting more and more. The last time she came she actually tutted and said "Oh, you're still hogging the toilet". My DD was in the midst of another seizure so I snapped and said "Either take him into the ladies or let him into the gents ffs. We're waiting on an ambulance and we'll be here until they get here." She called me rude, the staff member asked her to walk away and tbh I never really thought anymore about her until recently. She made a scary event so much more stressful.

I take my DS to an event once a month, it's our time together away from the stresses of him living with his sister. It's purely our thing. He's been quite friendly with another boy there, who came with his Dad, but it's never been suggested that they meet up away from the event. At the weekend the boy came with his Mum. It's the woman from the supermarket.

She suggested that the boys could get together at other times since they get on well and that maybe we could have coffee - she clearly doesn't have any recognition of me (which is understandable). DS is absolutely non-plussed by the suggestion. At his age he does a lot of his organising on his own with his friends. I have absolutely zero inclination to have anything more to do with this woman - at best she was having a bad day and behaved like a dick. At worst she has zero empathy.

AIBU to discourage any suggestion of this friendship pf DS's being anything more than it is purely because of the woman?

I'd do the same. If anything to wipe the slate clean and give her a chance to apologize. If she doesn't then you can move on.

Even if your having a bad day ,somebody with even an ounce of compassion wouldn't behave like that ,and if they .do.they absolutely deserve to.be judged .

My worry would be that if the boys become friends and there is a degree of parental facilitation with lifts etc

This is the reason I'm considering discouraging anything outwith the monthly event.

Orrrr....it may turn out it's not her after all!

It's absolutely her.

The reason I don't want to mention it to her is that if she laughs it off or reiterates the irritation she had on the day I don't want to risk a row that means I have to stop taking DS to the event. My DD's care dominates our home. DS (and our other children, who are all 18+ now) has lived with that from a very young age and life is still restricted for us in many ways because of her vulnerability. I don't want him to lose this event as it's our main one-to-one time together.

I have a very long memory and bear grudges so I completely understand your response and for me it would be a really visceral reaction. And her behaviour was awful. I would really struggle with it.

On the other hand I don't think it would be fair to let that stand in the way of your DS's friendships. Since she doesn't recognise you I would facilitate the friendship in a cordial, businesslike way but wouldn't want to become too friendly with her.

Are you absolutely sure she doesn't remember? Or is she just pretending not to remember? It may be that she is embarrassed and is just doing the British thing of pretending it never happened.

If you think your DS is going to develop a longer-term friendship with the kid you might want to bring it up but I'd cross that bridge when you come to it.

Poor OP - what an awful thing to happen.

The woman sounds very strange - who on earth would insist on using the disabled loo when there are two perfectly good other toilets and there is a child covered in blood on the floor?

Entitlement doesn’t even begin to describe it!

I would let your son crack on with his friendship but I wouldn’t want to see that nasty cow ever again.

There is a reasonable chance she would claim you have the wrong person. I would not mention it, but i wouldn't have any more than the bare minimum to do with her either.

Have nothing to do with her. If she is desperate for new friends to have coffee with, there's a reason for that.

Get a set of earphones and be zoned out whenever she is near. If she labours the point, tell her you remember her from the event and her behaviour was shocking. To ask to use the loo once might be just about passable but to keep harassing you when it was clear there was an almighty flap going on shows a whole different level of callousness.

Like I said, there is a reason she is short of people to go for coffee with.

I would definitely avoid her. And if she pushes it to have a coffee, dont ask her if she remembers, state what happened and that you do not associate with people like her.

What a vile woman

avoid her like a plague

I wouldn't just because I wouldn't want ds to then have more of a friendship with the boy (sadly) which would then make it harder to break. So I'd cut if off at this early stages.

It's a shame but the mother's behaviour was beyond appalling given what was happening. Unless your ds is a teen, there's no way he could have a friendship with her son without both of you needing to get along a bit. And for me, unless i can bring it up and get some sort of remorse and apology from her (with a good reason for acting that way), then i couldn't fake a smile or friendship even for the boys unfortunately.

You could go for the coffee, bring the conversation round to dickheads who appropriate the disabled facilities because it's more convenient for them, then tell the anecdote...

"You just wouldn't believe that anybody could actually be so entitled and so lacking in compassion, would you?" <Mumsnet tinkly laugh>

This^

Also why didn't she take him in the baby change which usually has a toilet in, instead of waiting for the disabled toilet.
She'd no right to use the disabled toilet anyway.

She is a truly awful human. I would not entertain her in any way but I would let your ds dictate the level of friendship. So her DS invited to yours for tea - fine. Daytrip out with parents- no thanks. And if your son isn't that fussed and has friends I wouldn't go out of my way to encourage it.

Before you meet for coffee you need to make sure she knows you have a disabled daughter whose needs you always prioritise. That's enough imo. If she can't offer you compassion at that point don't bother with her.

Or if you go down the not meeting her route don't feel bad. Don't feel bad for your son or anyone. You don't need drama.

Don't push down your own needs, you are doing enough already. x

I don’t think you can punish kids for their parents being tossers. On the other hand, it could get awkward if she starts wanting to take them out, or sleepovers. I’d seriously question her judgement and by extension her suitability to be caring for or supervising my dc. Your main responsibility is towards your dc. Unless your son is hard up for friends I’d be avoiding this.

Does your DS want to meet up with this lad outside of the activity? Because it sounds like she is the one raising that option and that the lads are quite happy as they are.
Even if the boys were to become friends, why would that mean you would need to have coffee/ meet ups with her?
It seems to be more about what she wants herself than about the children. I would refuse politely. If she pushed it, I would tell her why.

Oh I'd have to meet up with her for coffee. Then I'd mention DDs disability because she'll be sure to say "how awful/difficult" it must be or words to that effect, then I'd be saying "Well actually it's other peoples attitudes we find more difficult, you know one time DD was having a seizure in a disabled toilet and this horrific women ..." then I'd have nothing more to do with her.

I am actually chuckling - this is clearly a woman who hovers over her children and is ridiculously protective and nothing has changed in 5 years. My Ds was mortified that to make an arrangement to meet up with a friend from his activity me and the friend' mum had to be involved because there was no other way for the boys to get together. He's 11. Your Ds and hers are 12.

Just tell her that your DS is quite happy and able to organise his own social life and that you're sure the boys can text each other to make a plan.

No, don't play silly mind games with her. Either avoid her, confront her directly, or let bygones be bygones.

I'd be tempted to remind her who you are, what was happening that day and how much worse her behaviour made it.

One of my best friends at school was the daughter of someone my Mum has absolutely despised since her own childhood. She never mentioned anything at the time as she could see how well I got on with her daughter, and how good her daughter was to me when I was settling in to a new school.

In hindsight I see it was strange that the two mums didn't interact much, but I understand it, but appreciate my Mum for not letting it interfere.

So while this mum was a total idiot/bitch, don't let it colour any friendship between the children (albeit your son doesn't seem bothered anyway!)

Similar position with a dm but car related. I ignore her completely.. If my ds suggests meet ups I just say I am happy to attend parties with the dc but won't be out of school meet ups. Too young to question at 8!
She has tried to speak to me at a party obviously either forgetting who I am or her tongue not as obscene in public but I just turned away and went on my phone.

Can't believe what I've just read. I'm sorry I just could't be friends with someone like that neither could our children. I wouldn't want to educate her about anything. I would avoid her like a plague.

It's not her sons fault she's a cunt, so I would let their friendship be as you would had you not realised this.

I'd politely say that if the children want to get together you'll leave that for the dads to organise. That you are full time carer. Then move away so she can't chat.

This doesn't impact your son and you don't have to make small talk with such a rude woman.

I'd make sure your husband knows exactly what happened originally.