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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asked to be guarantor for DS who wont save - WWYD?

275 replies

wonderingannie · 23/01/2023 14:12

I just need some perspective hear - I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable or not

DS 20 in the 1st year of university started late due to covid so had a good 15 months off before, after much persuading and pushing, helping write CVs and application form etc finally got a job for around 6 months before which he saved half his wage (gave this to me to bank), to keep for when he started uni (I will add I never charged any board). He only gets the minimum loan which just covers costs of halls. Has been there for 5 months and has barely applied for any jobs, money is running out and I'm worrying! any spare money he got for xmas has been spent on games, clothes, trainers etc. Money just burns a hole in his pocket and if I hadn't pushed him to get a job pre uni he would literally not have a penny to his name right now.

He now needs to secure accommodation for next year and his loan no where near covers the cost of this, he has just this week secured a job (hooray), I'm really pleased but he is point blank refusing to send me part of his wages to save towards the astronomical rent next year (he says its embarrassing? I'm not sure who would know or why saving to ensure you can pay your rent is embarrassing). Yet he is expecting me to sign as a guarantor for this rent which if he defaults on I just cannot afford to pay. He has since said if I don't sign he will have to drop out!

He will be earning more than double what I send him weekly now (out of his savings), so saving a portion of it will still see him much better off than he is at the moment whilst ensuring his rent will get paid. He tells me he will save it but I just don't believe he has the will power to do so speaking from experience!

we are kind of at a stalemate at the moment and both likely feeling a bit blackmailed by the other

YANBU - I should trust that he will save it and sign as guarantor?

YABU - I should not sign until he agrees to send me a portion of his salary to save for rent. If he refuses let him quit.

OP posts:
Comefromaway · 23/01/2023 18:43

We are on an income of £65k and have two young people we have been supporting (both autistic). Barring a very sudden change in circumstances I wouldn’t dream of not supporting them.

its only for another 4 years. We just cut back elsewhere.

Drfosters · 23/01/2023 18:51

I think it is very apparent there is a gap in the market for a specific university ISA savings product that people can start putting into at birth for their children but can only be used for the purposes of university related expenditure which can help cover the parental contribution. That way it will not a be a massive bill shock when the child goes off to uni.

Untitledsquatboulder · 23/01/2023 18:53

@purpleboy if the OP's son is on the minimum maintenance grant and she has other children in education then their household income will be pushing 70k. You can look up the calculations on line.

Comefromaway · 23/01/2023 18:55

I do feel very sorry for a young person I know whose single parent has been on benefits most of their childhood partly due to I’ll health but a year before they are due to start uni have now got a better job and are about to move in with a new partner.

it’s not really fair that what they will get will be based on a new partner the young person has never lived with. I know their family will do their best though. And this is not the OP’s situation.

orchid220 · 23/01/2023 19:00

Comefromaway · 23/01/2023 18:55

I do feel very sorry for a young person I know whose single parent has been on benefits most of their childhood partly due to I’ll health but a year before they are due to start uni have now got a better job and are about to move in with a new partner.

it’s not really fair that what they will get will be based on a new partner the young person has never lived with. I know their family will do their best though. And this is not the OP’s situation.

I wouldn't move in with a new partner unless I could afford to make up for the student loan they would lose.

purpleboy · 23/01/2023 19:14

Untitledsquatboulder · 23/01/2023 18:53

@purpleboy if the OP's son is on the minimum maintenance grant and she has other children in education then their household income will be pushing 70k. You can look up the calculations on line.

I don't need to look it up, you can assume all you want about op's finances. The fact is neither you or I know what money she has available, but what I objected to is another poster being incredibly rude to her and then you jumped on the bandwagon with as I said no knowledge of her finances.
It's unkind and unnecessary.

ThisGirlNever · 23/01/2023 19:19

Drfosters · 23/01/2023 18:51

I think it is very apparent there is a gap in the market for a specific university ISA savings product that people can start putting into at birth for their children but can only be used for the purposes of university related expenditure which can help cover the parental contribution. That way it will not a be a massive bill shock when the child goes off to uni.

That would be a very popular product.

Also, given the government consider it the parent's responsibility to support their children through university, savings into the fund should be tax free, similar to pensions.

AttentionAll · 23/01/2023 19:24

purpleboy · 23/01/2023 19:14

I don't need to look it up, you can assume all you want about op's finances. The fact is neither you or I know what money she has available, but what I objected to is another poster being incredibly rude to her and then you jumped on the bandwagon with as I said no knowledge of her finances.
It's unkind and unnecessary.

Show quote history

We do not know how OP chooses to spend her money. maybe she has taken on too large a mortgage. But if she had been sensible she should have been able to make contributions for her DC and be a guarantor.

purpleboy · 23/01/2023 19:30

Your not wrong @AttentionAll but that was exactly the point I was making, no one here know where ops money goes, maybe she had a breakdown, maybe there was illness, maybe this is a recent increase in salary, or a million other reasons why op doesn't have this money. I find the other posters disgusting in the way they spoke to her when they have no idea of her situation, that is what I objected to.

clarehhh · 23/01/2023 19:43

Stop treating him like a child. Explain what needs to be done and that you expect him to do it. The loan won’t cover accommodation in full so if you aren’t topping it up then he needs to. He is 20 not a child! Have done this three times over and they all graduated without a hitch.

ittakes2 · 23/01/2023 19:47

I don't think you are at a stale mate - you can't guarantee a loan you could not cover if he defaults...so unfort the answer would be no.

orchid220 · 23/01/2023 19:49

purpleboy · 23/01/2023 19:30

Your not wrong @AttentionAll but that was exactly the point I was making, no one here know where ops money goes, maybe she had a breakdown, maybe there was illness, maybe this is a recent increase in salary, or a million other reasons why op doesn't have this money. I find the other posters disgusting in the way they spoke to her when they have no idea of her situation, that is what I objected to.

We do know the reason. She has said it's because she's got other children. That would be her choice to have a large family and have lower finances as a result. While there's nothing she can do about it now she could at least guarantee the rent like every other parent.

Justalittlebitduckling · 23/01/2023 19:50

Be careful what you sign. If he’s in a house share you can end up being liable for his flat mates as well. That said, it’s pretty much impossible to rent a house without a guarantor if you don’t have references from a previous landlord (in some parts of the country).

orchid220 · 23/01/2023 19:51

ittakes2 · 23/01/2023 19:47

I don't think you are at a stale mate - you can't guarantee a loan you could not cover if he defaults...so unfort the answer would be no.

Someone on more than 65k could get a loan to cover the rent if he did default.

purpleboy · 23/01/2023 20:21

Oh god someone else showing great ignorance @orchid220
Don't make assumptions on peoples lives. You have no idea how many children she has or how her circumstances have either come about or possibly changed.

Nikkidannih · 23/01/2023 20:34

Sorry but yes, I do think that you are being unreasonable.

Students have to have a guarantor to rent anywhere at all. This is completely standard. If you don’t do it, he is right that he will most likely have to drop out, unless another family member can do this. I don’t think it’s worth sacrificing his education over.

In regards to the money thing, He is 20 years old. He doesn’t need you managing his finances. Yes he might make mistakes, but that’s how we learn! How is he ever going to learn to manage his money if he’s not given the chance?

that being said, I think that you need a serious conversation about the implications it will have for you if he doesn’t pay rent. If that situation did occur, then I’d make it very clear he will owe you that money plus interest.

autienotnaughty · 23/01/2023 20:50

It is standard. He is penalised because of your income. If your income was lower he would get full loan which would cover the accommodation. The idea is that the parents top up the loan. It seems clear you don't want to or can't afford to. But if you don't guarantor his loan he will lose his chance to get a degree, to get a decent job. It's your choice but I would think carefully.

Comefromaway · 23/01/2023 21:02

My husband has never forgotten that his parents didn’t top up his grant with the expected parental contribution.

Never.

Onnabugeisha · 23/01/2023 21:03

Untitledsquatboulder · 23/01/2023 18:35

Most people who earn the sort of money the OPs household are on do help their children through uni though @purpleboy . Or at the very least act as guarantors for them. What sort of shitheeled parent let's their child start uni then pulls the rug out from under them?

What sort of shitheeled parent let's their child start uni then pulls the rug out from under them? Completely agree, it leaves them with student loans but no degree. Awful thing to do to your own child.

Theunamedcat · 23/01/2023 21:03

I dont think your being Unreasonable if you cannot afford his rent and he is unreliable with money the answer is no

he wants to be treated like an adult he needs to act like one

Threatening to leave university just shows his immaturity here

icelolly12 · 23/01/2023 21:38

I'm wondering if the op's ds is only getting the basic loan because OP couldn't be arsed/wouldn't fill in the forms rather than that she's on a high income.

@Theunamedcat if he has nowhere to live he will have no choice but to leave Uni... students don't earn a full time income and therefore require a guarantor if they live away from home.

AttentionAll · 23/01/2023 21:44

@Theunamedcat Why is it immature to point out the reality of what will need to happen?

Comefromaway · 23/01/2023 21:48

It’s not immature, it’s fact. He will have to leave if she won’t be guarantor.

icelolly12 · 23/01/2023 21:56

I'm actually in shock that a parent would sabotage their own child's education and future opportunities. I genuinely feel so bad for the op's ds who has saved money, has a job, hasn't expected a penny from his own parents despite only getting the minimum loan and has a battle on his hands to get a guarantor for his accommodation... do better op.

icefishing · 23/01/2023 23:58

Theunamedcat · 23/01/2023 21:03

I dont think your being Unreasonable if you cannot afford his rent and he is unreliable with money the answer is no

he wants to be treated like an adult he needs to act like one

Threatening to leave university just shows his immaturity here

But the government doesn't fund them as fully functioning adults.
If you are higher earning family you are meant to step up and support your dc to some degree.
OP isn't doing this.