Asked to be guarantor for DS who wont save - WWYD?

[wonderingannie]

I just need some perspective hear - I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable or not

DS 20 in the 1st year of university started late due to covid so had a good 15 months off before, after much persuading and pushing, helping write CVs and application form etc finally got a job for around 6 months before which he saved half his wage (gave this to me to bank), to keep for when he started uni (I will add I never charged any board). He only gets the minimum loan which just covers costs of halls. Has been there for 5 months and has barely applied for any jobs, money is running out and I'm worrying! any spare money he got for xmas has been spent on games, clothes, trainers etc. Money just burns a hole in his pocket and if I hadn't pushed him to get a job pre uni he would literally not have a penny to his name right now.

He now needs to secure accommodation for next year and his loan no where near covers the cost of this, he has just this week secured a job (hooray), I'm really pleased but he is point blank refusing to send me part of his wages to save towards the astronomical rent next year (he says its embarrassing? I'm not sure who would know or why saving to ensure you can pay your rent is embarrassing). Yet he is expecting me to sign as a guarantor for this rent which if he defaults on I just cannot afford to pay. He has since said if I don't sign he will have to drop out!

He will be earning more than double what I send him weekly now (out of his savings), so saving a portion of it will still see him much better off than he is at the moment whilst ensuring his rent will get paid. He tells me he will save it but I just don't believe he has the will power to do so speaking from experience!

we are kind of at a stalemate at the moment and both likely feeling a bit blackmailed by the other

YANBU - I should trust that he will save it and sign as guarantor?

YABU - I should not sign until he agrees to send me a portion of his salary to save for rent. If he refuses let him quit.

I don't know a single person whose parents would sign as guarantor

You can either sign as guarantor where your DS will be able to complete his course and likely go on to earn a higher income than he otherwise would, hopefully in a field he enjoys. Maybe he'll be able to help you out in the future.

Or you don't and he moves back home and you're left with an unemployed son who is dependant on you for goodness knows how long.

My dd is at uni. We and all of her flatmates parents have signed as guarantors.

Absolutely bog standard to be a guarantor for student accommodation.

This thread is clearly demonstrating the lack of understanding about how the system works today.

I'm assuming you didn't go to University away from home or have dc that did then as there really is no other option for the vast majority of students.

OP people are being really harsh in saying you have had years to save for it.
Yes I'm sure everyone would love to have copious amounts of savings to help their children attend university but in reality that's not realistic.
Life gets in the way, bills and mortgages are ridiculous.
Your son has just as much responsibility as you towards this because he has chosen this path. Nobody has forced him to go to uni.
If he's not prepared to pay enough to savings via you to cover next year then you have to say no. You can't risk ending up with a debt that not yours and put your children still at home at risk.
Please don't take these comments to heart, so many parents would be in the exact position you are.

Gosh what an unfair pile on of the Op!!

In my life l have often come across (through my work )young people who, despite earning good salaries are completely unable or unwilling to budget and totally incapable of living independently and paying bills on time...at the age of 25 or so...
The responses on here show why...They are not expected to work and save for Uni, budget or be well..... a grown up. 18 is perfectly old enough to manage money, juggle a job and Uni.

Op l would have done what you have suggested to help your son put money aside, but no l would not be a guarantor if l could not afford it, you could lose your home and incur serious debt.

Thank you to everyone who has been understanding and has offered helpful advice which I will take on board and have a good chat with DS on moving forward, I won't be posting any further. For everyone else with perfect lives a long slow clap for you 👏

Remind me never to post on mumset about anything financial ever. Some of you are being absolutely VILE.

I think you have been given a shit time @wonderingannie from the numerous threads on the higher education board (far more supportive than AIBU) not everyone can afford £5k per year to support their child through uni. There are lots of how much do you give your child threads. Maybe be on there in future for this sort of thing. Considering the COL and everyone complaining about costs I think most people cannot afford to fully support their child.

60% of students work. Parents help children learn to budget and in this case more so due to being a guarantor on a property. Ds's rent is over £7k at uni for second year, I am a guarantor for that but luckily just him and no one else unlike some shared houses.

This gets under my skin. My life is far from perfect. I was permanently disabled and made unable to work in an RTA when my eldest was 13. But we didn’t touch the Uni savings we had built up, even though we ended up losing our home and had to private rent. We kept putting money by for them, even though our income dropped to what is actually at least half your income.

You make a big song and dance about being “unable to afford” to help your DS at Uni, but you’ve said the past twenty years has been a constant improvement in your income and financial stability. YOUVE had the perfect life compared to mine. You’ve not gone from earning a decent wage to zero. So it’s really irritating for you to assume everyone that is responsible and has saved for their DCs unis have had “perfect lives”.

Onnabugeisha and some people (to be clear NOT ME) would absolutely slate you for not touching those savings to "keep a roof over your children's heads." You're behaving no better than those people. You have no idea what challenges there have been in OP's family's life beyond what she has been willing to share on a public forum - yet anybody with half an ounce of empathy can see that the OP is getting piled up on and there's no need to add to it.

Seriously have you been to in in the past 10 or so years? I don’t know a single person who’s parents didn’t have to sign as a guarantor!

This.
My DC's had maintenance loans, which they will eventually repay. This didn't fully cover the cost of rent. We were guarantors or they wouldnt have been able to get 2nd year accommodation. It was standard. They had jobs to help them pay their way, but I wouldn't expect them to send half of a minimum wage job, unless it goes into a "rent" account.
Look at the Student Union housing advice sites. It can be arranged for the maintenance loan which is paid termly to go straight to the landlord by direct debit. There are ways that you can control what goes into the rent account so that its paid up and you don't get pursued for it. One DC's house had a bills company which collected and paid the bills from each student and had direct debit deducted each month.
Everyone around him will be trying to save money.
In the mean time Martin's Moneysaving Expert site has a whole section on student living and advice on how to budget.
Your DS did work for six months before uni to save up, so he can do it.

I think in some cases the university have a scheme where they act as guarantor maybe look into that

Join the what I wish I knew about university page on Facebook too your not alone in this scenario far from it

I kept a roof over my DCs heads. WTF are you talking about?
I have only referred to the info the OP has given about her life and objected to her assumption that a certain opinion on this thread = perfect lives.

People don't live perfect lives. That is the whole point. They have saved despite not having perfect lives. Even if you have good reason for not being able to contribute to the very minimal loan he will be getting you could at least guarantee his rent so he has somewhere to live. Your refusal to do that because you don't consider him to be good at finances when you don't sound great yourself is very hypocritical.

You obviously don't know any students then. Most landlords will not rent to them unless they have a guarantor.

He is supporting himself, you are just controlling it all.....he now has a job so surely he needs to stand on his own 2 feet instead of him paying you so you can pay him? Being my son, I'd go guarantor and if he fucked up it would be last thing I done for him. You're refusing to go guarantor and he hasn't fucked up.....

Definitely not a perfect life op, just a hell of a lot of hard work and sacrifice to give my DD the opportunities that I didn't have.

You asked for advice and hopefully you can be a little bit more understanding and kind to your son. Many of his peers will be getting far more support and guidance.

Fucking hell, I think you're the piece of work here.
Get your head out of your arse, not everyone can afford to finance their child through Uni.

You should be ashamed of the way you have spoken to OP. Totally uncalled for and disgusting.

I'd say a lot more to you but I'd get deleted.

YANBU - I should trust that he will save it and sign as guarantor?
*YABU - I should not sign until he agrees to send me a portion of his salary to save for rent. If he refuses let him quit

Unfortunately you could well BU in either of these scenarios - you said yourself he's unlikely to save, and any "agreement" to send you a portion of his salary could be ignored the instant you signed as a guarantor, leaving you in a hell of a mess if he defaults

TBH he doesn't really sound one of those who Uni will suit, but if he's determined to press ahead I'd suggest he approaches them to find if they have a Uni Guarantor scheme of their own

Most people who earn the sort of money the OPs household are on do help their children through uni though @purpleboy . Or at the very least act as guarantors for them. What sort of shitheeled parent let's their child start uni then pulls the rug out from under them?

Shitheeled parent?

That's a disgusting way to talk about someone you don't know, especially as you have no knowledge of their finances.
You like the other poster should be ashamed to talk to someone like that.

I have only just realised your household income must be over £64k, so yes you should be guarantor. You are not on a low income.