Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Our guests are hinting they wont leave .. continued thread …

802 replies

Duvetdaysaregood · 23/01/2023 09:31

Did anyone read my previous thread were dd bf invited his parents to stay over Christmas and it was awful? Seemed to be dominating our household etc. bit of a user . We got some very good advice.

We have now been thrown a bit of a new situation and would appreciate advice please.

Our dd has kindly booked us a weekend away , her and us . We were over the moon until we heard the words and bf can come and look after the pets . ( we normally take with us , but cannot to this venue ) .

In the previous thread I identified that the bf said to us he considered our home one of his bases.
There is a backstory in the thread but don't know how to link !

We really dont want him to be in our home by himself (and also possibly invite parents again. )
In the face of our daughters genuine kindness we are instead of feeling pleased , stressed.
We don't want to lose her by insulting her bf , but anyone who has read the previous thread will know why this is really not on .

What in earth can we say to our dd?
We also would like advice on what do to in future a
s we feel that anytime we go away our home may be seen as an opportunity to be moved into as he may see it as a chance for a free holiday ( again if you read the backstory , you will know why)

( we cannot really say oh so and so is moving in for a week to deter ? As this gives the idea its fine for people to move into our home. Of course if it was our dd or other family members it would go without question they are welcome to use our home , we would be glad to let them use it .)
Simply do not know how to deal
with this and as said we don't want to lose dd over the fact that we do not want her bf using our house when we are away — she knows we are naturally inclusive people and will sus that this is not how we are and be surprised if we say no . . she will ask why.. especially has done something so kind for us .

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Judashascomeintosomemoney · 23/01/2023 09:59

I assume you are going in the holiday with your DD? So you’ll be having to find someone/somewhere for the dogs anyway? Beyond that I’m afraid I agree with those saying you’re just going to have to be blunt and explain it’s him and his family you don’t want there. Some of these convoluted ideas and excuses are ridiculous, if you don’t tell her now this isn’t going to go away is it? And you’ll keep having to pussyfoot around the issue. The longer you leave it the worse it’ll be, might as well talk to her about it now.
And I would also be either changing or adding to the locks just to make sure there was no chance of the free loader gaining access anyway.

Beautiful3 · 23/01/2023 09:59

I'd get them booked into kennels. If she asks you about him staying at yours, you're going to have to grow a back bone. You need to say firmly, I'm sorry but I don't want people staying at mine, while I'm away. If she asks why, just say I just don't.

Parisj · 23/01/2023 09:59

'We love you to bits and are excited to go away. We are not comfortable having bf (or anyone, actually) staying in our house while we are away.'

BMW6 · 23/01/2023 10:00

Your daughters BF invited his parents to your house for Xmas? Seriously?

Surely your daughter knows that his parents were shit guests and he had no right to invite them in the first place?

You need to have a serious talk with her about what is not acceptable to you in YOUR home. You don't trust him to pet sit in your home. This has to be made clear to her even if she gets the hump. If she can't be trusted not to give him a key despite your express wishes then change the locks and don't give her a key.

Dogs in kennels.

IPreferTheStrawberryOne · 23/01/2023 10:01

What did he steal?

I don't get why you're being such wimps about this. So what if her feelings are hurt? She needs to hear the truth. She will have to bear it.

springerspanielpuppy · 23/01/2023 10:02

I didn't see the previous thread so the obvious question is how old is your DD and why can you just say no? No to boyfriend coming to the house or no to the weekend? Because even if you use kennels or neighbours he could still use your house if you're not there right?

JenniferBarkley · 23/01/2023 10:02

Honestly OP, I think you're going to have to come clean about not being comfortable with him using the house. As you say, this will come up again and again otherwise.

Could you keep it quiet when other people come?

Does your DD see you as ancient? Blush Could you use the "now that we're getting on a bit we just prefer not to have people in the house when we're not there, we're not as comfortable with it as we were when we were your age!"

It doesn't sound like your DD is one to take a hint on this topic (and I agree with a PP, I don't think she's necessarily as innocent in this as you would like to believe...) so I don't think excuses will cut it unfortunately.

MintJulia · 23/01/2023 10:02

I think you need to have a grown up conversation with your daughter and explain that the answer is NO!

That the house is your home, your personal safe space and you do not want anyone staying there when you are not there. Explain that her behaviour is making you profoundly uncomfortable and it needs to stop.

If she won't take that on-board then you need to change the locks and not give her a key.

user1471538283 · 23/01/2023 10:02

You say to her that the dogs are going to a kennels. You also say that you are concerned with the lock because it is playing up and you are changing it. Then kind of forget to give her a copy each time. As an adult when my DF moved I never had a key to his house until I lived in the same city.

Her bf is moving in by stealth and you will never get rid of him if he considers your home one of his "bases". He needs to get his own home. He is not your responsibility.

You have got to knock this whole thing on the head now.

FictionalCharacter · 23/01/2023 10:02

ChiaraMontague · 23/01/2023 09:46

I think you need to have an honest conversation with DD about her BF using your home as "one of his bases" and your concerns about his family staying over again. This will keep coming up again and again if you don't discuss it with her and it will only get harder.

This. Making excuses is just prolonging this situation. If you really believe your dd might disown you if you stop her boyfriend using your home as his property, you need to have a serious talk with her about what’s wrong with what he’s trying to do.

ThisIsTotallyNewInformation · 23/01/2023 10:03

Gosh just say you don't want her bf staying in your home, he said to you he considers your home one of his "bases", at that point you say, no sorry our home isn't your home and isn't to be considered as such.

I assume your house must be decked out and in a nice area you'd holiday in? You simply need to be honest, you don't want him in your house, use your words. It isn't a free hotel for him to use.

RisingSunn · 23/01/2023 10:04

I may be overly cynical - but I have a feeling this trip surprise isn’t coming from a genuine place. Just a way to get him in. 🤨

Whataretheodds · 23/01/2023 10:05

Duvetdaysaregood · 23/01/2023 09:46

Anyrandom name .. great suggestion .. woukd do that But.. my fear is that dd will say yes but look bf wants to stay and have a break . She knows other people have done it in our home . Can he stay? Why not. Xyz do ?

This is a perfect opportunity to pick up on the 'one of his bases' comment.

It isn't one of his bases. It's your home. He has been there as an invited guest. It is not a holiday home or a hotel for him to come as he pleases and invite other people.

As PP said, if your relationship with your daughter is going to be ruined by her bf not having the run of your home then she has some growing up to do.

pelargoniums · 23/01/2023 10:05

Duvetdaysaregood · 23/01/2023 09:55

The bf is opportunistic as his way of being . He sees situations from
the perspective of what he can get from them . He has stolen . Our dd is in denial that this has happened. He stole but dd insisted it was a mistake .
We need a strategy for when we go away in future too .. as it will be seen as a free holiday maybe . i feel like we will have to hide the fact we will be going away in future and it is the opposite of having a relaxing break .
We wish we could tell dd how we but she would side with him or be hurt . It is such a shame as we will look the bad guys here .

The strategy is you talk honestly with your DD and let her be hurt or side with him. Otherwise you’ll be tiptoeing around for years pretending to have dogs in kennels, the house fumigated, losing keys, changing locks, making up insurance excuses. Bite the bullet now.

Has she actually booked this holiday for you, or has she booked it to give her boyfriend an opportunity to go into your house?

LovingLifesHurdles · 23/01/2023 10:05

Perhaps a head on solution is needed as I can't see you being able to find an excuse every time you go away.

To avoid conflict or hurting your DDs feelings maybe go along these lines: we know you love your DP and we are so pleased you have found someone that makes you happy. But we don't know him yet and the experience at Christmas made us a bit uncomfortable. Your DP would be welcome to join you as a guest when we are around but having known him such a short time we don't want him staying in our house alone.

If she tries to talk you round with examples of other people that have stayed who you didn't know well, perhaps just stick firm that this is just how you feel. That's not something that can easily be argued with.

Follow up that you have already booked a house sitter / pet sitter etc. Personally I would also take the suggestion of adding another lock and asking neighbours to keep an eye out just in case.

RedBonnet · 23/01/2023 10:06

Do you think she deliberately chose somewhere that you couldn't take the dogs?

KonTikki · 23/01/2023 10:07

You need to have a serious grown up talk with your DD. You cannot allow her, or them, to pull your strings like a puppet.
It's YOUR home.

No way on God's earth would we allow a BF to stay in our home alone.
We have allowed our DD & BF stay together when we've been away w/o a problem.

Time to set your boundaries.

wildseas · 23/01/2023 10:07

in your position I would do three things:

Follow pp excellent suggestion to put an extra lock on front and back doors for when you’re away so that you’ve got peace of mind that no one can actually be in your house. Don’t give dd a key, and don’t use them day to day.

Book the dogs into kennels before you speak to dd so that it’s a done deal when you speak.

Change your policy to no one in the house when we’re away ever and make it clear to dd. You can use an excuse for why if you need to - insurance/age/damage a previous time/heating cost increase etc

Longer term I think that you will need a proper conversation with her about things, but this should sort this holiday.

Marigoldandivy · 23/01/2023 10:07

I can’t find your previous post, but the only way you will resolve this permanently is to have a difficult conversation with your daughter. That will be difficult once, but will save you an infinite number of occasions where you have to go to ridiculous lengths to avoid the subject.

MichelleScarn · 23/01/2023 10:08

@Duvetdaysaregood I'm cynical and think that the holiday for you has solely been arranged as the bf and family want access to your home.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 23/01/2023 10:08

Ihatethenewlook · 23/01/2023 09:49

Are you serious? Your DD’s boyfriend will move his family into your house if you go away for a few days?? On what planet would anyone think this is normal? Why can’t you tell her I don’t want your boyfriends parents moving in while we’re gone? They sound batshit for thinking this is ok. You sound even more batshit for not telling them it’s not!

I have to agree with this. Your daughter sounds oblivious to social norms and basic consideration for her own parents.

Thesonglastslonger · 23/01/2023 10:08

I think you’re overcomplicating this. Just say “Don’t be silly of course we don’t want people staying in our house when we’re not here.” “But he wants to come!” “But WE don’t want him to and it’s our house love don’t be silly of course we don’t want guests staying here when we’re away, this isn’t an airbnb! If we need help we’ll get a professional in.”

It isn’t the end of the world if DD realises you don’t like her boyfriend. You won’t ‘lose her’.

And definitely get an extra lock to use when you’re away.

MichelleScarn · 23/01/2023 10:08

RedBonnet · 23/01/2023 10:06

Do you think she deliberately chose somewhere that you couldn't take the dogs?

This too!

Seaweed42 · 23/01/2023 10:09

Is there a possibility that the BF suggested to DD that she should take you away for the weekend.
She's SO considerate and thinking of the pets as well. Does she really like spending time with you guys so much?
Why would she not invite BF along for the weekend? She'll be getting her own room anyway?
Odd. very Odd.

Swipe left for the next trending thread