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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Our guests are hinting they wont leave .. continued thread …

802 replies

Duvetdaysaregood · 23/01/2023 09:31

Did anyone read my previous thread were dd bf invited his parents to stay over Christmas and it was awful? Seemed to be dominating our household etc. bit of a user . We got some very good advice.

We have now been thrown a bit of a new situation and would appreciate advice please.

Our dd has kindly booked us a weekend away , her and us . We were over the moon until we heard the words and bf can come and look after the pets . ( we normally take with us , but cannot to this venue ) .

In the previous thread I identified that the bf said to us he considered our home one of his bases.
There is a backstory in the thread but don't know how to link !

We really dont want him to be in our home by himself (and also possibly invite parents again. )
In the face of our daughters genuine kindness we are instead of feeling pleased , stressed.
We don't want to lose her by insulting her bf , but anyone who has read the previous thread will know why this is really not on .

What in earth can we say to our dd?
We also would like advice on what do to in future a
s we feel that anytime we go away our home may be seen as an opportunity to be moved into as he may see it as a chance for a free holiday ( again if you read the backstory , you will know why)

( we cannot really say oh so and so is moving in for a week to deter ? As this gives the idea its fine for people to move into our home. Of course if it was our dd or other family members it would go without question they are welcome to use our home , we would be glad to let them use it .)
Simply do not know how to deal
with this and as said we don't want to lose dd over the fact that we do not want her bf using our house when we are away — she knows we are naturally inclusive people and will sus that this is not how we are and be surprised if we say no . . she will ask why.. especially has done something so kind for us .

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
TedMullins · 23/01/2023 10:09

ChiaraMontague · 23/01/2023 09:46

I think you need to have an honest conversation with DD about her BF using your home as "one of his bases" and your concerns about his family staying over again. This will keep coming up again and again if you don't discuss it with her and it will only get harder.

this! Why all this pussy footing and making up excuses? This whole situation could be solved with honesty.

Your other house swaps are irrelevant because they were with people who you mutually arranged it with, not entitled people who unilaterally decided your home was their “base” without any invitation from you.

You need to tell your daughter that her bf’s entitlement and that of his parents is the reason he can’t stay, and they can’t stay, you find it overbearing and he isn’t staying in the house, end of conversation. You have no issue with him as a person or him visiting while you and DD are at home but he’s way overstepped the mark with his attitude and isn’t to be there unattended.

horseyhorsey17 · 23/01/2023 10:09

Pay for a house/dogsitter and tell daughter that's what you're doing. Your house/dog, your rules.

Fraaahnces · 23/01/2023 10:10

I wonder if you and your home are half of the attraction bf has to your DD in the first place? Perhaps you need to be a lot stronger and spell it out to her? Why don’t you toughen up a bit and let her know that BF and his family are CF’s?

HoppingPavlova · 23/01/2023 10:10

Say you have already booked a pet sitter and it’s non refundable/you will lose 50% or something if you can’t be honest with your daughter.

Original poster
Duvetdaysaregood · 23/01/2023 10:10

Yes the cynical aspect has crossed my mind .
its parents fave holiday location . They have very little money. i am so hope that dd not set up here.

My issue is dd has seen us offer it to others countless times . So to her , its natural . So she will question .

My other issue is that he is a long term b f and one that may become part of the family via marriage . He says that he gets in well with us and has even referred to my dh as his additional df.

OP posts:
ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 23/01/2023 10:11

Duvetdaysaregood · 23/01/2023 09:55

The bf is opportunistic as his way of being . He sees situations from
the perspective of what he can get from them . He has stolen . Our dd is in denial that this has happened. He stole but dd insisted it was a mistake .
We need a strategy for when we go away in future too .. as it will be seen as a free holiday maybe . i feel like we will have to hide the fact we will be going away in future and it is the opposite of having a relaxing break .
We wish we could tell dd how we but she would side with him or be hurt . It is such a shame as we will look the bad guys here .

Then let her be hurt. You shouldn't have to live with major stress and anxiety about fucking strangers taking over your own HOME, just to appease her. She needs to grow up.

NameNotRelevant · 23/01/2023 10:11

For goodness sake just tell your DD that you are not comfortable with her Bf staying in your home while you’re away and you will not have his parents staying either. If anyone had stolen from my home then they would be welcome back, boyfriend of daughter or not. Why the hell do some people put up with this?

BMW6 · 23/01/2023 10:12

I'd also install a burglar alarm and DON'T tell daughter the code.

Reindear · 23/01/2023 10:12

user982548025 · 23/01/2023 09:56

"Thank you darling that's really kind of you but we have already made other plans for the animals because we've got to the point where we don't feel comfortable with anyone else at all in the house when we are not there. Maybe we're becoming less chilled as we get older! Really looking forward to spending some time with you. Please thank Dave for his kind offer but its a "no" this time xx."

and if she pushes it

"Its your father's sex dungeon darling. He's very possessive about it. LOL. No thank you darling. Nobody is allowed to stay in the house when we are not there xx."

its your fathers sex dungeon darling 😂😂

GrainOfSalt · 23/01/2023 10:12

@Duvetdaysaregood go back and read your posts on the previous thread. I would not trust the boyfriend in your home (and wouldn't want him staying there without you there at all even if your daughter was there). You will come home to an empty freezer at the very least.
What were your original plans for the dogs? (Sorry I may have missed a post) arrange for a friend to stay if you can (rather than leaving the house empty) and act dim when your daughter complains saying you hadn't confirmed re the boyfriend

dinmin · 23/01/2023 10:12

I was going to suggest something similar to PP about building/maintenance work etc - is there something small that actually needs doing that you can get someone in for so you have something to show for it but can exaggerate?!

OR can you pretend a friend / neighbour / relative needs something done urgently in their house (new boiler, leaking roof, infestation, that sort of thing) and so you have offered for them to stay?!

but yeah not a long term solution!

StillWantingADog · 23/01/2023 10:12

I think a simple 'oh there's no need for your bf to come and look after the dogs I think x would like to do it instead'

Emotionalsupportviper · 23/01/2023 10:13

Duvetdaysaregood · 23/01/2023 09:43

i did think of hiuse swap but dd has our house key .

Change your locks. Or add an extra lock.

Tell her that you've already made arrangements for the dogs, and that your insurance means that no-one can stay when you aren't present (it's a new policy, if she argues).

If he still tries to come, he won't be able to get in. You can tell her that the lock was damaged and you had to put a new one on.

I read your previous thread and I wouldn't trust them either.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 23/01/2023 10:13

I don't think there is any plausible excuse here.
Can't you come clean to your DD?
If you are normally generous, open and hospitable wouldn't she realise you would only do this with good reason?
Is the problem that she is under the spell of an areshole and his user parents (I remember your thread, so get the gist, but not sure from memory why you can't be honest with DD)

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 23/01/2023 10:13

RisingSunn · 23/01/2023 10:04

I may be overly cynical - but I have a feeling this trip surprise isn’t coming from a genuine place. Just a way to get him in. 🤨

Yes. There is something sinister going on.

I'd decline the trip.

Rowthe · 23/01/2023 10:13

ChiaraMontague · 23/01/2023 09:46

I think you need to have an honest conversation with DD about her BF using your home as "one of his bases" and your concerns about his family staying over again. This will keep coming up again and again if you don't discuss it with her and it will only get harder.

This.

It's the only option that stops this from keep happening.

2Rebecca · 23/01/2023 10:14

What would you do with the dogs otherwise? If you can make alternative plans for the dogs then tell your daughter this and say you don't like having people in your house when you aren't there and just be firm about not wanting anyone to stay.

TedMullins · 23/01/2023 10:14

IPreferTheStrawberryOne · 23/01/2023 10:01

What did he steal?

I don't get why you're being such wimps about this. So what if her feelings are hurt? She needs to hear the truth. She will have to bear it.

This.

Ragwort · 23/01/2023 10:14

You sound a bit frightened of your DD, you really need to be tough and have that 'awkward' conversation, so what if you hurt your DD's feelings, maybe she needs to see the truth about how awful her BF and his DPs are?

museumum · 23/01/2023 10:15

You need to be honest with your DD. Day after the “misunderstanding” last time you don’t want any more chances for misunderstanding. Although he may be your future son in law and you don’t want to lose your DD you also can’t be lying every time this comes up.

ChippyTea16 · 23/01/2023 10:15

I think you're just going to have to be honest with your DD and say something like 'while we are really grateful for organising the trip for us, we aren't comfortable allowing BF to stay while we aren't there'. If she asks why not, you can just say that you don't want to interfere but there were some red flags raised over Xmas when he stayed. She'll probably ask what they are so you can give her the specific examples about him not doing anything to help her, acting like he is the head of the house etc.

She can't really argue with you, ultimately it is YOUR house and you can have who you like to stay or not stay. If she pushes it, ask her why she is pushing for him to stay so hard. If she goes on about it being a holiday for him you'll just have to hold firm and say he'll need to make alternative arrangements if he wants his own holiday.

Original poster
Duvetdaysaregood · 23/01/2023 10:15

Yes , although he cares for our dd I am sure that our financial security and home owner situation is something he is pleased about . His family really struggle financially and i think he feels comfortable with out situation as he has seen his parents in financial chaos historically .

OP posts:
IsItThough · 23/01/2023 10:15

It seems a bit out of the blue - would she normally organise a holiday for you without discussion first? And why isn't boyfriend coming with you?

I think I would say "let make it a mum and daughter weekend" and say dad's going to stay home this time because (plausible reason to do with old friend visiting/someone's birthday)

And then change the locks/and the rules. Separately - insurance doesn't cover having houseguests without us at home/we're not comfortable with that open house thing any more etc

2Rebecca · 23/01/2023 10:16

I'd also look at changing the locks

nilsmousehammer · 23/01/2023 10:16

Ah, your dd has seen you offer it to many friends so the 'we don't like people in our home when we're not there' is out and it would be personal to this particular person. I see.

I think it's a case then of dogs to kennels or sitter, new locks on the doors, 'we've updated our insurance for when we leave the house shut up' and dd won't need a key as you'll be with her. Either you're going to have to say you no longer let ANYONE use the house when you're not there or you're going to have to play these walking on eggshell games while hoping this relationship falls through sooner rather than later.