Our guests are hinting they wont leave .. continued thread …

[Duvetdaysaregood]

Did anyone read my previous thread were dd bf invited his parents to stay over Christmas and it was awful? Seemed to be dominating our household etc. bit of a user . We got some very good advice.

We have now been thrown a bit of a new situation and would appreciate advice please.

Our dd has kindly booked us a weekend away , her and us . We were over the moon until we heard the words and bf can come and look after the pets . ( we normally take with us , but cannot to this venue ) .

In the previous thread I identified that the bf said to us he considered our home one of his bases.
There is a backstory in the thread but don't know how to link !

We really dont want him to be in our home by himself (and also possibly invite parents again. )
In the face of our daughters genuine kindness we are instead of feeling pleased , stressed.
We don't want to lose her by insulting her bf , but anyone who has read the previous thread will know why this is really not on .

What in earth can we say to our dd?
We also would like advice on what do to in future a
s we feel that anytime we go away our home may be seen as an opportunity to be moved into as he may see it as a chance for a free holiday ( again if you read the backstory , you will know why)

( we cannot really say oh so and so is moving in for a week to deter ? As this gives the idea its fine for people to move into our home. Of course if it was our dd or other family members it would go without question they are welcome to use our home , we would be glad to let them use it .)
Simply do not know how to deal
with this and as said we don't want to lose dd over the fact that we do not want her bf using our house when we are away — she knows we are naturally inclusive people and will sus that this is not how we are and be surprised if we say no . . she will ask why.. especially has done something so kind for us .

I read your Xmas thread, don't think I commented on it, but I thought then as I do now, that you need to be a bit more honest. Not painfully so, but more honest than you both are.

'Thank you but no darling, we found it all a bit much at Xmas so we're not hosting BF or his family for a while, even if we're not here haha! We'll sort pet care. It sounds lovely btw'

<stop talking>

Can you afford to have an alarm fitted OP? A monitored system that will alert you to any 'visitor' to your house.
Don't tell your daughter the code.

Just say you couldn't expect him to do that and you've already lined up the pet sitter. Thankyou very much.

Why do you offer the house to people free of charge all the time?

Why do you feel you have to do that?

You sound so frightened of your daughter!

I'm another one who thinks you've been set up here.

See what happens when you suggest he joins you on your weekend away.

This is good.

Just don't make it complicated or overthink it .
Thankyou to Fred for the offer of looking after the dogs but it won't be necessary as we have arranged a pet boarder .
Saves getting into convoluted stories being later exposed a a lie .
FWIW I would not have someone staying in my home unattended either .

This ^^
We’re perfectly happy to have either of our DCs stay here when we’re away but I certainly wouldn’t let a boyfriend on his own (let alone plus his parents) stay if we’re away!
You need to tell DD that that’s your decision and you are not budging. Tough if she doesn’t like it - and ask for your key back to give to the dog sitter/cleaner/plumber/whoever.

why does bf need a break. Again. So soon after the last too long one?

I'd think maybe he needs space from his parents but doesn't sound like it if he's potntially likely to invite them too.

I'd just tell her straight - too soon after the last time (did you talk to her - politely - about them outstaying their welcome?)

This. Great response. OP I think you should go with this.

Well worded @TrentCrimm

Why can’t you just be honest with your daughter? She’s an adult and she needs to understand that this is not her BF’s home, it’s yours. And then put the animals in kennels. You’re overthinking this.

And this - what does "one of his bases" mean?

If he has stolen (from you?) before does this mean that he is an habitual opportunistic thief? Or worse? Could your home end up full of stolen laptops/ drugs/ whatever?

Horrible as it sounds, could this "gift" of a holiday be purely so that he can have somewhere private to conduct any nefarious doings he is planning? Definitely add/change locks - and get one of those ring doorbell things, too. A house-sitter would be good to look after the dogs if you can run to that.

Sorry to say I don't think your DD is quite as dipsy as you make her sound.

IMO she knows EXACTLY what she is doing!

You are being controlled and she is, to a degree, by him too.

If he is so hard up I doubt very much you would alienate your DD by being honest as his lordship would encourage her to make up with you so he doesn't miss out.

Grow a backbone, OP! She sounds like a spoilt, entitled only DC. YOU are the parent! Put your foot down and tell her straight.

If he is likely to marry your daughter, you have much more reason to set firm boundaries now. You don't have to go into detail, but say something about after what happened last time, you don't feel comfortable with him being there.

There may well be fallout from you telling her this, but that needs to happen. Or were you planning on spending your later years avoiding leaving him alone with your valuables and fibbing about why?

Change the lock
don’t tell DD that you have done that
if she asks say it was sticking and you couldn’t get in one day
Tell her new key is a security type key and can’t be copied at normal locksmith and that they are really expensive to copy 😂😂 and that you only have 2 keys

You really are going to have to be honest here because otherwise you are going to have these situations coming up all the time.
DD should not be inviting bf and his parents over Christmas without asking you and should accept it when you say no. She should not be arranging for you to go on a surprise holiday and then arranging for bf to stay in your house to look after the dogs without asking.
I really do think you need to sit down with her and tell her it's not on. You love her and you get on with her bf but it is your home and therefore you decide who stays there.
All this round the houses stuff and trying to make up excuses is just not helping at all. She needs to be told firmly that you do not want the bf staying in your home on his own, let alone inviting family members. If she goes off in a huff there is nothing you can do about it, it's manipulative behaviour.

"Sorry darling, we've realised as we get older that we love our privacy. There's so much anxiety now to having visitors, worrying about misunderstandings over things we've mislaid, when people are going home and so on. We've decided to manage things a bit differently."

Surely your daughter was embarrassed by her PIL over staying in your house at Xmas? She must know that the situation was awful for you and Dh?

He STOLE from you FFS and your dd defended the swanky twat.

For goodness sake OP. She is an adult. Have an actual conversation.

You were told over and over in your last thread t have an actual full conversation about all of this rather than, "Oh, I had a little word about that and I hinted about this."

Your daughter isnt lisnteing to your little words or hints. She is self absorbed and doesnt actually seem to engage her brain about things like this.

She is an adult. Just speak to her.

Put the dogs into Kennels.

Get additional locks on the doors.

Tell your DD that’s what’s happening.

Then going forward start to take back control of your home from and your life from your Dd and her BF.

And I do see why you’re worried about losing her to him - he’s an abuser and is already abusing all three of you. But, you really do have to take a stand here and take back some control.

Make you’re explanation to DD short and sweet - this is what’s happening the weekend we go away.

You 100% need to change the locks so your dd and more importantly her bf can’t get in. Tell them a good friend who also needs a break is going to stay so he doesn’t need to. And get registered on house sitters website and get someone. I’ve just registered as a sitter and have to provide references etc so it’s all very professional.

if she pushes it explain you’d rather have your friend rather than someone you don’t know very well. Ask how she would like having a friend of yours who she doesn’t know stay at her house. She doesn’t seem to realise it’s not her home and she doesn’t get to invite people.

are you sure he stole?

Exactly this.
You are avoiding confrontation with your daughter and if you don't address this, it will eventually burst out in a potentially much more damaging way.

I suspect your DD knows that the whole Christmas scenario with his parents was too much for you and that is why she has come up with the weekend break as a means of making it right because she also cannot address the elephant in the room. Her BF is also offering to help for the same reasons.

What is so wrong with gently saying to her that you didn't like BF saying "to us he considered our home one of his bases," What did you say in reply when he did that? Smile in embarrassment because he considered it high praise. Probably made him feel it was absolutely OK with you, because DD has told him how generous you are. He may just be telling you how comfortable he feels with you. He feels at home.
So say to your DD that yes he is welcome, with her, but he's not welcome to invite his parents who then outstay their welcome and you don't want him to be in your home when you are not there. I really don't think there is anything wrong with saying it. Giving it a chance to sink in.

Why brush it all under the carpet?
I think that will actually alienate your DD in the long run. Far better for her to feel she can discuss it openly without either side burning bridges, which seems to be the fear behind this.
Behonest with her and if it upsets her, deal with it by talking it through with her. People on here are always telling folk to set boundaries. You have to set boundaries with the BF and his family, clear ones. Theydon'tt really know you and are taking the nice things DD says about you at face value, feeling that you won't mind about a, b and c. This could be innocent or done out of ignorance or simply coming from different ways of doing things. Or it could be complete CF ery. Either way you don't like it and you'd be doing your DD a favour to her her recognise that not every idea from BF is well thought out but she can approach you and ask.

I think you need to have a read up
on assertiveness and boundaries. I’m wondering if the bf knows he is in control and can do what he likes. I think I would be having a chat politely with your daughter and asking who’s idea the trip was. Going into say you have a pet sitter arranged. Explain why. It’s your home not his.

What were you going to do with the pets if she hadn’t offered the boyfriend. Do that and change the locks if she is giving him a key. Or just add a lock that keeps them out.

I couldn't help but think of Adam Grant's Ted Talk - Givers, Takers, Matchers https://www.ted.com/talks/adamgranttareyouuagiverroraataker

His book on the same subject is great!