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Original poster

Our guests are hinting they wont leave .. continued thread …

802 replies

Duvetdaysaregood · 23/01/2023 09:31

Did anyone read my previous thread were dd bf invited his parents to stay over Christmas and it was awful? Seemed to be dominating our household etc. bit of a user . We got some very good advice.

We have now been thrown a bit of a new situation and would appreciate advice please.

Our dd has kindly booked us a weekend away , her and us . We were over the moon until we heard the words and bf can come and look after the pets . ( we normally take with us , but cannot to this venue ) .

In the previous thread I identified that the bf said to us he considered our home one of his bases.
There is a backstory in the thread but don't know how to link !

We really dont want him to be in our home by himself (and also possibly invite parents again. )
In the face of our daughters genuine kindness we are instead of feeling pleased , stressed.
We don't want to lose her by insulting her bf , but anyone who has read the previous thread will know why this is really not on .

What in earth can we say to our dd?
We also would like advice on what do to in future a
s we feel that anytime we go away our home may be seen as an opportunity to be moved into as he may see it as a chance for a free holiday ( again if you read the backstory , you will know why)

( we cannot really say oh so and so is moving in for a week to deter ? As this gives the idea its fine for people to move into our home. Of course if it was our dd or other family members it would go without question they are welcome to use our home , we would be glad to let them use it .)
Simply do not know how to deal
with this and as said we don't want to lose dd over the fact that we do not want her bf using our house when we are away — she knows we are naturally inclusive people and will sus that this is not how we are and be surprised if we say no . . she will ask why.. especially has done something so kind for us .

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
roarfeckingroarr · 23/01/2023 10:26

Sorry if you've answered this previously but do you have any other children who might be able to speak with your daughter? Or an aunt / uncle she is close to?

StressedSquirrel · 23/01/2023 10:27

I think the extra lock only to be used when you are away (think mortice lock with long key installed underneath your usual Yale lock) is a very good idea.

For your DD, you need to get her to see it your way. Think of friends of yours or maybe a relative who she doesn't like (or barely knows), and ask her how comfortable she would feel about that person staying in her home while she was away?

She really needs to understand the invasion of privacy/space aspect. Having her BF/his parents there is not the same as having your DD by herself, or close friends of yours, stay in your house.

I was still pretty self-absorbed at 24, and probably would have needed this spelling out for me.

EmmaEmerald · 23/01/2023 10:27

OP you really need to learn to say no.

tell her no, and tell her why.

it must be exhausting to do all this tiptoeing round.

Yabado · 23/01/2023 10:27

Oh and get a ring doorbell so you can see
what’s happening
set it so it notify you if anyone approaching not just ringing the bell
put a bolt on any other doors on the inside so they can’t gain access
and irs true about certain security keys they can’t be cut by a standard locksmith and can cost a lot more so that’s the way I would go

HolyZarquonsSingingSeals · 23/01/2023 10:28

Duvetdaysaregood · 23/01/2023 09:42

For those who know the previous thread.. by saying there is not need for him to stay may not do it , the answer is likely oh but he wants to have a break . It will be seen as an OPPORTUNITY to stay if you see what I mean . Possibility will invite parents .

If her boyfriend 'needs' a holiday, why doesn't your daughter take him away for the weekend, rather than you?

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 23/01/2023 10:29

I just read your other thread.

He sounds horrible and a disastrous long term partner for your daughter. Snooping in your bedroom? Stealing??

Change your locks and tell her why. Stop sugar coating her life. His behaviour is rude, anti-social, mooching, entitled and disrespectful. What an oaf.

Fladdermus · 23/01/2023 10:29

Why can't you just be honest with your DD? 'We love you DD and you are always welcome in our home but your boyfriend is a bit of dick and doesn't respect our boundaries so we don't want him here while we're away.'

NanaWelshcake · 23/01/2023 10:30

Duvetdaysaregood · 23/01/2023 10:15

Yes , although he cares for our dd I am sure that our financial security and home owner situation is something he is pleased about . His family really struggle financially and i think he feels comfortable with out situation as he has seen his parents in financial chaos historically .

Op, he’s both a cuckoo and a cock lodger. (Pls excuse the expression)

RobertsRadio · 23/01/2023 10:31

I read your previous thread and knew immediately when I saw the title that this would be about the awful boyfriend again. Firstly, change the locks and don't give DD a key to the new locks, she doesn't live at home, she has her own home several hours away so she absolutely does not need a key to your house.

Secondly, man up and say there is no need for BF to stay and if she pushes say you have organised dog care and you don't want anyone using your home when you are not there anymore, that you will not be offering your home out in future due to high heating bills and that although you appreciate the holiday with her, to please not offer your home to her BF or his parents in future as it is not hers to offer to others. You will need to acquire a backbone because this sounds like it is going to be a continual problem if DD stays with this BF.

HavfrueDenizKisi · 23/01/2023 10:31

Actually I do remember your Christmas thread but I didn't read it all. Had a quick look back and you have to set firm boundaries with your DD. To me, her bf sounds bloody awful. Your DD needs to raise her bar.

As for your house issues you need to be crystal clear to your daughter that her bf and family are free loaders and disrespectful and tight. Whether or not money is tight for them, you do not live off other people for so long and not offer something back. They are most likely rubbing their hands together and congratulating themselves for how much they got from you guys. Wake up.

Just tell your daughter that such cheeky fuckery is actually not ok. Having deep pockets but accepting someone else's hospitality so freely is a terrible character flaw and it ends here. You tell her you accept other guests who are helpful and reciprocal and these guests are not. They have taken the piss and abused your hospitality and if she gets upset at the conversation then tell her to go and have a good long think about their behaviour. I expect under harsh consideration she will come to the same conclusion but she's too embarrassed to admit this now.

Then explain that under no circumstances is her bf to use your house. Or consider it his space to use as he pleases. You do not want anyone in your house while you are away. If she says but you've had this and that person there before so why not her bf, restate it is your house to offer to whom you please and not hers. She wouldn't appreciate people moving into her house and behaving similarly.

You may need to model acceptable behaviour but sometimes as a parent you need to point out poor behaviour too.

FiloPasty · 23/01/2023 10:32

I honestly think you need to bite the bullet and say how you really feel. Do you really want her to marry a guy like this?
Does she have close female friends maybe you can invite her to come with them. You need to tell her the truth.

springerspanielpuppy · 23/01/2023 10:33

So on your other thread you say your DD is 24 lives with her boyfriend so why are you overthinking this so much and why do you seem to be afraid of upsetting her? There appears to some weird family dynamic going on in your home never mind his. She is taking the piss, at Christmas and now, she is grown up, have an adult conversation and she will have to deal with the consequences, none of my adult DC's would treat me like this. What will happen if you just say no?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 23/01/2023 10:34

Sorry OP, I have just spotted your post where you say he has stolen from you. So I take back my previous post.
You cannot let this go on.

As others have said change the locks, (leave the spare key with trusted friend for emergencies) get a ring doorbell and tell your DD why he absolutely cannot stay. I would almost let her take the holiday in your stead if she keeps arguing about him looking after the dogs. And tell her that you don't want to let your home out anymore to anyone. (Particularly as you've said you live in BFs parents fav holiday destination)

You will be doing DD a favour by opening her eyes to the fact that this easy going "behaviour" from him, is not as acceptable as he's made her think it is.
You say they may get married, you need to have this talk before they do.

It's hard because you think this might scare her off you, but if you don't want him to continue to think you are fine with him taking advantage of you, or everyone pretending its not taking advantage, and that you are just generous, then you have to speak up now.

Namechangeforthis6 · 23/01/2023 10:35

RobertsRadio · 23/01/2023 10:31

I read your previous thread and knew immediately when I saw the title that this would be about the awful boyfriend again. Firstly, change the locks and don't give DD a key to the new locks, she doesn't live at home, she has her own home several hours away so she absolutely does not need a key to your house.

Secondly, man up and say there is no need for BF to stay and if she pushes say you have organised dog care and you don't want anyone using your home when you are not there anymore, that you will not be offering your home out in future due to high heating bills and that although you appreciate the holiday with her, to please not offer your home to her BF or his parents in future as it is not hers to offer to others. You will need to acquire a backbone because this sounds like it is going to be a continual problem if DD stays with this BF.

I agree with this

She really needs to stop offering your house out to other people, I would never do that to my parents

Janbohonut · 23/01/2023 10:35

I sympathise as this partner sounds a lot like a relative's DH and it's very hard to manage them without getting your own relative off side.

But clearly he can't stay in your house while you're away. You need to make a firm excuse and be OK with it, perhaps push back with a second or third firm NO.

The alternative is that he comes to stay and your holiday is ruined as you wonder what he's up to while he's there.

If he's anything like my problematic relative, he's good at getting himself what he wants and making you feel intimidated/slightly nervous/as if you'll cause problems by saying no. It's stressful being around someone like this and I understand that you're worried for your daughter as he sounds like a nasty, lazy piece of work, but you have to stay firm with him as (speaking from experience) he won't improve and in fact will just get worse.

Hopefully she'll see sense and choose better before she has kids with him.

Pardon44 · 23/01/2023 10:35

Duvetdaysaregood · 23/01/2023 09:55

The bf is opportunistic as his way of being . He sees situations from
the perspective of what he can get from them . He has stolen . Our dd is in denial that this has happened. He stole but dd insisted it was a mistake .
We need a strategy for when we go away in future too .. as it will be seen as a free holiday maybe . i feel like we will have to hide the fact we will be going away in future and it is the opposite of having a relaxing break .
We wish we could tell dd how we but she would side with him or be hurt . It is such a shame as we will look the bad guys here .

You need to be honest and deal with this issue otherwise it will keep popping up. Unfortunately, in order to have boundaries sometimes you need to be the bad guy.

You -DD, it'd so kind of you to book as a weekend away. We love an appreciate you. It's kind of BF to offer to pet sit but it's not necessary. We will arrange kennels.

DD Say- why would you book kennels when BF I'd Happy to do it?

You- we don't feel comfortable with that. We would prefer the kennels but thanks for the kind offer.

If DD pushes I'd be honest that you don't trust him alone in your house. I'd also add additional locks.

DD has her choices and you have yours. You can't compromise yours through fear. If she gets upset the so be it. If she doesn't want contact for a time or is offended then so be it. Just leave the door open eventually she'll walk back through it.

Hollyhocksauce · 23/01/2023 10:35

Fladdermus · 23/01/2023 10:29

Why can't you just be honest with your DD? 'We love you DD and you are always welcome in our home but your boyfriend is a bit of dick and doesn't respect our boundaries so we don't want him here while we're away.'

Another vote for this approach.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 23/01/2023 10:37

Hollyhocksauce · 23/01/2023 10:35

Another vote for this approach.

Show quote history

And another

pelargoniums · 23/01/2023 10:37

FiloPasty · 23/01/2023 10:32

I honestly think you need to bite the bullet and say how you really feel. Do you really want her to marry a guy like this?
Does she have close female friends maybe you can invite her to come with them. You need to tell her the truth.

Yep. It’s proper intervention time. She may choose him – at least for now – but leave the door open for her: FIGURATIVELY! But really, be honest and lay your cards on the table that you do not like BF, BF is not kind, BF is a thief, and BF is not welcome. Be brutal. Tiptoeing is getting you nowhere.

picklemewalnuts · 23/01/2023 10:38

You mentioned how other people are welcome- DS and his mates- you need to spell out why they are welcome in front of DD and her DP.

"Oh yes, lovely bunch of lads. Always help out with chores, buy us fish and chips as a thank you for having them. Such considerate guests!"

"We love it when Aunty J comes. She always leaves us a bottle of wine, and the place is cleaner than we left it!"

Etc.

Also, when she mentions that her DP has something else on (his sport or whatever), invite her to stay with you then.

MrKlaw · 23/01/2023 10:39

its not a holiday. For future visits be clear its totally understandable they'd want to decompress and enjoy the location - but you're not a B&B, they're visiting your DD's parent's home and they'll be expected to help out with basics around the house etc.

Absolutely separate DD/BF with BF's parents. If DD is suggesting bf might come over, make it clear it is just him (it may be too soon to block that) and not his parents as it would be too much. She's welcome anytime and bring him along - but its not a remote wfh location or hotel.

Considering you said you often let people stay I think its not easy to stop this one - too obvious to have potential for kicking off an argument with DD. So perhaps better to use it to draw a line between the unit of DD/BF and his parents which are not your problem.

KettrickenSmiled · 23/01/2023 10:40

Simply do not know how to deal with this and as said we don't want to lose dd over the fact that we do not want her bf using our house when we are away — she knows we are naturally inclusive people and will sus that this is not how we are and be surprised if we say no . . she will ask why.. especially has done something so kind for us .

Stop imagining you need to purchase your DD's affection & approval by allowing her to ride roughshod over your boundaries.

Giving you the weekend away was a kind act. It does not mean that you now owe DD compliance about her b/f (& his folks?!!) invading your home while you are away.

Book the pets into kennels, & tell DD that you don't need a petsitter & don't want a housesitter. In fact - just be upfront & TELL HER that is is absolutely NOT ok to install her b/f & his family in your home. You'd do well to get a Ring doorbell too, as you talk about a larger backstory, which I assume is to do with b/f's cheeky fuckery?

In short, adult up, & tell DD to stop taking the piss.
Her b/f was only able to take advantage because she encouraged it, & you didn;t put your foot down hard enough. Start doing that.

MargaritaRita · 23/01/2023 10:42

Move house pronto.

What has your DH got to say. I'm assuming there is a partner as you mention "us" in the OP.

KettrickenSmiled · 23/01/2023 10:42

Duvetdaysaregood · 23/01/2023 09:42

For those who know the previous thread.. by saying there is not need for him to stay may not do it , the answer is likely oh but he wants to have a break . It will be seen as an OPPORTUNITY to stay if you see what I mean . Possibility will invite parents .

I just don't understand what your problem is.

It doesn't matter what DD says to you or how much her b/f wants a break in your home.

All that matters is you saying "we do not want anybody staying in our home while we are away."

Why are you allowing your child so much sway? Have you never learned how to say "no" to her?

TitsInAbsentia · 23/01/2023 10:42

If he's her serious partner I find it odd that he's not going on the weekend with you - is that just me?

Agree with previous posters that you are going to have to be really direct as otherwise he'll just push her to bend the reasons again.