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AIBU?

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Original poster

Our guests are hinting they wont leave .. continued thread …

802 replies

Duvetdaysaregood · 23/01/2023 09:31

Did anyone read my previous thread were dd bf invited his parents to stay over Christmas and it was awful? Seemed to be dominating our household etc. bit of a user . We got some very good advice.

We have now been thrown a bit of a new situation and would appreciate advice please.

Our dd has kindly booked us a weekend away , her and us . We were over the moon until we heard the words and bf can come and look after the pets . ( we normally take with us , but cannot to this venue ) .

In the previous thread I identified that the bf said to us he considered our home one of his bases.
There is a backstory in the thread but don't know how to link !

We really dont want him to be in our home by himself (and also possibly invite parents again. )
In the face of our daughters genuine kindness we are instead of feeling pleased , stressed.
We don't want to lose her by insulting her bf , but anyone who has read the previous thread will know why this is really not on .

What in earth can we say to our dd?
We also would like advice on what do to in future a
s we feel that anytime we go away our home may be seen as an opportunity to be moved into as he may see it as a chance for a free holiday ( again if you read the backstory , you will know why)

( we cannot really say oh so and so is moving in for a week to deter ? As this gives the idea its fine for people to move into our home. Of course if it was our dd or other family members it would go without question they are welcome to use our home , we would be glad to let them use it .)
Simply do not know how to deal
with this and as said we don't want to lose dd over the fact that we do not want her bf using our house when we are away — she knows we are naturally inclusive people and will sus that this is not how we are and be surprised if we say no . . she will ask why.. especially has done something so kind for us .

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
AnyRandomName · 23/01/2023 09:49

I think long term you need to tackle this, but short term let's think of an excuse.

  • you're turning the water off at the mains whilst you're away as a plumber is coming to fix X
  • you are having the carpets deep cleaned with strong chemicals and they've suggested the house is empty
  • deep cleaners are coming in over the whole of Saturday and have asked for the house to be empty
  • the kitchen floor is being re-sealed and requires 48hrs to set

I would also change the locks. Drastic, but if you don't feel confident that he won't turn up, I'd do it pretending you lost some keys. Sadly you haven't had time to get another set cut.

Ihatethenewlook · 23/01/2023 09:49

Are you serious? Your DD’s boyfriend will move his family into your house if you go away for a few days?? On what planet would anyone think this is normal? Why can’t you tell her I don’t want your boyfriends parents moving in while we’re gone? They sound batshit for thinking this is ok. You sound even more batshit for not telling them it’s not!

Craftybodger · 23/01/2023 09:49

Absolutely not. Change the locks, or add an additional one, to prevent him having access. Book the pets into paid care. You need to be clear with DD that whilst she is always family and always welcome her BF is only welcome as a guest when you are home.

MrsSkylerWhite · 23/01/2023 09:49

Our insurance is affected too, if other people have a key to our house.

Is yours?

AnyMucca · 23/01/2023 09:49

Why didn't you link the last thread instead of writing reams and then telling people to refer to it? Regarding this post, I don't think your daughter is as kind or as innocent as you think.

CantMakeHeadNorTail · 23/01/2023 09:51

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

IPreferTheStrawberryOne · 23/01/2023 09:52

I haven't read the other thread (a link would be helpful). But was there something in that thread which would explain why you can't just tell her 'no, your boyfriend isn't staying in our house'?

WinterFoxes · 23/01/2023 09:52

Just say, 'No need. Neighbours are sorting it.'

TheHauntedPencilCase · 23/01/2023 09:53

I agree with others I would check your home instance and be really clear with DD about no unaccompanied visitors. I know you don't want to alienate her but it's a conversation that you need to have.

LookItsMeAgain · 23/01/2023 09:54

Parentandteacher · 23/01/2023 09:46

I’d also suggest adding a lock. It can just be used when you go away. Again if they try to gain access and have the audacity to moan, just say insurance advised some extra measures when you go away- why was bf trying to come?!

That's not a bad idea. Get an additional lock added to your front and back doors that you can use when you're going away. They're only used while the house is unoccupied and you don't need to give DD a key to them as she's moved out.
She won't ever need it.

If she asks why you got another lock on the door, say that you were being pro-active and got in touch with the insurance company who checked and said that the type of front door/number of locks on it wasn't really up to muster with their requirements (usually they want a 5 lever mortice lock) so you've bumped up your security.

I also agree with @ChiaraMontague that you are putting off the inevitable and you will have to have a conversation at some point about how her boyfriend makes you feel in your own home, considering he is supposed to be the guest.

stairgates · 23/01/2023 09:54

You will have to say that you will be putting the dogs in kennels and don't want anybody in the house as you feel people are using it like a hotel and it is giving you anxiety. Be blunt, good luck.

OldFashionedWomen · 23/01/2023 09:55

Can you link to the previous thread please?

@Duvetdaysaregood

Whataretheodds · 23/01/2023 09:55

Duvetdaysaregood · 23/01/2023 09:46

Anyrandom name .. great suggestion .. woukd do that But.. my fear is that dd will say yes but look bf wants to stay and have a break . She knows other people have done it in our home . Can he stay? Why not. Xyz do ?

But you don't have to explain your choices to her.

It's your home. You get to choose who stays there and when. She is welcome but she doesn't get to choose.

Original poster
Duvetdaysaregood · 23/01/2023 09:55

The bf is opportunistic as his way of being . He sees situations from
the perspective of what he can get from them . He has stolen . Our dd is in denial that this has happened. He stole but dd insisted it was a mistake .
We need a strategy for when we go away in future too .. as it will be seen as a free holiday maybe . i feel like we will have to hide the fact we will be going away in future and it is the opposite of having a relaxing break .
We wish we could tell dd how we but she would side with him or be hurt . It is such a shame as we will look the bad guys here .

OP posts:
MaggieFS · 23/01/2023 09:55

I think this is the right link

Our guests are hinting that they are going to stay longer than wanted ! How to find the words? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/christmas/4706608-our-guests-are-hinting-that-they-are-going-to-stay-longer-than-wanted-how-to-find-the-words

OP, you were planning to get time away with DD T to talk to her. Could DH drop out which means BF isn't needed and you get that chance?

Ilovetocrochet · 23/01/2023 09:56

What do you normally do with your pets when you go on holiday? Could you just tell your daughter that you have already set these plans up?

TooBigForMyBoots · 23/01/2023 09:56

ChiaraMontague · 23/01/2023 09:46

I think you need to have an honest conversation with DD about her BF using your home as "one of his bases" and your concerns about his family staying over again. This will keep coming up again and again if you don't discuss it with her and it will only get harder.

This.^ Stop fannying about and tell your DD that her boyfriend and his family can't stay at your house.

user982548025 · 23/01/2023 09:56

"Thank you darling that's really kind of you but we have already made other plans for the animals because we've got to the point where we don't feel comfortable with anyone else at all in the house when we are not there. Maybe we're becoming less chilled as we get older! Really looking forward to spending some time with you. Please thank Dave for his kind offer but its a "no" this time xx."

and if she pushes it

"Its your father's sex dungeon darling. He's very possessive about it. LOL. No thank you darling. Nobody is allowed to stay in the house when we are not there xx."

HavfrueDenizKisi · 23/01/2023 09:57

LookItsMeAgain · 23/01/2023 09:46

I remember your previous thread too OP and I would have to say to DD "Oh that's very kind of him to offer but as you're paying for the trip, we can pay to put the dogs in kennels so no one will need to be here when we're not."

Be firm but kind.

Leave absolutely no wiggle room for her to see a way that her boyfriend would stay in your home when you're not there. None.

If she persists, tell her straight out that you don't want anyone staying in the house when there is no one there, it's not just him, it's any one at all. The house is to be left vacant. Then, if you haven't already, get yourself a video doorbell so that you can see who approaches the house when you're not there (on the off-chance that they try to pull a fast one!)

This.

I haven't read your previous thread OP but you need to be firm.

If she asks outright for her bf to use your house say absolutely not. We're not comfortable with him using our house if we are not there. End of. Put your foot down. Also change your locks.

Original poster
Duvetdaysaregood · 23/01/2023 09:57

My apologies I do not know how to link to previous thread.

OP posts:
TheHauntedPencilCase · 23/01/2023 09:57

Duvetdaysaregood · 23/01/2023 09:55

The bf is opportunistic as his way of being . He sees situations from
the perspective of what he can get from them . He has stolen . Our dd is in denial that this has happened. He stole but dd insisted it was a mistake .
We need a strategy for when we go away in future too .. as it will be seen as a free holiday maybe . i feel like we will have to hide the fact we will be going away in future and it is the opposite of having a relaxing break .
We wish we could tell dd how we but she would side with him or be hurt . It is such a shame as we will look the bad guys here .

Personally I think it is kinder to be clear with her about this but if you really can't the simple answer is you had to check with the insurance about something after the last time you did a house swap and you weren't covered so have had to stop doing that.

Paq · 23/01/2023 09:58

I would (a) contact the boyfriend's parents directly and let them know they do not have permission to stay and (b) tell your DD that her boyfriend is only welcome when you are in situ.

Honestly, don't sugarcoat it. You'll only cause problems down the line.

Ditzyduck · 23/01/2023 09:58

Do you think there’s a hidden agenda to this trip ? Does the boyfriend need somewhere to stay ? And they want you out of the way so they can use your house.

I would not be happy with this situation could perhaps you and your dd go on your own and say your dh has to work so he’s staying at home ?

Cormick · 23/01/2023 09:58

Just tell her you don't want anyone staying their whilst you're not there. Add additional locks if that's what it takes. You don't need to be kind. Just say no.

Cormick · 23/01/2023 09:58

*there