Our guests are hinting they wont leave .. continued thread …

[Duvetdaysaregood]

Did anyone read my previous thread were dd bf invited his parents to stay over Christmas and it was awful? Seemed to be dominating our household etc. bit of a user . We got some very good advice.

We have now been thrown a bit of a new situation and would appreciate advice please.

Our dd has kindly booked us a weekend away , her and us . We were over the moon until we heard the words and bf can come and look after the pets . ( we normally take with us , but cannot to this venue ) .

In the previous thread I identified that the bf said to us he considered our home one of his bases.
There is a backstory in the thread but don't know how to link !

We really dont want him to be in our home by himself (and also possibly invite parents again. )
In the face of our daughters genuine kindness we are instead of feeling pleased , stressed.
We don't want to lose her by insulting her bf , but anyone who has read the previous thread will know why this is really not on .

What in earth can we say to our dd?
We also would like advice on what do to in future a
s we feel that anytime we go away our home may be seen as an opportunity to be moved into as he may see it as a chance for a free holiday ( again if you read the backstory , you will know why)

( we cannot really say oh so and so is moving in for a week to deter ? As this gives the idea its fine for people to move into our home. Of course if it was our dd or other family members it would go without question they are welcome to use our home , we would be glad to let them use it .)
Simply do not know how to deal
with this and as said we don't want to lose dd over the fact that we do not want her bf using our house when we are away — she knows we are naturally inclusive people and will sus that this is not how we are and be surprised if we say no . . she will ask why.. especially has done something so kind for us .

Absolutely, I wouldn't let the bugger within a million miles, but I would also be very keen NOT to say or imply 'because we don't like or trust the weaselly little fuck'!

Of course children can be unthinkingly entitled and a bit presumptuous at times, but what occurred here was not that.

I certainly on occasion have had to remind mine of what consideration of others looks like🤨.

This is far beyond that, and to not have a firm explicit conversation about it implies implicit approval.

Who is going to teach the OP's daughter about self respect and respect for others, standards of behaviour, and how to conduct yourself if her own parents are afraid to?.

She clearly does not know with the gentle parenting that goes on, that your family home is not a free, catered doss house at Christmas, for your boyfriend and his parents.

The level of complete detachment from any version of reality you would have to have, to think your parents would be happy with this, and much less allow it, is extraordinary.

I honestly cannot get my head around it.

The boyfriend is boorish and has boorish parents, also lacking the social niceties of courtesy and respect for others,..............but by the daughters continued treatment of her parents, I can see why they were drawn to each other, she's oblivious to them too.

The OPs continued determination to try to avoid the difficult part of parenting means her daughter will continue to be ignorant of what many would call basic consideration of others.

I have no doubt the OP and her husband are nice but very passive people, but unfortunately they have raised a child who has found her kin in a boorish family, whom I really wouldn't want near my elder care arrangements or POA.

Or ops DD has naively given out the wrong message to her bf and parents because they are not of the same ilk they have mis read the situation.

Imagine ops DD...oh yes my parents are so generous and they have this wonderful house.rhey always invite people up.

This man could end up being the father of ops grandchildren.

Op needs to tread carefully here or it will be one set of grandparents who enjoy ops grandchildren and it won't be the home owners

Billy...if ops daughter doesn't have those values instilled by now it'sa little late don't you think??

I'm sure op and her DH are lovely but we simply don't know....why has her DD gone for completely different people.

Why shouldn't the ops DD feel like this is her " family" home!!

I've got so many aunt's and uncles and they have welcomed all sorts through their doors over the years!!

Would you aunt & uncle keep welcoming 'guests' who they saw shoplifting, who insulted the uncle, who wandered into their bedrooms, who turned up empty-handed, expected to be waited on for a week, & loudly speculated about extended their uninvited stay further?

I hope they were a little more selective than that,

@Emotionalsupportviper

So called, afair, because when he was just a boyfriend, they all went out to dinner (his first meeting with the family?) and as he wasn't paying he ordered the most expensive items on the menu - including Lobster

Thank you - I searched and found a later thread where he was mentioned, but not the original which gave him his soubriquet

@2023bebetter people are not just one trait, she can be a nice daughter and young woman but also selfish as she was in her treatment of her parents at Christmas.

If she is impressionable with low self esteem she is very vulnerable to being manipulative and take on the behaviours, characteristics and views of an odious boyfriend.

It happens.

Difficult conversations can happen at any time between parent and child, but if telling your adult child that you won't have your home and yourself used as a free holiday destination causes the relationship to fall apart, it certainly cannot have been a strong one to begin with.

I know personally of several older friends who had to firmly disabuse their children that they wouldn't be thrilled to provide full-time childcare as soon as it was mentioned.
They were met with disbelief, surprise and petulance in one case, but ultimately just accepted it and moved on from it.

Far better to come out with it briskly and firmly, rather than to dither, start doing it, hate it and then have the huge drama of having to say it was just too much................all because she wanted to avoid a hard conversation with her presumptuous son who lived nearby and thought childcare prices in their area were ridiculous and decided , "sure mum will do it, she'd love to"🙄.

Another older friend had to tell her daughter that No she was not prepared to release equity from their asset rich home so that she could buy a larger flat in an more central location.

These conversations are a part of some family relationships and people move on from them.

Yes but one could also argue that for the parent's....they are not versed in what to do at a guest house their son's girl friend and were perhaps led to Believe it was a more relaxed set up than they realised...

The son is also trying to ingratiate himself and perhaps in his world his talk of being big and strong would pass muster?

I think the original was pulled, by the OP

Billy but plenty of parents would also say yes.

I know some have down sized and sold their property at a hugely reduced rate for their children?

It's not uncommon to make sacrifices for your DC .

The other thing is because op has already established how open and happy to host they are ... it will be very clear that op is happy to host others except the parents of fhe man she loves?

Which will hurt his feelings if not handled right!

Sure, but there are sacrifices and there are sacrifices...........not selling up your home that you love, so your 25 year old can have a much bigger first flat is not something that comes under reasonable sacrifices.

I thought and still think it is outrageously presumptuous to ask your parents to move from their lovely home just as they have retired so that you can buy a flat rather than rent, or buy a flat that you can't afford.

Her parents were having none of it and neither would I.

Good lord, they had barely finished putting her through Uni.

Billy the crux there is that she felt comfortable enough to ask. Brilliant. They felt comfortable enough to say no. Brilliant.

Everyone moves on.

That's the important issue here ..the dialogue!

Oh there was dialogue alright........not much of it would have been easy for her to hear though when her mother was telling her friends 😁🤨

Apologies if it’s already been mentioned but has anyone read ‘Here to Stay’ by Mark Edwards?
Chilling story of in-law menace

I have and absolutely loved it!! So creepy

Yes, new bolt on front door, no key to back door given to DD, and also install a ring doorbell front and a ring stick up cam at the back, easy and relatively inexpensive, no hard wiring needed. Buy one extra battery so you've always got a charged one ready when needed.

Then use weekend away with DD to have a gentle chat with DD about LobsterBoy-wanna-be, and be firm. You dont want to alienate her but you do need to get your point across.

Just added it to my list! I think I may have read it, this thread reminded me of a book from years ago. Hoping it’s this one!

So worth reading again. Yes, this thread reminded me so much of the book..
I’m now a bit funny if DC partner comes to stay 😮

I’m trying to get DH to read it..

I'd worry that bf wouldn't look after the dogs properly. Feeding, walking, playing, keeping the house clean etc. You're either going to have to talk to your dd or cancel the holiday. You've no choice I'm afraid. Good luck.

Hi @Duvetdaysaregood

I hope everything is going well. What happened with the weekend away in the end?

I thought of you just now when I saw this photo - an ideal Valentine’s delivery for your DD!

We definitely need an update

Bump for updates @Duvetdaysaregood