Our guests are hinting they wont leave .. continued thread …

[Duvetdaysaregood]

Did anyone read my previous thread were dd bf invited his parents to stay over Christmas and it was awful? Seemed to be dominating our household etc. bit of a user . We got some very good advice.

We have now been thrown a bit of a new situation and would appreciate advice please.

Our dd has kindly booked us a weekend away , her and us . We were over the moon until we heard the words and bf can come and look after the pets . ( we normally take with us , but cannot to this venue ) .

In the previous thread I identified that the bf said to us he considered our home one of his bases.
There is a backstory in the thread but don't know how to link !

We really dont want him to be in our home by himself (and also possibly invite parents again. )
In the face of our daughters genuine kindness we are instead of feeling pleased , stressed.
We don't want to lose her by insulting her bf , but anyone who has read the previous thread will know why this is really not on .

What in earth can we say to our dd?
We also would like advice on what do to in future a
s we feel that anytime we go away our home may be seen as an opportunity to be moved into as he may see it as a chance for a free holiday ( again if you read the backstory , you will know why)

( we cannot really say oh so and so is moving in for a week to deter ? As this gives the idea its fine for people to move into our home. Of course if it was our dd or other family members it would go without question they are welcome to use our home , we would be glad to let them use it .)
Simply do not know how to deal
with this and as said we don't want to lose dd over the fact that we do not want her bf using our house when we are away — she knows we are naturally inclusive people and will sus that this is not how we are and be surprised if we say no . . she will ask why.. especially has done something so kind for us .

I mean if we say no to his offer dd will know that we dont want him to do it / and it is personal to him .. as we have done house swaps before and often invite relatives to stay when we are away(live in a area people pay a lot to holiday in )

Can you ask a neighbour to feed the pets and tell DD there's no need for BF to stay?

Sorry I name changed for this topic .

We cant as there are several dogs . They cant be looked after overnight by neighbour you see.

Can the dogs go to kennels?

Could you arrange a quick 'house swap' that falls through after youve left with all of the keys in your pocket?

Get a professional pet sitter, say its because you're worried the dogs will be too much to manage or it won't be fair to leave it to her bf.

I'd be sending dogs to dog sitter whether you are or not

For those who know the previous thread.. by saying there is not need for him to stay may not do it , the answer is likely oh but he wants to have a break . It will be seen as an OPPORTUNITY to stay if you see what I mean . Possibility will invite parents .

I remember your previous thread OP.
Think you’re going to have to quickly come up with a local solution to looking after the animals (what would you have done before your daughter suggested the boyfriend help out?).
Then I would suggest you tell daughter “How kind of him, but not necessary - we have a plan.”
Friendly but firm. And stick to it.

Just make other arrangements and let them know.

'Don't worry, that's a kind offer but we've arranged X instead which works well for us'

'Thank you for the suggestion but we've made other plans for the dogs'.

Just don't engage, you make other plans, and shut it down politely.

Does he have a key?

i did think of hiuse swap but dd has our house key .

Do you have another relative that would be happy to stay instead? Can you call them and get it sorted ASAP? Then say to your DD that you were so excited when you heard about the trip that you got straight on to Auntie Sarah (or whoever) to house and dog sit and it’s all sorted so need need for her BF to put himself out.

how much do you want to go on this weekend away? you might be worrying the whole time and not enjoy it.

can you find a reason to cancel the weekend altogether and just stay at home?

Could you use insurance as an excuse? Ie oh that’s so kind but actually our insurance only covers us for registered house sitters, so we have one booked.

Then if pressed, hold the line with “sorry that’s just not possible. We’re so looking forward to seeing you etc etc”

If someone could find the previous thread it would be helpful, I can't remember it, I remember when your daughter had invited them.

Put the pets in kennels. You don't want people in your home when you're not there. It's perfectly normal for people not to want people staying in their house alone.

I do think you're going to need to talk to your daughter about how she may feel that your house is her home but that doesn't make it hers to offer out.

Anyrandom name .. great suggestion .. woukd do that But.. my fear is that dd will say yes but look bf wants to stay and have a break . She knows other people have done it in our home . Can he stay? Why not. Xyz do ?

In light of your update I'd book them into the sitter and not tell her. Then the day before say your hot waters broken or something therefore not possible for bf to stay. Then tell her you've managed to get the pets booked in somewhere last minute.

I remember your previous thread too OP and I would have to say to DD "Oh that's very kind of him to offer but as you're paying for the trip, we can pay to put the dogs in kennels so no one will need to be here when we're not."

Be firm but kind.

Leave absolutely no wiggle room for her to see a way that her boyfriend would stay in your home when you're not there. None.

If she persists, tell her straight out that you don't want anyone staying in the house when there is no one there, it's not just him, it's any one at all. The house is to be left vacant. Then, if you haven't already, get yourself a video doorbell so that you can see who approaches the house when you're not there (on the off-chance that they try to pull a fast one!)

I’d also suggest adding a lock. It can just be used when you go away. Again if they try to gain access and have the audacity to moan, just say insurance advised some extra measures when you go away- why was bf trying to come?!

I think you need to have an honest conversation with DD about her BF using your home as "one of his bases" and your concerns about his family staying over again. This will keep coming up again and again if you don't discuss it with her and it will only get harder.

Put the animals in kennels and change the lock ( or get a bolt to the front door and leave by the back door )

Do you want her to? Can you change the locks, say your key broke. Then just don't give her a new key. If she asks say "you don't live her anymore, why would you want a key?" I really do think you're going to have to explain to her that it's not her house.

You need to put your foot down now or it'll keep on happening.

Book kennels or a professional pet sitter, advise daughter accordingly. Problem solved, no need for angst.