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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop seeing him over this?

160 replies

9thFloorNightmare · 22/01/2023 17:57

In was going out with a man, he was a good person and seemed well adjusted, going through some career changes so he was upfront about his financial situation - struggling because he is not very ambition at all but still wanted to have a nice life, in nice area, with nice hobbies, etc

We always split 50/50 when out on our very simple dates.

He invited me to have lunch at his and asked if I liked couscous / feta cheese and other things and yes I liked everything.

Got there and the food was nice and tasty but I thought if was me cooking it I would have used more feta cheese and / or cut bigger pieces because the pieces he used were tiny and it would be much tastier if there was more of it. He said that was his 1st time cooking that dish and he loved feta cheese so I just thought he ate a lot of cheese before I arrived. All good.

He then started to get a second portion for himself and literally fished out all of the tiny pieces of feta cheese that were left! Spent some time trying to find them all since they were very small and mixed with the other ingredients. He didn't ask if I was going to have a second helping myself though but if I was then there would be no more feat cheese for me.

He invited me for lunch again a couple of days later but I said we were a mismatch and wished him good luck. Was IBU?

To not drip feed - the date before the couscous lunch, we went on a long walk in the woods and before we started he stopped by a corner shop to buy water. The corner shop was packed with people so I waited outside. He came out with a 1 small bottle only - I found it slightly weird because if it was me I would sure have asked whoever was in my company if they wanted water too or just buy a bottle for them. BUT...during the walk, I took my Rebel organic pink coconut water bought in whole foods for around £6. He had never seen that so I offered him a little sip to taste (it is delicious) and he ended up having half to it! and till didn't offer me a sip of his water though.

OP posts:
ARoughRide · 22/01/2023 18:05

I’m not understanding why you didn’t help yourself to a second portion too or say to leave some feta for you as you’d love some more as he was fishing around for it.

Presumably he though that if you also wanted a drink you would have gone in the shop with him to choose one but, as you had you coconut water with you that you drank on your walk, he probably didn’t think you’d need another. You could have said you’d like a drink or asked him to pick one up whist he was in there.

YANBU to not see him again at all but it seems odd to think so badly of him when a little bit of communication would solve all the issues.

determinedtomakethiswork · 22/01/2023 18:07

This made me laugh. He sounds like he wants a champagne lifestyle on a lemonade budget. He also sounds as though he will always put himself first.

KarmaStar · 22/01/2023 18:08

Yanbu to walk away as you don't appear compatible.

NameNotRelevant · 22/01/2023 18:10

Why do you expect him to buy you water when you already had some?

PollyAmour · 22/01/2023 18:10

Did you indicate you would have liked a second helping? Why didn't you tell him to leave some cheese for you?

The water on the walk thing is ridiculous, you already had a drink. You sound a bit of a snob and I think this man has dodged a bullet. Tell him exactly why you think you are mismatched though, so he's not wondering what on earth he did wrong.

extrasushiplease · 22/01/2023 18:15

No, little tells like this are really helpful to pick up on early on. It sounds like he's very used to only thinking about himself, and not being aware of how weird it is picking bits of something out of food for a while with a date shows that he's probably socially awkward and/or spends a lot of time by himself on top. Not a crime and doesn't make him a bad bloke, but if there's no chemistry with all of that going on, you're just looking at a lot of awkward disappointment that will probably fizzle out pretty quickly. You were kind and polite declining, and that's all you can do. Best of luck with future dates!

Original poster
9thFloorNightmare · 22/01/2023 18:21

ARoughRide · 22/01/2023 18:05

I’m not understanding why you didn’t help yourself to a second portion too or say to leave some feta for you as you’d love some more as he was fishing around for it.

Presumably he though that if you also wanted a drink you would have gone in the shop with him to choose one but, as you had you coconut water with you that you drank on your walk, he probably didn’t think you’d need another. You could have said you’d like a drink or asked him to pick one up whist he was in there.

YANBU to not see him again at all but it seems odd to think so badly of him when a little bit of communication would solve all the issues.

When he was helping himself to his second portion I was still eating my first portion and didn’t know yet if I would want more

I got my coconut drink out of my bag over half way through the walk - when he bought his water he didn’t know I had my water - and if I didn’t have my water I would have gone inside the shop and bought it myself

OP posts:
ButterBastardBeans · 22/01/2023 18:22

I'm with you OP. If you hang around there will be more and more of this sort of thing.

Ketanne · 22/01/2023 18:23

Not your Rebel organic pink coconut water! 😱

WatchingGreysAgain · 22/01/2023 18:24

YANBU to end it, because he’s had a lucky escape 😂

billy1966 · 22/01/2023 18:24

Yanbu and indeed best to move on.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/01/2023 18:26

Careful is fine. Mean isn't. He sounds mean.

Ludo19 · 22/01/2023 18:26

Yeah he sounds a bit selfish and thoughtless. Move on OP..

Original poster
9thFloorNightmare · 22/01/2023 18:26

NameNotRelevant · 22/01/2023 18:10

Why do you expect him to buy you water when you already had some?

I didn’t expect him to do anything and just noted in my head how our approaches are different

As a woman I would ask my date if they’d like some water if I’m about to buy some for myself just before a long walk. And I believe if I was a man I would do the same and be a bit chilvarous….especially at the beggining.

OP posts:
MarmaladeCrumpets · 22/01/2023 18:27

Definitely fine to leave because of this. But I do think it would have been good to say something at the time just to see his reaction. A simple...aren't you going to offer me some? Or is seconds just for you? Or can I have some more please?

Why didn't you offer me a drink when you went into the shop?

RedHelenB · 22/01/2023 18:27

Bizarre reasoning but up to you who you date obviously. As a grown up I'd expect someone who I was dating to come into the shop with me if they wanted a drink.

ItsAnOrgasmNotAFabergeEgg · 22/01/2023 18:27

YABU to spend £6 on coconut water no matter what colour it is.

But yeah. I’d expect a bit more generosity on a date. I would also extend the same generosity back so it’s not all one sided. If a man buys me dinner, I’ll get it the next time. I’m not a gold digger. I’d just rather we both treat each other than end up splitting bills and acting like … I don’t even know what because I’d also treat a friend or family member rather than go halves tbh!

Autumnnewname · 22/01/2023 18:29

He sounds mean and thoughtless

You're right to finish it. I couldn't be doing with someone who didn't think about me. Especially on the early dates

Original poster
9thFloorNightmare · 22/01/2023 18:30

MarmaladeCrumpets · 22/01/2023 18:27

Definitely fine to leave because of this. But I do think it would have been good to say something at the time just to see his reaction. A simple...aren't you going to offer me some? Or is seconds just for you? Or can I have some more please?

Why didn't you offer me a drink when you went into the shop?

It was early days and I like to observe and take people as they are / show rather than question and get sorrys and excuses

Actions do speak louder than words

OP posts:
Whatatimetobealivetoday · 22/01/2023 18:31

Fucking hell, the posts on here just keep on giving.

Original poster
9thFloorNightmare · 22/01/2023 18:33

RedHelenB · 22/01/2023 18:27

Bizarre reasoning but up to you who you date obviously. As a grown up I'd expect someone who I was dating to come into the shop with me if they wanted a drink.

I did not want a drink - I had my drink sorted

I just though he was not gentleman enough - especially after he drank half of my drink - my drink is not sold in any corner shop!

OP posts:
whataboutsecondbreakfast · 22/01/2023 18:34

I would expect a date to speak up and use their words if they wanted a drink, or a second helping.

I'd find someone sitting there passively and waiting to be offered something quite off-putting, tbh, so I'd say he's had a lucky escape.

Whataretheodds · 22/01/2023 18:37

£6 on coconut water?

(missed the point)

Lialou · 22/01/2023 18:37

£6 for water? YABU 🤣

But yes anyone thoughtful would have offered a drink and offered more food in those circumstances

Original poster
9thFloorNightmare · 22/01/2023 18:38

ItsAnOrgasmNotAFabergeEgg · 22/01/2023 18:27

YABU to spend £6 on coconut water no matter what colour it is.

But yeah. I’d expect a bit more generosity on a date. I would also extend the same generosity back so it’s not all one sided. If a man buys me dinner, I’ll get it the next time. I’m not a gold digger. I’d just rather we both treat each other than end up splitting bills and acting like … I don’t even know what because I’d also treat a friend or family member rather than go halves tbh!

I agree😂😅 pink coconut water is an occasional treat! I don’t drink alcohol at all so I can justify this way!

In fact when we had a dinner out / a different date before the walk in the park date - he drank alcohol and I drank tap water - I don’t generally drink anything else with food (boring) but we went 50/50
I was fine with this -

I guess I didn’t contribute to ingredients so can’t complain about feta cheese then…

OP posts: