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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop seeing him over this?

160 replies

9thFloorNightmare · 22/01/2023 17:57

In was going out with a man, he was a good person and seemed well adjusted, going through some career changes so he was upfront about his financial situation - struggling because he is not very ambition at all but still wanted to have a nice life, in nice area, with nice hobbies, etc

We always split 50/50 when out on our very simple dates.

He invited me to have lunch at his and asked if I liked couscous / feta cheese and other things and yes I liked everything.

Got there and the food was nice and tasty but I thought if was me cooking it I would have used more feta cheese and / or cut bigger pieces because the pieces he used were tiny and it would be much tastier if there was more of it. He said that was his 1st time cooking that dish and he loved feta cheese so I just thought he ate a lot of cheese before I arrived. All good.

He then started to get a second portion for himself and literally fished out all of the tiny pieces of feta cheese that were left! Spent some time trying to find them all since they were very small and mixed with the other ingredients. He didn't ask if I was going to have a second helping myself though but if I was then there would be no more feat cheese for me.

He invited me for lunch again a couple of days later but I said we were a mismatch and wished him good luck. Was IBU?

To not drip feed - the date before the couscous lunch, we went on a long walk in the woods and before we started he stopped by a corner shop to buy water. The corner shop was packed with people so I waited outside. He came out with a 1 small bottle only - I found it slightly weird because if it was me I would sure have asked whoever was in my company if they wanted water too or just buy a bottle for them. BUT...during the walk, I took my Rebel organic pink coconut water bought in whole foods for around £6. He had never seen that so I offered him a little sip to taste (it is delicious) and he ended up having half to it! and till didn't offer me a sip of his water though.

OP posts:
whataboutsecondbreakfast · 22/01/2023 19:33

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 22/01/2023 19:27

I don't know why people are going on about the OP's coconut water. I'm sure most of us spend the occasional £6 on something that falls into the 'luxury' rather than the 'necessity' bracket.

She brought it up!

Keeva2017 · 22/01/2023 19:36

@9thFloorNightmare I have no idea why you’ve had so many negative replies!

Surely we all look for indicators or personality and characteristics we find attractive?

i would 100% be put off by those examples, and I think they suggest he is a little mean and definitely not particularly generous or thoughtful.

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 22/01/2023 19:37

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 22/01/2023 19:33

She brought it up!

Show quote history

She brought it up originally to illustrate that she had shared it generously (so no history of meanness to justify her boyfriend's actions); and then posters started going on about it, so she had to defend the purchase.

PousseyNotMoira · 22/01/2023 19:37

Againstmachine · 22/01/2023 19:27

Try living in the north it isn't hard. Even spirits and a mixer are cheaper.

Show quote history

A bottle of spirits costs you less than £6 in a shop? As that’s what we’re comparing, like for like. OP didn’t pay £6 for a glass of coconut water.

lovemelongtime · 22/01/2023 19:39

I am one of the few here that agrees with you. If you go to the shop you would always say "can I get you anything" regardless of who you were with. Likewise scrimping on ingredients indicates tight arse. Get out now and enjoy your coc milk without sharing with the miserable git.

AlexanderSupertramp · 22/01/2023 19:39

I can't stand selfishness and greed so I'm with you on the second helping cheese thing that would be a red flag to me.
Don't know about the shop thing though if that happened by itself I might have assumed he was short of money.

AllOfThemWitches · 22/01/2023 19:39

Ketanne · 22/01/2023 18:23

Not your Rebel organic pink coconut water! 😱

😁

Original poster
9thFloorNightmare · 22/01/2023 19:39

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 22/01/2023 19:37

She brought it up originally to illustrate that she had shared it generously (so no history of meanness to justify her boyfriend's actions); and then posters started going on about it, so she had to defend the purchase.

Show quote history

not my boyfriend

a date

OP posts:
TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 22/01/2023 19:39

SnarkyBag · 22/01/2023 19:08

Love a good MN pun. Nobody does it feta

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Yes, they're grate aren't they?
Although I'm not sure I Camembert any more of Tomme.

DillDanding · 22/01/2023 19:39

He’s a tightarse, which is utterly off-putting.

You did the right thing.

Phasechamber · 22/01/2023 19:40

YANBU. sounds like a tight arse.

Againstmachine · 22/01/2023 19:40

PousseyNotMoira · 22/01/2023 19:37

A bottle of spirits costs you less than £6 in a shop? As that’s what we’re comparing, like for like. OP didn’t pay £6 for a glass of coconut water.

Show quote history

Nope but the OP compared her wanky water against alcoholic drinks I didnt.

EllieM27 · 22/01/2023 19:41

PousseyNotMoira · 22/01/2023 19:22

Lots of women on MN have selfish thoughtless partners. Read some of the posts. The way people end up with those sorts of men is by ignoring all the signs of selfishness and thoughtlessness at the early stages.

They dismiss these clear indications as ‘small’ or ‘petty’ or ‘unimportant’. Then, 10 years later, they have a greedy thoughtless husband who only thinks of himself and they’re wringing their hands wondering how this came about.

You made the right call. Stop defending yourself to strangers online. It’s utterly pointless.

Exactly, this is a great post. These things may seem small at the beginning but they reveal an underlying attitude that will become more prominent as they get more comfortable. If they aren’t bothering to hide it when they’re trying to make a good impression early on then it’s only going to get worse later.

He’s not fussed about his career and is coasting along hoping for an inheritance so he doesn’t have to worry about it. Frankly he sounds like a cocklodger in the making.

And don’t feel like you need to justify your drink, OP. I’ve spent much more on far stupider things than pink coconut water. It sounds delicious. Grin

Original poster
9thFloorNightmare · 22/01/2023 19:41

not being paid commission

unfortunetely

To stop seeing him over this?
OP posts:
countvoncount · 22/01/2023 19:43

The coconut water description has me laughing here 😂😂😂
You on commission OP?

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 22/01/2023 19:45

9thFloorNightmare · 22/01/2023 19:39

not my boyfriend

a date

Show quote history

Sorry Flowers

Dartmoorcheffy · 22/01/2023 19:49

"when he bought his water he didn’t know I had my water"

But you also say

"just though he was not gentleman enough - especially after he drank half of my drink "

MarchingBand · 22/01/2023 19:52

WatchingGreysAgain · 22/01/2023 18:24

YANBU to end it, because he’s had a lucky escape 😂

My thought exactly!

piliomachaon · 22/01/2023 19:54

9thFloorNightmare · 22/01/2023 19:07

To all of you talking about my £6 water, how much you spend on the pub or on the alcohol aisle in the supermarkets?

I'm on tight budget too - poorer then him probably since he is childless -

Not that tight a budget if you can spend £6 on a gimmicky bottle of water!

PousseyNotMoira · 22/01/2023 19:54

Againstmachine · 22/01/2023 19:40

Nope but the OP compared her wanky water against alcoholic drinks I didnt.

Show quote history

Yes, and like for like would be a bottle of alcoholic drink. No bottle of alcoholic drink (other than beer) costs less than £6. So, OP is correct - her bottle of water is cheaper.

Wonnle · 22/01/2023 19:58

6 quid on a bottle of water ?
6 quid ?
6 quid ?
6 quid ?
I'm going to say it again 6 quid ?

Original poster
9thFloorNightmare · 22/01/2023 19:58

Dartmoorcheffy · 22/01/2023 19:49

"when he bought his water he didn’t know I had my water"

But you also say

"just though he was not gentleman enough - especially after he drank half of my drink "

When he came out of the shopping with his water I made a mental note but didn't think much of it as I knew i didn't need a drink I had my own in my bag.

But then when he drank half of my drink and still didn't even care to offer me his - even though I didn't want his - this fact combined with the fact of him buying water only for himself - made me think that he isn't gentleman enough FOR ME

OP posts:
PousseyNotMoira · 22/01/2023 20:01

9thFloorNightmare · 22/01/2023 19:58

When he came out of the shopping with his water I made a mental note but didn't think much of it as I knew i didn't need a drink I had my own in my bag.

But then when he drank half of my drink and still didn't even care to offer me his - even though I didn't want his - this fact combined with the fact of him buying water only for himself - made me think that he isn't gentleman enough FOR ME

Show quote history

Why are you defending your dating decisions to these people? What for?

Original poster
9thFloorNightmare · 22/01/2023 20:02

AIBU to think that it appears many people here don't know what coconut water is?

coconut water is not plain water

and pink coconut water is harvested from young and very fresh coconuts - it is very tasty and healthy - it is not gimmicky or wanky - and I don't think one is snob for wanting to drink it sometimes

OP posts:
ehb102 · 22/01/2023 20:05

YANBU.

Yes, we can all speak up for ourselves and ask but ending up with a partner who never thinks of anyone but themselves is rubbish. Normal people say "I'm going to the shop. Do you need anything?" Or if they are on the skids and saving their last pennies for a single bottle of water and you said 'Yes, I need water" they could say "Let's go together then."

You did the right thing about the man. A lack of generosity at this stage ends up with a husband who thinks his wife should always be on duty, never have anything nice just for her and possibly meanness for the children. It's not nice and women need to see the warning signals.