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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To stop seeing him over this?

160 replies

9thFloorNightmare · 22/01/2023 17:57

In was going out with a man, he was a good person and seemed well adjusted, going through some career changes so he was upfront about his financial situation - struggling because he is not very ambition at all but still wanted to have a nice life, in nice area, with nice hobbies, etc

We always split 50/50 when out on our very simple dates.

He invited me to have lunch at his and asked if I liked couscous / feta cheese and other things and yes I liked everything.

Got there and the food was nice and tasty but I thought if was me cooking it I would have used more feta cheese and / or cut bigger pieces because the pieces he used were tiny and it would be much tastier if there was more of it. He said that was his 1st time cooking that dish and he loved feta cheese so I just thought he ate a lot of cheese before I arrived. All good.

He then started to get a second portion for himself and literally fished out all of the tiny pieces of feta cheese that were left! Spent some time trying to find them all since they were very small and mixed with the other ingredients. He didn't ask if I was going to have a second helping myself though but if I was then there would be no more feat cheese for me.

He invited me for lunch again a couple of days later but I said we were a mismatch and wished him good luck. Was IBU?

To not drip feed - the date before the couscous lunch, we went on a long walk in the woods and before we started he stopped by a corner shop to buy water. The corner shop was packed with people so I waited outside. He came out with a 1 small bottle only - I found it slightly weird because if it was me I would sure have asked whoever was in my company if they wanted water too or just buy a bottle for them. BUT...during the walk, I took my Rebel organic pink coconut water bought in whole foods for around £6. He had never seen that so I offered him a little sip to taste (it is delicious) and he ended up having half to it! and till didn't offer me a sip of his water though.

OP posts:
ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 22/01/2023 18:39

You ended it because he cut his feta too small?

Maybe he’s a crap cook? Maybe he likes things small?

I’ve heard it all now!

NumberTheory · 22/01/2023 18:40

He doesn’t sound like he thinks about others with the consideration you do. I think the buying water thing is a bit of a stretch - he could just assume you were adult enough to have your water needs sorted and would see asking about it as infantialising you.

But drinking half your coconut water when you’d just offered him a try and fishing all the feta bits out of the serving bowl when taking seconds seems very much like the actions of someone who takes what he wants without thinking about the needs or desires of whoever he’s sharing with. Early bird gets the worm type of approach.

It maybe he’s just used to people being more proactive about what they want (expecting you to say “Hey- just a sip, that’s all the water I have” or “Save some feta for me”), though personally I think that’s unlikely. In any case, you aren’t like that so this isn’t going to be a compatible relationship and dumping him seems like it was definitely the right move for you.

9thFloorNightmare · 22/01/2023 18:41

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 22/01/2023 18:34

I would expect a date to speak up and use their words if they wanted a drink, or a second helping.

I'd find someone sitting there passively and waiting to be offered something quite off-putting, tbh, so I'd say he's had a lucky escape.

I adressed this upthread

OP posts:
EMUKE · 22/01/2023 18:43

Love this! No This is why people should date more. We all love life completely different and we are looking for our match. He will find someone who is exactly like him and they will understand “their” ways. Is not bad for you to want someone to match your expectations. He however did not and that’s fine. Good luck! You deserve the world and the world is out there for you! Also well done for being mature and respectful and ending it before it began. You don’t need to explain your issues as to someone else this may not be a issue for them. For you it was and that’s why you are not compatible. X

crispsandnuts · 22/01/2023 18:43

#fetagate

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 22/01/2023 18:43

9thFloorNightmare · 22/01/2023 18:41

I adressed this upthread

Yeah, you said you like to observe people instead of speaking up for yourself and saying you want a drink, or a second helping, which makes absolutely no sense whatsoever to me.

And if you didn't actually want a drink (or seconds), why does it matter that they weren't offered in the first place?

amiold · 22/01/2023 18:45

£6 for a bottle of water. Jesus Christ 😂

SagittariusDwarf · 22/01/2023 18:45

This all sounds very petty.

Yeahrightthen · 22/01/2023 18:46

YANBU. It’s a pretty good indication of his general character ie. tighter than a rats arse.

The picking out the tiny bits of feta would give me the ick too!

Emmamoo89 · 22/01/2023 18:47

YANBU X

NamelessTemptress01 · 22/01/2023 18:47

He didn’t think to get you a drink but you brought a special drink for yourself and didn’t think to bring one for him either.

9thFloorNightmare · 22/01/2023 18:48

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 22/01/2023 18:43

Yeah, you said you like to observe people instead of speaking up for yourself and saying you want a drink, or a second helping, which makes absolutely no sense whatsoever to me.

And if you didn't actually want a drink (or seconds), why does it matter that they weren't offered in the first place?

it matters to me - I like to be with thoughtful people

also watching him fish tiny pieces of feta cheese was such a turn off

if we were long term partners or friends or family fine - but when you are trying to impress and win over someone? I think that was on the 4th date!

glad he showed me how he is though

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 22/01/2023 18:48

It sounds an odd reason to end an otherwise promising relationship but the more I re read I'm sensing it's probably for the best.
So he's struggling financially because he's not ambitious. Do you mean he just doesn't have a well paid job? He wants to live in a nice area and have hobbies....is he not entitled? He's been upfront, he has enough to live where he foes and fo his hobbies but not much left over for extravagant dates, just 'simple ones' where you go 50:50.
He invites you his home and cooks lunch but it's just not quite as 'cheesy' as you'd like. Your at a shop and he goes in for water. You stay outside so and say nothing so he probably assumes you dont want anything. ...which you probably didn't as you have your own drink. I wouldn't have known this was a £6 drink so he probably didn't. You offered him some to try and he accepted presumably said thank you. He didn't then ask he you wanted a slurp of his bottle of water.
Have I missed something? You want a man with more money. Just be honest. You've led him on.

Cheeeseontoasts · 22/01/2023 18:49

He’s essentially told you that he’s got a low budget, and you drink £6 water. Definitely not compatible.

crispsandnuts · 22/01/2023 18:50

On your next dating profile, you could put 'looking for a man who must share his big lumps of cheese' however I fear for your response Grin

C1N1C · 22/01/2023 18:51

He dodged a bullet. You sound hard work.

To end it over size of feta pieces, him having a second helping (when you have a voice, you could have said wait, I enjoy this, I want more), and then for him to not buy you water when you have your own money and ALSO have your own water...

Let's rephrase the last point. You're eating a cheesecake... would you expect him to ask you if you want ANOTHER cheesecake, or would you expect him to buy his own without asking? Asking you whether you want something you already have is stupid... and being annoyed that he didn't is even more stupid.

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 22/01/2023 18:52

Looks like you escaped a feta worse than death there!

winterbegone · 22/01/2023 18:52

Not just a £6 water but Rebel organic pink coconut water bought in whole foods, what a mouthful 😂

JudgeRudy · 22/01/2023 18:53

determinedtomakethiswork · 22/01/2023 18:07

This made me laugh. He sounds like he wants a champagne lifestyle on a lemonade budget. He also sounds as though he will always put himself first.

I don't think he wants a champagne lifestyle at all, which is just as well a sounds like he's struck vinegar! He said he doesn't have much spare income so dates need to be simple and inexpensive. Does OP expect him to give up his hobbies or maybe work overtime so he can keep up?

Berlinlover · 22/01/2023 18:53

Ketanne · 22/01/2023 18:23

Not your Rebel organic pink coconut water! 😱

😂😂😂

WhatInFreshHell · 22/01/2023 18:55

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 22/01/2023 18:52

Looks like you escaped a feta worse than death there!

😂😂😂

9thFloorNightmare · 22/01/2023 18:55

NamelessTemptress01 · 22/01/2023 18:47

He didn’t think to get you a drink but you brought a special drink for yourself and didn’t think to bring one for him either.

Good call! yes you are right.

But I bought the drink the day before when I was by myself doing my shopping - it was in my fridge

If I was with him and went inside the shop I would maybe not buy 2xbottles of a £6 drink though - unless I were feeling super happy or generous at that time.

OP posts:
OoooohMatron · 22/01/2023 18:57

YANBU. Nothing worse than a tight arse

JessesMum777888 · 22/01/2023 18:57

All I took from this post was you spend £6 on water 🤦‍♀️

Dibbydoos · 22/01/2023 18:58

Short arms and deep pocket people piss me off.

You are well rid of this self centred miser.
Feta cheese is just over a quid. A bottle if water is about the same price. What an AH.

Good riddance to tight people!

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