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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Been off sick with depression for 9 months, will colleagues think I’m taking the piss if I take the kids to a theme park

323 replies

chinateapot · 22/01/2023 17:49

Just as the title says really. My mum died, lots of issues from that, I couldn’t cope, got a diagnosis of depression and off work since now on half pay. (Civil service so great sick pay )
i want to do something nice for my kids because this is all horrid for them too but wjll my colleagues think I’m lying about needing to be off work ?

OP posts:
LCforlife · 22/01/2023 18:03

@XenoBitch it possibly matters if you work with bullying arseholes and there seems to be a lot of them about!

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/01/2023 18:03

@XenoBitch I made it clear it wasn't fair to do that. OP asked if people would judge not if they should. Your faux outrage when people are trying to be helpful and answer the OP's actual question is tiresome.

Floralnomad · 22/01/2023 18:05

The likely hood is they will think you are taking the piss , that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go .

PollyAmour · 22/01/2023 18:06

If you have been off sick for 9 months already, how much longer can you expect to get paid sick leave? Will you manage to return to work on a phased return before the money stops? I hope you have a support network in place, ready for your eventual return to work.

Oh and take your kids to the theme park, and don't tell them to keep it a secret either.

DoorTable · 22/01/2023 18:08

Yes people will comment about it: she can muster the energy for this but not that. It's bitchy and uncompassionate but such is the nature of people.
There is a lot of stigma about time off for mental illness anyway, and many people work (and work not very well either as in not concentrating, lots of mistakes, mini breakdowns) but they still physically attend work despite their mental illness so some will be resentful that you are taking this long off work when you are ok enough to face the world.

Zanatdy · 22/01/2023 18:09

Well I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it and I run a team of 150 people. No-one expects someone off with depression / coping after a bereavement to never leave the house. You could go on holiday and nothing anyone can do about it. Will people talk? Maybe, but rise above it. Like you say you want to treat your children who have been through a lot

MakeMineALarge1 · 22/01/2023 18:09

astronewt · 22/01/2023 18:01

Are you making any progress towards returning? Because nine months is a long time to be off, and even in the Civil Service your employment will eventually be terminated if you are not starting to contemplate a return.

Rightly or wrongly, if a colleague had been off for nine months, still showed no signs of returning, and was taking their kids on family days out, it wouldn't cause me to do or say anything but it would leave a bad taste in my mouth.

Agree with this 100%
And yes I would be judging.
Not ope
What steps are you making to return to work
If you were on a minimum wage job would you be off 9 months?

thestealthwee · 22/01/2023 18:09

Rightly or wrongly if I was your colleague then sorry but yes I would. I may not ever say it out loud to anyone but I'd think it. 9 months is a really long time. Lots of people deal with depression and bereavement and worse. If my working life and therefore home life was affected by colleagues on long term sick and me having to work harder because of it and be under more stress and pressure.... do you have a plan to go back to work? If you weren't getting half pay would you have stayed off so long??

zinch · 22/01/2023 18:09

Nine months is a really long time to be off and I suppose I would judge, a little. Sorry.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 22/01/2023 18:10

I can’t imagine it helps depression if you can’t go out or do anything. I mean if you feel able to. Surely would just make things worse.

I do hope you can make some progress towards being able to return soon though.

XenoBitch · 22/01/2023 18:11

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/01/2023 18:03

@XenoBitch I made it clear it wasn't fair to do that. OP asked if people would judge not if they should. Your faux outrage when people are trying to be helpful and answer the OP's actual question is tiresome.

Not faux outrage. I have been signed off sick yet called in to see HR/boss due to being seen in Tesco... and the best was a formal meeting with HR because I was seen in a pub with friends and was seen "laughing so obviously not depressed".
So I am a bit bitter when I see threads and comments about someone talking about a similar experience.

MakeMineALarge1 · 22/01/2023 18:11

If you were employed in a small business there's no way you'd be off so long, you're staying off as it's a civil service job.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/01/2023 18:12

Have you not gone out with your children in the last 9 months?

Cocobutt · 22/01/2023 18:13

If this was a few weeks into your time off then yes they’d probably think you were taking the piss.

But it sounds like you are doing much better and planning to return very soon and so they should understand that you’re returning to a normal life.

Do they know it’s depression?

RandomUsernameHere · 22/01/2023 18:13

Most people would probably think if you're well enough to go to a theme park then you're well enough to go to work. Especially if they don't know the nature of your illness.

DoorTable · 22/01/2023 18:18

Depression and bereavement is in the background of many people and they continue to work with it, showing up when they are struggling and nobody usually notices or knows about their struggle because of shitty employment rights or fear of stigma or both.
They might take DAYS off or a few weeks but 9 months is likely to make others resentful.

keeprunning55 · 22/01/2023 18:19

How wonderful to have sick pay to take so much time off work for depression. I’m pleased that your work allows this & I hope you feel better soon.
Go to the theme park if it helps you, but be prepared to give a reason why you felt able and well enough to do this. Mental health isn’t the same as a broken bone, so the healing process is so different.

jolene7 · 22/01/2023 18:20

Very sadly people will judge. I would say about 50% of people. It's normally the compliant types who care a lot about what other team mates are doing and can't let it go. Micromanager types. Those obsessed with "fairness".
Maybe it's a good thing for your recovery to practice not giving a fuck about other peoples judgements because they will always exist. Hold your head up high and take your kids. Best of luck and hope you're feeling better soon.

Whinge · 22/01/2023 18:23

jolene7 · 22/01/2023 18:20

Very sadly people will judge. I would say about 50% of people. It's normally the compliant types who care a lot about what other team mates are doing and can't let it go. Micromanager types. Those obsessed with "fairness".
Maybe it's a good thing for your recovery to practice not giving a fuck about other peoples judgements because they will always exist. Hold your head up high and take your kids. Best of luck and hope you're feeling better soon.

I'm neither compliant or a micromanager, but i'd raise an eyebrow and have a little mutter under my breath about someone going to a theme park for the day when they've been off 9 months. Perhaps that makes me a shitty person, but as much as I sympathise with the OP I doubt i'd be alone in being annoyed.

MotherofBingo · 22/01/2023 18:25

MakeMineALarge1 · 22/01/2023 17:58

As a colleague, should I judge, no, would I judge yes.
I'd also be wondering if you'd still be off if you weren't subject to such generous sick pay?

No OP might not still be off if she wasn't getting generous sick pay. That doesn't necessarily mean she shouldn't be. I didn't get sick pay from my last job, I was back in work 5 days after a failed suicide attempt. But I suppose being in a financially shit situation meant I must have been fine.

Anyone judging you hasn't been in that place OP, you have children - this is for them. It's possible to do nice things with your children and still be depressed.

Quitelikeit · 22/01/2023 18:26

Nine months is a very long time to be off work.

I would go as far to say that you have had enough time address some of the symptoms of your depression and that your treatment should be having some sort of positive impact by now

If I was your boss I’d want to know what steps you had been taken in order to improve your own situation

AnyFucker · 22/01/2023 18:27

I would judge you, but I am a pretty shitty person, tbh

LolaSmiles · 22/01/2023 18:29

I felt judged when going out with a long term physical illness and even when returning to work felt very judged by some people. In hindsight I allowed myself to care too much about people who didn't matter.

I've no doubt some of your colleagues will judge you, even though they don't know your medical situation.

Sometimes people find it easier to direct their negative feelings towards the person who is unwell instead of the managers who haven't covered the absence appropriately.

Mummytotwonow · 22/01/2023 18:29

Absolutely go and take your kids and have a lovely day out. You aren’t hostage in your home and are allowed out. It might even help you feel better. If people judge you that’s their problem. DO NOT feel guilty and just book it. Will be something to look forward to xx 💐

cleanitup · 22/01/2023 18:30

Do what you need to do for you and your kids. Your colleagues judgement is largely irrelevant.