Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH not speaking to me because I went out

233 replies

Goingforplatinum · 22/01/2023 08:00

Met a friend yesterday for a few drinks, met around 2. DH had DD2 and DSS. I was initially only supposed to be out a couple of hours, but I haven't been out in over a year (if I ever go anywhere DD always comes with me) and was just enjoying being me, so a couple of hours led to 4 hours and I was a little bit drunk (didn't take much as haven't drank since before DD was born. H went mad last n8ght saying I was supposed to be a couple of hours and he was stuck with the kids, then just basically snuffed me so I went to bed. This morning I got up with DD and he's barely speaking to me.
AIBU for going out and being out longer then i said I would??

OP posts:
skyeisthelimit · 22/01/2023 14:29

I thin YAB a bit U to have not updated him if you said you would only be a couple of hours, however....

Next time just tell him you don't know what time you will be back. Problem solved. You are allowed time off with your friends and its not a crime to get drunk.

It sounds like you need to make it a more regular thing so that he gets used to it.

He needs to parent his own children.

WineDup · 22/01/2023 14:29

BigglyBee · 22/01/2023 13:54

Two hours seems like quite a short time to be out meeting a friend. My husband would assume least 4 would be realistic if I hadn't seen the friend for a while. And I'm usually very good at timekeeping. He isn't, so I would allow much longer.

If I did what the OP has done, I would be gently mocked for a few days (for being slightly drunk when I don't normally even finish the one drink), but there would be no sulking or stropping.

Same. If I was going out drinking for “two hours” my partner would know I’ll not be home til 9pm, lol. I can’t even do a coffee in two hours! That’s what, two to three drinks?

However, my partner knows this because I go out frequently. As does he. In fact, I’m going out tonight and leaving my partner with the two kids. He’s sick and so is the baby. All he knows about the night is that I’m going out, and he knows who with. He’s not complained once (well, he did groan when I reminded him, but only because he’s sick and we had a lot to do today)

Op, make regular plans to go out, and don’t give him a time that you’ll be back. Have something easy for yourself for dinner in the freezer, tell him to sort the kids if you aren’t home. Tell him who you are with or where you are going, so that he doesn’t need to worry (so if you tell him it’s coffee at Costa’s and you aren’t home at 10pm he knows that’s unusual vs if you are in a pub that closes at 12)

if you gave him a time, then you were kind of unreasonable for not letting him know you would be later, but he could also have text to check when you’d be back.

SocialLite · 22/01/2023 14:34

Being out that length of time (or far longer!) is not a problem, being hours longer than planned without any contact is unreasonable.

If one of us is going out and doesn't know how long we'll be, we'll say that so the other won't worry- but if I'd said two hours and he'd heard nothing from me after for he'd have every right to be worried, and would find that upsetting.

Kittycat37uk · 22/01/2023 14:42

No no no why are ppl making this lady feel guilty for not texting or calling him and staying out later?
Why do some women put up with these controlling and manipulative men?my ex husband was like this but he was also abusive and a cheat hence why he's an ex but men never ask our permission so why should we ask theirs?we are not children we are grown ass adults and that's the beauty of being an adult free choice.
Your husband sounds like a childish AH and I wouldn't put up with that I'd get rid to be honest couldn't do with having to ask whenever I wanted to do anything or getting the silent treatment like a child. No to that life is way too short.

Taillighttoobright · 22/01/2023 14:47

Sorry, OP; I can understand why he's annoyed. You were out double the time you said you would be. That would be annoying.

rogueone · 22/01/2023 14:57

So he had his own child with him and your joint child and is sulking because you came home at 6pm? Is he unable to parent his own children?

He should have sent you out and told you to enjoy yourself and not rush home. That is what a loving partner does. I am not sure why you think you are the problem , sounds like he is good at sulking and blaming you to the point you start believing you are the issue.

This little situation would be enough for me to review my relationship-- him being angry at having to parent his own kids and sulking is not healthy. He clearly views parenting as 'womens' work.

KettrickenSmiled · 22/01/2023 15:01

Taillighttoobright · 22/01/2023 14:47

Sorry, OP; I can understand why he's annoyed. You were out double the time you said you would be. That would be annoying.

And yet by some miracle OP managed not to be annoyed when her H did the same to her, staying out hours later than he said he would.

He did go out for his work Christmas party and I happily picked him up and let him sleep all the next day when he was hungover

But OP is a couple of hours late back from seeing her friend, the only solo outing she's had IN A YEAR, & you reckon it's OK for her H to tick her off & then stonewall her for it?

Gh12345 · 22/01/2023 15:02

That’s a shame op! My hubby loves when I go out… because it’s so rare he really encourages me to take as long as I want. He’s being very unreasonable

rogueone · 22/01/2023 15:02

Taillighttoobright well given she hadn't been out post pregnancy I think she should be cut a bit of slack. Her husbands issue was that he was 'stuck' with the kids. Not very attractive that a man cant parent his own kids for 4 hrs. I mean it was 2-6 in an afternoon not 6pm- 2am. Ridiculous and I never expect my DH to come home when he says as he always gets carried away and I never tell him a time for myself for the same reason. We dont go in sulks and ignore each other which isnt a healthy response

AhNowTed · 22/01/2023 15:09

Taillighttoobright · 22/01/2023 14:47

Sorry, OP; I can understand why he's annoyed. You were out double the time you said you would be. That would be annoying.

At most mildly irritating.

Hardly enough for him to "go mad" and give her the silent treatment 24 hours later.

It's pathetic and controlling. Poor woman can't go out for the afternoon without him throwing a fit and punishing her for it.

MoreSleepPleasee · 22/01/2023 15:11

He's being very unreasonable. I left my house at 9am for a shopping trip and dinner/drinks and got back drunk at midnight. Will I feel bad? God no.

LuckySantangelo35 · 22/01/2023 15:13

MoreSleepPleasee · 22/01/2023 15:11

He's being very unreasonable. I left my house at 9am for a shopping trip and dinner/drinks and got back drunk at midnight. Will I feel bad? God no.

You really should according to some on here!

for being out so long
for being drunk
for not giving a time when you’d be back and rigidly sticking to it

what kind of wife are you?!?

lol

LuckySantangelo35 · 22/01/2023 15:14

Oh and don’t forget for not constantly texting and calling him whilst you were out

PrincessConstance · 22/01/2023 15:16

Imagine if she'd gone out at 12pm and come home a 9 am the next morning.😂

Lampzade · 22/01/2023 15:24

Stunningscreamer · 22/01/2023 12:08

Because you're always drawing a false equivalence.

The threads where the DP gets stick is because it's a pattern of not engaging with the children, having regular late nights out without notice and not returning the favour for the OP, getting so pissed they wet themselves, staying out until 6am, treating the OP like the default parent etc.

I've never read a post where a guy comes back in the middle of the day two hours late, mildly drunk, after not going out for a year, and everyone says, LTB or give him the silent treatment. This never happened.

You're either men looking to be offended or surrendered wives. Neither of which are useful to the OP.

Show quote history

This

Spanielsarepainless · 22/01/2023 15:24

I once met a friend for coffee and her husband ended up picking us up at 5.00! Had coffee, moved on to roast beef sandwiches, then tea and cake before he arrived. It was brilliant!

Stravaig · 22/01/2023 15:27

Do not have another child with this man.

musingsinmidlife · 22/01/2023 15:31

You should have updated him when your plans changed but otherwise you did nothing wrong.

General sign of respect to update someone who is expecting you at a certain time, friend or family if you are going to be a couple hours late. People plan around what they have been told and it takes mere seconds to send a text to let someone know the plans have changed. Coming home drunk in the middle of the day would be an eyebrow raiser in my house for either person.

LuckySantangelo35 · 22/01/2023 15:42

musingsinmidlife · 22/01/2023 15:31

You should have updated him when your plans changed but otherwise you did nothing wrong.

General sign of respect to update someone who is expecting you at a certain time, friend or family if you are going to be a couple hours late. People plan around what they have been told and it takes mere seconds to send a text to let someone know the plans have changed. Coming home drunk in the middle of the day would be an eyebrow raiser in my house for either person.

@musingsinmidlife

”coming home drunk in the middle of the day!”

😩
what a crime!

whats the big deal?

Ursula82 · 22/01/2023 15:55

Husband, friend, colleague, acquaintance

if I say I am going to be home or at a venue or arrive for a meeting at a particular time and I run 2 hours later than I’d said…. Common courtesy would kick in and if update.

If you’d do it for a friend, colleague or acquaintance… why would you not do it to your husband who is also with your yoj g child? 😐

Eeiliethya · 22/01/2023 15:55

You shouldn't need permission to leave the house and arrange for their FATHER to look after them.

And people saying you'd be pissed off as you'd arrange activities accordingly - they're his kids! I don't have activities mapped out for mine, on a Saturday or whatever we just chill or see where the wind blows us.

This is the first time you've been out and his reaction and expectations need to be managed at this stage otherwise things will never change.

Ursula82 · 22/01/2023 15:58

Oh @musingsinmidlife … really? Someone meeting a dear friend during the day when they’ve not socialised for a year coming back tipsy during the would having you “rising an eyebrow”?

Delorestormborn · 22/01/2023 16:01

Stuck with his kids? His kids.
I'd go out again.asap.

Original poster
Goingforplatinum · 22/01/2023 16:03

I accept I probably should of called or text to let H know I would be later back.

I do not accept that coming home tipsy in the evening after not touching alcohol or going out alone since December 2021 as being unacceptable!!!

OP posts:
Greyarea12 · 22/01/2023 16:04

Aw ffs.. another one of these threads this weekend where women are in relationships with controlling, jealous, emotionally abusive men .. who don't like them going out. This is about the 3rd or 4rth thread I have read this weekend. I will repeat.. You are not his teenage daughter who has broken her curfew. He does not own you. You are entitled to go where you want, when you want, for as long as you want, without his permission. By giving you the silent treatment you will fall into line and be sure never to make 'that mistake' again. It's called manipulation. It's called coercive control. It's called emotional abuse. Show him the door. Abusive bastard.