Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH not speaking to me because I went out

233 replies

Goingforplatinum · 22/01/2023 08:00

Met a friend yesterday for a few drinks, met around 2. DH had DD2 and DSS. I was initially only supposed to be out a couple of hours, but I haven't been out in over a year (if I ever go anywhere DD always comes with me) and was just enjoying being me, so a couple of hours led to 4 hours and I was a little bit drunk (didn't take much as haven't drank since before DD was born. H went mad last n8ght saying I was supposed to be a couple of hours and he was stuck with the kids, then just basically snuffed me so I went to bed. This morning I got up with DD and he's barely speaking to me.
AIBU for going out and being out longer then i said I would??

OP posts:
MyNameisMathilda · 22/01/2023 11:28

LuckySantangelo35 · 22/01/2023 11:26

@MyNameisMathilda
@MelchiorsMistress

speak for yourself! I wouldn’t be remotely bothered if my husband came home at 6pm rather than 4pm especially if he hadn’t been out for over a year!
and I couldn’t care less if he was drunk!

Why on earth would I be bothered?!

That's not what we said! We said that when women post things like this on here the men are all the bastards out there!

AnotherRandomMale · 22/01/2023 11:31

If you went out with only a vague time as to when you would be back, or let him know you'd be later, then YANBU

If you went out saying you'd be back at 4 and then rolled in past 6 without a call or a message, YABU

Can't tell which it is.

Cherrysoup · 22/01/2023 11:32

I’d appreciate a message from my DH, but we normally just wave each other off and expect to see them whenever.

Do you do a lot of looking after of the dsd?

PrincessConstance · 22/01/2023 11:32

LuckySantangelo35 · 22/01/2023 11:26

@MyNameisMathilda
@MelchiorsMistress

speak for yourself! I wouldn’t be remotely bothered if my husband came home at 6pm rather than 4pm especially if he hadn’t been out for over a year!
and I couldn’t care less if he was drunk!

Why on earth would I be bothered?!

That's your standard. Dp hates drunks. So encourages me to stay with my friends if I'm going out drinking.
I think if I was going out and coming home drunk regularly we wouldn't last, although he doesn't mind me staying out or away.

Tangelablue · 22/01/2023 11:35

Hes a crap dad for not wanting to spend time with his kids and he's a crap partner for not accepting you want to spend time with your friend from time to time.

WonderingWanda · 22/01/2023 11:35

When I go out and say I will be a couple of hours my dh always tells me to take my time / have a nice time and not to worry because he's got the kids.

I don't think you were unreasonable to be an hour or so longer, I doubt you specified that you would be home at exactly x o'clock anyway.

LuckySantangelo35 · 22/01/2023 11:41

PrincessConstance · 22/01/2023 11:32

That's your standard. Dp hates drunks. So encourages me to stay with my friends if I'm going out drinking.
I think if I was going out and coming home drunk regularly we wouldn't last, although he doesn't mind me staying out or away.

Show quote history

@PrincessConstance

ok fair enough

for me personally if I wanna go out and get a bit drunk and I will but I’ll be coming back to my own house, DP can like it or not!

Fuwari · 22/01/2023 11:46

He’s done this so that next time you go out you’ll be carefully clock watching to make sure your not late or better still (in his mind) decide it’s not worth the “hassle” and not go at all. I had a friend who’s partner was like this. Fine for him to go out till all hours but he couldn’t stand her being out. He made it so difficult she just never went out in the end.

As others have said, you need to start making this a regular thing. Don’t give into his control tactics.

BungleandGeorge · 22/01/2023 11:47

You didn’t bother to even text? Yes that’s unreasonable.
you arrived back ‘a bit drunk’? How much did you drink? Presumably enough that you shouldn’t be helping look after the child.
I think there’s serious double standards here. You going out shouldn’t be a problem it’s your failure to plan ahead and then just going home when you felt like it without so much as text.
if it was you posting about your oh you’d be told ltb 🤷‍♀️

MrsSkylerWhite · 22/01/2023 11:49

If I was living with my mum, a friend, a sister, brother etc., and said I’d be home about 4 then decided to stay longer, I’d let them know. Isn’t that just the polite thing to do?

Passthechocolatesplease · 22/01/2023 11:50

Tangelablue · 22/01/2023 11:35

Hes a crap dad for not wanting to spend time with his kids and he's a crap partner for not accepting you want to spend time with your friend from time to time.

What a ridiculous statement.

XanaduKira · 22/01/2023 11:51

Branleuse · 22/01/2023 09:51

I just cannot understand how people allow themselves to be dictated to like this or being in each others pockets.
Youre an adult and if you want to hang out with a mate, surely if your partner isnt at work then he just takes over with the kids for a bit safein the knowledge that he has same freedom?

This!

Plbrookes · 22/01/2023 11:52

"I wish the poor menz, double standards waaaaah crew would put a sock in it."

This 'poor menz' thing is really childish and tedious. Write like an adult and try to say something new and in your own words.

PrincessConstance · 22/01/2023 11:53

LuckySantangelo35 · 22/01/2023 11:41

@PrincessConstance

ok fair enough

for me personally if I wanna go out and get a bit drunk and I will but I’ll be coming back to my own house, DP can like it or not!

Show quote history

My friends live an hr away, where we used to live so I'm not paying for the taxi on top of a night out.
Although he did pick me up from a works ball which was also an hr plus away. I think I got him to stop 2 or 3 times and slurred on all the way home.😂
Dp has a friend whose wife goes out and comes back leathered at all hrs. They've been together 20 yrs, apparently, her husband hates it.
Dp and his friends manage to go out at lunch and come back at whenever not hammered.
But this is just a woman coming home after being out for 4 hrs. He's being very unreasonable.

Cocobutt · 22/01/2023 11:53

If you went out with only a vague time as to when you would be back, or let him know you'd be later, then YANBU

If you went out saying you'd be back at 4 and then rolled in past 6 without a call or a message, YABU

Can't tell which it is.

OP said she didn’t call or text him to let him know.

I feel the same as you.

You can go out for as long as you want but if you say you’re going to be back at X time and then stay out with letting them know then you are in the wrong.

Lampzade · 22/01/2023 11:54

I just get the impression that Op’s was looking for an excuse to sulk because he
wasnt happy about having to look after the kids.
Even if Op messaged him or phoned him to let him know that she would be late, he would probably still sulk.
Think about it, Op hasn’t been out for a year. Her dh has been spoiled because Op probably does most of the childcare .
Op pointed out that he didn’t mind her coming in late when she had the dd. This shows that he doesn’t have a problem with her coming home late and not messaging, he just doesn’t want to have to take care of the kids by himself. He is selfish

KettrickenSmiled · 22/01/2023 11:56

H went mad last n8ght saying I was supposed to be a couple of hours and he was stuck with the kids,

Charming way to talk about your own children.

Since having them, how many times have YOU been stuck with the kids while he enjoyed his leisure, OP?

SleepingStandingUp · 22/01/2023 11:56

Cocobutt · 22/01/2023 11:53

If you went out with only a vague time as to when you would be back, or let him know you'd be later, then YANBU

If you went out saying you'd be back at 4 and then rolled in past 6 without a call or a message, YABU

Can't tell which it is.

OP said she didn’t call or text him to let him know.

I feel the same as you.

You can go out for as long as you want but if you say you’re going to be back at X time and then stay out with letting them know then you are in the wrong.

But op said if she's had the kids with her, he wouldn't have blinked twice at her being two hours late. It's the double standards over him ONLY caring because cues had to look after her child and her step child for her 🙄that would irk me.
Yes she should have told him.

KillerSandy · 22/01/2023 11:56

No wonder there are so many divorces today - so little respect by some for their partners.

seaweedhead · 22/01/2023 11:57

Actually I think if the roles were reversed people would be telling the op she was completely unreasonable. Two hours in the middle of the afternoon is nothing. It doesn't sound like he needed her back for any particular reason.

KettrickenSmiled · 22/01/2023 11:57

Passthechocolatesplease · 22/01/2023 11:50

What a ridiculous statement.

Show quote history

What's ridiculous about Tangelablue's summary, @Passthechocolatesplease ?

Lampzade · 22/01/2023 11:59

seaweedhead · 22/01/2023 11:57

Actually I think if the roles were reversed people would be telling the op she was completely unreasonable. Two hours in the middle of the afternoon is nothing. It doesn't sound like he needed her back for any particular reason.

I agree

piedbeauty · 22/01/2023 11:59

You need to go out a lot more, so he gets used to looking after his own dc. Why not remind him how you treated him after his Xmas do and point out that you deserve the same treatment?? Selfish, controlling nob.

BobDear · 22/01/2023 12:00

Be careful OP

How you deal with this will reverberate. He is trying to set a boundary, which is basically you can't go out beyond his curfew whilst he has parental responsibility. If he gets so much as a sniff of an apology, he will believe he has the right to enforce this rule and show anger or sulk if you don't cooperate.

You need to shut this down right now. You can say that, yes, you should have texted him that you were going to be longer (as long as he would do you the same courtesy) but that you will not be held to a clock just because he has sole charge of your DC. It's a slippery slope.

KettrickenSmiled · 22/01/2023 12:02

Goingforplatinum · 22/01/2023 10:51

@Merrymumoftwo it's exactly that, just the next thing in a long line of issues. The problem is, I'm wondering if I'm the problem, is he? Or if its just something we need to work through

What kind of a number has this man done on you that you can possibly think YOU are the problem for going out once, for a few hours, in over a year?

Eldest child is his child and my step child.
So he guilt-trips & stonewalls you over HIM having to do any parenting, even though one of those children isn't even yours?

He sounds like a sexist dinosaur who thinks you exist to serve him.

Swipe left for the next trending thread