DH not speaking to me because I went out

[Goingforplatinum]

Met a friend yesterday for a few drinks, met around 2. DH had DD2 and DSS. I was initially only supposed to be out a couple of hours, but I haven't been out in over a year (if I ever go anywhere DD always comes with me) and was just enjoying being me, so a couple of hours led to 4 hours and I was a little bit drunk (didn't take much as haven't drank since before DD was born. H went mad last n8ght saying I was supposed to be a couple of hours and he was stuck with the kids, then just basically snuffed me so I went to bed. This morning I got up with DD and he's barely speaking to me.
AIBU for going out and being out longer then i said I would??

I wouldnt say he is controlling, he is just very immature. Assuming you did let hím know you will be later than you thought there is nothing he should be upset about.

Because you're always drawing a false equivalence.

The threads where the DP gets stick is because it's a pattern of not engaging with the children, having regular late nights out without notice and not returning the favour for the OP, getting so pissed they wet themselves, staying out until 6am, treating the OP like the default parent etc.

I've never read a post where a guy comes back in the middle of the day two hours late, mildly drunk, after not going out for a year, and everyone says, LTB or give him the silent treatment. This never happened.

You're either men looking to be offended or surrendered wives. Neither of which are useful to the OP.

So it's ok that you're 'stuck' dealing with 'his' children day in and day out.

I'd have a long think about if you really want to spend the rest of your life like this.

He is the problem

I could understand his being a bit annoyed at your not messaging him to let him know, as some people would get anxious over that (though it was hardly the middle of the night!) However, it seems that his main complaint is that he had to spend a couple of extra hours looking after his OWN children. He seems to regard his children as a burden ('stuck with the kids') and you as the one with almost total responsibility for looking after them, rather than an equal partner. Not a nice attitude,

YANBU.... but guess you should have told him your plans had changed with a quick call but your outing sounds perfectly reasonable to me....in fact if I was 'popping out' on a Saturday afternoon I wouldn't expect to be back within 2 hours.
Is his issue you didn't tell him, or does he think it's unreasonable to be 'stuck' with his own kids for 1 afternoon? If he's making such a fuss it sounds like he's rarely in this position.

As an outsider my solution would be to have a free time tab where you ensure things are balanced however this is your marriage, notch business transaction. I'd start off by trying to establish exactly what he's annoyed about rather than considering the whole incident eg was it that you were tipsy? Did he plan to do something himself at teatime? Dud he just not know what to 'do about tea'? Did he think you had 'a thing' going on with Adam?

It would have been better to let him know you were going to be out longer than expected but his reaction is ridiculous. He probably assumed that if you were going to be back by 4 then you would be sorting the evening meal so he was properly peed off that he had to do that himself. I agree with PPs who have suggested you go out a bit more often.

I think words like 'allowed ' or 'a pass' feed into the negativity. I don't think it's unreasonable to agree roughly how long someone's going to be out for a run. The activity isn't really relevant. In my experience it only seems that women are more controlling because on ghecdhole women tend to negotiate less 'free time' than men. When they do its a 'thing' and husband will likely want all the data/plan including what the kids are having for tea.

OP you need to “speak now or forever hold your peace” ie tell him how you feel and come to some agreement or put up with this behaviour for the rest of your lives together.
I have found — I’ll only be a couple of hours but if I’m going to be longer I’ll let you know— works as it provides for eventualities and negotiations over the length of time. I prefer to know roughly how long I’ve got before DP is home so I’m probably a bit more accommodating on that issue.
I agree with most other pps— your DH needs to change his perception re the shared responsibility of parenthood.

I'm not aware that any one has blamed OP for all of this. Most have agreed she should probably have let him know she was going to be a little later (that's as far as any blame goes) but it's no major 'offense'...
Most are saying HE is an arse - firstly for considering caring for his own children as being 'stuck with them', and secondly for sulking and dragging this out.

Yep, if I’d acted like DH in this post every time my DP wasn’t back the time he said he’d be we’d never speak 🤣

Going off everything you have said, he is being extremely unfair. What’s wrong with you going out. Honestly, maybe you could have let him know you’d be later, but really what’s the harm that you didn’t? I’d remind him that he was out later when he was out and you were ok with this and wanted him to have a good time. I’d also remind him that if he has such an issue with looking after HIS OWN children from time to time then he needs to buck up and stop being so selfish. If he isn’t going to talk to you, leave him to it.

Really?
Like a child? You cant hang out with your mates in the afternoon and be home a couple of hours later than planned occasionally?

I get that. I might be hungry at 5pm but hanging on thinking partner will be home soon. I might have wanted to sort out my paper work on the dining table but didn't think I'd get it done by 4pm. It's not just about knowing what they're up to, it's knowing you have the house to yourself. You can do lots of stuff in 4hrs that would be rushed in 2.
My friend cancelled an 8pm visit last night at 6pm. I had a quick bowl of soup for tea to allow me time to colour my hair before she came when actually I fancied a takeaway. After I got out the bathroom at u and saw her text I was irritated as I'd have planned things differently.

For fucks sake, does he never look after his kids for more than a couple of hours!?

DP left the house at 8am this morning to spend a couple of hours at his volunteer post. It’s not 1.25pm and I don’t feel the need to lash out at him when he’s in because a “couple of hours” doesn’t mean 2 hours from the moment he left home to when he walks in the door. In a moment I’ll text him to check he’s had lunch and find out if he’s having a nice time because I care more about those things than him not driving rigidly to a time frame.

OP, you’ve posted several posts about your DH recently that are frankly concerning. Please talk to one of your friends you were out with last night about it all.

Both in the wrong - you said you’d be two hours and you weren’t. Did you let him know you’d be longer? If not, YABU. You’re in a partnership with children, and so planning / keeping your word is part of the deal. Fair enough if you had let him know, but if you go out and then just claim it’s been ages since you had so you’ll be back whenever isn’t really fair.

Of course if you didn’t show him the courtesy of sending him a message when you knew you’d be twice as long as you said, then yabu

Is that the same not fair as the H coming back way later than he said he'd be from his NYE work party, or a different not fair, that you're saving just for OP?

Was it fair that she let him lie in after his late night, & took care of the kids all day so he could recover, but when she has an afternoon out, she gets berated & then stonewalled?

Two hours seems like quite a short time to be out meeting a friend. My husband would assume least 4 would be realistic if I hadn't seen the friend for a while. And I'm usually very good at timekeeping. He isn't, so I would allow much longer.

If I did what the OP has done, I would be gently mocked for a few days (for being slightly drunk when I don't normally even finish the one drink), but there would be no sulking or stropping.

Whilst a quick text or call might have been helpful. It's not the end of the world.

His behaviour towards you is absolutely vile. He's basically got a strop on because you went out with your friend and weren't doing the childcare. 1 of those kids isn't even your responsibility really! I wouldn't be impressed that he said he'd been "stuck" with the kids. What a horrid man.

I hope you let him know that you've got plans to meet up with your friend again soon and confirm he's going to look after HIS kids again. Because HIS kids really enjoy having him around for a change.

Well said @SoupAndSodaBread . The reverse the sexes/poor menz crowd are always tedious.
Imagine a woman complaining about having to be "stuck with" her own kids for 4 hours during the day while her partner has a very rare outing. Especially when she stayed out all night previously and her husband kindly let her lie in and looked after her the next day. She'd get a pasting on here!

OP should have let him know she was going to be longer, but he needs to get used to time alone with the DC. Maybe OP should have more time away from the DC but come back on time. Allow him to get used to having the DC and OP time to not be mum.

This man is very stressed and angry because his slave is getting ideas about freedom he needs to nip this in the bud so that he can carry on enjoying his freedom