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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH not speaking to me because I went out

233 replies

Goingforplatinum · 22/01/2023 08:00

Met a friend yesterday for a few drinks, met around 2. DH had DD2 and DSS. I was initially only supposed to be out a couple of hours, but I haven't been out in over a year (if I ever go anywhere DD always comes with me) and was just enjoying being me, so a couple of hours led to 4 hours and I was a little bit drunk (didn't take much as haven't drank since before DD was born. H went mad last n8ght saying I was supposed to be a couple of hours and he was stuck with the kids, then just basically snuffed me so I went to bed. This morning I got up with DD and he's barely speaking to me.
AIBU for going out and being out longer then i said I would??

OP posts:
Ursula82 · 22/01/2023 10:46

LuckySantangelo35 · 22/01/2023 10:42

@Ursula82

nope

in that situation I wouldn’t be expecting my partner home after two hours

I would plan my own day independent of my partner

cos for me not all of my time and plans hinge on what my husband is or isn’t doing

Show quote history

So your partner presumably knows this about you and that is how the two of you work.

some couples are in a great deal of contact throughout the day, and so if 4 hours radio silence was very different from the norm… then it would be unsettling to say the least

Tricolette · 22/01/2023 10:47

When mine were little we didn’t have mobiles and if I was late or dh was late we just assumed they were ok and that was that.
I can’t understand all this checking in constantly.

I would just ignore your dh sulking, he was looking after his own dc and he’s not your boss.

Ursula82 · 22/01/2023 10:48

I
for me
my partner

All applies to you @LuckySantangelo35

and you are extrapolating from that… that everyone is or should be the same

Emmamoo89 · 22/01/2023 10:49

YANBU he's an arsehole x

FurAndFeathers · 22/01/2023 10:49

Goingforplatinum · 22/01/2023 08:26

@Wat2do222 he normally prefers me to be late back, but that's because I have DD with me. I think his main issues is because he had to have the children on his own, where as normally I'm at home with them.

the problem for him is that the ‘nanny’ skipped out and he had to parent his own children.

how much does he usually do for them?

Original poster
Goingforplatinum · 22/01/2023 10:51

@Merrymumoftwo it's exactly that, just the next thing in a long line of issues. The problem is, I'm wondering if I'm the problem, is he? Or if its just something we need to work through

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 22/01/2023 10:55

Ursula82 · 22/01/2023 10:48

I
for me
my partner

All applies to you @LuckySantangelo35

and you are extrapolating from that… that everyone is or should be the same

@Ursula82

ok - some partners like to be constantly in touch throughout the day and to be together all the time on a weekend and to not go out for more than a couple of hours without the other and all that jazz

nothing wrong with that

eveyone is different

thing is it doesn’t sound like that’s working for op though. She sounds stifled.

Lampzade · 22/01/2023 10:55

LadyGAgain · 22/01/2023 10:16

You have a serious problem brewing. He sees it that he did you A FAVOUR looking after HIS children. No you didn't have to message. You went out. You're not accountable to him. You need to sit down and discuss this and he needs to grow the fuck up.

This is it
In his mind looking after the kids is Op’s ‘job’.
He must have been counting down the hours for Op to come home and do her ‘job’
Op, hasn’t been out for a year, her dh should have been encouraging her to go out.
The utilisation of the silent treatment is to ensure that Op doesn’t go out at all.
If I were Op, I would send him a text informing him that you intend to go out next week, so that he should ensure that he is available to look after the kids
I wouldn’t apologise for coming back late, I would point out that I had been ‘ stuck with the kids’ and that I deserved a break

Ihatepcos · 22/01/2023 10:57

YABU you should have called him.

AhNowTed · 22/01/2023 11:03

Ihatepcos · 22/01/2023 10:57

YABU you should have called him.

Nonsense.

A normal person would assume his wife, on a rare afternoon out, was enjoying herself, and would be pleased for her.

She was out from 2 till 6 for gods sake.

PrincessConstance · 22/01/2023 11:04

I would like to add if dp goes out he always comes back when he says he would.
For example, goes out at 12pm and comes back at 5 pm.

LuckySantangelo35 · 22/01/2023 11:07

Ihatepcos · 22/01/2023 10:57

YABU you should have called him.

@Ihatepcos

two hours is nothing it was always gonna be the case she was gonna be longer after not going out for a whole year!!

also what would have happened if she did call him and he told her he wanted her home - should she have just gone home?!

Weedoormatnomore · 22/01/2023 11:09

Sounds like you need to have a proper conversation with himself out me time for you both. Was he waiting for you to come home to do dinner ? Know I would be annoyed if DH did this don't care if he is out for hours but if I delayed dinner for him to come home tipsy then go straight to bed !

cadburyegg · 22/01/2023 11:09

I think you should have let him know you'd be back later but his reaction is OTT and childish. I think you know why the relationship with his child's mother didn't work out OP

BadNomad · 22/01/2023 11:11

Maybe you need to start going out more often so he can get the hang of looking after his own children on his own.

neveradullmoment99 · 22/01/2023 11:12

The silent treatment isn't on regardless.
Yes, you should have text him, but it's not like it was late.
Is he saying he is annoyed at you cause you didn't text him or is he lying to cover the fact that he is insecure about you being out? - totally different ball game.
Does he go out? If he does, is he constantly in touch with you? If not, that's not on.
You need to talk about this.

monsteramunch · 22/01/2023 11:12

In his mind looking after the kids is Op’s ‘job’.He must have been counting down the hours for Op to come home and do her ‘job’ Op, hasn’t been out for a year, her dh should have been encouraging her to go out.

This is exactly it.

He thinks OP, a woman, is the default parent in their house. To both her child and step child.

That parenting his children is 'helping' her, doing her a favour, 'babysitting' etc.

I would bet my house that the split of chores in the home has never been equal or fair either.

mycatsanutter · 22/01/2023 11:13

' stuck with the kids ' !! Horrible turn of phrase and how was he stuck can he not leave the house ! Make sure you tell him his behaviour is unacceptable,don't just put up with the silent treatment

PrinceHaz · 22/01/2023 11:14

Goingforplatinum · 22/01/2023 10:51

@Merrymumoftwo it's exactly that, just the next thing in a long line of issues. The problem is, I'm wondering if I'm the problem, is he? Or if its just something we need to work through

He’s gaslighting you if you’re wondering if you’re the problem.
He didn’t want to be left alone with his own children and is sulking to punish you. He isn’t nice.
I wouldn’t want to be with this manchild long term.

Roselilly36 · 22/01/2023 11:15

He is being unreasonable & ridiculous, when he starts speaking to you again, tell him how lovely it was to meet your friend, and you will be doing it more often in future.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 22/01/2023 11:16

Remind him that:
Stuck with the children = parenting.
Both parents have equal responsibility for parenting.
He is a parent.
He should grow up and take responsibility

Cocobutt · 22/01/2023 11:16

YANBU you are an adult and can stay out for as long as you want.

However, I do think it was wrong of you to say you’re getting back at X time and then come back much later without even a text to say you are staying out.
That would annoy me too.

If you stay together then in future don’t give a time that you’ll be back by or if you decide to stay out later just send him a quick text to let him know.

MyNameisMathilda · 22/01/2023 11:19

MelchiorsMistress · 22/01/2023 08:15

This is going to be one of those threads that is covered in double standards.

Of course you should have been allowed to stay out for two hours more than you said, you are the mum, and if you were enjoying a few drinks and wanted to be late home then your DP should be supportive.

Its only a problem if you’re male and coming home a little drunk two hours later than agreed when your partner is looking after the children.

You are right but many people hate to hear this.

Merrymumoftwo · 22/01/2023 11:26

@Goingforplatinum you’re not the problem. As for if it is salvageable that’s a decision for a cool, calm head.
Have you tried counselling? Do you think it would help? Do you just need a break as in is there an option to stay with family a couple of days?
do you think he would be receptive to a conversation and remain calm?

if you have a chance sit down and work out what’s best for you and go from there. Good luck 🤗

LuckySantangelo35 · 22/01/2023 11:26

@MyNameisMathilda
@MelchiorsMistress

speak for yourself! I wouldn’t be remotely bothered if my husband came home at 6pm rather than 4pm especially if he hadn’t been out for over a year!
and I couldn’t care less if he was drunk!

Why on earth would I be bothered?!

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