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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH not speaking to me because I went out

233 replies

Goingforplatinum · 22/01/2023 08:00

Met a friend yesterday for a few drinks, met around 2. DH had DD2 and DSS. I was initially only supposed to be out a couple of hours, but I haven't been out in over a year (if I ever go anywhere DD always comes with me) and was just enjoying being me, so a couple of hours led to 4 hours and I was a little bit drunk (didn't take much as haven't drank since before DD was born. H went mad last n8ght saying I was supposed to be a couple of hours and he was stuck with the kids, then just basically snuffed me so I went to bed. This morning I got up with DD and he's barely speaking to me.
AIBU for going out and being out longer then i said I would??

OP posts:
Inkpotlover · 22/01/2023 08:29

This is the second thread in two days where the husband has kicked off for the poster having a rare night out with friends. What is wrong with these men?? It’s such controlling behaviour. The sulking afterwards is awful too - it’s a form of emotional abuse.

EBearhug · 22/01/2023 08:38

It would be unreasonable if you knew he had to go out at 5pm to run some errand. It would be unreasonable if you'd come in really pissed after midnight. But you didn't.

It was mildly unreasonable not to message to say you were going to be a bit later than planned, but he could have also messaged to ask if all was okay, if he was worried.

The rest of it, he's whinging about having to parent his own children, and he's the one being unreasonable.

pictoosh · 22/01/2023 08:42

Yanbu - tell him to straighten his face out. You're not his PA. What a prick.

6ft1minimum · 22/01/2023 08:47

Tough shit he has to look after his own kids! OP you need to arrange to start going out more regularly!

AhNowTed · 22/01/2023 08:50

He should have been happy for you, seen you skipping out the door for a rare few drinks.

OP DO NOT start down this "allowed to go out" road.

He's not your dad, they're his children too, and you do not need permission.

Is he huffing so you'll be put off going out again... Controlling!

pictoosh · 22/01/2023 08:50

This is all designed to keep you under the thumb. Working through his mood, fucking draining and unneccessary...but next time you fancy a bit of free time, what will you remember? This bullshit. And it is bullshit. He's got nothing to be pissed off about. Tell him to fuck off. Seriously. Don't let him treat you like an underling.

BunchHarman · 22/01/2023 08:52

What a selfish controlling cunt.

He’s going to be absolutely horrible to you today to make sure you learn never to go out again, and to force him to parent his own children, one of which isn’t even yours, from 2pm until 6pm…

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 22/01/2023 08:55

BunchHarman has nailed it

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 22/01/2023 08:55

I did it yesterday with a friend. We were going for a walk and decided to have lunch - so 2 hours turned into 4. When I got home my husband asked me if I had a good time and said it was good that I had a nice catch up with my friend. He’d been looking after our 2 kids - no complaining, no silent treatment. Your husband is being an arse

toomuchlaundry · 22/01/2023 08:57

If I hadn’t been out for nearly a year without DC and said I was going for a couple of hours my DH would have said stay out longer and make the most of it

notacooldad · 22/01/2023 08:59

Blimey, I stayed out later longer than I intended dozens of times over tbe years when my kids were little. I didnt mean to bit we would have a good catch up, drink a few cocktails and chat for ages having a laugh.Time just went.
Dh did not give me grief at all.
However he didnt see being with the children a burden and he always asked if I had a good time.
I could understand if your Dh was waiting for you to come home because he had to go out or something but if it was just a regular day with no immediate plans then he isnt being fair.
The flip side was, I dont give Dh shit when he goes to the local with BIL and mates.

beingsunny · 22/01/2023 09:00

His response isn't ok, you probably could have dropped him a txt to say you would be later (then put your phone back in you bag) but I'm guessing you didn't because you knew he would be stroppy.

You need to make this a regular thing, at least every other week, head out to meet a friend/s, it's important for you to have time away for yourself, you are a mum but also a person, don't forget that.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/01/2023 09:04

Goingforplatinum · 22/01/2023 08:26

@Wat2do222 he normally prefers me to be late back, but that's because I have DD with me. I think his main issues is because he had to have the children on his own, where as normally I'm at home with them.

So if you'd been due at 4 with the kids but came in at 6 he wouldn't have worried or got cross but because he had to look after "YOUR" child and "YOUR" step child he's annoyed?
. I'd be going out more often...

GoodChat · 22/01/2023 09:07

I would have let him know if I'd specifically said I'd be a couple of hours but then was going to be a decent amount of time longer, but he's clearly just a shit dad.

Courgeon · 22/01/2023 09:09

MelchiorsMistress · 22/01/2023 08:15

This is going to be one of those threads that is covered in double standards.

Of course you should have been allowed to stay out for two hours more than you said, you are the mum, and if you were enjoying a few drinks and wanted to be late home then your DP should be supportive.

Its only a problem if you’re male and coming home a little drunk two hours later than agreed when your partner is looking after the children.

My experience of this in RL is always the other way round. I've know some hideously controlling women who who only "let" their partners out for a certain amount of time and their partners have to request a "pass" to be allowed out. I've never known it the other way round to be honest. One woman I know even dictates the amount of time her husband goes out for a run for, and kicks off if he's even minutes over! Kids are older not toddlers. It's bullshit.

However YANBU you should be able to go out for a few hours without repercussions.

QuizteamAguillera · 22/01/2023 09:11

“Stuck with the kids”

What a horrible thing to say.
The silent treatment thing is horrible,my ex did this and wish I’d known about Mumsnet back then.

Do you never go out? a hobby? Or work?

Get yourself a hobby asap

C8H10N4O2 · 22/01/2023 09:13

So such a useless and lazy lump that he won't parent his own children, one of which isn't even yours, for an afternoon?

What a prince.

SoupAndSodaBread · 22/01/2023 09:15

Courgeon · 22/01/2023 09:09

My experience of this in RL is always the other way round. I've know some hideously controlling women who who only "let" their partners out for a certain amount of time and their partners have to request a "pass" to be allowed out. I've never known it the other way round to be honest. One woman I know even dictates the amount of time her husband goes out for a run for, and kicks off if he's even minutes over! Kids are older not toddlers. It's bullshit.

However YANBU you should be able to go out for a few hours without repercussions.

Show quote history

Well, your friends sound a delightful bunch but the fact you associate with some controlling weirdos isn't a gotcha either 🙄

Woman has a problem with a controlling male partner and some absolute geniuses on here manage to make this about men being hard done by. Brilliant

Heartsofstone · 22/01/2023 09:17

start going out more, do tell him if things change. I suspect you dd not tell him you wanted to stay out longer because you knew he’d had a shitfit.

diddl · 22/01/2023 09:24

4hrs rather than 2hrs in the daytime.

He hates his kids doesn't he?

crossstitchingnana · 22/01/2023 09:25

If this was reversed, a man staying out longer and getting drunk, we'd be calling him selfish.

I think it's a bit of both.

I have done what you did OP and my dh was not happy. He did let me half the lie-in though as I was very hungover.

pictoosh · 22/01/2023 09:28

I mean even if...and I mean if...he's pissed off about the lack of heads up about being later...he'd be over it by now. It's a minor infraction after all. Healthy people deal with those and move on.
Toxic people bed in. They want their pound of flesh and then some. They want to see you suffer.

PrinceHaz · 22/01/2023 09:31

He is being vile. Don’t feel bad. Do you like being with him?

Patineur · 22/01/2023 09:31

Well, you should have let him know, but he's a bit ridiculous treating an extra two hours with his children as if it were some sort of penance. Point out that you were landed with hours more childcare when he slept off his hangover after the Christmas do but you didn't go all sulky on him, so he needs a bit of a sense of proportion.

Have you been a SAHM whilst your DD is little? Have you pointed out all the hours of time you have been spending looking after both children without his help? Most fathers don't view it as some massive imposition to look after their own children for four hours on the occasional weekend.

Courgeon · 22/01/2023 09:35

You should have let him know to be fair but that should be enough. It's the sulking and punishing you the next day that's the worrying bit.

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