DP controlling temp

[UnbelievableJeff1]

So I know I'm not really being unreasonable but I'm more shocked than anything.

So staying at DP as birthday tomorrow. Staying downstairs with DD as she and DP child can't stay in the same room as they would always chat and be awake. Anyway so just woke up and it's absolutely freezing, the heating is off. Went to check the thermostat which lives down stairs and it isn't there!
DP has taken it off the wall so I can't see it or use it. I go upstairs check the thermostat and it says 15 degrees!! I've got asthma DP knows this and very cold air can set it off.

DP wakes up asks what's going on. I explain DP reluctantly puts the heating on. I go to the toilet and back downstairs. The heating switches off within 5 mins, the radiators are hardly warm. I go back up. The thermostat now says 20! I question whys it 20, DP claims to not know. Clearly he has been putting it under the duvet or something. It's clearly not 20.
So I've taken the thermostat out to the hallway, drops instantly to 15 and the heating kicks in.
I understand about heating costs and paying bills. Dp has no trouble with money and its insane to steal the thermostat. I would even pay him for turning it on tonight it's that cold. I told him I was finding the air really hard to breathe and I heard a slight laugh but apparently they didn't laugh.
This has never happened before, he has always left the thermostat downstairs.
Is this controlling? I feel like it is

So, you can just carry on sleeping and she struggles to manage her breathing while her asthma is being triggered?

I'm not Ms Manners but some of you have a spectacularly low bar for hosting.

IMO, it's just as rude to dictate that someone else puts their heating on overnight for you without prior discussion. I would never dream of waking up in the night at someone else's house and checking the thermostat with the view of turning their heating on without permission 😬

If someone has health issues that mean they need the heating on overnight, that's fine, but I'd expect them to be grown up enough to talk to me about it beforehand so that I could turn the heating off in my room, etc.

it wasn't 15 though- it was 15 upstairs where the thermostat is. Who knows what the temp was downstairs because the thermostat wasn't there.

Also any decent man would have given you and your dd his room and taken the couch.

My asthma is triggered at anything under 16 degrees at night, not everyone with asthma is the same, once I realised this and ensured my room was at least 16 degrees at night I stopped having asthma attacks at night. I would much prefer a colder room I get very hot at night but being woken up not being able to breath is worse.

I agree. I'd expect someone with an illness or disability to have already brought up any additional needs. Otherwise I'd just provide a guest with a couple of blankets on top of what I'd normally use. I would not expect to be woken by a guest in the night. In this case, I'd be unable to accommodate the heating required as I wouldn't be able to sleep myself so I would let the person know this and they could choose not to stay.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · Today 11:30
Also any decent man would have given you and your dd his room and taken the couch“

That is a very good point.

Yes. He is being abusive and controlling. He laughed and sneered at your breathing difficulties. He hid the thermostat under the blanket because he doesn’t want your child to be warm.

I’m in Australia and if it’s 11 degrees outside I like to keep a window open.... however, the house is actually warm as the houses heat up during the day and hold the heat. 15 degrees in a room with the windows cold is freezing. The little egg thermostat I have turns blue when it’s under 16 degrees because it’s too cold. Even if it’s 17 degrees it’s too cold.

Your DP derived enjoyment out of your discomfort. He doesn’t care about you.

My partner knows I like the air cooler at night so he turns the aircon off if his room and keeps a window open. He has never tried to control the temperature in the entire house - that’s just cruel.

And it wasn’t just kept under the duvet - it was kept close to his body so that his body heat would keep the thermostat warm so your daughter would be cold. He had to physically pick up the thermostat - take it to his bedroom and hide it from you. He then laughed and sneered when you told him you had breathing difficulties. This guy finds your physical discomfort and inability to breathe properly - funny.

My dd asthma is triggered by breathing in cold air. 15 degrees over night would mean me being up eith her coughing all night and giving inhalers.

I don't understand why posters who don't even have asthma are so convinced they know what triggers symptoms in someone else!!!

And yes that's controlling and mean, laughing T your health would be a last straw for me.

It's right there in the op that he knew this information in advance.

That depends on if the OP does the same at her house.

@greenspaces4peace
@StoppinBy

The difference is that in the UK fuel bills have tripled since last year. So it's costing a fortune to have heating on just for daytime let alone heating the house up at night.

I don't know if Canada and Aus have been affected in the same way.

My monthly payment was for years around £100/110 a month for both gas and electricity. It's now £370. We aren't wasteful & are out a work all day.

I'd just go home
partner or not if I was staying at someone else’s house I wouldn’t demand heating on

thing it’s it very easy when your spending someone else’s money

offering to pay is passive aggressive

It's unclear from the OP if he knew just how easily it was triggered. I could know someone struggled with very cold air but I wouldn't know they needed heating at night in a house that seems to hold the heat well unless they told me.

If anyone hid the thermostat on me, that would be the end of it.

Mean petty controlling misers are not for me.

MrsSkylerWhite, (Btw, curious as to why your partner would chat with your child all night? ) -it's not the DP who would chat with OP's DD all night, it's his own DD. That's why they're separating them.

You know yourself this is odd behaviour.
You wouldn't have made the post if you thought this was normal.

Trust your instincts.

Ah right.

So if someone comes round your house and asks for something that you don't want to give to them and you refuse then you are being "controlling".

There's a big difference to me between being in your own house and not being able to live in the style you want to because your partner is preventing you, and going round someone elses and insisting they meet your requirements.

My take on this is that the guy is used to being in control and having certain things his way without considering anyone elses needs/requirements. That doesn't make him a bad person to me, but it tends to suggest that he would not be a good person to have a live in relationship with if he struggles to accommodate other peoples needs, or accept that relationships are about compromise.

But it's not her house.

It's his house and he clearly doesn't want to have the heating on at night for whatever reason.

She has no right to go fiddling with the heating in someone else's home.

Ah I didn't realise it wasn't her house.

Still, it's all rather petty and mean on his part. If my guest wanted the heating on, i would put it on.

Wouldn't you?

The actual temperature is not the issue here. His controlling, sneaky, frankly unpleasant attitude absolutely is!

It depends on the circumstances.

I wouldn't sit in my own home with the heating on full blast just because a guest preferred it that way, no. However, if they'd spoken to me and said they need it at a certain temperature due to a health condition, then I'd happily oblige and just make sure my room was aired out and had the radiators off in advance so I could get a good night's sleep.

But if they did what OP did and woke me up crashing about in the middle of the night to turn it on without asking me first, I'd probably not feel very hospitable about it, to be honest.

@whataboutsecondbreakfast except you completely made up a few facts for some reason.

1. OP did talk to her partner about her condition and triggers.
2. No one demanded the heating to be full blast.
3. No one banged into things or tried to put the heating on themselves.

What did happen was that her "partner" hid the thermostat, reluctantly put the heating on, then tried to trick OP into thinking it's actually 20 degreed AND laughed when she said she was struggling to breathe. That is no way or form decent,normal or reasonable behaviour. And it has nothing in common with either of the situations you described.

Same.

I'm on the fence on this one. 15 degrees for an overnight temperature sounds more than reasonable. I'm assuming whilst you were up and down in the middle of the night everyone else slept on (or would have) so its just you that wants it warm 24/7.
What is odd though is your partner taking the thermostat upstairs. If he did that deliberately to keep you away from it that indicates to me that there have been previous run ins about the temperature. Also turning it on and then off (assuming that's what he did) is sneaky however it's the middle of the night and he might have done anything to pacify you for an easy life.
As a guest it's reasonable to accommodate your guests comfort but it sounds like you've gone passed being 'guests'. Do you have your house hot during the night? These things sound petty on the face of it, but like larks v owls, savers v spenders or even heavy v light sleepers sometimes it just spells out that you are not compatible enough to spend too much time together.
What reason did he give for taking the thermostat upstairs?