DP controlling temp

[UnbelievableJeff1]

So I know I'm not really being unreasonable but I'm more shocked than anything.

So staying at DP as birthday tomorrow. Staying downstairs with DD as she and DP child can't stay in the same room as they would always chat and be awake. Anyway so just woke up and it's absolutely freezing, the heating is off. Went to check the thermostat which lives down stairs and it isn't there!
DP has taken it off the wall so I can't see it or use it. I go upstairs check the thermostat and it says 15 degrees!! I've got asthma DP knows this and very cold air can set it off.

DP wakes up asks what's going on. I explain DP reluctantly puts the heating on. I go to the toilet and back downstairs. The heating switches off within 5 mins, the radiators are hardly warm. I go back up. The thermostat now says 20! I question whys it 20, DP claims to not know. Clearly he has been putting it under the duvet or something. It's clearly not 20.
So I've taken the thermostat out to the hallway, drops instantly to 15 and the heating kicks in.
I understand about heating costs and paying bills. Dp has no trouble with money and its insane to steal the thermostat. I would even pay him for turning it on tonight it's that cold. I told him I was finding the air really hard to breathe and I heard a slight laugh but apparently they didn't laugh.
This has never happened before, he has always left the thermostat downstairs.
Is this controlling? I feel like it is

England here. It's standard with my friends and family. During winter the heating would be on whenever people are in the house in the day probably switching off/down before you go bed, so any time between say 9 and midnight. The house would cool down gradually. I'm fit and well and don't need to get up in the night but if I do it cold. I run to the loo and straight back into my warm bed no problem. My mums older and regularly gets up so she liwers her thermostat at bedtime, mines completely off. Very rarely have I had heating on through out the night. I have a standard duvet, occasionally with a throw. My home isnt damp.I'm not weighed down. I occasionally stay over at a friend's. I dress in layers as he prefers his house warmer than me. I always have a stuffy nose the next day.

Nrtft but all the posters saying OP doesn't need the heating on obviously know better than the UKHSA and Asthma&Lung UK, who recommend a minimum temperature of 18° at night.

1 - I can't see where she discussed her needs in advance and explained she'd need the heating a set temperature overnight? Apologies if I missed it.

2 - I know, that was a totally separate example.

2 - she says in her OP that she woke him up going upstairs and searching for the thermostat - why would she go looking for it unless the plan was to turn the heating on?

I've also never said his behaviour was reasonable - but it is his house and therefore the decision lies with him. OP is equally free to decide that he's a dick and not stay there again.

Not at night above 15, no. We have it at 14 in the evening. I could turn it up to 18 in the evening, 13 at night if need be. It would then be 15 upstairs (any guest would be in the spare room unless they preferred the sofa). Much warmer than that and I would struggle to sleep. I find CH heat very different to summer heat.

@Athenen0ctua

"Turn it up" to 18 😮. Good god if ours drops below 18 it comes on, day or night. Our evening setting is 20.

It's like the 4 Yorkshiremen around here sometimes. 13? LUXURY!!

It really is sometimes
If I don't heat my bedroom at 18° before bed/overnight, I wake up coughing/wheezy - asthma and COPD. No amount of high tog duvets, electric blankets, hot water bottles or stoicism will change this.

The threshold for what counts as ‘controlling’ on MN is hilariously low.

This bloke sounds like a tightarse about the radiators!

Not at all, that implies some kind of competition.

My preferred temperature was 17 when I moved to the UK. I moved from a 'hot' country where the houses can get very cold in the winter as they are not built to retain heat. Then the energy price rises have meant we have needed to lower the temperature on the thermostat (I am a lone parent on a low income). We have since acclimatised. This means that CH at 18 is now my upper limit for comfort and I need it cooler to sleep. DS runs hotter than me and would likely have his bedroom window wide open at any warmer than 13 downstairs at night (15 upstairs). It's not about being mean or tight or any kind of competition.

It's not about the heating really
Your DP is unkind and selfish
Hiding the thermostat and sneering at you are not the actions of a caring partner
It's also a bit strange IMO that you and DD are downstairs in an open plan room which is obviously colder than a bedroom
Have a think if this is typical behaviour, if it is dump him

I'd go fucking spare if someone hid my thermostat. And 15° is cold for indoor room temp!!!!!!

Right, but it's not OP's thermostat. It's not her house!

@whataboutsecondbreakfast

He still sounds like a twat

It's in the bathroom at the moment because it's the coldest room. We find it's naturally warmer in the hallway so it doesn't come on when we are feeling cold in the living room. If we move it to the coldest room it comes on before we start feeling colder in the bigger rooms without us having to turn it higher. Madness but it works.

I don't disagree, but ultimately it's his home.

If OP doesn't like how he treats her when she visits, she's free to stay home and end the relationship.

How often do you go into other people's houses telling them what temperature to have their thermostat on?

“Steal the thermostat” erm who from? It is his, and in his home. It hasn’t been taken from anybody.

When you went upstairs the first time, where exactly was the thermostat? When you went up the second time, where exactly was it?

@ShakespearesBlister
I don't but I wouldnt go out with someone like this. If I have guests the first thing I check is if they are happy with the temperature. I know cost of living and all that but I'm not going to sit and freeze if I can afford to put the heating on and I wouldn't expect anyone else to either.

He sounds odd but I don't like the heating on overnight as the noise keeps waking me up

What is yours set to? If I said I was actually feeling a bit hot and I'd be more comfortable at 16 would you be happy to accommodate?

Yeah, I'd be happy for a guest to open a window. I wouldn't hide the key around the house and I wouldn't sneak it shut when they weren't looking either.

@Athenen0ctua

I'd have to open a window then as with my heating off the lowest my stat goes down to is 19°c but yes if a guest was too hot I would open a window

My heating only comes on at night it it's below 14°. We are all tucked up and warm under duvets so it would be a waste. It's basically off between about 10:30 pm and 7am.

He's a fucking dick

Take the temperature out of the conversation, take the asthma out the conversation. He hid the thermostat!!! He sounds like a horrible manipulative bastard. Run for the hills while you can.

Hi everyone thanks for your replies. Just like to cleat some stuff up.

1. We have discussed this matter before in the past. The cold air has triggered my cough pretty bad in the past. I've either moved to his DC bed when they have been with their mother. Or I've put mu head under the covers. I've explained that it can trigger my asthma.
2. For the people saying in dramatic. People experience asthma differently. For me that's a trigger and yes it does hurt my chest and make me cough.
3. It say 15 in the bedroom and I'm pretty sure it was colder downstairs
4. Yes it was DP birthday today and it's a bit difficult to leave with a young child in the middle of the night.
5. I didn't want the heating on all night. I know that's an unreasonable request. I just wanted a shirt blast of heating to take the chill out of the air. It does really help. I actually get a headache too if it's too hot during the night.
6. I was wearing full pj trousers and top. I had a duvet and a blanket but was still cold.
7. I don't usually "demand" anything. However it was making me feel unwell so I said something. Which I thought DP would also understand because I would he understanding if it was the other way.
8. The 1st time I went up it was on the bedside table. 2nd time I went up it was in the same place. However I think DP heard me open the door to come up the stairs.
9. Has he done other stuff like this? Erm he does like things his way I guess and gets moody if it's not his way. As he's told me he has his mum wrapped around his finger but it's annoying that I'm not wrapped around his, so he says.