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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Husband and kids forgot my Birthday

359 replies

NowYouTellMe · 21/01/2023 16:33

Feeling disappointed that my Husband and teenage to adult kids forgot my Birthday.

OP posts:
Justbefair · 22/01/2023 20:07

I guess you don't put it on calendar, make a bit of fuss beforehand? Sorry but yes this is awful of them, one date a year! Dh needs to get a grip, it's important. You do need to drop comments maybe about what you would like but he should also bloody know!

GrasstrackGirl · 22/01/2023 20:18

QueSyrahSyrah · 22/01/2023 19:58

No they shouldn't, and most people don't, or don't have to, because the subject has come up some other way through natural conversation in the preceding days.

Don't you agree that for someone who would like the day acknowledged by their family, that to not acknowledge it themselves, at all, is a little odd?

Show quote history

No I don't agree.

I tell DH what I'd like to do for my birthday when it's approaching as he'll ask, but I do not remind him or any other family members when it is, why should I? They are more than capable of remembering.

Xmasbaby11 · 22/01/2023 20:23

That's sad OP, there's really no excuse for them forgetting.

QueSyrahSyrah · 22/01/2023 20:28

@GrasstrackGirl And if he didn't ask? And hadn't ask by the day before, or the day itself?

Would you point it out so the day could be salvaged, or just seethe in silence?

threecupsofteaminimum · 22/01/2023 20:35

Unforgivable.

They get sweet fuck all out of me out of me following that, twice as well.

Piss take.

Sending you a big belated birthday hug xx

GrasstrackGirl · 22/01/2023 20:38

QueSyrahSyrah · 22/01/2023 20:28

@GrasstrackGirl And if he didn't ask? And hadn't ask by the day before, or the day itself?

Would you point it out so the day could be salvaged, or just seethe in silence?

I can't answer that as my DH has always asked.

Because he's not a dickhead.

Sluttypants · 22/01/2023 20:44

It really sucks they forgot, and there’s no excuse, but I never understand why people don’t remind their kids/so. It would save on the upset.

Newcast80 · 22/01/2023 21:06

They don't value you. Time to rip it up them and make it clear, either they start respecting and valuing you or birthdays and christmas from now on are cancelled for everyone.

Telibarb · 22/01/2023 21:09

Some of the comments here are bonkers. Pretty much everyone over the age of 12 has a mobile phone these days, and they all have a calendar app. There is absolutely no excuse for forgetting anyone's birthday, let alone your spouse or your parents. What thoughtless selfish creatures the OP's husband/kids are.

Pootle40 · 22/01/2023 21:54

Magicpaintbrush · 22/01/2023 20:07

If you love and care about someone who is of great significance in your life then you remember their birthday, you are responsible for not fucking it up and thoughtlessly forgetting - more so if it's somebody as important as your wife or mother. Maybe you forget if it's Kevin from work's birthday, but forgetting your own wife's is absolutely shitty. And NO she shouldn't be the one to have to remind them, ffs, and those suggesting it's petty or whatever of her not to remind them, wtaf. No. That's just making excuses for the shitness and thoughtlessness of her family. All they had to do was write it on the calendar, acknowledge it, it's not difficult. I'm with you OP, you are not wrong to expect your own family to care. And there are some people being absolute nobheads to you on this thread. I think some posters on MN literally trawl this site looking for people to stick the boot into.

100% this.

Mossley · 22/01/2023 22:18

I'd cook them a 'non-existent' dinner, present them with empty bowls at the dinner table, utter the words 'F* you' and glide immediately out of the house to treat yourself to dinner with friends, but maybe I'm just a grouch.

Icanflyhigh · 22/01/2023 22:43

NowYouTellMe · 21/01/2023 17:14

I don’t expect them to make it up to me, it wasn’t malicious, just overlooked. I don’t seem to matter anymore

I'm sorry this is so sad. I'd be devastated if my DH and kids forgot mine x

Kellymm88 · 22/01/2023 22:54

Don’t be upset. It doesn’t mean they don’t care, or love you, it’s just been missed. Which I don’t agree with at all, but don’t rad too much into it. I get that it hurts none the less.
being honest, I’m not totally sure how to rectify it; but don’t take it to heart

T1Dmama · 23/01/2023 02:34

It’s devastating OP…
my (now ex) husband NEVER remembered my birthday…. Not once we had a child anyway!!… I have literally always had to say ‘do you need to go in the card factory ?!? And he’d say ‘why is it your birthday coming up?!…. I’d then have to say it’s my birthday/Mother’s Day etc and get him to take our daughter in to choose cards… as she got older she’d get up and be all upset because he hadn’t got her anything to give me on my birthday/Mother’s Day etc and he’d be at work so she couldn’t even dash out with him to get something last minute… I told her it was ok as she was the best gift, but she was so upset and said I should have something…. As years passed she would ask him to take her to get something and he’d venture to Tesco!….
I didn’t really mind not getting anything but it’s the complete lack of effort …. Like he didn’t care!!! One year we were walking through a village and my daughter said sadly ‘I haven’t got you anything for your birthday tomorrow and I keep asking daddy but he just keeps saying next week etc…. Even my first Mother’s Day when my daughter was about 4 months old he never thought to buy me a gift!! And my first Mother’s Day was a HUGE thing for me as I’d been trying to conceive for 11 years and had done 4 failed IVF rounds…..
I will add I always made sure he had a card and a little something from our daughter to open his birthday/Father’s Day etc… I also bought and sent all the cards to his family every year…. And actually despite being broken up I still sent cards to everyone as think it’s the right thing to do after a 20 year relationship…. I also still sent presents to the paternal grandparents from my daughter and even something to him! I’m not sure if I’m a mug or just the better person!!! They thanked my daughter but didn’t acknowledge me (even though the gifts were blatantly obviously done by and paid for by me..
I do struggle with how thoughtless people can be!! It’s costa nothing these days to send a text or Facebook message to someone… and pretty much all phone contracts are unlimited calls these days…
sometimes I wish I could be a person who says ‘right he never bothered so I won’t bother’… but when the day is approaching I just can’t do it .. can’t be that petty!

Darlingx · 23/01/2023 05:46

My partner never remembers the date of my Birthday or his mothers . We have been together a decade and still he can’t remember the date he knows the month now at least but never the date. So this year I played down his birthday but my family stepped in and made up the fan fare I don’t understand why adult males have this brain freeze on acknowleding birthdays but I also stopped reminding and buying a card for his mothers . He did go and buy her a card but no parcel was sent I usually buy her things and sent them but why ? This admin befalls the woman so I have gradually stopped its because I just realised I have a million invisible admin tasks that clutter up my brain and slow me down he had outsourced it all to me as tradition allows like I am supposed to be his PA but where was mine ?

Darlingx · 23/01/2023 06:03

Your birthday hug 🤗xx I know exactly how u felt . Your birth date is significant to the family . That family unit wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you. You literally carried them into this world .As others have said they need to pause from being wrapped up in themselves and give you the heartfelt hug because they are so lucky to have you in their lives and your not to be taken for granted anymore. I would be completely unsubtle about this requirement and make it very visible

BMrs · 23/01/2023 06:18

I remember watching some sitcom where a birthday was forgotten and I always thought, why didn't anyone mention it in the run up to the birthday.

I can't imagine not saying, 'shall we go for a meal for my birthday next week' or 'have you planned anything for my birthday'. Did you purposely not mention anything to test if they would forget?

nobird · 23/01/2023 07:31

Really weird that so many think OP is at fault here and not the inconsiderate family. She should not have to do any form of hint-dropping, discussing or reminding about her birthday. She’s said they don’t go big on celebrations and gifts but having her birthday acknowledged (phone call, popping in to see her etc) would at least remind OP she is thought about and valued. And she should not have to plant seeds in people’s heads for that. The people who are meant to love her the most in this world should not be forgetting about her birthday. It’s inexcusable.

OP, I’m glad you told them that their behaviour and lack of forethought upset you. I hope they treat you better in future.

nobird · 23/01/2023 07:34

And all these people saying they suggest to their partners and families that they go for a meal or do something to celebrate - not everyone lives their lives like you. You are not the default.

It is not martyrdom for a person to just expect those that purport to love them to just remember the bloody date they were born and acknowledge it, without requiring weeks of chat about it and organising an event.

vinoinveritas · 23/01/2023 07:37

Sorry to hear this op. If it’s any consolation, you are not alone. My husband normally remembers - but barely. Has done a rush down the garage the night before (or that morning) for sh*te flowers a couple of times. Never any real thought or anything special. Early on in in our marriage he made me cry in the restaurant on my birthday (for taking too long to get ready!) He just ranted on about it all through the meal and ruined it so much it put me off going out to dinner ever again on my birthday! Now I always try and arrange something with a friend to do on my birthday or I visit my parents that day so I know I won’t feel too upset and it’s a ‘back up’. Maybe try that next year

AmIThatMam · 23/01/2023 07:45

If you are not that bothered about presents, I would say next year the day before. Hey it’s my birthday tomorrow, why don’t we get a takeaway? That’s not setting them up to fail, as they don’t need to plan or do anything.
happy birthday 🥳

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 23/01/2023 07:46

nobird · 23/01/2023 07:34

And all these people saying they suggest to their partners and families that they go for a meal or do something to celebrate - not everyone lives their lives like you. You are not the default.

It is not martyrdom for a person to just expect those that purport to love them to just remember the bloody date they were born and acknowledge it, without requiring weeks of chat about it and organising an event.

Of course we're not the default.

But we're also not the ones coming on here upset because nobody has acknowledged our birthdays 🤷🏻‍♀️

ipullmyhairout · 23/01/2023 08:29

nobird · 23/01/2023 07:31

Really weird that so many think OP is at fault here and not the inconsiderate family. She should not have to do any form of hint-dropping, discussing or reminding about her birthday. She’s said they don’t go big on celebrations and gifts but having her birthday acknowledged (phone call, popping in to see her etc) would at least remind OP she is thought about and valued. And she should not have to plant seeds in people’s heads for that. The people who are meant to love her the most in this world should not be forgetting about her birthday. It’s inexcusable.

OP, I’m glad you told them that their behaviour and lack of forethought upset you. I hope they treat you better in future.

Agree with this

Tygger · 23/01/2023 08:32

Happy birthday 🎂 I'm quite happy to have my birthday forgotten, but I would never forget my partners, children or parents birthdays,even the the in laws.😉

Patineur · 23/01/2023 08:44

Pootle40 · 22/01/2023 19:50

Why should she have to - how ridiculous

Show quote history

She shouldn't have to. But she has a family that doesn't remember. That may be just because they're forgetful and/or inconsiderate, it may be because she treats birthdays in such a low key way, but that's the fact. It doesn't hurt to mention that, say, you're going to have a lazy day because it's your birthday or whatever.