AIBU to carry on ‘white’ lie about crispy aromatic duck to the DC?

[KellyJs]

If you’re looking for a thought provoking thread this isn’t it, but I am not sure what to do and looking for outside help, as my family just laugh when I try and ask them for advice.

I love a Chinese takeaway, part of the order (as is most peoples right?!) is a 1/4 crispy aromatic duck. DH had pet ducks growing up, and when I first ordered a Chinese takeaway in the early days of our relationship he got quite upset about the duck (he had never had a Chinese before) and refused to eat it.

So ever since then when I’ve ordered a Chinese for myself I’ve told a white lie that my starter is actually crispy pork, and that I took on his feedback re the duck being upsetting for him. He doesn’t eat the pork/duck so I’m not lying to him about something he consumes, but to avoid the unnecessary hurt I thought it was a harmless white lie at the time.

This has now been going on for 12 years, my family are involved, as when we order as a group they all keep up the pretence it’s pork.

However, I’m not sure what to do now DC are at an age they participate in family takeaway nights.

Do I keep up the lie, and tell them it’s pork, as if I tell them the truth one of them will blab to their dad, and my whole porky palace of lies will crumble around me.

I know I’m unreasonable for letting it get this far, but I can’t go back in time.

So AIBU to also lie to the children about the duck?

YABU - you need to come clean to everyone involved

YANBU - it’s to late now, keep lying until you die

Well it’s a good thing he has never tried to tell me what I can and can’t eat.

Goodness me, some on here are super harsh this afternoon

I think he's going to feel pretty humiliated to find out you and your family have been lying to him and laughing about him for 12 years.

These ducks aren't his pets so why would it upset him to begin with.

To be fair, I think a lot of dog-owners would be upset if their partner ate fried border collie now and then. It wouldn't matter that the border collies in question weren't their pets.

Hang on, your husband?!
I read the op quickly and assumed you had lied to a small child and were now trying to work out if they were old enough to be told the truth.

A fully grown man, that's just weird

I'm surprised at the number of people saying the OP's husband needs to "man up", calling him a hypocrite for eating other meat. Yes, it is hypocritical, but come on - how many cat and dog owners are there on MN? I really doubt they're all vegans or even vegetarians. Should they not object to having cat/dog meat in the house unless they themselves are vegans?

This is completely ridiculous. Pigs are far more intelligent than ducks and the justification for factory-farming and killing them weaker, not stronger. I totally respect the arguments for vegetarianism but if you're going to eat meat, at least be fucking honest about it. The suffering involved in the living being ending up on your table is not influenced by whether it looks like an amorphous blob of mince or something with a cutesy-wutsey little face that reminds you of the cutesy-wutsey little pet you grew up with. As a carnivore I may be less morally upstanding than vegetarians, but people who judge the ethics of meat eating according to how badly it undermines their Disney fantasies are the worst.

Just order the fucking duck. If your DH has a problem with it then ask him if he wants the household, including himself, to go vegetarian. If he does, have a full and frank conversation about it and decide what you want to do. If he doesn't, then tell him to get over himself and understand that the beef on his plate is not Bessie The Beloved Bovine either, but just some miserable beast with far more self awareness than a duck, that was slaughtered for his pleasure.

Oh this is hilarious OP. Don't give up the crispy duck! If I were you I'd just carry on the subterfuge (even with the dc). Carry on calling it crispy pork

"I've just discovered my DW has been lying to me for our entire relationship. It's about an utterly trivial thing, but on a very regular basis, including complicated subterfuge to keep the lie going. Now I feel I can't trust her at all. Literally anything she says or does could be yet more deceit. She even got our family and friends to lie for her, so now I can't trust them either. I feel so stupid and humiliated. Our whole life together is a sham. What should I do?"

I wouldn't like it if I knew someone who ate dog but I understand many people do and I certainly wouldn't be stopping them doing so because I have a dog. I can make the distinction between my pets and the animals others eat as food. Just in the same way as if I had chickens and others ate them. They aren't my chickens they are just chickens.

I was also going to use the cat analogy. I'd rather not know if someone is eating cat or dog around me. When I was in Thailand I had to ask people to pretend they had bags of sweets and it was the sweet man they ran to when he rang his bell. It was bags of bugs. My favourite animals are reindeer, but I love all deer meat. I've always had pet rabbits but love to eat them. I'm a terrible person. Stick with the lie OP.

It's not trivial to him though

If he really has a thing about it, like it's equivalent to eating his pet dog I would go with it. By all means if she wanted to eat duck she should have just told him in the first place, but is it worth ruining a happy relationship over now? She's already boxed herself into a corner and lied for years, I think she's looking for a dignified way to get out of it, without having to admit to consistently lying.

Just say the takeaway has stopped making crispy pork and that you will now eat duck.

Stop eating duck, if your husband finds out he will be so upset especially given his childhood and he’ll probably wonder what else you’ve been lying about or don’t care about.

Its an essential or common food item, so it’s easy to avoid. There are so many nice options on a Chinese takeaway anyway!

You can always have it if you go out with friends / family / alone, so it’s not like you have to deprive yourself forever.

To be fair that's a solid Chinese order, we all share here so a bit of egg fried rice, chicken and mushroom and you're sorted

But also has he never read the menu?

You all need to become vegetarians NOW before you get found out! 😂

This is hilarious 😂

All for some crispy duck 😂😂😂

Lying to him for so long is not on . Leave him and let him find someone who won’t lie and will also respect his love for Huey Dewey and Louie. 🐤

You can’t fess up, I’m sorry. You’re going to have to stop eating it or lie forever!

As a similar-ish example, I’m terrified of spiders. When I was a kid I asked my dad to kill a spider in my room and he said he got it, then it reappeared later. Turned out he had never got it, it ran away, but he lied to make me feel better. After that I could never really trust that the spiders were gone when he said they were gone! When we moved in together, I made my husband SWEAR to me that he would never lie about spiders- if you can’t catch it, ok, but tell me the truth so I can treat that room with appropriate caution. It’s so trivial but if I ever found out he lied to me about spiders I would be devastated 😂

My DM used to lie to us about her rabbit casserole and say it was chicken, we could always tell but we were actually eating it!
Your DH isn’t eating it so you’re doing home no harm, I’d carry on.
Really fancy some now!

We don't actually know how big a deal it is to him now. All we know is that TWELVE YEARS ago, on an early date, he didn't like that OP was eating duck. Maybe it was just conversation, he was sharing a memory and what bothered that day. Or maybe he'd have refused to get more involved with someone who ate duck. We'll never know, because OP took that choice away from him. He thinks he's married to someone who doesn't eat duck, ever, not any more.

I think the sheer scale of lying far outstrips what the lie is about.

The first time we had duck with the children we didn’t tell them what it was until after we had finished the meal. DS was fine, DD was devastated. I’d tell them, it’s gone on long enough and they should know what they’re eating.

Yep at the time the OP could either have never eaten duck or said I am sorry but I like it and will continue eating it

she didn’t she lied all this time - one suspects because overtime she has realised that his attachment to ducks relates to his abusive childhood and that it is important to him as not eating rabbit is to her