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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to carry on ‘white’ lie about crispy aromatic duck to the DC?

290 replies

KellyJs · 21/01/2023 12:51

If you’re looking for a thought provoking thread this isn’t it, but I am not sure what to do and looking for outside help, as my family just laugh when I try and ask them for advice.

I love a Chinese takeaway, part of the order (as is most peoples right?!) is a 1/4 crispy aromatic duck. DH had pet ducks growing up, and when I first ordered a Chinese takeaway in the early days of our relationship he got quite upset about the duck (he had never had a Chinese before) and refused to eat it.

So ever since then when I’ve ordered a Chinese for myself I’ve told a white lie that my starter is actually crispy pork, and that I took on his feedback re the duck being upsetting for him. He doesn’t eat the pork/duck so I’m not lying to him about something he consumes, but to avoid the unnecessary hurt I thought it was a harmless white lie at the time.

This has now been going on for 12 years, my family are involved, as when we order as a group they all keep up the pretence it’s pork.

However, I’m not sure what to do now DC are at an age they participate in family takeaway nights.

Do I keep up the lie, and tell them it’s pork, as if I tell them the truth one of them will blab to their dad, and my whole porky palace of lies will crumble around me.

I know I’m unreasonable for letting it get this far, but I can’t go back in time.

So AIBU to also lie to the children about the duck?

YABU - you need to come clean to everyone involved

YANBU - it’s to late now, keep lying until you die

OP posts:
Original poster
KellyJs · 21/01/2023 13:21

bigbluebus · 21/01/2023 13:14

I blame his parents.
I remember when my DNs were small, they took me into their garden to see their rabbits. There were 2 lots. I was told this lot have names and are pets and this lot are dinner! I suspect both lots ended up in the freezer though! They are adults now and we are regularly served up meals of all sorts of animals who have been running around their parent's smallholding.

Your DH needs to man up and you need to stop lying to him. He's a meat eater so it's not as if he's against eating animals.

I also blame his parents, but in a different way.

They were incredibly abusive so he had to make do with his animal ‘friends’ for comfort, hence his deep duck love - god I’m an awful person for lying about this.

OP posts:
DDivaStar · 21/01/2023 13:21

Good grief you are both grown adults, he doesn't get to dictate what you eat because of his childhood pet !

Tell H you can't get pork anymore so are having duck. Tell your kids its duck, if they eat it is their choice.

Tbh you're all being unreasonable.

MajorCarolDanvers · 21/01/2023 13:21

It's been 12 years he may have grown up / past the duck trauma.

Maybe you could ask him f you can now eat duck in his presence?

Mischance · 21/01/2023 13:21

I used to make rabbit stew - I called it "poultry" for the benefit of the children, who had a bunny in a hutch.

WeepingSomnambulist · 21/01/2023 13:22

Your husband must be quite thick of he thinks crispy duck pancakes are actually pork.
They dont even look the same colour.

This whole thing is just stupid.

Original poster
KellyJs · 21/01/2023 13:23

WeepingSomnambulist · 21/01/2023 13:22

Your husband must be quite thick of he thinks crispy duck pancakes are actually pork.
They dont even look the same colour.

This whole thing is just stupid.

When I’ve googled pulled pork to try and continue the lie, it does look very similar!

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 21/01/2023 13:24

GolfEchoRomeoTangoIndia · 21/01/2023 13:10

The time to make that choice would have been twelve years ago though. It's very difficult to take the "you should behave like a grownup" high ground if you've been voluntarily taking part in a childish (albeit amusing) subterfuge for twelve years.

Show quote history

Well - yeah, Golf! Which also makes me wonder what other contortions OP puts herself through just to appease her H.

But there is NOTHING to stop her ordering duck now, for herself & DC.
She could then either brazen it out, or keep pretending that she hasn't eaten duck for 12 years but has now changed her mind. Or wants the DC to try it, & not be constrained by the fact of her H's childhood pet ...

R0ckets · 21/01/2023 13:25

So he happily eats Indian food but can't find a single thing on the Chinese menu to eat?

DillDanding · 21/01/2023 13:25

My only take from this is that your husband must be as thick as a plank.

How can an adult not know the difference between pork and duck?

Does it not come on the carcass ready to be shredded like every Chinese takeaway I’ve ever ordered?

Can he not read the menu or get involved in the order?

Emmamoo89 · 21/01/2023 13:26

This is too funny 🤣🤣 I love crispy duck!

helloelsie · 21/01/2023 13:26

Yabu

Original poster
KellyJs · 21/01/2023 13:27

R0ckets · 21/01/2023 13:25

So he happily eats Indian food but can't find a single thing on the Chinese menu to eat?

well yes, but you could say the same for me, I happily eat Chinese food but can’t find anything on an Indian menu to eat.

People have different food preferences, shocker.

OP posts:
HappinessDragon · 21/01/2023 13:29

Oh OP! You're driving yourself quackers ducking and diving like this! 😂

Next time he goes to order fish and chips, make sure to tell him about your beloved childhood goldfish and how you miss his funny fishy personality even after all these years. You've fought the trauma every time he has ordered but now you can fight no more!

If you're not devouring duck, he's not finding Nemo.

BitOutOfPractice · 21/01/2023 13:29

“Porky palace of lies” 😂

Original poster
KellyJs · 21/01/2023 13:30

DillDanding · 21/01/2023 13:25

My only take from this is that your husband must be as thick as a plank.

How can an adult not know the difference between pork and duck?

Does it not come on the carcass ready to be shredded like every Chinese takeaway I’ve ever ordered?

Can he not read the menu or get involved in the order?

Not thick, highly intelligent if not a bit too trusting of his loving wife.

He doesn’t eat pork himself so has nothing to compare it to, I’ve shown him pictures of pulled pork, which does look very similar to the duck we get from the Chinese (once it’s been quickly removed from the bone and shredded up)

He can read the menu but since he doesn’t really order from it, he hasn’t looked in detail, he just goes straight to the back where the fish and chips bit is (as like all good Chinese takeaways they also operate as a fish and chip shop!)

Its a case of him not really needing to question it, as why would someone lie about the meat in their starter (gah)

OP posts:
Livinginanotherworld · 21/01/2023 13:30

This is hilarious, lie ‘till you die 😂

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 21/01/2023 13:31

I think your DH was unreasonable to object to you ordering something you love - you weren’t forcing him to eat it, so what was the problem ? And I think you were unreasonable to lie to him about it - for the simple reason that you should have known that you would be found out at some point.

From your post, it doesn’t sound like your DH has a problem with eating meat, so forgive me but I think it’s a bit childish of a grown man to get upset like this - it’s not as though you were eating his pet is it ? If you don’t want him to find out, stop ordering it. Personally I’d just adopt the viewpoint of a parent telling a child there’s no such thing as Father Christmas, and tell him !!

ODFOx · 21/01/2023 13:31

You need to switch to Indian food and order Bombay Duck. He will love it and all will be well. The added bonus is that it will skew the meaning of 'duck' in all cuisines for ever.

BitOutOfPractice · 21/01/2023 13:32

@Greentree1 crispy duck pancakes are most definitely worth any amount of hassle!

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 21/01/2023 13:33

ODFOx · 21/01/2023 13:31

You need to switch to Indian food and order Bombay Duck. He will love it and all will be well. The added bonus is that it will skew the meaning of 'duck' in all cuisines for ever.

Is Bombay Duck actually fish, or am I confusing it with something else ?

amylou8 · 21/01/2023 13:33

If he eats other meat then he's a hypocrite. Tell him you've been enjoying Daffy with a bit of housin for 12 years.

Original poster
KellyJs · 21/01/2023 13:34

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 21/01/2023 13:31

I think your DH was unreasonable to object to you ordering something you love - you weren’t forcing him to eat it, so what was the problem ? And I think you were unreasonable to lie to him about it - for the simple reason that you should have known that you would be found out at some point.

From your post, it doesn’t sound like your DH has a problem with eating meat, so forgive me but I think it’s a bit childish of a grown man to get upset like this - it’s not as though you were eating his pet is it ? If you don’t want him to find out, stop ordering it. Personally I’d just adopt the viewpoint of a parent telling a child there’s no such thing as Father Christmas, and tell him !!

Issue is I’d be upset if he ordered rabbit stew, as I love rabbits, had them as pets, we have house rabbits currently etc. so i think due to seeing it from his side I keep wanting to lie, as I know how upset I’d be if he told me he had been eating rabbit for our entire relationship in secret.

Obviously if I cared that much I’d stop ordering duck, but it’s just too good.

OP posts:
ODFOx · 21/01/2023 13:35

just be grateful he didn't have a pet pig!

Velvetween · 21/01/2023 13:35

Does anyone else in the wider family eat duck? Could they order it and ‘introduce’ it to you and the kids? In front of DH….Then you can all declare how yummy it is and have a convo with DH about how you might order duck again. Perhaps with wider family around he might tone down his emotional reaction.

It’s that or chuck the duck.

WeepingSomnambulist · 21/01/2023 13:35

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 21/01/2023 13:33

Is Bombay Duck actually fish, or am I confusing it with something else ?

Show quote history

You should try Fifth Avenue Cold Duck.
It's a very tasty fizzy wine!

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