Teenage boys ruined my carpets - should I contact their parents?

[thecranberries]

My 16 yr old DC had a birthday party last night. About 40 teenagers attending. Fine. My DC is responsible as are her friends. I went out, obviously, and came back at 11.30pm.

I found a bunch of girls mopping my wooden floor and stone kitchen floor, two girls picking up clumps of mud, one girl vacuuming up mud (ruined my Dyson as mud was wet) and various other girls using towels to wipe down what they could.

My DC told me what boys had done: they'd gone into the garden beyond the decking, despite being told repeatedly not to do so. They went into my garden shed and took out garden spade, fork and rake and just dumped them into garden, leaving shed door open. They ruined my lawn. And they'd repeatedly gone in and out - they all wear those clumpy trainers - and just spread the mud. (It's been very wet recently).

After being told many times not to do so, she finally told all the boys to leave, and as they were doing so, some attempted to filch things from my home, so DC and a few other girls checked the boy's pockets before ejecting them.

All the girls responsible, well behaved, and considerate. All the boys - led by one especially - irresponsible, disrespectful, boarish, and the lead boy - simply kept laughing when asked to behave responsibly and not rile up the others.

So, AIBU to call the parents of the lead boy and tell them exactly what their DS is like? I have to pay for my carpets and rugs to be cleaned and spend my day deep cleaning my home from debris I had not factored in rather than just the normal tidy up.

I know my DC will be extremely embarrassed at my actions, ie calling the parents of lead boy - but at the same time, I am left with an unexpected bill and extra work at a particularly time-poor moment in my week.

Just for record, all boys come from 'nice' families, and go to very good state and private schools.

WWYD?

I am most interested in what the perceived relevance of the schools they go to is supposed to be, and what you mean by saying they are from "nice" families? I'm hopefully wrong, but am concerned that you are implying they are middle class kids and thus you would have higher expectations of them than you would of working class kids? Is that what you are saying?

(As an aside, I don't think it's that unreasonable for you to have expected 16 year olds not to intentionally trash your house by the way. And I don't have teenagers, but I do work with them! They are young adults, not animals.)

Yep.

But no bloody way would I just accept a random woman calling me about my son and accusing him of this, without asking him, and if he denied… then I’d ask for proof and if none… ask she not contact me again.

Then I’d deal with my boy for fibbing to me if he had!

The boys at dds party were a credit to their parents

Before you go telling their parents I’d ensure you have the full story beforehand. Why did your daughter and the other girls tell them repeatedly and check their pockets? When someone started trashing the lawn and trying to steal why did they not phone you immediately? It sounds like it was dealt with badly.

Ok so the standard thing for a big teen party is you stay on site, in a separate room where guests don’t realise you’re there but your child can come and fetch you when there’s a problem.

The mess was inevitable given you left the site and there were 40 guests?! Way way too big a party for age 16.

But the attempts at theft are another thing entirely. Where boys tried to steal from your home I would contact their parents yes unless this was likely to create a bullying situation at DD’s school.

I think you are bonkers for leaving 40 teens in your house. But it being a recipe for disaster does not mean you should just keep quiet. Teens need to know when their behaviour is unacceptable and face the consequences.
I would want to know if my son had done that, and I would expect him to apologise and help to put things right.

40 teenagers in your house and you went out? When I had my 16th I had 10 people round and my parents were upstairs.
I can't believe any parent would go out and leave 40 children alone. I think this must be a wind up. If it's real then it's your fault so don't call the parents.

We had a similar experience. We'd vacated the premises for sons 18th b'day party.

One teenage guest arrived drunk, and immediately did some damage to antique furniture (to the utter mortification of the host DS, it ruined the party for him). I said to DS "Tell X, I'll get it professionally repaired and send him the invoice". DS sent the message and X verbally agreed. He had a Saturday job; and ample opportunity to earn, so the cost was within his reach; but despite several reminders, months later he still hadn't paid up. So I copied the invoice to his parents with explanation; and received their cheque by return post. With their gratitude for informing, and saying that they'd cancelled the kids pocket money until he repaid them.

I'd tell the parents. When our own teen sons misbehaved we most certainly wanted to know so we could do something about it.

Is this the version of events relayed to you by your DD and her friends?

This is what happens when you let your 16 year old have an unsupervised house party inviting 40 people.

It’s not nasty boys v lovely girls. It’s a bunch of young people behaving in an entirely predictable way (in fact, you’re lucky it’s just mud). Then the girls who stayed trying to clean up in the morning and telling you that it was just those awful boys. They’d never do such a terrible thing but they couldn’t stop them.

Hire a carpet cleaner. Make your DD operate it. Sort your lawn out in the spring. And don’t let your DD have house parties in future.
Because this is what happens.

It seems that teenage house-parties haven't changed much in the last 45 years then!

I well remember one where a couple fell through a ceiling into the room below.

Apologies, I read it wrong. When she said "Just for record, all boys come from 'nice' families, and go to very good state and private schools".

I think it's even worse that OP wasn't supervising if she didn't know all the teenagers in her house.

"My 16 yr old DC had a birthday party last night. About 40 teenagers attending. Fine. My DC is responsible as are her friends. I went out, obviously, and came back at 11.30pm."

You went out obviously??!! Leaving 40 teenagers unsupervised? What were you thinking?

You got off lightly. As PP said it could have been far worse.

I wouldn't.

DD1 went to a party a few weeks ago and the toilet overflowed, then the handle fell off, one of the windows broke and a picture fell off the wall and broke.

She was helping tidy up and the parents were in the background angry but pretty much staying in their bedroom.

I'd get a RugDoctor and get the DC to clean the carpets and chalk it up as experience.

”I went out, obviously,”
You lost me here…
What made you think you could leave teenagers unsupervised?
Mother of a 16 year old boy here and have had a few gatherings at home… always open the door so I know who is in my house and they know who I am and that I’m in the house (even if I am upstairs).

I wouldn't contact the parents personally. If I'm honest, I think it was a spectacular error of judgement on your part to allow a party with 40 x 16/17 year olds to happen in your home supervised. Not really fair on your DC either to leave them to try to control those sorts of numbers - it must have ruined their birthday.

The argument of “it’s your fault, what do you expect from 40 teens” is the equivalent argument as girls wearing revealing clothes are ‘asking for it. Victim blaming.

Muddy carpets are not the "equivalent" to rape. Ridiculous.

This happened to someone I know. The aftermath included someone had vomited in the boxes of cereal in the pantry, opened the freezer and tipped most of the contents on the floor and lit a bonfire on the new patio burning books and the kitchen stools.
I don’t understand anyone leaving hoards of teenagers unsupervised however loosely.
Too many become completely feral when they’re in a crowd.

I have no comment about whether OP raises a stink & tells other parents. I think OP has more important decisions than that. I suppose there were 20 girls & 20 boys.

All the males and only the males were awful (including any teenage males that OP lives with). Every single female was nice. And OP knows this because.... the people who told OP this are utterly reliable and didn't exaggerate & kept perfect track of everyone else constantly. Since OP wasn't there to keep track simultaneously of all 40 kids at once. But the drunk kids themselves did keep perfect track of each other: well, the nice ones did.

Dunno why you'd ever allow a single male across your threshold after that.
Any resident males in your home should move out too.

I find it incredible that someone wouldn't contact the parents over this. The 'lead boy' is 16, not 6. He's practically an adult. Don't let him get away with this kind of shit behaviour.

Don't clean up yourself - your DD needs to clean the carpet etc her party, her friends, her mess,

If her friends help her then that is great but it is her job to clean up not yours

However, you were mad to go out and leave them alone and not expect chaos so it is partly your fault too

I would chalk this up to experience.

I've just come through the other side of the teenage years with mine (and I've been a secondary school teacher for a long time) and I think you were a bit overly optimistic not to expect some kind of damage from having 40 teenagers in your home unsupervised - there would've been alcohol and a bit showing off.

I think you've got off pretty lightly tbh. I the doubt carpets are ruined just with mud, will take a bit of effort to get it out properly but...

I have a DS16. Zero way we would let him invite 40 friends over and then waltz out the door, tbh I'm not sure 40 would fit.

We have gone out on occasion and he has had a strictly vetted number of friends round - it is possible he sneaks more in without us knowing, but I have my neighbourhood book group set up to spy on him .

We have made it very clear to him that if the house is damaged or trashed on our return, we'll get relatives to stay next time we go away. He would much rather have a bit of freedom so that keeps him in line.

If you phoned me after the party, I'd get my DS to apologise and physically come round to clean, but I wouldn't be offering any money as it was pretty likely there would be some damage when you leave 40 teenagers alone.

Yes, if only to let them know about his behaviour. I would want to know if it was my teen misbehaving, so I could talk to him and improve his understanding and learning.

If I don't know as no one told me, my kid would not learn and I would be pretty pissed off if I would hear it from the gossip mill. Please don't dismiss this as ' this is a teen thing'. Being a teen is not a valid reason to behave like this and we as a society should expect better.

Because OP has zero knowledge of wether any of what her perfect daughter has told her is true.

All of your own making. I think you got off lightly to be fair, very bloody lightly. 40 sixteen year old kids left unsupervised. Have you lost your mind? You were asking for trouble and if muddy carpets and a mucky lawn is all you got you should think yourself very very lucky.

What did you think would happen with 40 kids in an adult free house? Tiddlywinks and charades?

No sorry OP, you were very irresponsible and I bet half the kids would not have been allowed go if their parents knew there was no adult supervision. Huge fail on your part.