Teenage boys ruined my carpets - should I contact their parents?

[thecranberries]

My 16 yr old DC had a birthday party last night. About 40 teenagers attending. Fine. My DC is responsible as are her friends. I went out, obviously, and came back at 11.30pm.

I found a bunch of girls mopping my wooden floor and stone kitchen floor, two girls picking up clumps of mud, one girl vacuuming up mud (ruined my Dyson as mud was wet) and various other girls using towels to wipe down what they could.

My DC told me what boys had done: they'd gone into the garden beyond the decking, despite being told repeatedly not to do so. They went into my garden shed and took out garden spade, fork and rake and just dumped them into garden, leaving shed door open. They ruined my lawn. And they'd repeatedly gone in and out - they all wear those clumpy trainers - and just spread the mud. (It's been very wet recently).

After being told many times not to do so, she finally told all the boys to leave, and as they were doing so, some attempted to filch things from my home, so DC and a few other girls checked the boy's pockets before ejecting them.

All the girls responsible, well behaved, and considerate. All the boys - led by one especially - irresponsible, disrespectful, boarish, and the lead boy - simply kept laughing when asked to behave responsibly and not rile up the others.

So, AIBU to call the parents of the lead boy and tell them exactly what their DS is like? I have to pay for my carpets and rugs to be cleaned and spend my day deep cleaning my home from debris I had not factored in rather than just the normal tidy up.

I know my DC will be extremely embarrassed at my actions, ie calling the parents of lead boy - but at the same time, I am left with an unexpected bill and extra work at a particularly time-poor moment in my week.

Just for record, all boys come from 'nice' families, and go to very good state and private schools.

WWYD?

i would absolute NOT take these woman’s word for it that my son even did this.

I would want to talk to him first if she rocked up ranting at me

and if he denied, then I’d believe him

Can I just say I am not judging you in anyway shape or form! all our sh*t stinks! no one on this site can put there hand on there heart and say they have never made a mistake! this is just my opinion and does not necessarily mean I am right! so here goes..........I think you probably deep down realise that you should have been there, maybe you feel you have let your daughter down by not being there for her when it all went wrong! what was meant to be a nice occasion turned in to a nightmare for your daughter and I would imagine she would have been very worried and anxious! like you say you trust your daughter implicitly and trust her judgement on who she associates with! I think this may have blindsided you because you put your faith in her! and through no fault of her own she let you down. I think you are probably feeling really hurt and judged but like I said we all make mistakes. If it were me I would not want to cause anymore stress to my Daughter as she probably feels bad enough as it is and there also maybe social repercussion for her from the boys, again its just my opinion it doesn't mean I am correct. - All the best

I asked my daughters 15 what they would consider reasonable and they said don't contact parents - the onus is on the host.

Yes. First time ever drunk. Meant to be one bottle at party. Unsupervised kids snuggled in more. I have had drunk kids at my house and I have looked after them. Given them a buddy. Held sick bowls and put them to bed. So yes. This parent is part of my kids close friend group.

If my 15/16 year old was vomiting due to being drunk at a party… I would want and expect the parent present to contact me asap so I could come and collect!! And I certainly would do if vice versa.

I was not judging OP at all. I thought “oh a terrible thing has happened. Perhaps she could have done things differently but surely she will learn!”

Until her second update where she fiercely denies any and all responsibility, claims her daughter is a flawless human being and continues to push that teenagers are basically fully responsible adults who should be expected to behave as such. And then carries on in a more deleted post that savvy girls don’t get raped!

and continues to push that teenagers are basically fully responsible adults who should be expected to behave as such.

but then refers to them as “children” multiple times throughout this thread.

The OP for herself in a right twist last night, and scampered off with her tail between her legs.

She won’t be back

Apologies If you felt that was directed at you I was honestly just generalizing, I was trying to make her feel better that she messed up, and was saying we all do.

With regards to the comment "Savvy girls don't get raped" I did not read the post! as you say it has now been deleted! but that is a truly disgusting thing to say! and would hope that anyone who made a comment like that should be removed from MN Permanently. I think some people when they know they have made a mistake instead of owning it they dig there heals in and say whatever rubbish comes into there heads!

Once again apologies.

Not at you, at your son!

Missed that ... OP is obvs wrong about that.

PS - The good girls will all be at home cleaning up after the men / sons who never got told that their behaviour was unacceptable.

Wow is that all that happened? You got off lightly. My brother and sister (twins) had a similar set up and the police were called. Needless to say no more 16th house parties. Personally I wouldn’t never ever, ever, ever do that and mines coming up to that age. Not a cat in hells chance.

Hahaha, you just reminded me of when I was a teenager, we were at a pub with a big group telling the horror story of police called and everyone sent home due to an invasion of additional teenagers causing damage. Other stories were thrown in and one girl who we didn't know described one party, summing up as "and THEN they BURNED ALL THE CARPETS". It became a bit of a catchphrase in our group: "is it a big party?" "Burn the carpets level innit".

(May be outing myself here, though I'm not in touch with many from back then and they probably know far worse than I put on here.)

Teenagers (children) only lie to a parent if they feel they are not able to express themselves or do not have clear boundaries they negotiated, so they can develop their own sense of self. Negotiated boundaries , which are full of explanations as to why they exist and why they are important, are crucial because imposed boundaries, devoid of explanation, understanding and taking into account all elements of any issue, will simply lead to a child/teenager feeling they have no agency or independent thought which can lead to the most awful situations.

All of this is true but only to a point. The more adventurous or rebellious teenager, of which you’re daughter probably isn’t one, will always go beyond the boundaries they negotiated because they know full well there isn’t a cat in hells chance of getting the boundary agreed, but they want to do it anyway. My son is very open with me about his life and relationships but knows there are limits, but if he really wants to do something, he does anyway and covers his tracks. This of course is confessed some time later after the rebellion no longer matters. I admire his rebellious streak

It’s not even mostly true. That is a paragraph of nice sounding platitudes that don’t represent the various psychological tensions and complexities of learning to navigate social situations in adolescence.

The OP might want to reflect that ‘good girls’ very often become afraid of disappointing their parents - their relationship and self image is based upon the perception that they are responsible and sensible - so, when inevitably they get a bit carried away in social situations and aren’t ‘responsible’ or ‘sensible’ will lie to their parents to preserve what they can of the good girl thing. But they need to make mistakes and try out irresponsible choices etc. They need to figure out who they are separate from their parents’ perceptions and hopes.

That’s just one of the many complexities at play.

We had 60 of our adult friends over for a party and there was a ton of mess and damage!!

YABU to not have anticipated these issues with 40 unsupervised teenagers!! Next time, hire a village hall

There would be very few things worse than hosting a party in my home- adults or teenagers.

Don’t sweat it. I was not in the least bit offended because I very much felt like you after reading her initial post. It was not until I dived deeper that my feelings changed. Haha

You left 40 teenagers alone and expected calm...

You're a fool.

Now imagine not hosting 40 teens but rather leaving it to your teenage DD to do the hosting whilst you head out for the evening!

Years ago my son had a 13th party in a community hall for his classmates.

My husband and I and a couple of our adult friends were there to supervise.

It was horrendous. Some girls snuck into the toilets with alcohol in their handbag and were very drunk!

The girls ripped a toilet cistern off the wall.

One girl pinched my husband's bum as she walked past!!!!

We phoned for some extra friends of ours to come and urgently help us supervise!

A group of local lads who we didn't know turned up and tried to get in. We wouldn't let them in so they smashed a window.

The key holders of the hall were furious. It cost us a lot of money to get put right.

I was so embarrassed by the behaviour.

My own son even said "never again"!

So after all that, it transpires that some of the boys did help clean up and the lawn wasn’t ‘ruined’. It’s bound to pop up on ‘Angry People in Local Newspapers’; ‘Lawn RUINED’.

Saying people all tell their parents the truth in their neck of the woods is definitely posh
Alongside the casual mention of private schools

Not “posh”

Twattish

In several places on this thread, as well as in the OP, there is reference to the fact the boys are from a private school as though this somehow makes them better behaved than boys from a state school. That fucks me off. In any case, my experience of private school boys (both now and my youth) is that private school boys have less respect to property and drink more alcohol - but they are more charming and confident, so maybe that makes up for it in some way.

When my (very sensible, lovely, honest (ahem)) dd was a similar age, we had a similarly ill-fated party. The girls from a local private school got so paralytic. They were vomiting everyhwere, wandering off into London with no care for their safety, and I had to phone one's parents when she vomited and passed out. I emailed the headmistress the next day as their attitude to alcohol was very concerning (This is a well known girls school).

In all of her posts, the OP takes NO responsiblity for this party. It was HER decision to let HER dd hold a part in her house. She went out. She left them with no supervision. This is her fault. Yet she doesn't accept that at all. Nor does she attatch any responsiblity to her dd who was the host of the party. It's all someone else's fault. In my case, I did take responsibility for the mess and chaos and irresponsible behaviour for my dd's party. While I didn't ban parties , I never left the house again for a teenage party.

@HelenHywater

They were vomiting everyhwere, wandering off into London with no care for their safety, and I had to phone one's parents when she vomited and passed out. I emailed the headmistress the next day as their attitude to alcohol was very concerning (This is a well known girls school).

did the head point out that you were present at the party and had obviously permitted alcohol to be consumed by 15/6years old attendees?