Teenage boys ruined my carpets - should I contact their parents?

[thecranberries]

My 16 yr old DC had a birthday party last night. About 40 teenagers attending. Fine. My DC is responsible as are her friends. I went out, obviously, and came back at 11.30pm.

I found a bunch of girls mopping my wooden floor and stone kitchen floor, two girls picking up clumps of mud, one girl vacuuming up mud (ruined my Dyson as mud was wet) and various other girls using towels to wipe down what they could.

My DC told me what boys had done: they'd gone into the garden beyond the decking, despite being told repeatedly not to do so. They went into my garden shed and took out garden spade, fork and rake and just dumped them into garden, leaving shed door open. They ruined my lawn. And they'd repeatedly gone in and out - they all wear those clumpy trainers - and just spread the mud. (It's been very wet recently).

After being told many times not to do so, she finally told all the boys to leave, and as they were doing so, some attempted to filch things from my home, so DC and a few other girls checked the boy's pockets before ejecting them.

All the girls responsible, well behaved, and considerate. All the boys - led by one especially - irresponsible, disrespectful, boarish, and the lead boy - simply kept laughing when asked to behave responsibly and not rile up the others.

So, AIBU to call the parents of the lead boy and tell them exactly what their DS is like? I have to pay for my carpets and rugs to be cleaned and spend my day deep cleaning my home from debris I had not factored in rather than just the normal tidy up.

I know my DC will be extremely embarrassed at my actions, ie calling the parents of lead boy - but at the same time, I am left with an unexpected bill and extra work at a particularly time-poor moment in my week.

Just for record, all boys come from 'nice' families, and go to very good state and private schools.

WWYD?

I'd blame myself for my own stupidity and just get on with sorting out my house. Who on earth leaves 40 teenagers into their home, and goes OUT? It's the kind of thing you see on teen movies, but nobody does it in real life. When DS was a teenager I never saw anyone have more than 10-15 max in the house for a party, and the parents were ALWAYS upstairs.

To those who just changed facts (stating my garden was dug up - it wasn't) but garden tools taken out from shed and strewn on lawn.

Imagine people thinking that after you stated they took garden tools and then covered your carpets in mud.

Stop having a go you are at fault here letting multiple morons into your house.

I would.
I did.
Bad behaviour should be called out.
20 years later the kids whose parents I called are still pleased to stop and chat to me if we bump into each other. They knew they were pushing the limits at the time

As you left 40 teenagers unsupervised in your home, the outcome is your responsibility.

Additionally, you did not not witness any first hand. What you have is a situation in which all of the kids who you found in the home when you returned claimed that all of the damage was caused by the kids who were no longer present. Second hand account at best.

I would just consider it a lesson learned and not allow anymore unsupervised group events in my home
.

I couldn’t even contemplate having 40 teenagers in our house- which is pretty big. And certainly not leaving them alone! Madness

that all said if I was the mother of the ringleader boy, I’d absolutely want to know about what he’d done.

Most sixteen-year-olds are very nice, decent young people. In a group, peer pressure and alcohol can make some of them behave in an irresponsible way.
Most people seem to realise that. It's not excusing their behaviour, far from it, but there's no need to be naive.

I would unravel myself from my anus and accept that I wasn't the 'perfect parent'!!! What a stupid, stupid thing to do! I would have been furious if my 16 year old had gone to a house party without parents present - this was the down thing in "my neck of the woods", you see.

My now-adult children attended a high-performing, highly regarded school, and they had friends from other, similar schools. There was always someone who drank too much, took drugs, and completely made a prat of themselves. Didn't mean they weren't a bad person, just one under the influence of whatever substances!! Guess what though - there was always a parent there to make sure they were safe and dial down on any high jinks.

You have learned nothing though have you? "I choose to trust and enable." Don't come crying again when the same thing happens over and over again. Your tone is astonishing for someone who has made such a fundamental fuck-up, and refuses to take responsibility!!

What if there'd been a fight, teen sex, drugs overdose - or a load more of their friends rocked up to join in? Utterly irresponsible!

You were very, very lucky something worse didn't happen. We had a small teenage party at my house. 17 and 18 year olds. We lurked upstairs but kept an eye and ear on things. One girl still decided to climb out of a bedroom window and sit on the flimsy sloping roof below 'to cool down'. She was most put out when I called her in because it was dangerous. Teenagers' ability to assess risk and foresee consequences is notoriously poor. It doesn't take much to imagine what could have happened. And these were 'nice' kids and close friends of my DC.

You had a party with teenagers in your house while you were out - you are fortunate the mess wasn’t worse to be honest - could be vomit on rugs etc. Teenagers, especially when they’ve been drinking can wreck your house, they don’t think. Chalk it down to experience. I’ve never hosted a party in my house for my teens for that reason. Sorry it happened, but it does and it could’ve been much worse!

Laughing that some posters think these parties are the only chance these kids get to engage in sexual activity etc so as long as there’s a parent there to supervise it cannot happen 😂

also laughing at the posters whose sons would NEVER have behaved like this because they’re such lovely polite young men. In my experience those types are the worst, they turn up to the party topless and spend it doing ket and shagging birds (if you know you know) 😂

Parents who have 16 year olds: Do you always check with the other parents that they are going to be there if your teen is going to their home for a party?

I think the ostentatious cleaning might belie a degree of involvement from the boys. Sounds like silly teen antics. Next time, don’t go out. A large teen party was likely to end in tears without any adults around.

A degree of involvement from the girls that should say

You’re either a troll or an extremely bad parent. 16 year olds might be physically mature but at this age they are still extremely bad at decision making skills.

I was going to be coming to your defence until I read your second very very long comment where you deflect every single criticism that you received. You made poor choices. This was the consequence. You seriously overestimate teenagers abilities especially at a party. My god and you out so many of them in danger. Next it won’t be the carpet it’ll be a poor teen girl getting raped in your home!

You deserved everything that happened to your home. Start taking responsibility for yourself! Zero sympathy for you.

I wouldn't have done anything intentionally damaging at 16 either. But I'm sure I caused unintentional damage (like going outside when I was asked not to and walking mud into the house) when drinking. That's pretty standard house party stuff tbh. And the stuff over and above like trying to steal stuff, yeah that's the minority but surely something that could be anticipated from a group of strangers.

No. But I assume most parents aren't stupid enough to leave masses of 16 year olds without adult supervision.

I have sympathy for the extra work/expense but I cannot imagine many people would leave 40 teenagers in their home unsupervised! You would have to be completely crazy (I mean that in a nice way!). I dont think I would leave 10 in a house unsupervised all evening! Yes they were disrespectful but I imagine their parents were probably expecting you to be home.

You were a complete mug to go out and leave 40 teens to a party.

You were mad to go out.

No, I wouldn't contact the parents because I'd be too embarrassed about having to explain that I'd gone out when it was such a stupid thing to do.

What these boys did is not a reflection on their school(s). They are gormless, careless teenagers who shouldn't be allowed free access to alcohol and someone else's house (see above).

BTW, all of my children have been 16. Even the ones who were sensible at 16 were not always 100% truthful. So don't assume that your 16 yr old is the sole teenager who has never, ever bent the truth a bit or given just selected highlights of a particular event, @thecranberries.

If I were his parents I’d want to know. He is going in the wrong direction, so are his weak friends who copied him.

By the way. I've had 3 16 year olds.

They're all grown up functioning members of society with responsible jobs.

But at 16 they were ... 16.

And they all attended parties of one sort or another that got out of hand. Without exception when the parents of the party holder had gone out.

You're lucky no one was injured. You're lucky no one was assaulted. You're lucky no one was raped. You're lucky none of them had access to cars and quad bikes and decided to go rampaging over fields

Is your house massive? I couldn't imagine 40 people roaming about my house. I think it's your house and you allowed it, so you need to deal with it. Your 16 year old may be mature but as an ex teacher I wouldn't want to supervise and be responsible for 39 other 16 year olds, especially with alcohol involved. That was too much for you to put on your dc.

Isn't that a big assumption to make? If 16 year olds can't be trusted, then surely a parent would check that the party parent is actually going to be at home?

Why would 16 year olds not be responsible, considerate, and able to take care of themselves. The bigger issue is surely why a group of boys felt they could do this and disrespect their host and cause such mayhem and ruin a party?

The answer to both of these questions is - ‘because they are 16 years old’

This. OP sounds like one of those cringey parents who desperately wants to impress her kids friends so she does incredibly stupid things and is shocked when the results that everyone would have expected to happen happens!