Teenage boys ruined my carpets - should I contact their parents?

[thecranberries]

My 16 yr old DC had a birthday party last night. About 40 teenagers attending. Fine. My DC is responsible as are her friends. I went out, obviously, and came back at 11.30pm.

I found a bunch of girls mopping my wooden floor and stone kitchen floor, two girls picking up clumps of mud, one girl vacuuming up mud (ruined my Dyson as mud was wet) and various other girls using towels to wipe down what they could.

My DC told me what boys had done: they'd gone into the garden beyond the decking, despite being told repeatedly not to do so. They went into my garden shed and took out garden spade, fork and rake and just dumped them into garden, leaving shed door open. They ruined my lawn. And they'd repeatedly gone in and out - they all wear those clumpy trainers - and just spread the mud. (It's been very wet recently).

After being told many times not to do so, she finally told all the boys to leave, and as they were doing so, some attempted to filch things from my home, so DC and a few other girls checked the boy's pockets before ejecting them.

All the girls responsible, well behaved, and considerate. All the boys - led by one especially - irresponsible, disrespectful, boarish, and the lead boy - simply kept laughing when asked to behave responsibly and not rile up the others.

So, AIBU to call the parents of the lead boy and tell them exactly what their DS is like? I have to pay for my carpets and rugs to be cleaned and spend my day deep cleaning my home from debris I had not factored in rather than just the normal tidy up.

I know my DC will be extremely embarrassed at my actions, ie calling the parents of lead boy - but at the same time, I am left with an unexpected bill and extra work at a particularly time-poor moment in my week.

Just for record, all boys come from 'nice' families, and go to very good state and private schools.

WWYD?

YOU said “the children and parents” are aware of what’s happened.

So are you referring to the boys and their parents??

You are so unclear!

So if it’s very normal to have large adult free parties… nothing like this has ever happened before?

How did you “block upstairs”???! 😂

Have you taken any responsibility for the fact you left "children" (your words) unsupervised in the first place leaving your daughter to deal with an escalating situation? You are lucky its just mud and no physical harm was caused to anyone.

I remember perfectly well being 16. I would never have trashed the home of a friend. Most people wouldn’t. But a significant minority do. They almost always have similar-minded parents who make every excuse under the sun for them, as posters here are nicely demonstrating. OP, at least you’re getting an insight into the mentality of these boys and their parents. Live and learn.

Oh dear. After having had two teenagers and countless parties, you don’t let them in the house, it’s the only way. Log burner or heated lamps, gazebo, recycling boxes and bins next to seating. BBQ for food. Parents indoors, in the house, all doors locked except the one nearest the loo.boys won’t use it, they will piss in your flower beds.

chalk it down to experience and if you see the cheeky little fuckers again, bollock them.

My friend rocks up to meet me for dinner

Me: “What’s your DD up to tonight?”
OP: “Oh she’s at home with 40 other 16 year olds and alcohol”
Me: “Come again?”

😂

40 16 year olds, you went out and you're shocked there's a bit of mud in the house?

Honestly, this is on you. Your failure to supervise has meant, by the sounds of it, that your child couldn't enjoy herself because she had a stressed, difficult time trying to police her own event. Yes, it sounds like the boys behaved awfullly. This is why you need adult eyes. I doubt you'll get anywhere complaining though, it'll just be turned back on you that you had no supervision arranged, and in all honesty you're lucky no worse happened - what would your position be as the parent of an underage child if there had been an assault / accident / overdose? You just abdicated responsibility there and got away with it lightly, I think.

Sounds like you got off lightly! What on earth were you thinking?

Teenagers (children) only lie to a parent if they feel they are not able to express themselves or do not have clear boundaries they negotiated, so they can develop their own sense of self.

You are delusional. And dangerous as you can not see that your 'darling' daughter could possible do anything wrong.

why go out obviously?! I had an 18th and my parents were in attendance, if we wanted a bit of alcohol then that was the rule. Luckily my mum is a laugh and had a great night. But anyone damaging property would have rightly been asked to leave. Could you not have hung out upstairs or something ‘on a work call’ or similar so not involved but your daughter could have let you know if help was needed?! I would tell them mainly about the boys’ attempted theft and horrible attitude rather than focus on specific actions re the mud. They need to know their kids are behaving this way and hopefully will get them to apologise. But you are in the wrong for the unsupervised party, so I wouldn’t be asking for money:

I am not condoning the boys behaviour. However the parent has a duty of care towards the children she invites over be they male or female. The behaviour of the boys put the girls in a difficult situation. One that an adult could have dealt with by throwing them out. This isn’t about boys and girls it is about lack of supervision. I’m not saying this parent had to hang around at the party. She could have been next door or upstairs and popped over regularly. I’m not blaming her either as it is damn hard being a parent and we all learn from mistakes.

The only mistake the op made was optimistic naivety that other teens were as nice as her Dd and her friends. It’s shocking and shit behaviour. I stayed at dds year 12 recent party however and I really needed to be there. I do think going out was not wise.

all boys come from 'nice' families, and go to very good state and private schools
🤣🤣🤣
as if that makes a difference, I've found them to be the worst behaved and entitled wee arseholes.

I'd tell the parents so they can tell their sons off, but I wouldn't suggest they pay. You just want them to know what their sons are like in strangers' homes. Most of us hope that, however ghastly our children are to us, they are polite to everyone else. To find out that is not the case would be far worse than any bill!

The point is that no matter how sensible 16 year olds are, they lack life experience and are at an age when hormonal changes, learning and growing up are all happening unpredictably and fast. When you put 40 together with peer pressure and alcohol, the group can act very differently to the individuals who are sensible by themselves.

I would still tell the parents - as a parent I would want to know, even if the children had decided to do their own version of justice.

I'd also learn the lesson - you really should have stayed on site. It's perfectly possible to stay out of the way and let the kids have their sense of a grown up party by themselves but as happened, sometimes there is NO substitute for somebody's mum coming and yelling at you when you're getting carried away.

People aren't making excuses. They're being realistic.

Sixteen year olds aren't known for making sensible decisions - that's why they can't get married, join the army, buy cigarettes or go to off-licenses and buy bottles of vodka.

Should they have trashed the garden and dragged mud through the house? Of course not, but drunk teenagers don't make sensible decisions. They mess around. They don't think of the consequences. They get swept up in what everyone else is doing - which is why sensible parents don't leave 40 of them unattended in their homes while they bugger off to a restaurant all night.

i think of you know the parents and have a good relationship them yes message and inform them what happened and that you just wanted to let them know what happened, incase they hear it through some one else. (Say you would Rather contact them directly than them hear a rumour about what happened) you will feel better but also understand it’s your responsibility when leaving a party unattended that the worst may happen. If it was my son or daughter misbehaving I would want to know directly what’s been going on to be able to deal with them myself but appreciate not all parents parent the same way.

Just out of curiosity, why didn't your DD either take action ir contact you earlier, given that they seem to have had quite a lot of time to do that much damage?

If someone contacted me about behaviour of that sort by my son, I would be mortified and would certainly make his life hell - only you know whether these people will react that way, and/or whether there there would be any comeback on your DD.

Well you left a bunch of 16yrs olds having a party. What did you expect? Your own child could be a saint but word gets out, especially with social media.

’come from very nice families and go to very good state schools and private schools.’
Lesson learnt- that means absolutely nothing.

I really think you need to stop nelly aching now and just accept that you are very unreasonable thinking 40 16 year olds would not trash the house. Doesn't matter how close friends or sensible they are when put together with alcahol aswell it will end in tears. If it's just your carpet that's damaged you had a lucky escape. You were and still do sound very naive !

Your home is your responsibility.

You neglected your duty of care when you went out and left a group of children to their own devices.

Thanks @TerfOnATrain
I will be using this as my template for future teenagers parties X