Teenage boys ruined my carpets - should I contact their parents?

[thecranberries]

My 16 yr old DC had a birthday party last night. About 40 teenagers attending. Fine. My DC is responsible as are her friends. I went out, obviously, and came back at 11.30pm.

I found a bunch of girls mopping my wooden floor and stone kitchen floor, two girls picking up clumps of mud, one girl vacuuming up mud (ruined my Dyson as mud was wet) and various other girls using towels to wipe down what they could.

My DC told me what boys had done: they'd gone into the garden beyond the decking, despite being told repeatedly not to do so. They went into my garden shed and took out garden spade, fork and rake and just dumped them into garden, leaving shed door open. They ruined my lawn. And they'd repeatedly gone in and out - they all wear those clumpy trainers - and just spread the mud. (It's been very wet recently).

After being told many times not to do so, she finally told all the boys to leave, and as they were doing so, some attempted to filch things from my home, so DC and a few other girls checked the boy's pockets before ejecting them.

All the girls responsible, well behaved, and considerate. All the boys - led by one especially - irresponsible, disrespectful, boarish, and the lead boy - simply kept laughing when asked to behave responsibly and not rile up the others.

So, AIBU to call the parents of the lead boy and tell them exactly what their DS is like? I have to pay for my carpets and rugs to be cleaned and spend my day deep cleaning my home from debris I had not factored in rather than just the normal tidy up.

I know my DC will be extremely embarrassed at my actions, ie calling the parents of lead boy - but at the same time, I am left with an unexpected bill and extra work at a particularly time-poor moment in my week.

Just for record, all boys come from 'nice' families, and go to very good state and private schools.

WWYD?

So all this happened between you texting your teen at 11pm and getting home at 11.30?

Or did, your teen, tell you everything was fine when it wasn’t?

Actually, teens don’t only lie if they feel they can’t talk to you. There’s many reasons people lie. Like when someone led you to believe all the girls were perfectly behaved and it was just the boys but then it turned out some girls were involved.

I would also, love to know where you’re ‘neck of the woods’ that everyone thinks it’s fine to leave 40, 16 year olds alone while they are drinking. By your neck of the woods do you mean your village? City? Catchment area?

I think shit happens. It was a poor decision on your part. Poor decisions on the part of the teens including your daughter. But that happens. Time to move on.

Teenagers (children) only lie to a parent if they feel they are not able to express themselves or do not have clear boundaries they negotiated, so they can develop their own sense of self.

So why didn't your teenager tell you what was going on before you got home?

I wouldn't contact the parents. Their obvious reply will be to ask what you expected by going out.
I offered my DD a party at home for her 16th but I made it clear I'd be in the house (upstairs) and she's VERY sensible. I couldn't vouch for all the guests though so I was staying put.
If you'd have stayed and intervened and the culprits were rude and carried on, so you had direct knowledge, then I'd say yes to contacting the parents but that's not what happened.

"DC tells me everything." Yet neglected to tell you about the riot happening in your house during your check ins? Oh you poor, sweet Summer child.

You let them have a party, 40 teenagers showed up and some mess happened. It sucks but there was gonna be some chaos, they are teens unsupervised. Hard lesson for you to learn but an important one.

Did you not think before you said yes? What did you think they were going to do? Sit nicely and play scrabbble.

You should have supervised the party. Irresponsible to let so many 16 Yr old drink at your house. Many of the parents would have expected you to be there. Ringing their parents will only lead to some (partly deserved) criticism of your naivety and lack of safeguarding of those you had invited. 16 is underage regardless of how outraged you are at their manners.

Was going to say ring lead boy’s parents and give chance to put things right, but best outcome that group dealt with it so good that they have more maturity and manners. I think you sound like a great parent from the way you talk to DD. My DDs also had home parties at that age, were equally responsible and clear communicators. We used to ask friends round to play cards and hide in the bedroom! Did stop a fight and a couple of overly amorous kids on my rounds though. But it meant a lot to DDs to be able to host their friends and they learnt a lot from it as I’m sure your DD will too for if there is a next time!

It's fab that your teenager is so mature and responsible, but it was extremely naiive of you to assume that 39 other teenagers were all going to be uncharacteristically (bearing in mind their age and the consumption of alcohol) considerate. Especially when you didn't even know them and it doesn't sound like your daughter did either.

I can’t understand why the heck you thought you going out and leaving 40 16 yr olds to it was ok. Far too many for a house party and they need an adult present.
My dc had their 17th last week. Max 10. I was in (upstairs) but did check on them, see who was coming and going.
I don’t think you’ll get anywhere trying go to involve parents plus your dc will be mortified.

I'd call parents. I'd want to know if my DC dared to behave like that. The girls sound fantastic and you sound like a very cool parent.

This!

YABU for leaving that many teens completely unsupervised in your home. YANBU for telling the badly behaved childrens' parents about their shitty behaviour. I would send photos too. Do you have any security camera footage from garden?

Reminds me of a party I went to aged 15 with big bunch of teenagers - boys and girls and we were all drinking.
Some got out of hand playing with the dog which resulted in a statue outside smashing.
The next week we all put in £10 each to pay for the cost rather than one person taking the blame

Anyway looks like the group are dealing with those at fault and hopefully they won’t be friends much longer

No riot. Major element of party went well. At the end the incident happened and when teenagers weren’t listening, my DCand her friends threw them out.

All children and parents knew situation. As I have stated, it’s normal now in my neck of the woods, because our kids are older, to leave house.

they'd gone into the garden beyond the decking, despite being told repeatedly not to do so. They went into my garden shed and took out garden spade, fork and rake and just dumped them into garden, leaving shed door open. They ruined my lawn. And they'd repeatedly gone in and out - they all wear those clumpy trainers - and just spread the mud. (It's been very wet recently).

and yet not once during the half hour updates did your DD be honest with you and tell you

I think there is a resounding: “40 teens?! What were you thinking?!” But I don’t think the OP liked being told she might have been in the wrong for allowing that many unsupervised teens in her house. At least she came back to tell everyone how wrong THEY were and actually what a great parent she is and how in her neck of the woods this is absolutely normal. That told us then!

So you have spent some time today ringing around parents?

Yes contact the parents.

I had teenagers crash my house when my DS had 3 friends over. They broke irreplaceable stained glass windows, all my fencing on front garden, stole c£10k worth of jewellery - 2 pieces were irreplaceable as they were high sentimental value - my sons gear was stolen, his room ransacked for it and they brought 1kg of coke into my home.

My son didn't sleep all weekend whilst we were away, never said anything to me at all. I thought he'd just had his close mates over.

The police did nothing cos the ring leader was wanted for something else and thry got him for that. In and amongst this my son tried to get some to leave and had a knife held to his throat. All happened 6 days before GCSEs started. All the kids went to the same outstanding school in a well to do area. If I had my time would I contact the parents? Absolutely. Their kids were vile and it sounds like these boys were vile too.

I'm sorry this happened, OP. It cost me a small fortune to put the house right, the jewellery was claimed on my insurance policy, but obviously that claim then follows you. :(

Why would I not expect 16 year olds to be responsible? They are almost adults now with legally defined independence.

are you implying all 16 year olds are stupid and naive and irresponsible? I don’t agree

Of course I didn’t. My DC told me what was going on in their chat and I was busy working

But your DD didn’t make the call that someone older would have done and told you during the very prolonged period when these boys were causing mischief. Instead in the updates… all was rosy.

so you’re saying these kids have told their parents what they did (according to your DD)

of course I didn”t

and yet your OP was asking whether you should

So sorry to hear about your experience.

I cleared the entire downstairs of everything apart from sofa, chairs, dining table and upstairs completely blocked off.