Boyfriend don’t have a place to stay, should I let him stay at my house.

[AmyJahabee]

40year old Boyfriend live with mum and step dad. Recently had issues with his stepdad and had to leave the house, step dad doesn’t want him living in the house and boyfriend has been staying at my house for two weeks. His mum text him saying he had arguments with the stepdad and has kicked him from the bedroom so stepdad is sleeping in boyfriend room, so now he kinda have no room in the house. His mum text saying should I bring you your work clothes save you driving? I was like but you could go home as things should cool off now. I feel the mum doesn’t want him in the house but keeping quiet, whilst step dad is been voicing his out. I don’t want to live with him yet as I have kids and just not ready for living together and would prefer for us to be engaged before living together. We have been together for a year.

while he is trying to find another place to stay should I let him stay at my house and just worried eventually this will turn to living together without any proper discussion.

he has a job but bad credit for mortgage and just don’t understand why he wouldn’t rent. He’s been living there on off for 5 year after separation from his ex wife.

The wrong choice of partner can destroy your life.

I agree with everyone here the OP is doing this to herself it’s so painful to watch.

Not a chance. He's crying and telling her he'll change/get help.

He just needs her to fix him.

Gods decision, op. You're not his therapist and you're not here to fix him. This would be your life from now on. He needs to get help for his gambling.

if you live somewhere where £100k houses exist, renting must be comparatively low. On £70k his net income is around £4k a month - wtf has he been doing with that for the last 5 years? He doesn't sound like the type of person to have been paying generous lodging/rent to his DM, & if he has been at yours for two weeks, what has he offered to pay so far?

It's worrying that you felt the need to post for back-up when you already know YOU don't want to have him love with you, but seem scared to say "no" to him.

he has a job but bad credit for mortgage and just don’t understand why he wouldn’t rent. He’s been living there on off for 5 year after separation from his ex wife.

As if all that wasn't enough to put you off - is mother & step-dad have relationship problems, his step-dad sounds like a petty tyrant, & his mum is trying to foist him on you by dropping his clothes off at yours.

None of this is good news for you.

Not only should you tell this 40 year old man to sort out his own accommodation, I think you should take this an an opportunity to seriously consider why you are attracted to a man with such poor prospects who has made no effort to move on into an independent life post-divorce. What has he done about this poor credit score in 5 years? Has he amassed savings while living off with his mum?

what has he offered to pay so far?

oh, we all know the answer is absolutely nothing. Because excuses, excuses, excuses.

He’s spent about £1500 on gambling though. Because that’s his priority.

It sounds like the OP wants to pretend he’s not a leech though.

Get him out now... not in a couple of days!!

Sorry for him? WHY?

He's a liar (the 'bad back' thing), a user, & a gambling addict so never takes you out, just wastes his significant salary on betting, instead of paying off his debts/sorting out his credit rating.

He wants you to treat you like he treats his mum - as a resource to enable his gambling & irresponsibility.

I feel guilty to see him almost homeless but so strange why he wouldn’t get himself stable when he’s earning £70k ( I know the figure as we work together and he earns twice as me) I understand the mortgage issue but from what he says his inheritance of £60k and atleast some savings( I assume after working for so long he should have a huge amount) he could easily buy £100k houses outright .

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE?
This man is way better off than you but you won;t see any benefit from it.
If you think you can cure him of gambling, using, lying, & being a giant manchild who won't even house himself, you are insane.

The gambling he's doing now (the stuff you're aware of anyway - I doubt you know the full scope of it) will escalate, & it will end up costing you in some way if you let this guy get his boots under your bed. He's making no attempts to sort his life out, FFS don't saddle yourself with his massive problems.

No. He is a scrounger, maybe like your stepdad. Cuckoos shoving each other out of the nest. DON'T let him in, you'll never get rid of him. You and your kids deserve better.

My mum always made it very clear to my really lovely dad who she was very happily married to for 40+ years that she would always put us kids first. Do this.

If he earns 70k, how has he managed to get bad credit? Does he not pay his bills? I'd tread super carefully with this chap.

Whoops, I've just read the thread in entirety and see there's a suspected gambling problem. If he's spending more than half his monthly wage on gambling, this is a very serious problem. Chances are he can't afford to rent because he's giving his money away to gambling sites.

I'm a big believer in second chances but it's clear he needs professional help. Being with an addict is awful!

Should I confront him about his gambling but he could say I have looking through his things. Or just keep quiet

Doesn't matter. Just get him out.

For the love of God.

This man is a wrong un.

He's a 40 year old waster who's probably been declared bankrupt at some point, gambles at an alarming rate. Has pissed off his loving mother so much she doesn't want him any where near the house.

He has a trail of disaster behind him.

You can not save him.

You can not change him.

he will ruin your life.

he will ruin you children's life.

get him out.

You don't need to give him a reason (he will know you've sussed him out anyway)

Your children do not deserve to live with this shit in their lives.

And if you think I'm being OTT, my dad was a gambler and my step dad an alcoholic.

There is no point trying to help this man even trying to make him understand your point of view is wasted.

They don't care about anything other than their addiction.

They will take you down with them in order to feed the addiction.

Why are you even having to ask? No no no. Wise up.

What do you think any "confrontation" will achieve?
Seriously - what outcome could you possibly hope for?

He's a wrong'un & if you continue dating him he will make his problems your problem. Walk away.

We went on holiday last year not very expensive both paid equally and he was responsible to pay for the food while we there, I caught him asking his mum and dad for money. I was shocked as to why he will ask considering he earns well. But makes sense now possibly gambling

Your priority is to protect your home and family.

Don't waste time bringing up his gsmbl8ng habit as this will just cause another argument you don't have time for.

Tell him to leave and let that be that.

He would stay in a hotel during the week as was doing contract jobs or stay with girl friend at the time. With regard to why he hasn’t rent up to now he says his mums offered him to come stay with them till credit sorted

So in other words it's always someone else's job to house him, while he wastes whatever money he gets on gambling

It's not just that I wouldn't let this waster stay - I wouldn't be with him at all

For goodness sake OP stop worrying about the whys and wherefores, and tell him to leave NOW!!!

Once he's gone, then it's up to you if you want to continue to see him, but quite honestly you would be absolutely STUPID to do so. Gambling is NOT something you can control. If you let him stay then he will drag YOU and YOUR KIDS into the gutter with him, is that what you want for them?

Don't give him ANY more time, go pack his bags, and tell him it was never intended that he should stay long term, and he's got to go, right now! Personally I would even be willing to pay for a hotel room for him for one night, rather than let him stay in MY home with MY KIDS a moment longer. STOP BEING A DOORMAT BEFORE YOU LIVE TO REGRET IT!!

I now think this is a wind up to see how frustrated can prople get tbh

Be very careful, OP, gamblers steal. They dont see it as stealing, just as borrowing to get them over a temporary dip.

I agree, please get him out of your house right away, he doesn't need "a few days" to get his stuff together and go back to his parents. Nothing is going to change in a few days

maybe once he has gone, if he gets in touch again, you could suggest he contacts Gamcare. But I am assuming you will be contacting him via text, rather than face to face? Not telling you to break off all contact, thats up to you. If he has a gambling problem and no concern or remorse about it, I would recommend you break off contact, personally.

Come on, its not that easy - really lovely people can have a gambling addiction - it is a brain malfunction. It can happen to anyone. It is really important the OP protects herself, but it isn't easy