Boyfriend don’t have a place to stay, should I let him stay at my house.

[AmyJahabee]

40year old Boyfriend live with mum and step dad. Recently had issues with his stepdad and had to leave the house, step dad doesn’t want him living in the house and boyfriend has been staying at my house for two weeks. His mum text him saying he had arguments with the stepdad and has kicked him from the bedroom so stepdad is sleeping in boyfriend room, so now he kinda have no room in the house. His mum text saying should I bring you your work clothes save you driving? I was like but you could go home as things should cool off now. I feel the mum doesn’t want him in the house but keeping quiet, whilst step dad is been voicing his out. I don’t want to live with him yet as I have kids and just not ready for living together and would prefer for us to be engaged before living together. We have been together for a year.

while he is trying to find another place to stay should I let him stay at my house and just worried eventually this will turn to living together without any proper discussion.

he has a job but bad credit for mortgage and just don’t understand why he wouldn’t rent. He’s been living there on off for 5 year after separation from his ex wife.

This, this, a thousand times this

I am usually very cautious about drawing too many conclusions from snippets of posts, but there's no 'maybe' about it. I'm convinced this guy has a major gambling problem.

OP, the longer you leave it, the harder it will be. You need to be firm and say 'no' to him staying, and end this relationship whilst you're at it. I appreciate that will be really tough though.

NO!!!

As difficult as it may be to say no to your partner, you do not owe him to come to live with you. It’s been 5 years he’s been at home, despite his bad credit making things harder and maybe stopping him from renting. If he was living at his parents he should have been better behaved, not completely excusing the step dad but if he really doesn’t have another place to go, he should have acted appropriately.

It will turn into a living situation without really being talked about, was he paying towards his parents bills / paying rent? If not.. he won’t do it for you either. His divorce more than likely ended because of money issues as well, that isn’t something that you should stick yourself to, unless you have seen REAL progress, real
change. Savings, responsibilities and so on.

I suggest telling him to go back to his parents, the mum may not want him back but that’s for her to cut him off herself. It isn’t your responsibility
to look after her 40 year old son, and if you choose to.. well, that’s on you and you deserve better.

If i was independently wealthy / secure with no kids and he had his own home with mortgage and seemed perfectly nice and then i discovered 2 or 3 transactions for £100 to gambling sites I'd be walking away.

Gamblers bring nothing but grief and misery.

add on everything else (financially dependent on parents at 40, you have kids etc) and I'd be running for the hills

@AmyJahabee
It's not your problem or responsibility to house this man, even if he's your bf.
He earns a good wage. He can go to a travel lodge and live there-£30 a night =£900 a month (he'll get a better deal ) - that's easily affordable on £70k a year and far cheaper than a one bed flat including bills. So HE DOES HAVE SOMEWHERE TO GO. Then he will have time to find himself an Air b&b or room in a shared house or a flat or small house all of his own to rent. He can sort out buying his own property.

Dating him & his having slept over couple times does not imply you have invited him to live with you and your DCs. No his mum can't bring over his work clothes as that implies he is staying long enough to go to work from yours. No he's not living with you

Pack up his bags- whatever he brought over and say, "you've stayed 2 weeks already, you are not living with me and DCs. So you need to return home, or go to a travel lodge tonight and find yourself somewhere to rent. We are not cohabiting. This stops today"

See the gambling is a red flag (a deal breaker) for any relationship and explains where all his money (& potentially then yours...) is going

But it's also irrelevant
You didn't invite him to live with yh and your DCs
He's been there 2 weeks. A grown 40 year old man having 'an arguement' with his step dad that he had to sleep at someone else's house. He didn't go to his friends house did he? He came to yours and is moving in by stealth.

Just get rid.

I had a bf of 8 months once who used heavy snow as an excuse to stay second night then third.. I found him making drawers & wardrobe space for himself in my house and even though snow was clearing he was talking about collecting more stuff from his as it was easier for him to get to work and "we made such a good team... it was far better situation "

Yeah in my house, for which I paid the bills, mortgage used my good credit, he expected me to cook and get food in, and wow the housework was magically done (by me )
I packed up his bags and put them by the door for when he tried to return to mine again for 4th night from his work saying he couldn't get home .. "you're not moving in so go home now or go to a hotel "

He tried to persuade me I was being unreasonable as it was getting dark (at 6.30pm) and he was hungry so I should feed him dinner at least (I had DCs to sort out, so I was unimpressed..)

It opened my eyes to what he'd been angling for all along and why I'd been so insistent on hw could only stay over one night when DCs weren't there (unfortunately the second night everyone was genuinely snowed in but became passable in time)

Thanks everyone, as hard it for me to believe I found more transactions of this morning £100 spending daily for the time he’s been staying at my home on gambling site. Overall it seems he been on the sites daily or 5 days a week while he at my house. He does pay his way while here. His gambling is taking all his money. £500 a week if that’s every week then about £2000 a month that’s just assuming it a habit as I only found out so not sure he’s been doing for long time. I believe after tax he get between £3500 and £4000

It's not just bad credit that's an issue for getting a mortgage - lender underwriters look at full bank statements. No wonder he's never applied for one.

His gambling habit is a red flag but is irrelevant here. What is relevant is the fact that he has moved in and you’ve been forced into a situation you don’t want. Get rid!

Do what @Tiani4 suggested which is perfect
Pack up his bags- whatever he brought over and say, "you've stayed 2 weeks already, you are not living with me and DCs. So you need to return home, or go to a travel lodge tonight and find yourself somewhere to rent. We are not cohabiting. This stops today"

Indeed, a lender is going to look at his (almost certainly lengthy) history of gambling and decide the risk is far too great.

Even more so if he’s got bad credit, which will almost certainly be related to his gambling problem.

Throw this one back. And out.

I feel sorry for him as he has an addiction but he isn't your problem to sort. He is a recent boyfriend/work colleague.

You need to do what best for you and your DC.
That's asking him to leave.
Until he gets help he will drag you into the gutter, he will lie, cheat and break your heart with empty promises.

The only way I would even consider working through a relationship would be if I had full control over finances and the person was getting help via gambler annon. But that would be if I was in an established relationship and not just a recent one.

You sound like a lovely person, please don't fall for any empty promises.

How are you finding out how much he's spending on gambling each day?

Deeply I feel sorry for him as he is wasting his life and love him we been together 15 months but he never takes me out only very few and I have to suggest, possibly s he doesn’t have money and can’t say that to me knowing what he earns. Has anyone been with a gambler and how bad was the relationship.

I will ask him to leave today giving him couple of days

@Tuilpmouse the highlight on phone screen will show bank alert £10 at 6pm on xx site £20 6:10pm and so on. So in total it add up to £100 or just over

Quite honestly, OP, I want to shake you.

Don’t allow your pity and ‘love’ for this useless man, who never does anything unless you suggest it, who has cocklodged in your children’s home, and whose own mother couldn’t have lobbed him out of her home and into yours any quicker if she tried, cloud your judgement. Get him out.

Abusive relationships often start with a woman being railroaded into a situation she doesn't want. The man claims to be homeless or needs to stay temporarily. The women feels sorry for him, agrees to put him up for a night or two, which turns into a week or two, then it's a done deal. He gets his feet under the table and refuses to leave. He becomes abusive and the only way out for the woman is for her to leave or to feel trapped, because she doesn't want to leave, doesn't want to move, doesn't want to give up her tenancy, etc. Get him out now while you still can.

Absolutely no way.
Why on earth is he still living with his Mum if he works?
She wants him to stay with you. You are his new Mum!
Stick to your guns.

Quite honestly, OP, I want to shake you.

Hahah! I know what you mean. And we both know she won't be chucking him out any time soon!

Because ... she loves him.

He's arranged to get help for his gambling.
He loves her.
She's the one to change him.

Same ol' same ol'

He ain't going anywhere, he'll cling for dear life!

And who cares about the kids?

12 months later. New thread, same problem.

Mumnset drives me mad sometimes.

Just saw your updates about his gambling issues
RUN A MILE!!

When is burnt through his money he will soon start on yours and your children.

Please put your children first, and never ever marry this man.

You are being completely unreasonable for having a relationship with a deadbeat and allowing him to move in to you family home, even for 2 weeks! He's going to be hard to get rid of now

Read this back to yourself.

What do you see in him and what good has he done you?

Mwn like him rely on woman feeling sorry for them in order to get what they want. Once they see that you're willing to do things out of pity, they will exploit you.

He's a grown man ffs, he needs to take responsibility for his own shit.

Do not mother him.

Love you children more.

Aside the gambling stuff. Never mind that.

what the FUCK is going through your head that you’d ever consider letting a 15 month boyfriend move in to your home with your CHILDREN?

I am so over seeing this bullshit play out over and over on mn.

I see it play out in my professional life too and I am fed up. Nobody’s cock is that good.