Inviting others on a trip we paid for?

[Wantsummerback]

Please tell me your thoughts on this, me and DH are so wound up about it. We have booked a trip for parents in law and they are inviting other people at our expense. I appreciate we have gifted it them and they can do what they want with it.

but it just feels such a slap in the face! We found such a lovely place for them to relax and now they aren’t even going together.

I'd be annoyed (very annoyed), but there's not much you can do, realistically. Your DH can tell them how he feels, but if they want to invite this other person along, they can and will.

The most you can do is avoid giving gifts that can be muscled in on or easily shared, but if MIL/FIL are determined to martyr themselves and give everything to their spoiled adult child, they'll continue to do so.

I'm sure your PILs are very appreciative of you for your thoughtful gift. If a relative is now also going that does not distract this in any way. It just shows what a lovely gift you got. You can't dictate how your PILs want to enjoy the cottage - it does sound a tad controlling by trying to say a certain relative isn't allowed to go.

If it is them going only as in you two are not then it is their gift to do what they want

I don't see the issue, the 4 of you going turns into more I get would be annoying

If it keeps happening why continue then be surprised it keeps happening?

Just say, ‘The chef wants an extra £180 - John, you’re ok to cover that, aren’t you?’

You gave them a gift. They would obviously have a better time with these people than alone, I don’t see the problem? It is still a very nice gift.

I would be fucking furious if my parents did this with my siblings.
I would be fine with my in-laws taking my BIL and his partner because I don't hate them!

I'm a private chef. Firstly I only have enough food for the number who have been booked. I won't cook food that they already have I'm their fridges as I don't know if its been stored safely.

Once got to a job and the clients had bought a shut load of oysters that day and expected me to clean and open them . That wasn't om my brief or my menu do i refused.

Obviously there is history here, and you don’t like your sibling in law. But this doesn’t impact you at all, and you would be dickish to do anything about it. You are fortunate to able to buy your PILs such a generous gift. Let them enjoy it how they see fit.

I don't think it is any of your business what they do with a gift after it is given. You aren't paying for the person you don't like to go - you have already given the value of the holiday to you pil. Up to them what they do with it now.

It is their choice. The present was the log cabin and although clearly you meant it to be the two if the they wish to take their daughter.

you aren’t paying anything extra and it is their experience which had been changed but that is their choice, you can’t dictate how they use a present and it maybe they find it easier and more relaxing to take her

I would have no issues with it. You gifted them a holiday and they are making use of it. If they prefer extra company what does it matter to you.

Of course it's not ok for the rest of the family to have a really special and expensive holiday, at your expense.

And I call absolute bollocks on the people who'd apparently be absolutely fine if they booked their parents a special couples weekend away in a log cabin with a private chef breakfast, and then their sibling announced that they'd be going too, sleeping on the sofa and sharing morning pancakes. 🙄

This is why it’s pointless using AIBU to get opinions.

Your situation is pretty niche, and it’s not actually what your PIL have done that aggrieves you (you’d probably be fine if they’d invited anyone else), it’s who they’ve invited.

It’s your family dynamic that you’re annoyed with OP, and lots of people just can’t - or won’t - get that.

Have a word with the CF and tell them that you chose this venue for your PIL and that it would be a lovely break for them and it’s not chosen for 3. Perhaps invite the one feeling low over for dinner instead.

In theory YABU however......... I would feel the same.

Them inviting their best friends because they want to enjoy a weekend with them would be fine but when it is a well known scrounger it would really grate. We have a couple of people like that in our family and it boils my piss. If your person is anything like them, your parents wont have invited them, they will have invited themselves and your parents are too nice to say no.

The scroungers in my family want everything for nothing and if its free, even if they dont need it they will take it. When my aunt passed away they turned up at my uncles house practically with a shoppping bag. No it isnt costing you anymore but as I say, there is a massive difference between them sharing a lovely gift with people they want to spend time with and a CF on the take, even moreso after the Xmas present thing......they wont buy any gifts but will gladly steam in and share your parent's one from you?! Sod that! So bearing all that in mind....YADNBU!

You can’t attach conditions to a gift. They want to take your BIL. If you knew this would happen, and didn’t want it to, you should have booked a hotel room.

Yeah I would be pissed off too.

As others have said if they'd invited a couple who are their friends it would be hugely different than a free loading single bloke. Talk about being a gooseberry?!

Not sure what you can do about it. Apart from saying that you'd like to come along too?!

So even if your declining to answer the question, repeatedly, they are obviously taking either your BIL or SIL who you don't like and see as a sponging git. And you're irritated as you'd intended for them to go alone, understandably. How about your husband actually talk to his parents, and say he didn't pay for his bother/ sister to go and that they are taking the piss but inviting their daughter / son on a trip that he's paid for?

PILs are using the gift in a different way to what you envisioned.

Their choice.

Getting involved and trying to insist they use they gift the way YOU want is unreasonable.

Let them do what they want.

CF!! Definitely say something and that if they take him you won’t be doing any more gifts like that in future as he will only take advantage. Say you’re hurt they didn’t think to ask you and DH seeing as you’re paying?!

You absolutely should do this!

OP, are you sure that your CF of a SIL will actually be allowed to stay, as we own a holiday cottage, and it is part of our T&C's that although there are 2 double beds, we only allow a MAXIMUM of 2 guests (there is a reason behind this, but I won't go into it here). Many others in the trade will also only allow people named at the time of booking to stay in their accommodation. Therefore it might be wise for you to check as to whether they will be allowed to stay, as if not, this could end up really ruining the trip for your PIL.

I can see in this instance, MiL claiming that she's not hungry, and saying something like, "Oh, you can have my share dear" to her son (if the extra guest is BiL).

I would be livid OP. Tell them you get charged by occupancy and you’ve arranged for 2. Cheeky fucker!

I get why you're upset.

I suppose that part of me is putting myself in your IL's shoes and wondering if they might feel a bit awkward about what sounds like a fairly grand gesture.

I am ABSOLUTELY not knocking the place it came from, you wanted them to have a nice time. But I can't personally think of anything more awkward than staying in a cottage and having a private chef visit.

So I'm wondering if them bringing their 'adult baby' as you describe him is a safety behaviour on their part, rather than a gatecrashing episode on his?

The final thing I noticed is that as soon as this relative declared he wasn't giving present you went WAAAAAY large on yours. And I wonder if you subconsciously were trying to win some kind of approval with this gesture?