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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inviting others on a trip we paid for?

279 replies

Wantsummerback · 20/01/2023 19:09

Please tell me your thoughts on this, me and DH are so wound up about it. We have booked a trip for parents in law and they are inviting other people at our expense. I appreciate we have gifted it them and they can do what they want with it.

but it just feels such a slap in the face! We found such a lovely place for them to relax and now they aren’t even going together.

OP posts:
HamBone · 21/01/2023 22:44

JemimaTiggywinkles · 21/01/2023 22:11

He doesn’t like seeing his parents treated like that, IYSWIM.

Yes, but you cannot control your parents’ relationships with their other children. And I’m not sure you should try to, unless there’s abuse happening.

@JemimaTiggywinkles No, you can’t control other people’s relationships and my DH doesn’t attempt to.

He doesn’t dwell on it, it just upsets him sometimes when she asks them to drive 90 miles each way to help her out.
They’re in their 80’s ffs!

Although, they might be starting to realize that it’s not sustainable as a couple of weeks ago, they cancelled on her due to bad weather. DH was so relieved, he gets anxious every time they drive up to her.

kateandme · 21/01/2023 23:00

but i bet you no exactly how to behave in order for you to get things your way with your parents. and so does your dh! we all have it in families. and if you parents keep doing it its not her fault. its theirs. they keep inviting her. they dont invite you or anyone else so its obvious they can say no and choose who to invite. and choose who they dont invite. she plays it up and they feel for her. but they very very easily can not invite her.
maybe its jealousy.but seeing what you all have as a family might make her so. you cant really blame her for seeing waht you have and being jealous if that is the life shed yearn for and cant have. if she cant afford holiday and cars etc it would be totally normal to feel how she does. thats human.
shes done what any kid does in life no matter their age.
if it was so hideos when she was with them your parents would say no or do their own "sly" way of not inviting her.
you really seem ot dislike her. but dont have her side of the story in all this.
you seem jealous that he keeps getting nice things in life.or bitter.

Airspice · 21/01/2023 23:04

I’d be furious tbh, especially if SiL/BiL is renowned for being a sponging CF! This is a gift for your PiL, NOT for him/her. Especially after them deciding ‘no gifts’!
I know others are saying it’s their gift to do what they want with but no, you have paid for it for them, not for any freeloaders. I’d have to say something, either to the Pil or the freeloader themselves.

Airspice · 21/01/2023 23:11

LookItsMeAgain · 21/01/2023 19:35

At this point @Wantsummerback , what I would do is cancel this cabin.

Make up some excuse to PiL (especially MiL) saying that there has been an event at the lodge and they can't actually stay there after all and you'll do your very best to arrange an alternative location. Tell her you'll let her know the day before but to still be packed.

Book somewhere else. A hotel with a hot-tub or jacuzzi in the room or a hotel with a spa treatment and just don't tell her where. She'll have to break the news to SiL that her trip is off.
If you can, drive your PiL to the location so they can't tell anyone.
Make sure that their phones are off and that all types of tracking on the phone is turned off.
Deliver them to the posh hotel and tell them that they are to have fun - minus SiL!

This!!!!

Dotcomma · 22/01/2023 03:09

You say you bought them the time away in the lodge just for the 2 of them - so the intention was there to start with that SIL wasn't invited and it's backfired on you. You should have booked a 2 berth lodge.

You either get smarter or just accept the status quo. If it was the other way round & you were single you might behave the same. I wouldn't ever take her on a couple holiday again, you have to learn from this. MIL will always be the weakest link.

Zvifflemeyer · 22/01/2023 04:46

how can they force you to pay for people that they invited?

Aprilx · 22/01/2023 04:54

Wantsummerback · 20/01/2023 19:11

Apologies ive had a drink! They are going but have invited others.

So? I don’t see the issue.

opencheese · 22/01/2023 08:19

Your anger is silly and pointless

How old is SIL? She sounds pitiful to me. A bit
Of a loser

Notamumsym · 22/01/2023 08:35

Is it more that you suspect mil and fil dont want them there and the extra person has hinted theyte having a bad time so to get an them invite but are too nice to nice do so?

Timeforachangeisitnot · 22/01/2023 08:51

SIL is a sponger, for whatever reason. PIL enable this We have one in DH’s family.

I learned to say No when asked directly ‘ Can we bring x?’ ( if it meant additional cost or hassle etc) And I learned to just ignore what PIL chose to do. it’s not my business. It’s not hurting me. I can feel sad if it hurts DH but he is an adult, he has words.

If this bothers your DH he needs to tell his parents. He needs to remind them that he is not paying extra for SIL, then he , and you, need to wish them a nice break and let it go.

NutellaEllaElla · 22/01/2023 09:20

Eugh I can see why it's annoyed you so much OP but I think you're going to have to detach yourself from this fucked up dynamic. Your parents are consenting adults, if they're not prepared to resist the guilt tripping/ clear manipulation then you're not going to help by guilt tripping them for it. I wouldn't go and make things worse by confronting them. You know for the future you have to go to ridiculous lengths to ring fence gifts for them. make your peace with it otherwise you're just making yourself mad.

Breathe!

Original poster
Wantsummerback · 22/01/2023 09:38

@NutellaEllaElla I know you’re right. The funny thing is the whole point of us getting them this gift is because we said we’re not buying them perfumes/aftershaves anymore as they have everything. So this was a personal gift for them. It just feels like a kick in the teeth! But I guess if MIL and FIL are going to continue to enable it there is nothing we can do.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 22/01/2023 09:55

Yes @Wantsummerback and to be honest not only do they enable her they probably has caused quite a lot of it in the first place. The dynamic is caused by all of them in it I suspect it helps your DH to blame your SIL more but they are causing it

detached acceptance

MichaelFabricantWig · 22/01/2023 09:58

I can see how you feel a bit cheesed off but there’s nothing you can do. You could say to them I suppose that you really intended it to be a treat for the 2 of them but that’s about it. Just don’t get them anything like this again.

MichaelFabricantWig · 22/01/2023 10:02

Just read all your other posts that would drive me insane. YANBU

Remona · 22/01/2023 10:06

I think you now have to accept that your PILs are enabling her behaviour and are highly unlikely to change.

All you can do is stop buying them gifts which allow her to be included and stop including her in trips/holidays/outings that you and your DH organise.

If she sulks, let her. If she asks to come, say no. Tough shit if she doesn’t like it. Someone needs to stand up to her and it isn’t going to be your PILs.

Oblomov22 · 22/01/2023 10:10

Why didn't Dh tell them how upset he was. And that the enabling of SIL he thinks is damaging?

mikeysmummy2004 · 22/01/2023 10:17

I think the issue here is that you're worried that the plus one will now ruin your present for your PILs - i.e. a quiet, romantic getaway, which was meant for them only. I get that! A tricky situation, but at the end of the day it's their choice.

Headinthecloudsfeetinthemud · 22/01/2023 10:49

Ack. Freeloaders are so f annoying.

agonyau · 22/01/2023 10:50

Your annoyance doesn’t appear to be with your in-laws but with their friend who doesn’t exchange xmas gifts. Lots of people don’t bother with frivolous xmas gift exchanges (I don’t - only buy for my small immediate family for whom I can buy appropriate gifts) and it doesn’t make them mean, just practical & non-wasteful. Obviously your in-laws enjoy their company (much more than inconsequential gifts 🎁) which is why they invited them. Just ensure your in-laws are aware there may be an additional cost incurred for the Chef 👩‍🍳 so they can pre-warn their guests or prepare to cover it themselves.

Rightsraptor · 22/01/2023 11:43

You said last night, OP , that your SIL sulked for a week when you didn't pay the extra £300 for her to come on holiday with you.

Sounds like a bargain to me.

Be kind to her. And help her break her habit of dependency upon others. It'll be the best gift you can give her.

T1Dmama · 22/01/2023 12:14

I find this to be tough one.
your SIL is clearly struggling with life, maybe there’s some depression there? Jealousy that everyone else is happy, getting new cars, partners kids etc and she’s left behind??
we have a very elderly family member that acts in a similar way to your SIL… if I invite my parents for a meal out, they turn up with this other family member or ask me to pick her up on the way…. If I call my parents and say we are popping down, it’s always ‘can you pick X up on way’…
I don’t mind as she’s very elderly, lives alone and so we try to include her in most things, what does annoy me though is that everyone has to plan everything around her…. For example she only wants to eat in certain pubs so birthdays etc have to be arranged for her rather than the persons who birthday it is… my teenager asks to go to (for example) Pizza Hut for their birthday or to a Chinese buffet and is met with ‘X won’t eat that food’ and is then made to feel like we are deliberately excluding her and told ‘well you just go then’… so no one comes unless this person is included….. but I get it, it’s hard for family to know that someone is alone and suffering…. Your in laws are caught in the middle…. You buy them a gift, there’s a spare room and their daughter asks if she can go, your inlaws can’t say no because their daughter is lonely and would benefit from tagging along and in all honestly your inlaws don’t actually mind her being there but are then in the awful position of having to tell you, knowing it will p155 you off!…
I know the feeling well, I organise something knowing that
ive got to include a family member who usually ruins family events, but include her we must… then my daughter says ‘does she have to come’… I feel terrible daughter can’t have the exact day she wants but know I’d also feel terrible for excluding the elderly lonely person… so I try to keep everyone happy and actually no one is…
I think your best bet now is to tell inlaws to have a lovely time away and drop it… it’s now completely out your hands and isn’t worth stressing over. The family member is getting yet another free trip out of it but unless you’re willing to confront her directly and tell her she’s a cheeky cow then you need to just drop it….next Christmas buy the inlaws something they can’t share! Treat your mother - in - law to a spa day for example and book it for just
you and her, pick her up and take her and stop for lunch on the way home. Book a days golf or fishing or something for hubby and his dad to do together… if SIL asks to tag along just say ‘no sorry, but I’ll give you all the details after so if you’d like to treat mum another time then you can!’
OR next year book a lovely little getaway for the 4 of you! If she asks to come either just say no or say ‘yes but you’ll need to pay half!’… and let her sulk!! Why has your husband gone round and pacified her in the past when she’s sulked about not being invited onto your holidays? You all make it worse for yourself by treating her like a spoilt child and creeping around trying not to upset her…. Tell her straight it’s your holiday and no she isn’t invited… tell her ‘no sorry we’ve booked this for just us, we’ll let you know what we think of it and you could always go with a friend next year!’ Or just keep your holidays secret and when you get home and she asks why she wasn’t told about it just say ‘because we didn’t want you to either invite yourself or sulk for weeks!! She needs calling out on her pathetic childish behaviour.

riceuten · 22/01/2023 16:21

Whether or not additional expense has been incurred - it's still cheeky AF.

Mama1209 · 22/01/2023 16:29

I would say to your in laws something like “that’s nice you have invited but we booked it as a romantic weekend for you. If we had known you wanted company, we would have come along ourselves. If still wants to go, I think they should contribute a 3rd of the money as we agreed we were not exchanging gifts this year.

Noshitsherlocks · 22/01/2023 16:52

Tell the interloper to back off and give the parents the much needed break you paid for. Lesson learned You're going to have to be more cunning with presents taht can’t be used by anyone else. Poor parents are probably thinking they can’t win either or child or the other is unhappy.