To object to my child being coded unauthorised absence

[BestFaceForward]

300 miles from home for Christmas with my elderly mum she was taken to hospital on Christmas Eve, spent 4 days in A&E and was then admitted to a ward where she died on 4th January. I was with her, she passed away very gently.

I let school know that we probably wouldn’t be able to return home for the start of term and have kept them updated.

I have made support arrangements for my child who has an EHCP and definitely needs to be with me.

Due to pressure on Hospitals and Registrars I couldn’t register Mum’s death until 13th and she couldn’t be picked up by the funeral directors until yesterday.

Her funeral is next week.

In the midst of all this my child’s father has discovered his rapidly increasing symptoms are probably not a trapped nerve but could well be Motor Neuron Disease.

I am feeling pretty unreasonable, irritable even. And I know it (fellow Alanon member insert wry laugh here).

FFS is it the best the education system can do to describe my child’s absence as unauthorised? Will transport to school which I have never used, although theoretically eligible, now offer a private jet? I somehow think not.

Rant not over but to be continued.

Supportive swearing will be much appreciated. Any suggestions however unusual will be gratefully or humorously considered, as required. And if you think I should cancel my mum’s funeral, abandon my child’s father or officially withdraw my kid from state education and start homeschooling please don’t hesitate to tell me. I’ll have the biggest bunch of flowers ever for the wonderful TA who has turned my little chap’s learning and friendships around 180 degrees.

Fuck off now any other character building opportunities.

You are 100% right. It was a rant at something. I’m finding everything so painful and nothing I can do will make any of it right.

I’m ridiculously tired and when everyone else is asleep I feel weepy.

It might sound crazy but people who are saying “why don’t you do (something impossible)” are helping because I think yes that would be good but, it’s impossible.

People who are being kind or empathising are making me feel less alone.

Look, honestly, you are doing a good job by your kid. Yes, the coding is meaningless and annoying, but on the upside everyone knows it’s meaningless and annoying.

If you haven’t considered it already, I suggest you borrow a private helicopter to take your son to school each day. Or you could pay for an amazing castle-based residential field trip for the entire year group near you so that he can be “at school” (in my head you are in Scotland and have managed to hire Hogwarts). Or, given you are paying the coding “price” that parents do if they take their kids out of school on holidays, why don’t you go to Hawaii for a few days?

Hope that helps 💐

It's a load of bollocks and it also genuinely doesn't matter. Let them get on with it

@Rainbowsparkles29

'lacklustre'. Her mum has just died. How the AF could you say lacklustre? If I said what I thought if you'd I'd get banned, but pull your head in!

@SnowyOwl1 it's not your call to decide she didn't need to be there. Maybe she just wanted to be at her mums house & feel closer to her. Maybe she needed to empty it out. Whatever, she felt she needed to be there & she knows her son, she said he needed to be with her. His Dad isn't well enough to look after him/do the school runs it with his SEN, perhaphs he'd be too unsettled to cope without her.

It’s quite typical of the last few days that I’m awake at 2am, tired but really awake. I flaked out yesterday evening and wasn’t able to deal with a bunch of urgent emails.

@WhoNeedsSleepNotISaidMyBody and others your deep understanding and compassion is like gold to me. You seem to understand that this is too difficult, it is impossible to get almost anything ‘right’, the only goal is to survive the day and hope for the chance to repair the damage one day.

Its like someone leaving spilled food on the floor for days or wearing the same clothes for 72 hours. Unreasonable? Unhygienic? Or lying at the bottom of the stairs with a broken neck hoping to be found in time.

That fictional scenario came into my head because last century I had the experience of being 18, on my own in a house and coming down with meningitis and in 2020 my child’s father, who lives alone, fell down a flight of stairs and fractured his neck. He wasn’t found for hours but it could have been days. Sometimes disaster strikes.

@Rainbowsparkles29 It’s genuinely valuable to see that my decisions and behaviour really will appear unreasonable, lazy, wrong-headed and blameworthy to perfectly nice people who can’t immediately see or imagine how anyone could fail to act rationally and keep the show on the road. And I bloody wish I could do it. I desperately miss home. I want my child to be at school. Sometimes I can hardly bear the physical pain of all this loss and fear and the memories stirred up. The only thing keeping me upright at all is prayer and caffeine.

All you angels standing out from the crowd rushing past and sending me compassion and understanding, you are making a difference, I thank you very very deeply. May you always find a compassionate friend in your hour of need.

Only 8 days to go.

You can think what you want of me love I couldn't give 2 hoots. It's very sad and tough, nobody's denying this, but it's in the child's best interest to maintain their routine. My 4YO has a friend who's mum passed away over Summer. The child was at their hobby as normal just a few days later and have since started school and not missed a day. This is not because they're superheroes or because they're not grieving but because their dad and their support network understand the importance of maintaining a routine. OP has explained the situation a bit more clearly since my post so I apologise for not knowing the full story but I don't apologise for saying that 3 weeks isn't an appropriate time to be off school.... because it isn't...for pretty much any reason

My DM had a stroke last year, I had to travel to be with her & I had to take the youngest with me b/c DH commutes for work & had a lot on at the time. The school was very understanding, but still marked the absences as 'unauthorized'. So be it. It really isn't personal - it's just the way the system works.

Meant to add, so sorry you are going through this, sending you lots of strength and patience

@Rainbowsparkles29

that's your opinion, that's fine.

im sorry about the wee 4year old who lost her Mum over summer. But she has her Dad (not struggling with his own help) & a support network (which is totally different to that if the OP's (& as you haven't mentioned it, presumably hasn't got any SEN) and presumably her mum wasn't 300miles away).

As I SAID, it was you being nasty, calling her mums death a 'lacklustre reason' that I was calling you out on.

you didn't need anymore than her initial post, to not be so nasty.

& now I've seen you calling her reaction to her Mums death catastrophising. FFS.

given the OP messaged the school on the 4th to say her son probably won't be back for the start of school, he wasn't due back until sometime after that, it was the 20th when she posted.. so he's not missed anything like 3/4 weeks.

you need to have a good think about your attitude & response to people.

IDGAF that you don't care what I think, but perhaps you could care about a grieving woman?

@BestFaceForward

it does get less raw, you learn to live alongside the pain, but it's you Mum, take the time to grieve. When my dad died, I found the time after the funeral very hard as there wasn't as much to focus on getting done. And (obviously) everyone else started getting back to their every day life.

Continue to do your best & be kind to yourself!

Being on MN you're never alone, not even in the middle of the night, too many of us insomniacs around! Posting on threads about house moves & parking etc can take your mind off your own worries.

You're doing YOUR best, it's all any of us can do, besides you're doing really well dealing with everything!

hope you're sleeping now. Take care 🌷🌺🌸

WTAF?

Educated off site would probably be a better code for school if they know this but as others have said the code really is irrelevant and nothing personal.

You are going through a lot OP 🍰

Educated off site would probably be a better code for school if they know this but as others have said the code really is irrelevant and nothing personal.
It can't be educated off site because the B code is for situations where the school is taking responsibility for the provision and they have checked the safeguarding procedures of the off site provider.
It also cannot be used for a child completing work at home. It's for situations where, for example, a student might be in school 3 days a week but spend 2 days ago a local college/training provider completing a course or programme the school doesn't offer, or they are at an alternative provision provider.

It's great the OP has got someone to support at a difficult time. The nanny sounds lovely. The absence will still need to be recorded unauthorised.

Dont worry about it, you’ve got enough to get your head around. If they send you a silly letter, wipe your arse on it and send it back.

There is a reason I ask

You are confusing the way absence is coded, with the school not understanding of your predicament.
However you are unreasonable to start a thread in aibu and basically say noone is allowed to disagree with you

I wish people would stop saying that it being unauthorised is fine and to ignore - rightly or wrongly it could lead to fines and court - some local authorities are particularly hot on this.

if you have 8 days to go I would be contacting the school setting out exactly what is going on and when he will be back and ask that it is authorised. If they say no I would contact as well the inclusion team at your council and explain the situation and have it noted on the file so even if it is unauthorised they know why

OP I'm
Sorry for all the shit you're dealing with
Bugger the school. Just get DC back when you're good and ready
Hugs

Thank you for your kind suggestion, I’m afraid I’m a teetotaller so that Avenue is not open to me or indeed at all appealing.
Crazy though it is I have indulged in a great deal of prayer and also leaned on the Samaritans a great deal. Mum was a Samaritan and I always tell them and thank them for being there as I do you.

😂 bring on the disagreement, I even agree with most of it!

Super helpful, thank you

🫂

Yes, the hive mind of MN at its best.

Once we’re back I’ll write to the LA and explain that I did arrange for kid to be educated off site, I’ll have plenty of evidence and as a former maths teacher I think I’ll be able to give a reasonable account.

I’ll ask if any unauthorised absence recorded can be retrospectively recoded and explain why it wasn’t possible to communicate effectively at all times.

No one has to take any notice but the contemporaneous explanation will be there.

Incidentally does anyone have a favourite New Testament reading to suggest?