To object to my child being coded unauthorised absence

[BestFaceForward]

300 miles from home for Christmas with my elderly mum she was taken to hospital on Christmas Eve, spent 4 days in A&E and was then admitted to a ward where she died on 4th January. I was with her, she passed away very gently.

I let school know that we probably wouldn’t be able to return home for the start of term and have kept them updated.

I have made support arrangements for my child who has an EHCP and definitely needs to be with me.

Due to pressure on Hospitals and Registrars I couldn’t register Mum’s death until 13th and she couldn’t be picked up by the funeral directors until yesterday.

Her funeral is next week.

In the midst of all this my child’s father has discovered his rapidly increasing symptoms are probably not a trapped nerve but could well be Motor Neuron Disease.

I am feeling pretty unreasonable, irritable even. And I know it (fellow Alanon member insert wry laugh here).

FFS is it the best the education system can do to describe my child’s absence as unauthorised? Will transport to school which I have never used, although theoretically eligible, now offer a private jet? I somehow think not.

Rant not over but to be continued.

Supportive swearing will be much appreciated. Any suggestions however unusual will be gratefully or humorously considered, as required. And if you think I should cancel my mum’s funeral, abandon my child’s father or officially withdraw my kid from state education and start homeschooling please don’t hesitate to tell me. I’ll have the biggest bunch of flowers ever for the wonderful TA who has turned my little chap’s learning and friendships around 180 degrees.

Fuck off now any other character building opportunities.

I can see why this has annoyed you, sometimes when your world falls apart, it's easier to get angry over irrelevant stuff than face your grief. I'm surprised that there isn't a compassionate leave box for the schools to tick .
I hope things get better for you x

In the grand scheme of things, your the school's choice of wording is a minor irritation. You are having the toughest of times. Look after your health and wellbeing as an absolute priority and forget about the school. Although I do get it. I would be the same! Your brain is focusing on the least important issue as a coping mechanism.

Sorry about your mum

Automatic letter triggered by her being off

You can cheerfully ignore it

I think it speaks volumes actually

lack of perspective

Are you saying your child has been all school for the whole month so far?
You've clearly had an awful time, it must have been so hard.
Gently, I do think YABU to think the school should authorise this. They can't, under current rules - also, while you will know best, it is worth considering if it's worth really considering whether your child is better to be home with a deeply grieving mother and and an injured and stressed father. It's not clear that you need to be 300 miles away, or why he'd need to be there for his father's injury. Perhaps he might really benefit from the support of his lovely TA and the routine they can give him, and you might benefit as well from some time to be alone or with your husband.

@BestFaceForward - I'm so sorry for your loss.
I think that schools and the attendance recording systems in use should have an option of "Compassionate Leave" instead of "unauthorised absence" because at least one has more meaning behind it than the other. No one knows what the unauthorised absence might be, but you would have a fair idea about why a pupil on compassionate leave might be doing.

Try to focus on your family now and find strength in them.

It’s completely understandable to focus on little things like this to be angry about when it feels like the world is against you. But ultimately it doesn’t mean anything so don’t waste your energy on it.

In your shoes I would have gone back home for some normality. In that sense it probably is an unauthorised absence as you’ve chosen to stay away when you could have gone home.

But everyone is different. When my mum was ill 40 miles away my brother (who lives 5 mins from me) moved into a hotel near the hospital whereas I came home every evening to my family. Visiting hours were restricted so we were both there for the same amount of time but he needed to think of nothing else but mum and his stress and wanted to be free of the ‘demands’ of his wife and kids, whereas I recharged by seeing my DH and kids and sleeping in my own bed.

I am sorry about your mum and child’s dad. This must be your first unauthorised it’s really not a big deal but the term can be upsetting I know from personal experiences. They don’t have a code for your current circumstance. They can’t give you authorised leave you need to apply in advance for that.

Yabu, your child is absent from school, of course it's not authorised. It's for very sad reasons but from their point of view there's no reason why you couldn't bring your child home in the intervening period. I can understand it is very difficult to arrange childcare but they only have your child's education in mind and it's now weeks.

As said above, this is exactly the type of thing that in Scotland would be coded as exceptional domestic circumstances,(DCU). Its not unusual in a school of 1400 to see this code.
How can the English system not have an equivalent? That just seems rediculus from an outside perspective. There are so many reasons why this code is useful.

I’m so sorry for your loss op. And all the other worries you have going on. what ah awful time you’re having.

so I mean this kindly, let this go. It’s really not a problem. They only have so many codes they can use. So it’s not a slight to you, or a lack of understanding. It’s just admin and, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter. Let it go.

Erm, this is interesting. We have been in a similar situation, and although my kids have not been continually off school, they have had lots of time off due to needing to travel between home and where my mother died. I've been diagnosed with a heart condition in the meantime, so DH is travelling with me, and kids have to tag along. Our school have been authorising this and have said that they will do until the funeral.

I do feel your HT is being a bit harsh. Children can have authorised time off for specific things, and with flexibility, this certainly fits into it. In the big picture, it doesn't make a huge difference, but where you are at the moment OP, I get that it's a huge thing!

Good post. You are understandably upset but it means nothing for your child.

A record of unauthorised absence is the least of your worries. Why does it bother you so much in the midst of everything else that is going on?
I agree with pps who say you could have got home and got your child back into school by now. But it has been better for you not to have done so.
Why not write to the school and say you object to the label and explain why. Tell them why you haven't sent your child to school. It might help you to set the annoyance to one side and focus your energies on the things that really need it.
But, school can only authorise absence for certain reasons and for certain lengths of time. They can't authorise what you have done. But it doesn't mean they aren't sympathetic

Sounds like you're going through some difficult times atm OP. Don't let this be the straw that breaks your back. In the big scheme of things it's not important. I think you're assigning too much judgement to this label when in fact its just a statement of facts. He was absent without authorisation for several days. Essentially during a family crisis you were unable to prioritise your son's education. You informed the school and updated them but it was not authorised.
He'll be OK, you'll be OK. Let it go

Sorry to hear about your Mum.

We had this 'unapproved absence' when we had to travel when my dad became unwell and subsequently died, the kids missed the last two weeks of the school term. The school said it's just a formality and not to worry about it, however they have categories for 'inclement weather', 'illness', and other 'approved absences'. I don't understand why they can't have a category for 'compassionate leave', it was really jarring to see the attendance report and the big red 'unapproved absence' for that period.

By the way, we are not in the UK.

sometimes when your world falls apart, it's easier to get angry over irrelevant stuff than face your grief

That. It's the little things that provide a 'safe' outlet sometimes. But really, this is a nothing. The school has no choice, their hands are tied by the government.

Those people asking why she needs to be there - unless her mother was in a home with very few possessions I imagine there will be things to sort out and unless she owned her home you don’t get long to do it in.

Going through all possessions for the keep/throw/donate is a long depressing process.

I am sorry for your loss and that you are having a hard time,

Your child needs to be in school, they have lost a grandparent, we would not authorise any time off for this, except maybe the day of the funeral.

You wanted to stay and be with your mum at the end, which is understandable, but even that would have been most likely marked as unauthorised, as it doesn't fall into any of the categories that we could authorise- having said that, I would sympathise with any child missing school for this reason, (but would still most likely have to mark it unauthorised - I dont get any leeway with this- I have to do as I am told). The time off school since then cant be justified.

For context, if you were a teacher here, you would get 10 days for the loss of your mum, organising and attending the funeral, and dealing with the estate - they would most likely not be taken consecutively, but apart from those 10 days, you would be expected at work full time. You do seem to have exceeded the maximum allowance usually given - how is your employer reacting?

It is understandable that you are angry and upset, but please look at the bigger picture - children are not expected to miss school in these circumstances because it is not in their interest to do so. It is in their interest to be in school, in their normal routine, and keeping up with their education.

Most children lose one or more grandparents during their time at school, and dont miss school because of it. Most schools will have several children mourning a recently lost grandparent at any one time - its a normal phase of life

Of course it is more unusual for a child to be mourning the loss of a parent or sibling, but even in these circumstances, most children benefit from remaining in school, keeping to their routines, seeing friends and keeping up with their education

I hope your partner is ok💐

There are set codes in all the management systems, If you fill out a request form, its authorised, if you don't fill out a form it's unauthorised. that's the only option the school has, you didn't ask in advance (obviously) so its unauthorised, in the grand scheme of things its irrelevant. Shes not in school.

Sorry for your loss. It must be a difficult time for you with everything going on.

Unfortunately the school's hands are tied. Whilst they could use a C code for some circumstances, it would not cover several weeks absence from school like your child has had.
How they code the register doesn't reflect how they might personally feel about your situation.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Please do not travel 600 miles now that PP have said you should get your child in school for “routine” - especially with the funeral so soon.
I can’t think of anything worse than having to travel 900 miles in a week with/ as a child. Assuming home, funeral, home. That’s not routine or comforting at all.

Makes sure you’ve explained the situation to the school in writing. Just the facts (no emotion) and then you do you. Don’t worry about the absence mark.

Obviously one parent goes home to do school with child isn’t applicable to you either because of your husbands health.

id get the funeral done and then get back home when possible if you plan to put him back in school.

Out of all that, the code is the least of your concerns, though schools cant authorise indefinite time off and they need to know where all children are when they are not in school, it's their safeguarding duty. Authorised absences tend to only be used for medical appointments, at least in our school thats the case and even then it will go as unauthorised if you don't provide proof of appointment 24 hours prior.

Why have you jumped to MND? Or has a professional told you it is?

Why do you need to 300 miles away after your Mom had died? Or is there an elderly father to take care of now?

And why was the funeral director unable to collect her for 2 weeks? Were they full?

I don't understand this -- if for example a parent falls seriously ill a long way away from home on a family holiday or similar, and a child has to miss the start of the next term for unavoidable reasons, it's marked as an unauthorised absence even if the school is kept fully informed?
What is a parent to do in these circumstances? if they suddenly cannot return home for several weeks (if in hospital for example)the family will surely have to stay nearby so how can the child be sent back to school?
When my DF died suddenly my head was all over the place for several weeks; there was a whirlwind of emotion, plus what seemed like myriad tasks and form filling to do while coping with raw grief - frankly my child's schooling was not at the top of the agenda for a while.

I can well understand the OP's distress at receiving such a seemingly harsh message, it's yet one more thing to add to the stress and worry. Can absence not be authorised retrospectively when necessary? I'd have thought this was such an occasion. Of all the stressors in life bereavement is up there at the top.
And might the OP also have to pay the associated fines for non-attendance? It seems like such a huge kick in the teeth at a truly dreadful time.

I know that on here education is sacrosanct but there are times in life when it necessarily takes a back seat. The Scottish system sounds much more humane.