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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To object to my child being coded unauthorised absence

190 replies

BestFaceForward · 20/01/2023 06:30

300 miles from home for Christmas with my elderly mum she was taken to hospital on Christmas Eve, spent 4 days in A&E and was then admitted to a ward where she died on 4th January. I was with her, she passed away very gently.

I let school know that we probably wouldn’t be able to return home for the start of term and have kept them updated.

I have made support arrangements for my child who has an EHCP and definitely needs to be with me.

Due to pressure on Hospitals and Registrars I couldn’t register Mum’s death until 13th and she couldn’t be picked up by the funeral directors until yesterday.

Her funeral is next week.

In the midst of all this my child’s father has discovered his rapidly increasing symptoms are probably not a trapped nerve but could well be Motor Neuron Disease.

I am feeling pretty unreasonable, irritable even. And I know it (fellow Alanon member insert wry laugh here).

FFS is it the best the education system can do to describe my child’s absence as unauthorised? Will transport to school which I have never used, although theoretically eligible, now offer a private jet? I somehow think not.

Rant not over but to be continued.

Supportive swearing will be much appreciated. Any suggestions however unusual will be gratefully or humorously considered, as required. And if you think I should cancel my mum’s funeral, abandon my child’s father or officially withdraw my kid from state education and start homeschooling please don’t hesitate to tell me. I’ll have the biggest bunch of flowers ever for the wonderful TA who has turned my little chap’s learning and friendships around 180 degrees.

Fuck off now any other character building opportunities.

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 20/01/2023 07:19

I'm sorry for your loss but yabu I'm afraid. You do not need to be there for all that time. Your child needs to be in school. When my mum died suddenly I went there (also 300 miles away) and my husband concentrated on keeping things as normal as possible for our children.

Devineursula · 20/01/2023 07:20

You have SO much big stuff going on in your life Op

Don’t get distracted by this

Don’t give a damn how it’s recorded. So unimportant

and certainly don’t waste time posting about it on mumsnet

Bigweekend · 20/01/2023 07:20

strumpert · 20/01/2023 07:18

I thought you only had 5 days to register a death?

You do, but if you can't get an appointment with the registrar you can't register it. I was late with DH and it seemed entirely normal.

That said, he was with the funeral director long before the death was registered.

OchreDandelion · 20/01/2023 07:20

The relevant codes are here, the school really have no choice. I am sorry you have had so much to deal with all at once.

Zonder · 20/01/2023 07:23

The school know. Their hands are tied. Don't even think about it.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 20/01/2023 07:23

With all the shit you're having to deal with right now, it really doesn't matter. They don't have a choice, you'd still do it whether it was authorised or not, it's just not that important. But it's something that's 'safe' to be annoyed or irritated by.

Just keep them informed as you have been doing and it'll be OK.

Swannning · 20/01/2023 07:25

FlowersFlowersFlowers

I'm so sorry that you're going through such an awful time.

As someone who has recently lost a parent you have my deepest sympathy.

As others have said, it is meaningless box ticking, ignore it. You have more important things to focus on - take care of yourself ❤️

underneaththeash · 20/01/2023 07:28

@OchreDandelion they could have used code C "leave of absence authorised by the school". I would specifically ask them why they can't.

However, it's really unlikely that they can continue to do that for this length of time. I would come back next week before the funeral; and get him back in school for a couple of days, before travelling back.

Whinge · 20/01/2023 07:28

Perhaps let your MP know how unreasonable this is in due course.

Why?

I understand the OP is in a difficult and stressful situation, but the school aren't being unreasonable they don't have a choice.

NancyJoan · 20/01/2023 07:29

They can’t authorise it. It doesn’t matter, so don’t worry about it.

Chimchar · 20/01/2023 07:30

I'm ever so sorry for the loss of your Mum, and for the difficult time that you're facing.

The school has to record it this way, but it doesn't mean that they aren't sympathetic or not understanding of your situation. Please try not to take it personally.

Sending you a huge hug. CakeBrewFlowers

emmathedilemma · 20/01/2023 07:30

So your child hasn’t been back to school since Xmas hols because your mum died?? YABVU why do you need to still be 300 miles away and what else do you expect to mark it as?
my parents neighbour died over Xmas, 2 of her children live in other countries but they went home in time for their kids to return to school and have managed to organise a funeral.

Wibbly1008 · 20/01/2023 07:31

Ignore OP. Schools are now like blood hounds with attendance. Your kids are expected to attend in a coma these days. You have other concerns right now, be with your family and don’t give it another thought.

pleasehelpwi3 · 20/01/2023 07:31

Get your child back to school-it will do them good. It's a really long time off.
Sorry for your situation.

Devineursula · 20/01/2023 07:32

I missed the extent that your child has been off OP

That is a concern

Jellycatspyjamas · 20/01/2023 07:32

In your shoes I’d completely ignore how the absence was coded, it’s school admin that has no relationship to what was happening in your life at the time. If you feel your child needs to be with you, or the logistics of school on top of everything else is too much, that’s fair enough - you know what you and your child can cope with.

I really hate the idea that come what may children absolutely must be in school. Education matters, of course, but so does well-being, being able to grieve and having space to do so with your family.

Bigweekend · 20/01/2023 07:33

Actually, I think the school could authorise it. I'm not surprised a mainstream school hasn't, but they could. It doesn't matter though.

Three weeks with no end in sight is a long time.

Rainbowsparkles29 · 20/01/2023 07:34

Sorry OP but I don't think it's in your kid's best interest to be missing this much school It will be far better for their emotional health (and your's tbh) for him to be back in the routine of school. I realise that there will have been a lot to sort out with death paperwork etc but I don't buy that you had to atay there. The longer you leave this the harder it'll be to get back to school. Just find a way of getting back to normal for your child's sake. It's understandable that you're upset but this is quite a catastrophising reaction IMO and isn't going to help in the long run. The school have a duty to ensure that your son isn't being denied access to his education so they have to code as they see fit they ANBU I don't think.

Againstmachine · 20/01/2023 07:35

Sorry you are going through this and sorry for your loss, but your child's absence was unauthorized so that's why they recorded it as such, but don't worry about it.

But by same token you need to get your child back to school.

BathshebaKnickerStickers · 20/01/2023 07:35

I code absences in Scotland. I can, and would, code this as exceptional domestic circumstances.

freyamay74 · 20/01/2023 07:36

Sorry you've had such a hellish run of bad stuff. I would have wanted my child back in school and normality much quicker, especially as things have really turned around positively for him there, and he benefits so much from it.

That said; the school won't have control over how it's coded, and it really doesn't matter in the long term, so it's odd that you're fixating on an absence code when there is so much of greater importance going on

diamondpony80 · 20/01/2023 07:36

What else are they supposed to call it? They can’t authorise that much time out of a child’s education specifically for your circumstances. So it is unauthorised. But its really not the big deal you’re making it out to be. You have a valid reason.

MrsWombat · 20/01/2023 07:38

I'm sorry for your loss.

As far as I'm aware headteachers can authorise up to 5 days as a C in exceptional circumstances. If your child has already had 5 days off for illness/medical then they would not be able to do that. They would certainly not be able to authorise the remaining weeks.

They may also choose to off role your child if they do not attend school for 20 days.

Intrepidescape · 20/01/2023 07:41

Soontobe60 · 20/01/2023 06:43

Yes, you’re BU. I’m really sorry that you’re going through such a shitty time, but your child needs some sort of normality returning to their day. It’s not clear where you actually are or where your child’s father is. If you’re still away, come home, get your child back in school, take time to grieve and plan your mum’s funeral.
in the grand scheme of things, it’s pretty irrelevant that school have marked the absence as unauthorised. They cannot authorise such a lengthy absence in these circumstances.

I know! Staying weeks for a piece of paper is ridiculous.

donttellmehesalive · 20/01/2023 07:42

I'm so sorry that you have had such a tough time.

I think the issue might be that only a certain number of days can be coded as 'authorised' for a bereavement.

So the school may have authorised 3 days - or whatever it is, I can't remember - and after that there isn't another option, it's unauthorised.

It doesn't mean the school don't understand, or think any less of you, or think you are a feckless parent. In fact, how they code his absence won't have any bearing at all on his support or education going forward.

And all of this will be done with best intentions. Parents can and do take children away for funerals and not return for months and months. At some point, their absence becomes concerning and needs flagging.