To object to my child being coded unauthorised absence

[BestFaceForward]

300 miles from home for Christmas with my elderly mum she was taken to hospital on Christmas Eve, spent 4 days in A&E and was then admitted to a ward where she died on 4th January. I was with her, she passed away very gently.

I let school know that we probably wouldn’t be able to return home for the start of term and have kept them updated.

I have made support arrangements for my child who has an EHCP and definitely needs to be with me.

Due to pressure on Hospitals and Registrars I couldn’t register Mum’s death until 13th and she couldn’t be picked up by the funeral directors until yesterday.

Her funeral is next week.

In the midst of all this my child’s father has discovered his rapidly increasing symptoms are probably not a trapped nerve but could well be Motor Neuron Disease.

I am feeling pretty unreasonable, irritable even. And I know it (fellow Alanon member insert wry laugh here).

FFS is it the best the education system can do to describe my child’s absence as unauthorised? Will transport to school which I have never used, although theoretically eligible, now offer a private jet? I somehow think not.

Rant not over but to be continued.

Supportive swearing will be much appreciated. Any suggestions however unusual will be gratefully or humorously considered, as required. And if you think I should cancel my mum’s funeral, abandon my child’s father or officially withdraw my kid from state education and start homeschooling please don’t hesitate to tell me. I’ll have the biggest bunch of flowers ever for the wonderful TA who has turned my little chap’s learning and friendships around 180 degrees.

Fuck off now any other character building opportunities.

^longer.

This has been longer though. The school haven’t seen this child since they broke up before Christmas so around what anywhere between the 16-20th December depending on location and doesn’t have an actual return date still.

Likely to turn into February before they are back if the funeral is still a week away then a few days for after the funeral to gather thought decompress or more paperwork sorting the house some more.

@Nimbostratus100 You are being ridiculous and harsh, yes.

I am a teacher. I wouldn't care about a child missing 4 weeks in school for a good reason out of 14 years of compulsory education.

Two weeks of this period were school holidays anyway.

How do you know that the OP is not doing education things at home? Reading, maths, science?

You are totally missing the point that the child is 300 miles away, his father is also ill with MN disease perhaps and the mum may be a single parent 9she mentions his 'father' but not her 'partner.'

Move yourself into the real world not that safe one behind your keyboard.

I marked YANBU because I went through this last year.
my mum died suddenly and I had to spend 3 weeks up there - took dd because dh was working, and we stayed with my dad to look after him (dementia) until he could go into a home after the funeral.
Dd is home educated so no worries about absences from school, but I would have been absolutely furious if a school hadn't granted her compassionate leave or grief. (Like a fucking workplace would!!!)
My sister's youngest was given huge leeway by his school that if he needed to stay off school at any time he could - he took a few days off immediately after, left school early a couple of times, and took another random day on top of tthe funeral date.

Schools really need to look beyond those attendance stats and call absence authorized when it's such an important thing!

Bereavement.
grief.

Her MP?

Jeez

I'm sure they do have a code for compassionate leave but we're in the 3rd/4th week back at school now. This is a ridiculous amount of time to spend off school especially for a pretty lacklustre reason. It's simply not in the child's interest. The school have a duty to advocate for the child. That's their priority not making parent's life easier

I let school know that we probably wouldn’t be able to return home for the start of term and have kept them updated.

id probably just send a quick note

Its so wonderful every department has been so great at supporting me with a family members death, that is apart from yourselves even though you were kept updated and knew what was happening 300 miles away.

Sometimes think twice about sending the letter.

kind regards

OP

ps the boot you stuck in hurt a bit more than expected

A work place wouldn't. I got 5 days off when my mum died.

A work place wouldn't. I got 5 days off when my mum died.

my doctor signed me off sick and there was a thread on here in the last 3 months where most people seemed to have sick leave after bereavement

Sad situation and I am sorry you are going through this, but I can't understand why you have stayed 300 miles away when your child is at school? I can understand missing the 1st couple of days back if they were back the 4th but waiting up there for the funeral for weeks on end your child should be in school. It's unauthorised as they aren't ill or at an appointment, there's no other category to place this under.

You could have sorted arrangements over the phone there's little reason to be there.

Don't worry.

I'm a loan parent/widow that needed emergency surgery and was hospitalised for weeks. I had nobody around me that could get DS to school, he stayed with his great grandmother but she doesn't drive and lives the other side of the city.

School put it down as "unauthorised absence".

They said don't worry, we understand the situation, and no more was ever said about it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP's mum has died - pretty sure the "lack of perspective" is justified...

I'm sorry but these systems are fucking inhuman.

I think all those saying that you should have arranged things remotely are forgetting about your husbands condition and that he is presumably getting assessed / tested where you are now which is full on and hectic (had a similar process when I was getting tested and diagnosed away from home with what turned out to be MS)

Call the school. Question them about why it is unauthorised and ask them to authorise ASAP.

I know its just words and in the long term doesn't matter what it's recorded as but if it's upsetting you at a time you really don't need it then go ahead and raise hell. Push and push til you get it changed. I totally get why when so many things seem out of control taking on this one little bit of silly and inhumane bureaucracy could be cathartic.

All the best and hoping for things to turn a bit brighter for you soon ✨️

My God. Some of these responses are awful.

The OP's mother has just died. Her child's father is facing an uncertain future with probable motor neurone disease. The child has an EHCP and the OP is doing her best in difficult circumstances.

OP I am so sorry you're going through this. It sounds very difficult. I do not know why schools do this. I also do not know why some posters write such nasty, judgemental things on threads like this. It's like kicking you when you're down.

I hope your life starts to return to normal as soon as is reasonable.

Where I live unless you have had the absence approved before hand and signed it is always unauthorized. My DD was in hospital for 2 days, she was really poorly and dehydrated but the week she tool off school is unauthorised. Another child in the school lost her brother in an awful accident - time off school was unauthorised. The only silver lining is that in situations likes that you don't typically get a call from the government because it is clear that it is a valid absence. I wouldn't worry - you are grieving and there are so many more important things for you to focus on. Be kind to yourself.

When my dad died my kids missed a few days because we had to travel to the funeral and back tbh I've absolutely no clue what they marked the absence as. I don't really care and nor should you.

I do agree you should try and get your child back to some level of normality but that's your call.

FFS ..at the school and at some of these replies.

schools....or education ministers or whoever - all the swears.

OP, I'm sorry about everything you're going through.

There should be a way of hiding absence, which differentiates it from, say, going to Disneyland for 3 weeks! Yanbu to think there should be scope for bereavement or acceptable absence.

So sorry for your loss. You have been through a really tough time and it is understandable that you are upset.

YANBU

I went through a similar thing when my sister died abroad after a long period of gruelling mental illness. School marked my primary age children's leave for the funeral service as Unauthorised Absence and, although I could see it was not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, it felt incredibly unkind - especially as it was a Faith school where I naively thought there would be an ethos of peace and love!

Over the next few years, we were unlucky enough to lose several more close family members in tragic circumstances - awful. My children had moved to secondary school by then and frankly I didn't give a shit how the absences were recorded, but school could not have been nicer or more understanding. It makes a difference!

My advice from a bit further down the line is: you do what you need to do for your family and fuck off everyone else! In a few years time you won't feel upset about the Unauthorised Absence but you will be able to take comfort in the fact that you took decisions that were right for you at the time.

Sending love.

Forget about it … in reality, unauthorised absence means jack shit 🤷🏻‍♀️

This.

So sorry for your loss OP💐

Please don’t fret over the unauthorised absence- it doesn’t matter.

“You could have sorted arrangements over the phone there's little reason to be there.”

Well that’s not true- there’s often loads of things to do. Plus you know, grief.

It is astonishing to me that people can't see why you might need to be in relevant town of your lost loved one at a time like this. 🤷🏻‍♀️

is it just one of those targeted outbreaks of ...whatever...that we get on here sometimes?